The King, The Queen and The Anarchist.

abandoned

2010-04-19T21:24:00.001+08:00

the queen is moving. http://notforyourpuritanicaleyes.blogspot.com/

this was on post secret

2010-01-19T01:53:00.002+08:00

saw this after blogging the previous post. reminded me of ryan!

click to see the secret

this blog is stale

2010-01-19T01:02:00.002+08:00

I am so lazy! To blog! on this blog! this blog is so boring it no longer interests me! There once was a time when I freaked out on Ryan when he deleted my post. lmao. because I treasure everything I type down. It's a document of my feelings and state of mind at the point of blogging! Now I don't even care.

I guess having a boyfriend changed me in different ways. With my exes, I wasn't easily jealous. Quite low maintenance, I don't tell them everything and don't want to. And I was mature. Damn right. If you were a playboy, I am your perfect gf. Because I don't feel the need to check up on you so it'd be pretty easy to cheat on me. And if I ever found out, I'd dump you and delete you from my life. No drama. I'm sure my exes appreciate me. And probably found me boring. Of course Ryan was an exception(and full of drama), I love him to bits. he was the best online friend once can ask for, it's just too bad fate has other plans. so we kinda remain at that.

And then I realised, I've... never really been dumped. I kinda initiated the breakups. Which is disturbing, because usually the girl gets dumped right?

Now, with Hokes, I get jealous and upset and the stupidest things. But of course I don't throw tantrums. I just feel them and don't do anything about them. Kinda upset with myself for being so ridiculous sometimes. Now (I still think I'm low maintenance) I tell the boyfriend everything and anything, and I expect him to do same. I absolutely HATEEEEE it when he keeps things from me (and somehow I can always tell) then I have to go all fickle and have a mental debate on whether to pry it out of him and whether it's the right time and the right thing to do blablabla. I somehow want to know what he's doing and what's going on.

It's ridiculous! When I go,"so whatcha doing now?" I mentally slap my face everytime. I DONT ASK THESE KINDA QUESTIONS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? I'm clingy and childish and I talk with the baby voice. When I don't, the boyfriend would think there's something wrong. Which pretty much concludes that I only speak that way to the bf 24/7. I'm childish and crazy, I make random noises and say nonsense things. like,"bleble blooo. mama. rawr. you're weird. not me. weh wehhh." I would lie in bed next to him and suddenly go RAWWRRR and roll over him.

WHA? Just taking a step back and looking at myself, I'm so... RIDICULOUS HAHA. And comfortable and happy. And I like it. I like it so much then I can be ridiculous and he still loves me and when I'm serious, we can talk for hours on a topic and hours more digressing from that topic. And I like it that he's just as ridiculous as me.

Also, I used to blog like crazy. If I don't, I would have a mental breakdown and convince myself that I am a zombie and I eat people. Now I don't even know what to blog about. Because the things that bother me, I summed it up in one line in a tweet on Twitter. And the more deeper issues, I have a best friend/ boyfriend to talk to. So I kinda have no use for this, cept updating my friends about my life (and whoever reads this blog). And I told you I kinda changed, because now I'm more introverted. I don't really wanna share it with yous (if I even had anything to share) too lazy and I don't feel the same. I don't feel excited to share. Then share for what right?!

We're all so caught up in our lives, I'm drowning in work (I have 4.5days a week to finish all my work because weds nights and weekends are boyfriend time. Sometimes work eats into boyfriend time and THAT UPSETS ME GREATLY.) Ryan completely disappeared, I can't even talk to him on msn. It's not the same between us, I'm not surprised, but I would really like to maintain this friendship :) I like it. Jacob too, but it's kinda my fault too, caz like Ryan I too have no use for msn (because I don't want to talk to people. see?) I feel a lil guilty caz that means I'm neglecting my friends (like jacob said, if msn is the only means of communication and i'm deliberately not on it, i'm neglecting him on purpose, which is in a way, true)

BUT I AM SO TIRED OF WORK.

Like really.

I just want to STOP STUDYING.

TAKE A FREAKING LOOOOOONG BREAK FROM STUDYING. Working sounds appealing suddenly (and some of you know how I hate the workforce and dread the time when my education ceases)

ndvexuvcwbj gt

RAWR!

and I just dont. wanna. talk. to people.
Like okay I do, sometimes I do have the mood. But most times? when I'm alone, I won't reach out to people like how I used to. I socialise well only when they come to me. And then people feel unimportant and not needed and that's sad because I kinda like making ppl feel important and needed. Ugh I really don't know what I want. Maybe I should just pack my bags and go on vacation in aussieland, maybe hide in Cass's luggage. and we can have so much fun overseas.
omg let's do that one day.

nBFrnf SO EXCITING I WANNA TRAVEL NAO NAO NAO.

too bad school isnt over yet.

RAWR my nose is being a complete turdface , it's blocked I can't breathe yet I'm constantly sneezing. ridiculous. I'm feeling like hell right now and I want the bf here and I have a different blog, this time for myself. It's anonymous. I don't feel like sharing it with anyone. I know I might as well write it down in a diary but typing is less tiring, to be honest. maybe you can find it online and guess that it's me. good luck. i predict this blog is gonna rot what with ryan and jacob disappearing and all.

wish me luck with work, maybe i'll update here sometime. i'll just leave this up. who knows. you can entertain yourself with the archives.

I'm trying very hard not to swear. I'm random.

bye.

open your mind and love Krauser. Love Russel.

2009-12-22T16:10:00.004+08:00

helloooo people, if I can live with your ideals, get over mineee. And stop misinterpreting!

Come on, I am not turning into a robot. If ever, I'll most likely be more empathetic! Stop being the "mature" people thinking awww this girl is trying to be different when she's actually the same. Really, lame mentality.

Like I've replied an angry person's email, I KNOW I'm not the only one in this world facing shit OH MY GOD PLEASE GET OVER YOURSELVES THAT YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME. Goodness? This is life, at some point of time, at some aspects in life, SOMEONE will have it worse than you at something. So I cannot be sad over my predicament? It's not as if I'm not getting over it? I am! Why are you guys so clogged up in your brains that you must stick to your ideals and your principles only? Be open minded, accept that people are different, people think differently. If I can accept you for who you are, then stop being a bitch to me?

For all the harping about "look at yourself" don't look at others, the entire point of the post is that I HAVE. I want to STOP JUDGING (don't you read? I really do question your intelligence now) I want to be a GOOD PERSON and it's okay that there are people with flaws! I do my best to be a better person everyday, and that is what counts. I appreciate things that are done for me and if I don't or forget to, and you find it offensive, TELL ME LIKE HOW I TELL YOU. And if you don't find an issue with it, then be happy that you made me happy! Stop playing these stupid childish games!

Like I've said countless times, I judge people. you judge people. EVERYONE will form impressions in their minds about people but ACTION IS KEY. I want to STOP acting on my judgments and I hope that the world would see the same. That though you judge, you are open-minded enough to give the person the benefit of the doubt, that they might change or actually have an amazing trait lurking beneath the nonsense that you've not seen.

I will not be friends with ANYONE. Understand? No 50% no 60% and all that bs. Goodness me. I respond to your actions(good or bad, if you are a bad person, I AM SURE I WILL RESPOND POSITIVELY TO YOUR 1% GOOD ACTION I am pretty sure you're human not satan), and I WILL BE a friend, in terms of action. I will not stand by and watch you fall or deliberately ruin your life or be heartless or be a robot. I am NOT pushing people away you retards! PEOPLE LIKE YOU make me want to push people away but I DONT. It is precisely that humans are all greys and not black and white, that's why I am a friend to everyone. Whether you take drugs, or stole a car, or bitch about people, or cheat on your lover, or are selfish, or have sex with anyone, even animals, I. Don't. Care.

What I don't want is to call you MY FRIEND. Because people like you, have to harp on it like crraaaaazzzaaayyy. I would have a relationship with you YES, it's impossible to not have a relationship with someone unless you've never met the person. Just the KIND of relationship, it would not be friendship. It would be purely based on actions on the spot.

And with regards to my exclusive few, I love you and I don't give a shit what you think about me even though I'm feeling abit of retardation from all of you. I DONT CARE. I dont care if you don't love me anymore, I don't care if you do. I love you because I love you and I do things because I love you FULLSTOP.

I don't expect anything from you SO DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING FROM MEEEEEE BETCHEZ. I am already being the best person I possibly can, yes I make mistakes and I accept my mistakes and rectify them if I knew them and knew how.

I would not be making up theories if I don't abide to them myself. SERIOUSLY, I'm not an idiot. And I don't IMPOSEEEEE my theories on you. Okay? So please get over yourselves and your ideals because it's starting to look like you think you're the better person and your theories are the only right theories and I can't have mine.

Of course my theories can have holes poked if I don't explain it well(and theories are theories not facts), I can't, it's hard for me to express myself in words, I don't have that gift, but why don't you open up your mind a little and try to see it from how I'm seeing it, because I DO KNOW HOW YOU SEE IT and I understand WHY you see it that way and I ACCEPT IT that you want to believe in it.

Like flipping religion, I can see why Christians love Jesus to death and Buddhists believe in karma and bla bla bla. It's not that I don't read up about it, I know! You've told me all about your flipping religion! And I see where you're coming from and I accept it, I just choose not to believe in it!

I don't want nouns to express how I feel about you, unless it's something like family (DNA will kick your ass trying to deny it)or boyfriend or girlfriend (THERE IS SOMETHING WRONGGG with your r/s if you don't want a status because these are steps before marriage, BEFORE FAMILY, the commitment needs to be there)

But friends? The commitment DOES NOT need to be there. There is no ties. You're speaking up for me Jacob, like the rest of you. There is no ties. ONLY LOVE. Friends does not equal love! LOVE IS LOVEEE. Because I have you in my personal regard, because I LOVE YOU, I WILL be there for you I WILL have a commitment to YOU. okay? And it is not easy to love someone so NO I DO NOT LOVE EVERYONE. (And if you don't love your family and boyfriend or girlfriend then it sucks to be you)

So NOOOOO god I just don't believe in friends, get over it, if I don't love you, TOO BADDD I am sure someone else does (You still have family you whiny ass) and if I do, WOW GOOD FOR YOU. one more person in your life loves you, don't you feel loveddddd?

Basically I will be the same person my actions are the same, IF you had not known and read this post, YOU WOULD FIND NO SIGNIFICANT CHANGE IN ME, the only thing that has changed is my PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE. so why are you finding an ISSUEEEEE with me?
I am THIS sort of person, a person who analyses things and I do it because I find it important, you have your own set of things important to you and I have mind.
I find it important because it defines my purpose and how I feel and perceive about life, the journey that I AM TAKINGGG NOT YOUUUU LALALA HELLO HELLO WAKE UP. STOP SHAKING ME CAZ I AM AWAKE.

Look at the gazillion people in my life whom I call friends. Really, wont you find it more offensive that I consider an insignificant person friends and you friends when youre more significant to me?
So what I do, I do, because I care in some way but to hell with friends. I do it not because "it's what friends should do." screw that okay? Everything I do MEANS something, and in your point of view you would call it "friendship"

I don't. Okay? I call it love. Personal regard. Whatever. Different people, different degree of regard. GET OVER ITTTT.

Stop trying to show me that I am wrong and yet tell me at the same time "there is no right and wrong" YOU look who's doing the judging. hypocritical bunch of shits leh all of you! wahlao! Must bombard me for what I believe in? I am so disappointed in all of you! haha and I don't really care if you're disappointed in me or son't want to be friends with me. like everything else in life, I can live with it and I can move on. Just because I can, does not mean I am a robot and you are such wonderful empathetic human beings. Fuck off.

NOW, I want to talk about my day hahahaha. Hmm I watched Detroit Metal City, the first few episodes of the anime and OMG SO FUNNAYYY HAHAHAHA-

eh wait, I forget to tell Jacob I love him too eventhough he always think he's better than me and everyone and drive me crazy. See? I told you. I love means I love forever AIYO LEAVE ME ALONE LAH. No "friends" to love me also never mind. My family does and hopefully a future husband to have a family with. TADA! Happiness. Hehehehahaha.-

OKAY continue. Anyway remember Singapore Idol? the third season (latest one) there was this dude in long blonde hair and costume and face painting I JUST WATCHED DETROIT METAL CITY SO NOW THEN I REALISED WHO KRAUSER IS HAHAHAHAHA

You see, in Detroit Metal City, Krauser is this crazy metal screamo guy, lead singer of a screamo metal band. BUT this guy accidentally joined that band, he thought it would be a lovey dovey meaningful soft melodious tunes kinda band. BECAUSE HE IS ACTUALLY that kinda of person! But the sad thing is that he is good at being metal screamo and his love songs SUCKSSSS. Hahahaha! And everytime the anime shows him trying to sing love songs he looks soooo retarded and gay and mushy BAHAHAHA

So, my point is, Krauser on SG Idol I SALUTE YOUUUU. The irony is BEAUTIFULLL how you dress like that and purposely sing a love song hahahaha THE JUDGES ARE STUPID. Your voice isn't that bad and you should make it through and they should appreciate the irony. But sadly, eventhough the judges are immersed in the MEDIA industry, they don't know the existence of KRAUSER, shame on you! Aiyah, I think the judges are retarded to begin with so whatever.

(Hate Dick Lee. He's a dick hehehehehe and Florence is really a Lian. Don't know anything but act like know everything. Ken is arrogant and think he so damn good. BUT I respect that occasionally his comments are professional and made sense. Other than that, I think all three judges are RUDE and purposely try to mock and diss people because they think they are so funny and give entertainment value. Disgusting. Even American Idol isn't mean please.Singaporeans really over do things.)

And then I recently I also watched Survivor (just the last episode because I cannot be bothered with TV) AND OMG ASS TO THE MAX RUSSEL SHOULD HAVE WON. I was so upset, Russel was so upset UGHHH people are just sore losers and sometimes need to OPEN UP THEIR MINDS and see that the bad people have good in them and that eventhough russel betrayed everyone like siao and lie and deceive and manipulate and use people? HE DID IT FOR THE GAME. It is how you play the game! And they should stop taking it personally and give him the win because HE deserves it! Jaison is stupid because he said in real like "you would hate the Russel and you wouldnt want to let him win" OMG YOU CHILDISH BRAT IN REAL LIFE, YOUR PRIZE IS DEATH.
Idiot.

You die, you go to heaven or hell. So the point of the game of Life, is to do good things, live a purposeful life and ENJOY THE JOURNEY. In survivor, SCREW THE JOURNEY ONLY 1 MONTH WHAT, and you get a million dollars! Doesn't mean that Russel is a bad person! He just know what to do in the game! Wahlao! hate sore losers and people who take it personally. I AM SO UPSET FOR RUSSELLLLLL :( Russel I am officially your number 1 fan because I APPRECIATE THAT HOW YOU PLAYED THE GAME WAS AN ART MAN. WOOOAAHHH
hahahahahaha

shiz man my post is very long and I have chores to do but I really don't feel like doing them. I feel like eating. RAWR. I really feel like eating.SIGHZ it seems I am gaining weight even thought I cut down on my food.WTHHHH. And I have been exercising (though not as often as I want to)sigghhhh not enough! Must do more! RAWR.

Hokes is my favouritest boy in the world. That's why he's my boyfriend. Not the other way around. Yay! It seems I still cant wear that halter dress. Sad. I want to make custard tarts. Without growing fat. maybe give some to my aunts, cousins and hokes' family too. Hmm. I would give Jacob too. But he would never meet me. And Ryan but he's overseas. And other people but they are angry with me. TOO BAD. no yummy tarts for you! until you want to talk to me. because actually i am ok. HAHA. contradictory. Im ok if youre ok. OK! my mama is being annoying but I love my papa like crazy suddenly caz I thought he almost died. Sigh, it's so cute when your parents show you they love you. SEE. NO MATTER WHAT MUST RESPECT YOUR PARENTS. even if they are wrong and retarded. omg I really feel like eating tarts. See? this is how my train of thought travels.

I am weird.

Honestly...

2009-12-19T19:18:00.003+08:00

...for someone that writes in a philosophical manner, your enlightenment seems to be a little low. Not meaning to put you down, instead I commend you for digging for depth in life.

Sincerely, I am happy that you've learned to not care about what people think. Honestly, again, as much as you've think you have changed, you haven't changed at all.

Still, you separate yourself from the rest, thinking that you are one of the very few that goes through what you go through, that you're getting the butt end of the deal. Tragically, it's untrue. Everybody has gone through the same problems when it comes with dealing with human beings. Be it in one form or another. Nobody is that different. Can you honestly say that you are nothing like the people you used to label as friends? Do you appreciate everything that is done for you? Do you dare to claim that you have not taken advantage or use somebody?

Lovingly, you cling on to your theories. And how tiresome it must be to filter everybody that you meet. Deciding who is good or bad. Judging really. By your standards, are you all good? But your comeback would be "nobody is 100% good." So how much good must a person be for you to be friends with? 60%? 70%?

Friend is a man made word? Definitely. Just like every other word. What else would have come up with it? Would it not be bullshit if Friend was expressed with hand gestures? Or if a dog came up with it? Maybe a rock would fit better. Rocks don't expect anything from you.

Honestly, third time again, if relationships fail you so much, why bother with a boyfriend? How do you know he is to stay? Or are you just waiting for him to disappear as well? How about your exclusive few? Do you expect them to love you back? Do you expect them to love you just as much? Or just loving you the tiniest bit be enough for you?

Eagerly, you look at everybody else and draw up your theories. Blindly, you forgot to look at yourself. Do you even live up to your theories? I'm not disagreeing with your theories. Neither am I agreeing. But I hope you won't be stubborn and be closed off. Do not treat them as they are black and white when they're all based on greys. Theories are just thoughts and not proven to be facts.

I just want to say again that I'm not dissing your opinions. I'm just poking holes at them to show you that it's not 100% truth. Stay grounded and not get caught up trying to figure your life out or you'll die trying.

I still love you, and I still call you friend. And I'm still Ben/Jerry/Whichever even if you don't wish to label me friend.

P.S. Friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, family, etc - they are all labels. Only the emotions are true. But the nouns make it easier to express how you feel about them.

Faith is a terrible thing to waste.

2009-12-13T01:05:00.002+08:00

Eventhough there are people out there who disagree with me regarding my theory, it makes me happy. I feel relieved that someone is fighting for this. But as jaded as I feel, there are exceptions.

I met up with Jtan for Starbucks. We were feeling a little off. I guess we needed it. We both kinda talked about this.

People are angry with it I know, my bad for dissing people's opinions. Whether I think it's a fanclub or not, I should just learn to accept people's opinions. It's a trait I'm trying to change.

But I just feel that, they're lucky? Or they just have a lot of faith. I myself told Jon Ho the other day point blank that I don't consider him a friend. Because it's a term used too loosely and I only have a few people in my life that I love. For those selected few, I'm willing to use it, though people abuse it much too many times.

Some people are lucky. They don't feel the betrayal. Or the superficiality. Or just the ugly things in life that lurks beneath every pretty thing. Maybe they're lucky they do have many friends that are good people.
Some people are strong. They believe in it and go all the way.

Then am I not lucky? Am I not strong? What do you do when your friends use you. What do you do when your friends leave you without looking back. What do you do when your friends aren't sincere in their friendship all along? Why does your husband sleep with your best friend? If love was a higher level of friendship, one that includes intimacy, why does divorce rates increase anyway? What do you do when your friends expect things from you. What happens when they don't appreciate the shit you do for them. I mean, if you step back and look at people. Really look. They don't need you. And you don't really need them.

I feel worn out, how do you maintain a faith in people, when you realised the friendship is based on all the wrong reasons? An attachment with people. You can go through so much shit with them and still have them not give a shit about you. Is it just me? Is it just how the dice rolled for me? That almost everyone isn't real. Except for that small select few. Then again, you cannot say. Only time will tell right? I'm young. How can I ever tell people will stick?

How do you feel if you've been a friend to people, done things for them, but they would rather do things for someone else. And not because that someone else was a better friend. Maybe he/she is prettier. Or more popular. Funnier. Richer. Fascinating.

Haven't you ever felt that way?

I'm sure at least one other person in the world did.

The people I love, I love. With hesitation. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for them to disappear like everyone else. Already I feel so bummed Cas is going to Oz. I don't even wanna think about it. I just don't want to expect anything from people. I guess most of them like it. And still expect things from me. Expect my tolerance. Expect me to overlook things. "Oh I can treat her like shit, it's alright, we're friends!"

I want to demand a line to be drawn. I want to demand that you should never stoop to that level! But I don't want to expect things from people so I don't.

Which is why I still think it's a fan club. I still think it's a delusion. Look at the people falling out of love. They go "oh it's an infatuation. I got too caught up in it." Sometimes when you're in the situation, you can't see it. Maybe in the future, when you look back you can. But it's so hard to see it. People fall for it so many times. In love. In friendships. How can you ever tell that you're not deluded?

Isn't it best to just stop throwing yourself recklessly in it? It doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. I can just live with the acceptance, that people come and go. And when people leave, it's time. It doesn't mean I won't do all that I can. It doesn't mean that I don't give a shit. It just means I stop feeling so betrayed and hurt and angry. I stop being pissed off with the world.

I should be flipping Buddha. Detach myself from all worldly desires. Only then true happiness is achieved. Buddha preached it. Islam preached it. I shan't talk about the other religions. I only approve of true Buddhism and Islam. But Buddhism doesn't have a God so... there you go.

And I agree it with it. They also preached that it doesn't mean you can't enjoy life. Enjoy people and relationships. It doesn't mean you can't love people. Instead, they encouraged it. To make the best of it.

So why the misunderstanding? Do you feel you've done more for me than I've done for you? Do you feel obligated to love me? Be friends with me just because of what we've been through? I don't want that. People already hate their families because of the obligation love ties you with. I don't expect that. I understand that my family is different and they expect it from me. And you've seen how it made me despair. But I've accepted it. That there are bigger things. And it's alright.

I want to be a good person. I want to help everyone out equally. Even if you're across the world, and I don't know you, I want to comfort you. If your home is destroyed, I want to help you fix it.

I want to, I genuinely want to but I can't, so I just do what I can with the people around me. Why can't people do that too? Why can't people be nice? Stop judging? Stop being rude? Stop being selfish?

Just because I want to do things for everyone doesn't mean I love you less. Do you need me to love you more than everyone else because you do for me? Doesn't that make you feel like shit?

The select few of people I love I'm trying k? I'm doing what I can to spend time with you. To do things for you simply because I want you to be happy. I want to do it because I want to and not because you expect it out of me. I want the world to be void of one-sidedness. If you do things, just because you want someone to be happy, why would you feel it's one-sided? Like me? Why did I feel so upset. Because I loved that person and that person didn't love me. That's why. And I will move on and love what's left. So stop worrying that I love you less okay?

That I don't appreciate you or think you're a "friend". I just stopped believing in that term. But I never gave up on love. If you are upset about this, thank you. But don't be. There is no cause. If you are not, then carry on with your life. Because it doesn't concern you and because you don't care about me.

And it's alright.

"Friends" Do Not Exist Theory

2009-12-10T15:34:00.005+08:00

Friends. The word itself is bullshit. There are no such things as friends. "Friends" is a word made up by man to believe that he is not alone in this world.
He is wrong and he is wrong.

He is never alone in this world. It is bullshit. Everyone will experience life. And on this planet, life means eventually meeting more than one human being (Or animal. Up to you). Thus, you are never alone you ignorant person you.

According to the dictionary.com this is its definition:

–noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.
5. (initial capital letter) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.

I believe this affection/emotional attachment/regard is temporary. I feel that if you spend alot of time with someone (and that person must be at least a nice person) you will overtime develop an affection/liking with said person.

It's inevitable! So, wherever you go, you will (if you reach out and communicate) have friends!

There's a saying, "Strangers are just friends you don't know yet."

HOW TRUE! And how absolutely rubbish! The significance in the word "friends" have been totally and utterly lost. Or maybe, it was never there to begin with! We just made it up to make ourselves feel good because we have "friends". We have alot people who give a shit about us. We have alot of "friends". Which is why it's natural for someone to yearn for popularity and fame.

My theory is, in this world, there are no friends. There are good people and bad people.

Good people are considerate and kind by nature. They will help anyone in need and they are nice to all(even if it's only in the beginning). Until someone does something to make them dislike you, their niceties to you would severely decrease (but they would never murder you or anything of the sort). And if it's truly unbearable, they will just stay away from you, occasionally indulging in discussing your bad qualities to someone they trust the conversation with.

And bad people only care about themselves. Or are serial killers. Or are manipulative dictators. Period.

So all good people will eventually be "friends" as man have coined it, and bad people will take advantage of you, step on you, bring you down, manipulate you, just so he/she will rise above you.

And people who scream, "No! I do have friends! Real friends!" You are all deluded and are a part of the Friends Fan Club. Similar to people who are in love with love. Except that love exists and friends do not. That's why they're "in love" and not "in a fan club". Though infatuated people are often misled into believing it is love.

So the reason why friends come and go is because people come and go. If you tell me you've been friends with a person since childhood and that's an example of friends forever, you are mistaken. It's only because the person has not left. Which is why he/she is still "friends" with you. Get it?

Friends are people whom you are comfortable with that are created out of circumstance. You meet them, you know them, you befriend them. Once they're out of touch, they do not think about you everyday. No one in their right mind would. They only remember you when they remember you and they will be more willing to help out people they're currently more close to. Their "new friends".

Which is why I think it's bullshit. How unfair it is for someone to be biased like that? I do not like these people. I do not approve of what these "friends" do. I would rather you treat everyone around you equally. So if I'm not your "friend", you would not help out me at all? That is a very bad trait to have. I hate people with this trait.

I would cherish a good person more than a "friend". Well, obviously! I do not believe in friends! So if you are a good person, I will love you. And if you're a bad person, but you are my "friend", I hope you know where you stand in my life now.

Thank you.

♥ elle

Hello Seattle

2009-11-29T23:34:00.002+08:00

Holy turds I haven't been updating my blog in ages. Haven't talked to Ryan and Jacob in ages too. Awww the spaces between us are wider! Even I've been neglecting Hokes (sorry dear) just get caught up in things and well it's just taxing to finish everything in the weekdays just so I can have the weekends untouched and for Hokes and only Hokes. I really do love spending the entire day uninterrupted with him :)

So really, I would prefer anything else to just be slot on a weekday tyvm :)

Time flies and gosh it's 2 weeks to common tests. SHITS. Serious lack of time now. It seems I cannot decide whether I want to be alone in school or not. People (or person in fact) have been sticking to me in lectures and leeching off my reputation and I DON'T LIKE. I hate being used but then again, work needs to be done and I need help, so I cannot be a loner as much as I would like to be.

WAI DONT PEOPLE UNDERSTAND?

So okay, everyone else is being cooperative (goooood gooooood very gooooooood!!!) they established a nice "hi-bye" relationship with me, which I like caz I don't really wanna "talk and have fun" with you in lectures. I actually wanna listen and be in my own little world. SO IT'S GOOD! Thank you rest-of-the-world! But this particular person keeps sms-ing me whether I'll be going for lectures and basically stalking me because he wants to sit with me in lectures so he won't look like a loser. I RESENT THAT HELLO. Firstly, your reputation is bad. Nobody likes you and you sticking with me? It makes people think that the only friends I have, is you. And you like that because my reputation is well, I'm not popular, but people certainly know me. so... NO, you aint rolling with me boy.

But then again, I don't mind actually, I mean I'll be your friend, if you are a person worth being friends with, I would. But since you are just using my reputation? I'm gonna play your game. AINT GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN BITCH. So, from being indifferent to my reputation, since you do care, I'm gonna care and make sure you don't get what you want (and destroy my rep at the same time)

Plus, you are disgusting. Stop staring at my boobs! SPEAK TO THE FACE! the fat face but face nonetheless!

Besides all of that, this particular person is being less repulsive (if that is even possible) this year, he's been reading psychology/self-help books AND NOT UNDERSTANDING IT because his English sucks but have been discussing it with me (and I like this kinda stuff) so I'll explain them to him. I. Am. Such. A. Nice. Person.
Lmao, and no I'm not being conceited. I'm trying to make myself believe in that so that I'll actually turn out to be a nice person! Get it? Hahhaahaha.

My mum's friends are so annoying and wonderful and annoying AND NOT FAIR they keep buying her stuff, like bags and clothes and it's so wtf-ing. I do not understand the concept of it all(?????) but well this is how the dice rolled for her so okay. One of her friends wanted to give her a Guess bag (FOR GOD'S SAKE GIVE MEEEE) and told her if she didn't like it, she can give it to me! (PLEASE HATE IT PLEASEEE) hahahaha I guess God is compensating her for having such a horrid daughter. Sorry mum. But it is afterall my life. But hey! I'm doing my best to make you happy!

Mum has like what? 5 bags given as gifts from her friends? and countless clothes and scarves. RAWR. Sorry, I don't have sincere friends that would give me gifts because they have too much money and because they love me. The friends who do love me mostly dont have too much money.

I'm still wondering what I'm supposed to do with 21.
Oh if you don't know what 21 is. Here you go.

Mission name: 21
Objectives: Live your life.

So basically at 21, I'm gonna stop letting mum force me to do things. Of course I want to be an air stewardess but... I don't see it happening without mum disowning me. Sigh... what a depressing topic.
Anyway! basically my plan is that at 21, I'll begin this transition where I'll do things without asking her permission, but merely informing her in advance what I'm gonna do.

WHICH IS BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS BTW PPL! I'm not a prisoner afterall! So I'll begin like going out as and when I like. (I predict a huge fight will explode from this) But I will persevere and CONDITION her to get used to me LIVING MY LIFE. I will stay over at people's house as and when I want to (don't worry, I respect my parents enough to make sure they're either family or close girlfriends) I will keep my curfew at 12 midnight. And I will go overseas with my friends and no one can stop me. NO ONE. OKAY?

I want to live, really live before I'm tied down with responsibilities like a stable job and a family (like children and all that) I lived my life for you all these while! It's time to live for ME. I'm so sorry that our ideals clash and our lifestyles are vastly different but it doesn't give you any right to puppet me!

yay!
I will go through with this, I want this so bad and I love my parents (grudgingly) I do, so I want them to be happy but I MUST TEACH THEM TO BE HAPPY WITH ME. With the real me...

Anyway, CHRISTMAS IS AROUND THE CORNERRRRR!!! So exciting, but yeah yeah I know as a Muslim you're not supposed to celebrate this stuffs. Aww. But I don't believe in it doesn't mean I can't enjoy the festive feel, right..? I'm not doing traditional stuffs, I don't give presents and eat turkey and all that jazz so it's alright right?
TOTALLY LOVEEEE the decoration and lights and it feels so magical and fantasy like ooooohhh, the atmosphere is nais. :D but man life is such a bitch how they celebrate christmas and chinese new year on a much grander scale. DAMN YOUS. so unfair! If Deepavali is the festival of lights YOU SHOULD HAVE MORE LIGHTS EVERYWHERE THAN CHRISTMAS!!! I can totally think up a good mood and atmosphere for Deepavali. And Hari Raya? Go traditional! DAMNNN we have such good cultures STOP WESTERNIZING IT'S SO GAY AND WANNABE-ISH so embarrassing!

But well Singapore is LIKE THAT, damn retarded I still can't make up my mind whether to migrate or not, I love the country but the people? DAMNNNN. Hahaha

Wow, my ideal Christmas would be bright beautiful decorations, especially a giant christmas tree, warm fireplace AND IT WILL BE SNOWING OUTSIDE HOW MAGICALLL IT MAKES YOU WANNA BELIEVE IN SANTAAAAA but santa doesnt exist so no I don't believe in santa, nor christmas DOESNT MAKE IT ANYLESS EXCITING!

It's about setting the mood! Man, maybe I should be an events planner! Hahahaha ok maybe not >.>

And ew I'm blabbing too much!

Ughhhh gotta document my life down, words are so important to me. It can make or break a legend, words live forever if there is someone to read it! (and understand it) so despite having a life and being busy, I shall make an effort to pen down my thoughts on a more regular basis. Till next time! Be nice!

SHE WANTS TO TOUCH ME OH OH!

2009-11-12T00:38:00.003+08:00

ooh. life is actually.

well.

it's actually the same.

I think I'm learning to deal with it better? I've been dealing with my parents SUPERBLY. and I've learnt how to control my temper with them. HO HO I am so proud of myself. I try not to think about how depressing it is too much. Sigh, 21. When I'm 21 I'll deal with it again. I AM STILL LIKE SO AWESOME.

I actually really want to be an air stewardess. HAHA. It's kinda like, my childhood dream. I mean maybe just work and travel for 2 years. Wow. See the world before I settle down. Wow. That will never happen. Wow. My mum will ask "WHERE'S YOUR TUDUNG?"

Mampos. Wow.

I am studying very diligently this sem :) WEEEEE, this time a 4.0 is very possible, IF SOMEBODY HUH, there's a SOMEBODY who is in all of my groups and is EXTREMELY IRRITATING, as if the drama last year wasn't enough. You better not be leeching off me and refuse to share your answer with me okay? DISGUSTING. I hate people, I hate working with people, I hate group work and projects RAWWWRRR but surprisingly people think I'm a people person because of my extroverted personality. HAHA little do they know HOW BITCHYYYYY I AMM.

WHICH, I am trying to tone down :( I mean really, I don't want to be like that but some people are just begging for it, seriously. So if everyone would just do me a favour and leave me alone, I LIKEEEEEE being alone! omg such a drastic change, but when I need to do work or study or some serious shit, I need solitude. I focus better. Sigh, I'm too easily distracted.
(HAHA after typing out this post half way i went on to facebook lololol okok I'm back)

I am also trying to lose weight, or rather decrease my appetite because eversince Hokes came into my life, he turned me into a pig. I also want to tone my body because Hokes the beloved likes playing with my flab and oh god the thunder thighs. non-stop suaning there :(
haha but jwong says that weight gain is a sign of a healthy relationship.
OKAAAY I guess that's a good thing but I have no desire to end up being a fat flabby walrus, NAH UH, so I shall start training for my napfa too :)

I need more time to do things caz I feel like doing so many things!

Went to Hokes' POP where he'll get a sexy blue beret, haha I have to say his cousin seriously keep cracking me up. lmao siao. and Hokes looks adorable and HOKES PAPA IS SO FUNNY AHAHAHAHHA he was the first to spot Hokes in the parade square (AWWW PAPA!) and then when he tried to take a picture of hokes, HE ZOOMED IN AND TOOK SOMEBODY ELSE'S FACE HAHAHHA HOKES PAPA HOW CAN YOU RECOGNISE YOUR SON FROM FAR AND NOT IN CLOSE UP ZOOOOMED BAHAHAHA OMG SHO KEWT I CANNOT TAHAN.

omg seriously Hokes' family is sho funny through out the whole thing keep laughing, and omg we kept dissing the place too ahahaha aiyo so cute.

:)
I will always try to be my best :)

run!

2009-10-22T12:37:00.001+08:00

I am PMS-ing.

with your ear to a seashell

2009-10-02T00:53:00.003+08:00

I do not know what I'm doing on blogger when I should be sleeping nao nao nao. God I am exhausted. I am so exhausted. I am so exhausted from being exhausted.
Nom nom nom.

Damn FYP my holiday is flying flying flying past. Here I am rushing my work and it's the holidays! I do not even feel the holiday mood. I am working like the devil with a sense of purpose, drive and determination, if I had exams now I would ace it caz I would have the mood to study and memorise every damn thing. No wait, if I had exams now I would die caz I'd be swamped- no, severely overworked.

And here I thought I could sleep in till 1pm but nooo I'm waking up early everyday to go to school, then rush down to tutor my PSLE kids, and rush down many times per week because PSLE IS NEXT WEEK FAAAART FART FART I really hope hope hope my kid'll do well. Sighhhh :( Then my Sec 1 kid's exam is a coupla weeks after PSLE so the stress isn't gonna end anytime soon.

I have a full day ahead of me tmr and yet I wish with all my might that Hokes won't feel too bummed in army. I mean I know army is supposed to toughen you up and all, but listening to it? Ugh, I wouldn't survive in army. Not physically, mentally. Seriously, I would like to sue the administration and revamp the entire thing. I am very sure, with a more EFFICIENT administration, everything can be done and learnt within 10 months. or less. looking at the way they're handling things now. useless bums.

And no, I'm not being anal STFU I'm just a perfectionist about certain things. And knowing that people are being unproductive eats me inside out because I have a thing against wasting life. Life is short, I myself don't have enough time to do everything I want to, accomplish everything I want to, and watching 2 years of lameness kinda ticks me haha.

Cheer up, chubby bunny! Are you still chubby? :D

On a happier note, I am SO DAMN CONTENTED because I am not moody. My god, you just have to be in my shoes when I'm PMSing, you'd feel like shit. Like literally shit. Like you just wanna run roll lie on the ground, kick slap jump, shake shake shake your headddddd and get rid of the shitty feeling. You feel restless and depressed and hate every god damn thing for being so so stupid lame.

I'm quite sad that my PMSes are so severe. I fear they might take over my life. They could even possibly be an alternate personality. Wowzers.
But it feels kinda good now because I'm feeling healthy stress not brain eating stress. I'm feeling the sense of urgency and worry but I'm not stressed to the point I'm going OH ^%%$# oh $@$%# letmedienowplease and I'm coping pretty fine. I'm actually happy. I'm happy eventhough army is eating into my Saturdays with Hokes, I'm okay with it, though poor dear kinda bummed abt it. *hugs*
I'm happy eventhough bird poop on my arm, eventhough FYP and tuition is worrying me endlessly, eventhough I hate some people, eventhough my parents are acting up (BUT I AM DEALING WITH IT WONDERFULLY OMG SURPRISINGLY) eventhough I am in debt, so badly in debt, I'm happy eventhough I don't smile.

I wish people would stop misunderstanding each other. I'm too damn tired to explain myself properly all the damn time, and people shouldn't have to explain themselves all the time so if you'd judge a little less, this post wouldnt mean anything much. What I do wouldn't mean anything much. sometimes people just dont know how to give other people a break and feel the need to intrude and impose your views on everyone or rather share your witty comments with the world caz yeah you're so smart wow
*rolls eyes*
and no, no one actually did this to me, it's just something I observed. if you thought otherwise, you should mind your own beeswax and obviously have been judging and forming impressions and analyzing a little too much.

Also, I'm too tired to smile. But I've been enjoying myself. In a I-wanna-close-my-eyes-and-lean-back-WITHOUTSMILING kinda enjoy myself. Leave me alone!

Bonne Mama jams are so damn expensive but so damn delicious.

P-P-P-Paparazzi!

2009-09-30T22:54:00.004+08:00

Lady Gaga's Paparazzi is suddenly speaking to me in volumes. Hahaha I watched her music video and loved it. She's so weird. Recently watched an interview and the interviewer asked her about her love life. She shooked her head and went," Nope. No nah-uh." and when he tried to probe deeper, she looked around and said," Can we just stick to my music? Please?"

Hahaha THANK YOU thank for being so painfully honest. Even though it calls for awkward situations but like her, I've also learned from life, screw awkward situations. Even if I am put in one, no one will make me feel awkward without my consent!

Had a conversation about this with Cass Lee recently and we regret holding back in our lives. Now we say what we mean and mean what we say and god I feel liberated. It feels good to not care what people think about you. And more often than not, being honest equals less complications which is just the way I like it.

I mean look. It's true now I'm all antisocial not hanging out with people and I deliberately keep to myself and don't indulge in small talk to "make friends" and it's perfectly alright.

:)

I'm not gonna pretend I know you very well. I'm not gonna pretend I know many people and are close to many people. I'm not gonna pretend I'm popular and well loved.
I KNOW I'm not such a hideous person that everyone hates me. I KNOW I get along fine with alot of people. I KNOW people might get irritated with me and it's okay.

I mean, this image thing is getting too out of hand. It's like high school. All this politics and sticking with friends and pretending you're close to someone and what what what whaaaaat?

Hahahaha. If everyone hated me right now I think I would embrace it with open arms caz I love myself so much right now, dammit ryan, your influence is too strong! Ryan is a narcissist by the way :)

The people I love should know by now I love yous even though I don't consistently express it. I'm shy like that. The people I'm not close to, or just casual friends with, I'm perfectly fine with you too.

I think everyone actually appreciates me being solo in lab because I KNOW you don't really wanna talk to me. You, like me, just wanna do your FYP in routined peace and it actually feels good. You don't have to crack your heads to think of what to say in a feeble attempt at small talks. GOD I AM SO CONSIDERATE EVERYONE LOVE ME NOW.

HAHAHAHA EW I AM SO UP MYSELF EW RYAN EW EW EEEEEEEEEWWW this is your doing :D

I feel like I'm less dependant on friends now. I've become more introverted. Somehow friends became such a shallow word. I cannot refer to anyone I know as friends, because to me, a friend is... well a friend. Like really you've been a true friend kinda friend. But it feels kinda cold to call you an acquaintance haha but you know what I mean. I finally understood my 3rd aunt too. I don't need friends actually. It's not a need. I mean, many people can be your "friend". Your cousin can be your friend. Your relatives, siblings anyone in your family can be a friend. So... friends. Friends come and go and some people are good ones and some suck at being friends.

I think it's the thought that counts? If you look carefully in your life, alot of your friends actually take advantage of you. You may feel like that person is so important to you but they may not feel the same way back. I used to love my friends to death. Everyone whether we're close or not. I appreciate them. Now I don't. Because they don't. So when you need me, I'll be there for you, it's the most human thing to do. But if I lose you? I can live with it.

It's not that I don't cherish friendship anymore. I do. And I will put in effort to maintain all my (real) friendships. It's just that I have come to terms with and accept that there is a possibility where the day comes when we're no longer friends and I'm able to move on and live with it. Like someone once told me, Friends come and go. It doesn't mean I don't give a rat's ass about friendships anymore you know? There's a difference. I hope none of you will misunderstand and I hope it won't change the state of our current friendship.

And also, this introverted-don't-talk-to-people thing? It's a phase or mood or whatever name you'd like to give it. It'll pass and suddenly I feel like partying and being a social butterfly again. Actually, if you put me in a situation where I HAVE to socialise, I think I'd still do a decent job at it. It's just that given a choice, I like to do my work in peace :D And not wander around, sit next to a random and ask how's your FYP going along. Or ask people to have dinner with me caz I'm bored or something like that that I used to do.

Haha I see my posts have been rather long and wordy. It's a mood really (:

11.33pm

2009-09-28T21:49:00.002+08:00

I just want to eat something. Or sleep.

But I can't caz I gotta wait till 12 midnight to take my meds.

Rawr?

Okay I guess since I haven't been blogging, I should finish this post proper. Well see, the reason I haven't been blogging is because I don't feel the need to. Amazing isn't it? I always thought it was an outlet, one of the more essential outlets in my life because if I don't blow off steam here, I'd morph into one of the most crazy bitch this planet has ever seen.

I guess I'm changing again? Haha I don't come online often, and when I do I don't feel like talking to anyone. And if I've got something on my chest I need to vomit out, there's Hokes who's perpetually asking me regarding my well-being so how not to tell the lovely boy? Well, actually I do enjoy talking to him, I don't know how he puts up with me, really I don't because while I was being such a bitch, I even annoyed myself.

I'm lucky :D

Let's see, today started off crappy. First thing in the morning a bird shat on my arm. It was warm. Awesome. Warm white poop dripping down my right arm and people around were sniggering and holding their laughter. GLAAAAD I MADE YOUR DAAAAY.

So I had to wipe it off with paper since I didn't bring any tissue, and walked all the way to the train station's toilet before I can wash my arm.
Oh god talk about gross.

What a bad mannered bird. You shouldn't poop so inconsiderately. Look at hamsters, they know how to poop in a corner. You wouldn't like someone pooping on you would you?

On a less disgusting note, recently went over to Hoke's godsis's place. Apparently, his family has alot of these family gatherings which I find very nice and wish my family had more of these. I think we used to but my parents kinda screwed relations in my family. Ah well. Maybe it was me. I don't know. I love all of you, you know? Sigh. Even though I don't know how to express it properly.

ANYWAYS, Hokes and his bros and cousins went to the room to play Wii and omg it was hilarious. I've never laughed to hard in ages. :D I was afraid to intrude on family time, you know how people tend to be more comfortable with their own family rather than outsiders but I learned from life that if you try, they'll try too and I think everyone got along just fine :D

The most epic Wii moment was when we were playing this mini game called B.R.U.S.H. by some bunny game and you're supposed to move the controller according to the actions on screen.

Like you move up and down when it's a toothbrush to brush your teeth.
Left and right for a razor to shave your chin.

EPIC MOMENT: I moved up and down when I saw a razor (accident! I swear!) and my bunny started razoring his teeeth hahahahahaha with sparks flying hahahaha omg I swear I laughed so hard I couldn't play the rest of the game properly xD

Went to Island Creamery for dessert and MMMMMMM YUMMEHZ. I talked more to Hokes' brothers more in a day than I have in the entire 6 months I've known them. And they seriously crack me up.

SAW CASS NGGGGG ♥ who was with her classmates, gave her a hug but left caz the family split into 2 groups, adult and kids and kids corner were at MacDs where Hokes' 2nd bro was feasting. Conversations includes Mac and Microsoft debate which is something I have no stand on at the moment.

(I can't judge caz I've never used a Mac- and you need to be a regular user before you can properly judge)

Oh oh and Hokes' nieces are uber adorableeeee. I kept stealing them and carrying the younger one (I seriously had to control myself from raining her with hugs and kisses) the older one seems friendly with me now, she constantly try to get my attention WHICH I LOVE caz she always ignore me the previous times I've seen her.

Hahahaha I like his family alrdy. I need to thank so many of them I'm losing count. They were awfully nice and welcoming and awwww :')

Oh did I mention we tried to cook pasta for lunch that day? And kinda failed caz it tasted weird and funny but still alright, we finished up our meal and Hokes' 2nd bro went for seconds HAHA yeah his bro ate our cooking hahahahahaha epicccc.

:) Wii is officially the coolest thing on earth according to me. :D I'm so gonna save up for one in future :D:D And omg can someone please please please buy me Season 1-6 of Grey's Anatomy so I can sit and eat chips and go on a Grey's marathon. That would be awesome shit.

I MISS HOKES the dodo is in armyyyy and I won't see him till Sundayyyy gaaaaayyy. Ryan has been keeping me company with random heartwarming short emails and texts and our occasional go-crazy-and-retardedly-random conversations at night when I actually bother coming online. Other than that, Hokes and seeing Cass Lee for FYP, that's the only human connection I get apart from my family.

Told you I'm antisocial.
I'm pretty much alone these days, but I'm not lonely. I kinda like it. I was lonely once. It was at night and I was emo (as usual, I'm always emo at night) but Ry cheered me up :) That was also when I was PMS-ing.

I'm actually quite contented with life, despite irritating Singaporeans, FYP, tutoring and stuffs that has kept me from enjoying my hols. But yeah, life is boring, slow, monotonous, routine-d and uneventful save for random things like Hokes' family gathering, I'm not worrying.

I think I've accepted that I screwed up my life and now the only thing you can do is make the best of it. And I am, and enjoying it too. I hope this feeling lasts caz the next time I PMS I'm gonna ruin it all and feel like shit again.

And wow. This is a pretty long post. Not bad.
:)

Ender's Game

2009-09-25T23:05:00.001+08:00

For all Orson Scott Card fans ;)

Hahahaha Squish Squish

2009-09-25T01:03:00.002+08:00

transexual by *Bob-Rz on deviant ART

*cassandra… buy me tickets to the il divo concert? please? says:
gushhhhhhhhh
guys are such assesssssssss
i wish i were lesbiannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
hahahhaa
or a guy

kt says:
hahaha cannot. later jefri die

*cassandra… buy me tickets to the il divo concert? please? says:
lol.

kt says:
or become gay

*cassandra… buy me tickets to the il divo concert? please? says:
i told him i wish iw ere a guy
then he said cannot, then he wouldnt be able to be w me.
so i said its okay. he can be gay
then he said no!

kt says:
hahahaha

*cassandra… buy me tickets to the il divo concert? please? says:
oh em geee
hahaha
then i whacked him. xDD
he’s not supposed to say no! LOL
he’s supposed to say he would be gay for me. hahahahhahahahahahhahaha

kt says:
hahaha “i would be gay for you my love”
HAHA JINX

*cassandra… buy me tickets to the il divo concert? please? says:
HAHAHAH OMG YOU READ MY MIND
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

Hahahaha talk about apt!

and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

2009-09-24T22:03:00.004+08:00

Breathe (2 AM) Lyrics
Artist(Band):Anna Nalick

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day," he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
And here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. maybe I'll just sing about it.

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
and These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, now
Sing it if you understand,
and breathe, just breathe
oh breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe

5.

2009-09-18T02:48:00.000+08:00

P.S: I don't own this.

Simplicity.

2009-09-17T02:41:00.001+08:00

I guess the more simpler things in life are usually quite complicated.

Agree?

I guess each and every one of us has different definitions for the word 'attention'

2009-09-14T00:56:00.004+08:00

So, I don't exactly get why people go on msn to only set their status as 'away' and leave the computer there for days.

Hmm, people are weird.

And, katie aka kt aka grrrrrrrrfriend aka elle aka tan tan aka khalisah is playing FFRRRRRR aka FRAWRHHHHH. And so...below is a little snippet of our conversation that gave me inspiration to blog.

kt says (12:50 AM):
YOU WANTED MY ATTENSHUNNNN
HAHAAHA
where are you? says (12:50 AM):
i know. and youre still not giving me enough of it
kt says (12:52 AM):
wtffff
I WILL BITEEEEE YOUUUU
where are you? says (12:53 AM):
but youre not
I WANT LOADS LOADS BUCKET LOADSSS OF ATTENTION
kt says (12:54 AM):
RYAN WOOOOW
YOU LOOK AWESOMEEEEE

And so apparently according to her that's considered as giving 'attention'.
Wow.

I had a dream.

2009-09-10T22:00:00.005+08:00

I was in charge of this Quran, the holy book, which was beautifully designed. It was on display on the wall. Everyone visited the wall, just to admire the beautiful intricate design of the Quran.

One day, a woman in black hijab approached me. Now that I think about it, she was quite beautiful, with thick lashes lined with kohl, she had big eyes no doubt, and full lips. She had high cheek bones and her features are proportionate and placed perfectly on her face. Fair skinned, dark eyes, she looks like a typical middle-eastern woman. I seem to find most of them beautiful anyway. Her hair was high and tied back and could be seen peeking between her forehead and the hijab.

She then approached me and told me she wanted to buy the Quran. I asked her, what for? She said she is a collector and she loves collecting beautiful Qurans. I told her to give me time to think about it. And went away.

Later, I caught her touching the Quran. I reprimanded her, Have you taken your ablution? She said yes. I told her the Quran is only for display purposes. She asked me again if she could have it.

"Name any price. I'll write you a cheque. You could use the money to do anything you want. Renovate the wall. Build a museum. Anything. Any price."

I asked her again, what would you do with it?

"I would display it in my home of course," she said wistfully," among other beautiful things, where people who know how to appreciate it, like me, can appreciate its beauty to the fullest extent."

"But isn't it of more good here? Where more people can see and appreciate its beauty?" I argued.

"Ah, but what use is it, if they don't really know how to appreciate it? All they do is look and see a pretty designed Quran. Can I touch it?" she never took her eyes off the Quran.

I said no.

"What you lust after is material beauty. You want it because of its beautiful cover. The beauty of the Quran is not in its cover. It is in Allah's words. Thus, all Qurans are beautiful. For this reason, I cannot sell you the Quran. It will remain on this wall for everyone to appreciate it equally," I said.

She closed her eyes and nodded her head, I understand.
And left.

I woke up to my mum telling me to drink some soya-milk because I had been very ill the night before and I need food in my system. I find it pretty scary that I dreamt this in the month of Ramadhan. And more so, that I had even said those words in my dream. I tried to re-enact it the best I could BUT TRUST ME I sounded deeper and wiser in my dream. In reality I could never have come up with words like that. The phrasings are so... old-school. And peculiar. Come on man, I'm too hip to talk like that. OK, freaky period over. I'll tell you about my other dreams another time.

How I'm Such A Beeyatch. woosh woosh yeah.

2009-09-10T21:29:00.002+08:00

#1 How I'm such a Beeyatch.
Inspired by my brother when I asked him what I should blog about.

Beeyatch(n): An unpleasant, rude girl.

1) When I was in the bus. I saw Fauzi and Shaun. I said hi. They said, Why don't you have a seat (refers to window seat in front). A woman was sitting next to that seat (aisle seat). I said, DONT WANT. I DONT WANNA CLIMB OVER MOUNT EVEREST. She looked up at me, smiled apologetically, and moved in.

:O
BEEYATCH!

2) I make racist jokes to my brother about his dark skin colour everyday. He finds it so funny, he can't help laughing along.

:O
BEEYATCH!

3) I scold people in the lab loudly but indirectly for being slobs. "WHO THE HELL NEVER REFILL PIPETTE TIPS HUH? LIKE NEVER DO LAB BEFORE LIKE THAT WAH LAO."

:O
BEEYATCH!

4) When someone hit my leg accidentally with his shopping bags, I apologised. When he just ignored me, I screamed," YOU HIT PEOPLE LEG THEN NEVER APOLOGISE!" Much to the shock of Hokes and the people around me. The D-bag walked away ignoring me. (to be fair, my leg hurt a hell alot)

:O
BEEYATCH!

5) I did all of these things without feeling bad for being a beeyatch.

:O

ENOUGH, I shall now mend my ways. PATIENCE is once again key.

Our daily conversations

2009-09-01T01:31:00.003+08:00

HOKES
Khalisah! I choose you!

KHALISAH
You think what? I Pokemon ah?

HOKES
Hahaha yes, do you know what type of Pokemon you would be?

KHALISAH
What? Snorlax? I bet you're gonna say I'm like Snorlax or something.

HOKES
Nope.

KHALISAH
Then?

HOKES
Electric type. You know why?

KHALISAH
Huh? Why?

HOKES
Caz you have Thunder Thighs!

KHALISAH
...

HOKES
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

KHALISAH
You're an ass. *SMACKS*

when you see my face, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell ♥

2009-08-27T21:51:00.006+08:00

Welcome to the Esplanade. I like the Esplanade. Alot. It's so artsy fartsy. I like the library in there too. It's a conducive place to study in. I study there on my own. Now that you know where I study, please don't go there because I hate people.

Went there recently to study and Jtan was so niceeeee. Jtan just came back from Hongkong and has no exams BUT STILL he's so nice he actually offered to accompany me while I mug, for motivation and to poke me when I'm being lazy. Isn't Jtan just the sweetest? I'm praising him now, so his head will swell and he won't fit through the door. Haha! You're stuck now, hongky boy! If it weren't for him, I would've been to lazy to get out and probably not studying productively at home. Yayyy.

After studying from 11am to about 4plus pm, We went to the roof terrace thingy thing thing to chill out, or rather thaw, after being frozen in the library. And I took that picture! Isn't it niceeee? I'm trying to be artsy fartsy! Don't mock me okay, I know I'm a noob leave me beeeeee!

I took other pictures too. Which left Jtan very amused caz I was all over the place and letting mozzies feast on my arms too.

Considering the camera is only 3 megapix, like the camera in my phone (EEESH!) I think I like the pictures I took. I want to put Jtan's face up here but, we both saw his double chin hahahaha I shall put up a more flattering one next time :D

Jtan! I owe you Starbucks! Don't forget :)

Elle

Well I had my ways, they were all in vain.

2009-08-25T21:20:00.006+08:00

Just taking a little break from the heavy workload!

Unfortch, I can't embed the video to blogger :(

So... if you care enough, then click on the URL to watch the music video!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghhivSh1hSc&feature=related

And, here are the lyrics to she is love by parachute VA.

OH! Lovedrunk by Boys like Girls is pretty fucking rad too!

Lataaaaaaaaah.

I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around,
But she takes it all for me.
And I lost my faith, in my darkest days,
But she makes me want to believe.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
She is love, and she is all I need.

She's all I need.

Well I had my ways, they were all in vain,
But she waited patiently.
It was all the same, all my pride and shame,
And she put me on my feet.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
She is love, and she is all I need.

And when that world slows down, dear.
And when those stars burn out, here.
Oh she'll be here, yes she'll be here,
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love. love.

She is love, and she is all I need,
She is love, and she is all I need,
She is love, and she is all I need.

You're an idiot.

2009-08-24T12:49:00.002+08:00

You're a stupid lecturer!
OMG I hate studying for INAC.

Firstly, the questions that come out are stupid, redundant, unimportant yet given SUCH A HIGH WEIGHTAGE OF MARKS FART. FART FART FART.

Secondly, in your notes, you listed 4 and 5 errors for 2 different methods respectively. At the end of your notes, your revision question was;

List 6 errors involved in the preparation of volumetric solutions by each of these methods:
a)The Direct method
b)The serial dilution method

WTF YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT DIRECT METHOD. wtf is a direct method? The 2 methods previously mentioned in your notes is "Errors involved in preparing stock solution" and "Errors involved in dilution" (AND this is after I corrected your English)

I AM GOING TO ASSUME that "Errors involved in preparing stock solution" is the DIRECT FARTING METHOD you were talking about.

STILL, you want me to list 6 errors for EACH METHOD? WHEN YOU ONLY GAVE LESS THAN 6 WTF WTF WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? Are you retarded? Did someone stab you in the brain?
OMG HOW CAN YOU EARN SO MUCH MONEY AS A LECTURER WHEN YOU SUCK BALLS.

I am so pissed off studying.
Hopeless.
I HATE polytechnics. YOU HEAR ME? YES. Poly is full of SHITHEADS. Shoudve gone to a JC.

FML.

Angry,
Elle.

Belated

2009-08-24T11:21:00.001+08:00

I'm at the Esplanade library now.

I will squeeze everything in my head now.

Wish me luck.

Elle

Cyanide and Happiness

2009-08-22T23:02:00.000+08:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Big hearts are for breaking.

2009-08-22T22:33:00.006+08:00

Life is about contradictions. The safest theory I can come up with.

I should blog about this, because, well, no reason actually.

I blew a big big hole in my pocket. I went shopping with XT when I'm broke. You're a joke, Elle. Yeah, well, I'm broke, and retail therapy isn't doing its therapeutic wonders.

I bought beautiful things that my religious parents would throw me to hell for. Spent over a hundred bucks I think, I don't even dare look at my bank book. Omg no way. I think, I shall devote the next 5 months to depositing money.

I shall surprise Hokes with my new look tomorrow. I finally have more than one dress zomg clap for me people, clap!

I realised, I live for what I see in his eyes when he looks at me.
Now that I have it, I don't know if I can live without it.
No, you don't really understand. (I just like to say that regardless your understanding)

I want time to stop at a nice time.

The things I really want to say, cannot be put in words.
Not that I don't want to. I don't know how to.
For an expressive person, I sure am failing at expressing.

Love,
Elle

How to be self-destructive.

2009-08-22T22:00:00.004+08:00

Hate the world. Hate yourself for hating the world.

I have not been tweeting or blogging.
I know.

I've lost the urge to pen anything down. Totally lost it. All I do is lay awake at night thinking. Muse to myself. Come up with theories about life. Wonder why I bother.
I have no mood for any songs, cept those that make me cry. I'm not even talking about sad songs. I'm talking about songs that literally makes you cry. Well, literally makes me cry.

There's a corner of your heart just for me.
I would pack my bags, just to stay in the corner of your heart.
Just to stay in the corner of your heart.

I cried.

I am so beyond the world ridiculous.

I am confused. I think nobody understands me. I think I am very easy to understand. Why do you not understand me? I make the most sense in the world. Ryan understands me. I think. At least he makes me think he understands me. It doesn't matter.
Hokes understands me. I think. I fear I would never find anyone quite like him. Not even close.
Sometimes, I'm glad no one understands me. Sometimes, when people say," I understand." I want to scream. No you don't. You don't. If you did, you'd be feeling what I'm feeling. The gravity of the situation. You don't understand.
The same whirl of emotions would engulf you as it did me.
You don't understand.

Maybe you do understand. But you don't care enough. Because it's not you. So which is it?

You've just witnessed another failed attempt at another one of my theories.

This is different.
This is something Starbucks can't cure.
Something walking in the fields with the wind can't blow away. Probably would worsen my state of mind.
I think I'm bipolar.
Yeah right.
I'm just female. Ruled by hormones. I wonder what I'm like without those hormones. I probably wouldn't be me. But does that mean hormones = me?
WTF AM I ON ABOUT?

O_O

I don't know what I want. Just like everybody else.
No.
No I'm different.
I don't how to get what I want.

Just like everybody else.
No.
I'm no different.

Love (maybe),
Elle

elle.

2009-08-11T23:23:00.003+08:00

i hate you.

i know.

this is how much i love you.

i hate you.

this is sucha 'deep' post.

i bet none of you can even understand what the shit im trying to say.

HELLO TO THE NEW SKIN. GO GO GO GO GO JELLO FATFACE! YOU ROCKKKK.
its preettaaaayyyy.

Check out the awesome new skin

2009-08-11T20:37:00.001+08:00

And check out my awesome tumblr :D

http://myorganizedmess.tumblr.com/

Hello sunshine

2009-08-02T22:44:00.002+08:00

So my body as been weak, down with influenza right after my birthday.
Hurrah really.

A week of sick is torture, especially when I have work to do and the last thing I want to be doing is lying in bed, trust me, I JUST GOT MY DRIVE TO WORK why do you take it all away from me with a little bit of swine flu?

:'(

They refuse to tell you if you're down with swine flu now, gah. Whatevs. Being rushed to the A&E at 2 am in the morning and have the doctor poking your handS with needleS. NO FUN.

Bloody service was terrible! Here I am fainting away from the fever and yet the waiting time is worse than your average polyclinic. Hello? This is A&E. You're supposed to be fast, people, fast.
Finally left the hospital at 6am. My god, 4 hours there.
TALK ABOUT SLOW.

I refuse to stay on in the hospital after my drip finished. It reached a point I would rather die at home tyvm.

The drugs put me to sleep, restless sleep as I cough my lungs out everynight.

I missed school for a week to my great distress.

Sigh
And now that school is starting tomorrow, a mountain of work to welcome me back, plus tuition work, good lord.
My brain still hurts oh I dread the pain.
My birthday however, I must say, was a good one. One of the best these recent years, (best in my own memory in fact) Hokes was the sweetest, he bought me my favourite Davidoff Game Perfume :) :)

I gave him a hundred thousand huge smacking kisses for that :)

HOW THOUGHTFUL OF YOUUU
Eventhough I think I must have gushed about it too much, and dragged you to department stores to spray some tester perfume on my wrists and breathe the wondrous scent in like a long time druggie far too often on our outings.

Sigh
you make me sho happy :')

Not forgetting my other friends too, surprising me with cake (aww sho sweet!) spamming my sms inbox and facebook wall and twitter.
Thank you all! Even if I never did reply you caz honestly this was worse than last year BUT I TRIED REPLYING THOSE ON FB OKAY so see? I tried so it's not my fault.

I miss you internets! For the entire duration of my sick leave, not once have I touched my laptop, no, not once, woe be unto me! The internet junkie. Without the internets.

Indeed.

Tomorrow.
The mad rush begins.

(I seriously need to change my bed sheets.)

Time

2009-07-21T00:17:00.004+08:00

I need more time in a day.

I need more time in a night.

I need more time.

I fear death.

2009-07-20T20:56:00.000+08:00

A cut on the throat, to mark where the gun should go?

His story.

2009-07-19T23:27:00.003+08:00

After being threatened with debarment (and expulsion), my grandmama is hospitalized.
Hokes then called to tell me I won't be able to see him on Sunday because he's leaving for M'sia that night. Smth sad happened, but it's not my place to say.

WHY does this feel like deja vu.

I REFUSE to let history repeat itself. Because I'm proud like that. Too proud to let myself consciously make the same mistakes.
I learnt from them. Right?

:(

Why can't everyone just let me be?

I miss Hokes.
I get to see him like what? 4-5 hours a week only?
And now that I'm won't be seeing him this week,
aww :(

I spent the time cleaning my room. It seems my OCD has gotten worse. I vacuum my room inside out every weekend, make my bed every morning, remembered to write stuff in my planner, do my laundry, hang my clothes properly, help mama out with extra chores since she's been staying overnight at the hospital with grandmama- HELLO what happened to the teenager living in the pigsty?

I've completed 5 projects/assignments. 3 more to go!
YESSS!
Well done, me! *pats back*
Now, to summon up the drive to spend every waking moment...

studying.

Priority change.

2009-07-15T19:26:00.002+08:00

Dr F is threatening to debar me from exams when I CLEARLY SHOW UP FOR CLASSES. I don't know what is his problem. I really don't.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of feeling that achy worryness in my heart. Which I now know is called Anxiety.

I don't deal with stress well.
Or properly.

I don't know what people want from me.
I'm sorry I don't suck up to you.
I'm sorry I don't pretend.

I ditched my friends.
I do not consider Alfred and Sharon friends anymore.
I'm sorry guys.

I'm tired of dealing with your complications.

Since I feel that perhaps this time I shouldn't cut you guys off without prior warning or reason (like I did with Hidayah)
here's why.

Alfred.
I dislike your personality.
As much as I have tried to overlook your flaws. I cannot.
Though you may think you have matured, please think again.

The last straw was when I did your share of work for you, and you still have the nerve to come late, dressed very stylishly. You should have gone,"ah screw my hair, I'm cabbing to school." Your attitude pisses me off and I'm tired of being pissed off.
Never mind that, I receive no word of apology or thanks.
I may be your friend, but I hate being taken advantage of.
Maybe I'm petty. Or childish. Small things also want to throw away friendship.

YAH. I am. I just feel like it. So I'm done helping you.

Sharon.
You always give people the impression that you are up to standard, but you're not. You bitch alot and you don't say things to people's face, contradicting what you tell me. I'm using this as a platform to inform you guys because I cannot face friends like yous. Stress is not something I handle very well at the moment.

Both of you have a habit of talking behind people's backs about your own friends. Yes, I agree that my friends have short-comings, but I soon realise I'm sinking into that habit of bitching. Me don't like. So no.I don't like your personality. I don't like the fact that I am your friend, but you talk behind my back.

I don't talk to everyone about one person.

If I want to bitch, it's a private convo between me and you.
I don't tell everyone the same thing. I don't discuss it like a damn forum.

If you feel I'm being hypocritical in saying this, then fine. It's just as well we're not friends.

Deep down, I really hate you guys. I feel betrayed of a friendship. But I'm gonna emotionally detach myself.

I fail to thank Cassandra for being my friend. Thanks for covering my asses, helping out in FYP when I totally FAIL at calculations (I hate maths lah)

I'm listening to All that I've Got by The Used being emo happy hahahahaha. awesome. Daddy gave me something he called a "woofer" hahahaha no idea wtf it is or how to spell it but I amped up the treble and bass and now it's like HECK YEAH THIS SONG IS THE SECKS :D

Hmm Abigail, I'm very proud of her. I like her. I think she's a genuine person. Just very naive. But she improved greatly! I'm so proud of her! She can do FYP on her own now, and her standard of work is improving.

Haha me and Cass had taken her under our wing and we're like trying to teach her life skills or smth like that.
She has a habit of being easily distracted, especially when it comes to work, but I still have tolerance for her. So I'm okay with her I guess. Me and Cass genuinely want her to do better, caz we feel people might take advantage of her and she wouldn't know it.
Abi's more independent now, good for you!

I don't like my course, hate the people in my school with a few people being exceptions. Hate the incompetent biased lecturers. I'm gonna study my ass off from tonight onwards so pardon me if I go on long hiatus.

Okay, I'm gonna start work at 8.30pm. It's 8.10 now, so for 20 mins I'm gonna headbang to The Used and forget my worries for awhile.
It's the only thing I could do when the #@$%@##$! army stole my boyfriend away from me.

Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
The worries are washed out to sea
See the changes, people's faces blurred out
Like sunspots or raindrops...

(Chorus)
Now all those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time.
but today ive wasted away for today is on my mind...

Left the only worries I had in my hands,
Away from the light in my eyes..
Holding tight and try not to hide how i feel....

(Pre-Chorus)
'Cause Feelings mean nothing

(Chorus)
Now all those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
but today I’ve wasted away for today is on my mind
(yeah today is on my mind)

I can't care to worry
Im feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart
Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind

(Pre-Chorus)
Where feelings mean nothing

(Chorus)
Now All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time (all be lost in time)
But today I’ve wasted away, for today is on my mind
For today is on my mind
Yeah today is on my mind

Now I care to worry
I’m feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart...

The Used rocks my socks. THANKS ADAM FOR THE INTRO. xoxo

Dear friends of mine

2009-07-06T23:10:00.003+08:00

You guys are damn stupid.

Seriously.

You take 3 hours to produce work that I can produce in 10 mins.
YOU SUCK!
Hahahaha

I don't even care what you think about me now because,
you have got it in your stupid little heads that you have done ENOUGH!
Or maybe, done more than you should have!

PUHLEASE

Who is the one chasing for compilations?
Cass. Me.
Who is the one re-organising your work?
Cass. Me.
Who is the one who stay up the entire night with me to produce a DECENT presentation?
Cass
Who is the one telling you what to do?
Cass
Who is the one who teach you what to do?
Cass. Me.
Who is the one researching on your part, because your slides are the shit.
Cass. Me.
Who are the ones who even CARE what is going on in the stupid project?
US. CASS.ME. JUST US. 2 PERSONS TO DO A 5 PERSON WORK LOAD AND YOU MAKE IT HARDER FOR US.

WHY IS IT YOU GUYS ARE SO STUPID?!

Don't know how to think for yourself is it?

Stupid!
Stupid like siao!
I don't know what you are doing here!
Drop out of school please!

You say you spent your time researching.
BULLSHIT!
I research faster than you!
You must be an idiot, or I must be a genius!
Hahaha! you are at least 875433685585 times stupider than me!
How come I can find so much info, YOU CANNOT?

Useless brainless creatures who have the nerve to act self-righteous and give attitude! Eff you! Go and die! Still want to talk about how other people so lousy at project work, WHY DON'T YOU LOOK AT YORUSELVES.

The only ones that are producing is me and Cass. And not only we are not appreciated, it is not even acknowledged! You guys firmly DONT BELIEVE that we have been covering your asses! YOU BURDENS! you make life so difficult for us!
DOING OURSELVES WOULD BE 99999999 times simpler!

You brainless imbeciles!
Don't give me that attitude that you are so stressed oh poor you, you got so many things, awww
YOU THINK WHAT?
We're supposed to accommodate to you is it?

If you know you're busy, DO THE WORK WHEN YOURE FREE.
Don't give excuses!
Even if I MYSELF am a last minute person, I ACTUALLY DO IT LAST MINUTE. I DONT GO TO SLEEP, ASSHOLES. I'LL STAY UP THE ENTIRE NIGHT IF I HAVE TOO.

CB.

All talk no action. Act as if you all damn good. You ask me whether I'm free on this date this time, and I haven't even replied you yet, you sms me again that it's confirmed, meet here at this time.

CRAZY AH.

MY OPINION DONT MATTER LAH.

So I must come down only when you're free la?

YOU THINK WHAT?
I YOUR DOG IS IT?
I'M NOT YOUR DOG, CB.

Eff you all!
You lazy idiots!
You lazy unproductive idiots!

Spend 3 hours doing project of which 20 mins is doing the actual project while 2 hours 40 mins is spent on facebook, or facebook games, or chatting or whatever useless shit you idiots do!

It's either you guys are damn useless and lazy, that you put in so little effort, or you guys are really stupid such that you take 3 hours to produce a lump of SHIT.

Pick one!

I DON'T WANNA DO PROJECTS WITH YOU GUYS ANYMORE.
Effing idiots!
Next time, if got project,
split the work between the 3 of you.
Once you're done, me and Cass will salvage your shit.

You stupid burdens.

we'll be flying pigs.

2009-06-28T20:38:00.003+08:00

I think having older brothers is the coolest shit ever. Hokes has 2.
RAWR.

Hahaha.

Anyway.
I am.
So weird.

Just awhile ago I was having this major hissy fit, screaming at my parents and now I'm all chill.
I think I'm mental. Maybe I'm like bipolar or some shit like that.

But seriously. I was like having my dinner (which is cold packet noodles bought in the morning, why gee mum you shouldn't have) while watching TV. I was watching Dgreyman (however you spell that) and Dad came, took the remote, changed the channel to some stupid Chinese show about kungfu, emperors and revenge, without saying a word, just because he's angry about what happened a coupla hours ago.

Rude much?

I mean, you could have said, "I wanna watch my show now, Mummy's in the room praying."

I'd understand, I wouldn't even stop you.

But hell, just because you're my Dad doesn't mean you don't need to respect me.
This is where I go (in my mind), Fish you!

While Mum was screaming at me, (for no particular reason actually), she said I'm disgusting and that I air my family's dirty laundry and that I badmouth my family all the time, why don't you tell them what you did, you see if they agree with you or even like you. Yup, she said that.

So okay,
firstly, I'm not afraid of my actions. I don't do something at home and be afraid to let everyone know. I understand this is an asian culture thing about FACE so okay, I apologise, I shouldn't have ranted about my horribly shitass dysfunctional screwed up family on something as publicly accessible as a blog regardless of how low profile it is. (so low profile I bet only 2 people frequent this blog)

And secondly, my mum wants all of you to know I'm not an angel.

Did you think I was an angel? HAHA YOU SUCKERS.

Well, today, I told my mum to shut up. I was sarcastic to her. And well, umm. I just talked back. And screamed at her basically.
And when she wasn't listening, I called her a crazy retarded bitch under my breath.

Well, I can't help it.
Dad came out screaming, because Mum was screaming. He hates it when she nags. So do I. Dad was like, "SHUT UP LAH I DON'T WANNA HEAR YOUR VOICE SHUT UP DONT NAG CAN."

Thanks Dad. You are able to scream what I am unable to, less you hear me and kill me or something.

Then me and Mum had a screaming fit, so Dad came out again and kicked my laptop.
LIKE HELLO MY LAPTOP. If my laptop dies and I'm unable to finish my 5 FREAKING PROJECTS, I'll throw that useless damaged shit at your face can?

Apparently, he learnt from RELIGIOUS CLASS that you cannot hit your children on the head (And fork you, I'm 19 this year), so this time he didn't hit me (because my head was the only accessible part of me since I'm sitting behind my bed) he took it out on my laptop.

Screaming at mum while she screams at you back, is the most disgusting thing ever.
She really screams rubbish.
Like really.
So today, I was damn rude. God it's so satisfying but it doesn't get into her head so, dammit, there goes the satisfaction. My life and studies is so screwed up right now, I'm very tempted to just leave the house. What can they do?
If I live off my aunts, they'll (my parents) be losing face.
The shame would be unbearable so they'll have to take me in.
And someone would have to pay my tuition fees.

If Dad won't, then shame on you! You fail as a father!
Everyday, everynight, every time I step in your room, you tell me to clear your plates, and then you smile and say thank you. And I'd pretend to whine about it, and still clear it and laugh.
I have never disrespected you. I always joke around with you, I do what you tell me to, I refrain from doing things you'd get mad about.
I treat you like a damn king. The family treats you like that. Because it's a typical muslim family thing. And we truly do respect you, and we love you like that.

BUT SOMETIMES YOU ARE JUST SO UNREASONABLE.
Why is your word law?! Why must I always give in to you?! Why can't I stay over at ANYONE's place?
You don't let me stay over at my aunts because you think they're bad muslims thus bad influence? I hate you! Why are you like that?!
SO NARROW MINDED.

I never get to stay over at my friends' place in my life! NEVER.
I resort to lying. Is that what you rather have?

Mum,
you're blind.
All you can see is my shortcomings.
You don't treat me equally to my brother. Everytime I bring it up, you say, don't talk about people lah, look at yourself first.

THE FACT IS, you're biased.
All my life.
I resent that. I LIVED WITH IT and am living with it, but it doesn't mean I don't resent it.

Since you hate the way I am so much, (THIS IS ME BTW, GET OVER IT) I'm never good enough, I have to clean the whole house before you can be happy with me, oh at the same time, I must be a pious muslim girl who speaks softly, no personality, and I must be a genius academically at the same time,

then don't bother about me.

Just leave me alone can?

I don't need your approval really.
It's quite impossible to attain.

Leave me alone so there won't be any dirty laundry to air.

When I'm 21, screw you.
I'm walking out of the house and coming back home AS AND WHEN I LIKE. I don't ask for your permission to go ANYWHERE. I don't report to you where I am at anytime.
This house, is not a jail.

And if you scream at me for no reason, I'm walking out of your face.

Oh, btw, Hokes heard everything. Don't worry mum, he knows how rude I am to you.
Guess what? I don't give a flying fart about FACE.

FUCK ALL OF YOU

2009-06-28T17:02:00.002+08:00

you wanna tell my mum about this blog?
GO AHEAD

I air my family's dirty laundry
OKAY

I suck as a daughter?
I'm rude?
OKAY

I DONT FUCKING MIND BEING THE FUCKING BITCH IN THE FUCKING HOUSEHOLD.

What I write on this blog is fucking private. It's for me to fucking rant.
YOU WANNA SHARE IT, GO FUCKING AHEAD.

OKAY
MY FAMILY HATES ME
OKAY
THANKS TO YOU
OKAY
THANKS
THANKS FOR FUCKING PUBLICIZING THIS SHIT

Good muslims are supposed to keep other people's bad stuff and not publicize, and only spread good words.

AIYA FUCK YOU LAH

YOU FAIL AS FUCKING MUSLIMS K?
GO TO FUCKING HELL I HOPE ALL OF YOU WILL GO TO HELL

so i'm a bad muslim because I air my dirty laundry on this blog?
FUCK YOU.
I DO WHAT I WANT.

IT'S UP TO YOU TO KEEP IT TO YOURSELVES AND NOT DISCUSS IT

I'm a bad muslim OKAY I ACCEPT THAT A LONGGGG FUCKING TIME AGO

you wanna act good muslims? PLEASE LAH, AT LEAST I'M LIVING IN REALITY.
stop judging me when you fucking suck yourselves.
isn't hypocritical to say "hey you suck as a muslim caz you publicize the shit in your family"

GUESS WHAT? IT'S WHAT TEENS DO.
teens are angsty, they rant and they tell their friends.
GET OVER IT.

why dont you practice what you preach and not be a rat and tell my mum.

DAD and MUM
you think you are better than everyone else.
you are better then mum's muslim family right?
BAD INFLUENCE RIGHT
YOU ARE FUCKING GOOD MUSLIMS RIGHT?
THE BEST RIGHT
GOD FUCKING LOVESSSSS YOU.

HOW DARE YOU JUDGE OTHER PEOPLE,
HOW DARE YOU BITCH ABOUT YOUR OWN SISTERS
SHAME ON YOU ASSHOLES

WHen I grow up, I'll abandon both of you
YOU SEE HOW YOUR SON TREATS YOU
I PREDICT THAT HE WILL DUMP YOU GUYS ON ME TO SUPPORT
AND YOU STILL SAY I TREAT YOU LIKE SHIT
FUCK YOU

NO H8 Campaign.

2009-06-24T11:52:00.006+08:00

SEX HAIRRRRR!

ooooh yeah

2009-06-24T11:25:00.001+08:00

and we've hit our 100th post. like finally.

boom boom pow.

Pronounciation 101.

2009-06-24T10:38:00.003+08:00

Say lol..lipop.

And tada, you've got the pronounciation for lol correct.

So there you go, juliet.

FWEEEEEEEE-DOM

2009-06-24T10:19:00.003+08:00

I will be a free man tomorrow.

Tomorrow, tomorrowww, tomorrow.

throw something

2009-06-21T02:13:00.002+08:00

I can't wait.

I can't wait to just skip this damn phase of my life.

I have holidays which should be called workdays because I AM NOT ENJOYING MYSELF! I am supposed to be taking a break! I hate you education! Why do you stress me so?!

When I was a kid I told my mama, I don't hate studying, I like it, school is just hateful. Why can't I learn what I want to learn as and when I like it? Like dolphins! Why don't they teach us about dolphins? I'll learn!

Oh you stupid innocent little child me.

It's quite gross. You know,life hasn't started for me.
I have just been preparing for life.
Study study study. Get cert. Get job. Get husband. Get family. Life begins.

It's hard to get cert.
Harder to get job.
Get husband?

I wish I could skip this entire thing. What's so fun about courting?
Omg, Hokes, marry me.

Hahahaha

omg don't.
we got kinks to work out.

okay. not yet then.
aiyo. are you scared? teehee.

I'm kidding, chill. aiya. aaaaaiiiyaaaa.

Okay, I'm not gonna blog when I'm emo.
Bye.

I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fuckin scared of him.

2009-06-14T01:12:00.003+08:00

Liiiiiiiiiiiike seriously. how dead is this blog? *insert bitchy tone*

Anyway since Jacob's in the army and Elle just refuses to blog..or. idk.

I'm gonna blog.

I don't exactly have anything on mind right now that I feel like the world needs to know of. BUT, here's an awesome song! I love the funky beats and the chorus makes me wanna get off my seat to dance!

Enjoy!

Time, Us

2009-06-08T21:35:00.003+08:00

I know we long to touch each other, feel comfort in the other's warmth, rest safely in each other's arms, pretending that time stands still as soon as our fingers intertwine, listening to our heartbeats drum in unison. And our shoes would be heavy, reluctant to move, because they want to be still with time. The moment would engulf our hearts, our hearts would swell, our feet would weigh like feathers, and we would run while everything else stands still. Spirals – we'll orbit everything else, swinging so fast, testing the links of our fingers. We would spin and twirl and avoiding people who get in our way, but our focus would never shift from our eyes. And some how we just know our way, know where everything is to avoid them. It would just be about you and me and everything else. Our fingertips may tingle as we brush them against our skin, as if electricity runs through our veins, but what keeps me believing is that our hearts made contact before our fingers met.

-not charlie

How do you pronounce lmao?

2009-05-24T23:57:00.005+08:00

Lmaoaoaoaoaooaoa.

Luh-maw?

L-maw?

Luh-mau-oh?

L-em-ay-oh?

Lame-oh?

Lam-owwwww?

L-mayo?

PEEEEEOOOOWOWOWOWOW

2009-05-22T19:33:00.003+08:00

My

Girlfriend

Is

AWESOME!

-not dan

YOU!

2009-05-21T20:12:00.003+08:00

I WANNA TAKE YOU TO A GAY BAR!

Hahahahahaha

I remember when Hokes first introduced this vid to me. Every time anyone (including Hokes) says "You!" I'd scream "I WANNA TAKE YOU TO THE GAY BAAAAAR!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AHHHHH

2009-05-21T15:23:00.004+08:00

NOW SINCE I MISSED THE HEROES SEMINAAAARRR

instead of writing a few lines to comment on it online like everyone else, I HAVE TO WRITE AN 800 - 1000 WORD ESSAY AHHHH FUCK YOUUU I AM FEEELING SOOOOO FUCKING ANGSTYYYY (or maybe because the fever damaged my brain already so now I'm like siao) BUT FUCK YOU FEVERRRRRRRR AHHHH!!

I AM ALREADY SOOOO BUMMED OUTTTT I actually looked forward to the Heroes Seminar really, I thought it sounded interesting, BUT AH FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKK

ESSAY OMG WLE WLE WAH LAO EHHHHHH.

And my headache is getting worse and worse
It's so painful OUCHHHHH OUCHHH DAMMIT OUCHHH
It's a sharp pain like someone is taking a stick and poking my brain matter PAINFULL OKAY? STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT'S SO FUCKING PAINFUL STOPPPPP

I want to cry.

5 Things I'm gonna start cursing

2009-05-21T14:46:00.007+08:00

#1

Genomic dateline.
Fuck You! Why 5pm?! 5pm is a stupid time! And the percentage for the report and presentation is so high! I handed in late, plus rushy project HOW TO GET MY A LIKE THAT?! Fuck you!

#2

40 degree fever flu bug. Fuck you! You think I so free is it?! I skipped work and school because of you! DIE YOU MUTHA FECKING SON OF A GODDAYUM JACK. I'm gonna eat my medicine and feel sadistic satisfaction of you stupid bacteria dying in my body. And if my brain really is permanently damaged from your stupid 42 degree fever, FUCK YOU. FUUCK FUCK FUCK YOU.

#3

*****. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU. You stupid stupid assed lecturer go baack to whatever country you came from! You lazy PIG. I hope you get swine flu from your country and DIE. Fuck you! You made my life miserable last year, still wanna make it equally miserable this year?! YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE TIMETABLE OR NOT? HOW CAN FYP PARTNERS HAVE DIFFERENT FYP SLOTS YOU BODOH FAT SWINE. I HATE YOU. Still email I've been absent WHEN I HAVE BEEN ATTENDING CLASES you idiot chee bye babi buta! I HAVE BEEN IN CLASS YOU BODOH. I GOT MC FOR YESTERDAY SO SHUDDUP LA KANINA.

#4

My brain. Fuck you! Why are you getting stupider by the year?! I used to be so smart! Now look at my grades! Fuck you! So stupid already! If the 42 degree fever damaged you, I don't know how much more stupidity of myself I can take! Fuck you! Fuck Fuckkkkkk youuu.

#5

Randoms. (only to those who fit these descriptions. some fits only part of description) Stop judging me! WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THE AMOUNT OF EFFORT I PUT IN? My planner is like the awesomest thing on earth now! WHY DO YOU KEEP THINKING I AM LAZY. I AM NOT LAZY FUCK YOU. FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU. I DO MY WORK OKAY. I'm so sorry I'm stupid! Or forgetful! Or just not good enough! I'm sorry I'm not from China or anywhere else and mug and get straight As! I'M SORRY THAT THERE ARE THINGS ABOUT ME THAT ARE JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. THIS WEEKEND I AM GOING TO DO TWO THINGS. SPEND TIME WITH HOKES AND STUDY. Or do Fyp also if need be. But fuck you! I'm sick of knowing I'm disappointing you or whatever! DONT JUDGE ME. I DONT JUDGE YOU.

I cooked my brains.

2009-05-20T21:13:00.004+08:00

I'm now lying in bed feeling woozy with a wet towel on my forehead and neck in an attempt to bring down the fever I am currently and unfortunately stuck with. (Go away, flu bug! Go away!)

Ryan thinks I have Swine Flu- CHOY! No one in Singapore has Swine Flu. It takes forever to reach Singapore. Like movies and shows and awesome entertainment things etc etc.

I was helping Cass out for FYP, which is a total ***** really, someone kept changing-

(sorry, medication made me fall asleep so I'm continuing this post at 1.12pm 21 May)

-anyway, as I was saying.

Someone kept changing the RPM and the temperature of our incubator. I'm so sick of censoring myself. I mean, I actually stopped using vulgarities. To the extent that I'm actually shocked when people use the F word. But today, my throbbing brain says Fuck you all, I'm gonna use Fuck all I want because it gives me an immature satisfaction of using an ugly word to describe ugly things.

So as I was saying. I was helping Cass out for FYP. I felt sick in the morning and the feeling was just deteriorating. By INAC, I was completely off.

And LC was unhappy. Because I couldn't help much. Amazing isn't it? To think that I scolded LC last year for not contributing to the project. And now I'm stuck as his lab partner and he is the one now frustrated with me.

Good thing I don't keep grudges for long. As annoying as he may be, I'm actually capable of being normal around him. We talk when we see each other. And I even had lunch with him once! For an entireeee hourrr. zomg. amazing.

Here's the list of irritating things.

#1

LC refuses to cooperate. He gets experiment results, calculates and refuses to share his knowledge. Thankfully, I got my own brains despite the fever so I proceeded to do the questions that I know how to, and attempt to trade answers with him for questions I don't know how to do. Realising that I am actually attempting to contribute, he only shares answers with me but ignores our other lab partner.

Either he's racist, or, he thinks she's damn useless. So, Idk. Anyway, we completed the experiment, and my other lab partner clearly having her worksheet empty because she has no idea what's going on since LC is not sharing anything with her, I helped her anyway. I think LC isn't too happy with that but whatever.

#2

I went over to do FYP and my fever went up. Eventhough it was a relatively warm day, I wore my hoodie over my long sleeved top and still felt freezingly cold. I was shivering in the lab but strangely I could feel heat radiating from my face.

I helped Cass with FYP and regrettably slowly too, but seriously I really couldn't take it, if I had my way, I would've cabbed home already.

An hour later, my fever shot up. I felt so cold, I felt like I was in Antartica. Cass was obviously pissed with me, but I was too delirious to care. I did things slowly with extra effort not to spill things. Because my hands were unsteady. Cass was late for Heroes Seminar, so was I, but I decided I really really couldn't take it.

#3

Cass rushed off to the seminar leaving me to clean up. I really badly wanted to just leave an hour ago. By now, I felt like dying. I carried the four bottles down to the other lab to incubate and the students there kept staring at me as if I got leprosy.

FUCK YOU.

FUCK ALL OF YOU WHO CHANGED THE RPM AND TEMPERATURE. FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU STUPID JUNIORS WHO DONT KNOW SHIT.

I taped the broken handle as an improvisation. And burning thighs from squatting was equally painful as the muscle aches I keep having. My thigh would suddenly hurt, a short sharp pain. Then my calves. Or sometimes my back. Or arms. Tsk.

#4

After I cabbed home, mum scolded me for being sick. See. Sick also get scolded. Wahlao. She said I didn't take care of myself. What rubbish. Nvm. She's just concerned. She then took my temperature. It was 42 degrees celsius. I couldn't move at all in bed. I couldn't open my eyes. And all I remembered was seeing Mama freak out. She rushed to get wet towels and sponged me. One on my forehead. The other under my neck. She gave me panadol and let me sleep. By now it's 5 pm.

#6

I woke up at 9pm. Mum fed me porridge. She told me I had to bathe. To bring down the ridiculously high fever. I realised I couldn't walk so I had to lean on Mama. And at 18 years old. Mama had to bathe me like I'm a baby. how humiliating. I had to sit on a chair in the bathroom while I showered. And the water was so fecking cold. Mama helped me change and put me into bed.

#7

My fever wasn't 40 degress plus anymore but it didnt subside. it remained hovering between 38.9 to 39.9 . I was shivering the entire night. It was so so so cold. I remembered how I feel better when I shiver because it made me slightly warmer. But also hated shivering because any movements hurt my head excruciatingly so. Mama stayed up the entire night to sponge me.

#8

I woke up at 11am. I realised I was in bed since 5pm last night. I needed to see a doctor. I went to Sengkang Polyclinic and doctor gave me tonnes of medicine. He said I just got a very bad case of flu. Gave me a course of antibiotics that I must finish. I hate medicine. And medicine means you have to swallow. My sorethroat was so bad I didn't wanna talk. I didn't wanna sneeze or cough or retch because it was so fucking painful. Doctor gave me lozenges and a gargle for my throat.

#9

Mama received a call regarding a certain someone who is going through a divorce and something happened to that someone that makes me very very angry. I hate people. No wonder my ambition when I was a kid was to be a vet. Animals are so much less retarded sometimes.

#10

I texted Cass earlier in the day to remind her to submit the Genomic Report. I was reminded by LC that the dateline was that day. Cass texts late at night telling me she's out and asks me to submit it. I got online and checked and realised the dateline was at 5pm. I submitted it via email to the lecturer anyway. FML.

#11

For the life of me, I don't understand why but my fever shot up again. Doctor says if it's bacteria and not virus infected flu, the fever would shoot up and down. It would go down because of the Panadol then later go up again.

#12

I began developing this excruciating pain in my head. Everytime I get up from lying down, or stand up from sitting, the entire back of my head would burst into sudden sharp pain. I would stop and just stand there with my hands over my head. Mum and Dad would look worriedly at me. Then I continue walking slowly.

#13

After medication, I slept again till morning. Fever went down to 38. Fluctuate between 38 and 39 so I was occasionally feeling good and bad. Thankfully it's not 40 so in general I was feeling better. Sorethroat was not recovering. Headaches kept coming more often and more painful each time. I am on 6 hourly Panadol. 8 hourly amoxylin + lozenges + cough syrup. I refuse to take the runny nose medicine because I have NO RUNNY NOSE. stupid doctor. Make me pay for something I don't need.

#14

Cass once again is pissed at me for not going to school again. She has to do FYP alone again. Which initially, I was already feeling very bad about it. But everytime she texts, she makes me feel guilty. which I don't appreciate. for the life of me I don't understand how you can be angry at someone who didn't ask to be sick.
And I am genuinely sick right now.

I don't know which one is gonna explode now. my artery or my brains. my eyes exploded last week. tsk.

.

2009-05-16T22:07:00.003+08:00

When hate finally subsides..

can love really begin then?

The Possible Hiatus

2009-05-16T00:39:00.003+08:00

I know I haven't been updating. I'm sorry. I've been swamped with assignments after assignments and projects after projects. And FYP! It eats alot of my time and by the time I'm back home, all I want to do is... nothing. Common tests is in 2 weeks. I need to get As. I want to. Please.

"No time! No time!" cries the busy bee.

2009-05-05T22:44:00.003+08:00

I am ridiculously busy that I don't even have time for my FYP! Which is troubling because FYP is number one on my priority list. Unfortunately, the school is stupid to put FYP slots that aren't in sync with my project partner's slot. And our project requires us to work together. Tada! We had very little time for FYP to begin with. In addition, lab closes at 5pm everyday. Grrreaaatt.

I'm snuggled up in bed with hot milk tea, and I'm making an effort to blog despite my hectic schedule. I think blogging is therapeutic. My stress threshold is much higher when I empty my head of excessive musings onto the blog. It's like having a reflection session. Makes me think. And unthink.

Monday
-9am to 11am classes.
-12pm onwards, work @ Prudential.
Tuesday
-8am to 3pm classes.
-3pm onwards, FYP.
Wednesday
-9am to 1pm, work @ Prudential
-2pm to 5pm classes.
Thursday
-10am to 3pm classes.
-3pm to 4pm, FYP
-5.30pm to 7pm, giving tuition.
Friday
-10am to 5pm classes.
Saturday
-11am to 12.30pm, giving tuition.
-1.30pm to 6pm, Hokes quality time.
-8pm to 11pm, Sat night religious classes.
Sunday
-11am to 12.30pm, giving tuition.
-12.30pm onwards stay at home. rest day/ family day.

So, as you can see. I'm really quite pathetic :(
And look! Only 4.5 hrs with Hokes every week! Don't use him as an excuse as to why I'm not available kay?! I'm available in the eveninggsss! I think it's just as well Hokes is in the army. I'm so busy I'd just end up neglecting him. And I know most of you get to see your bf/gf everyday or every other day so shush! Let me whine a little!

:D

I'm not bummed out that I don't see Hokes everyday though. The first 2 weeks was tough, because before that it was the holidays, and I'm so used to meeting him almost everyday. Like 3-5 times per week? And God, 2.5 weeks really feels like forever! But now I get to see him every weekend, so I'm fine :) I've got 2 of his tshirts! So his scent is keeping me company everynight yayyy. Though I'm a little worried about how he's coping in field camp. 6 days in the jungle. Eating food rations. Sleeping on cold hard ground. Aiyo, I think he's gonna lose weight. (Surprisingly he didn't lose weight during the first 2 weeks! yay!) Awww, don't lose weeeeiightt leh hokes. :( Aiyo aiyo the poor dear :(

Tsk, I miss him. Lmao.
Weekends are excitinggggg hehehehehehehehe!

Lmao.

Tomorrow would be my first day on the new job @ Prudential. It's kinda worrying. Because I'm currently the only one working on the project so the pressure is on me, and if I don't get at least 15 people to turn up for the conference then well... I'm screwed. What a thoroughly humiliating possibility.
:(
I'm so nervous lmao. Okay okay, relax kt. You can do itttt :)

I'm going to bed now :) So I can wake up bright an early for work tmr.
Goodnight!

Because I've fallen so far away from the place where I started from.

2009-05-04T23:32:00.003+08:00

I'm listening to Ingrid Michaelson and emo-ing. I know not why, but this feeling seems to always resurface at night when I'm alone. I used to be much too immersed in conversations with Ryan and Jacob and such, those msn regulars. And when slowly they left, I had Hokes to tell me bedtime stories or have deep intense 7 hr conversations about life, religion, philosophy and all random things.

Now,
I feel so alone.

And it's nobody fault, really. I'm an independent girl. I'm just not an emotionally strong person, as Jacob pointed out. And usually, I'm okay being by myself. Just not at night. I really should try to get over this. I am a girl, who is seriously lacking faith.

Faith in everything really.

Religion.
Love.
People.

I'm just a walking cause of disappointment to everyone around me.

I disappointed my parents. Friends. Ryan. Jacob.
And my gut tells me I'm gonna disappoint Hokes. Like everyone else. Eh. Actually I already have disappointed him. Hah.
Disappointing people must be my niche.

I'm a tangled mess of contradictions. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Is that the popular quote? Correct me if I'm wrong.
If that quote is true, then what's the point of me having good intentions all the time?

I don't know why, but everytime Hokes talks about religion to me a wave of anxiety engulfs me. I mean, it's good that he'd like to know more about the religion but, I'm deathly afraid. I don't want people to believe in something just because I do.
I want them to believe in it because that's what they want. That's what they believe in. And has nothing to do with me.

I think, I'm secretly afraid, that Hokes will learn about the religion, understand it, but is unable to believe in it.
I cannot.
I just.
Cannot.
I cannot accept you if you don't share my beliefs.

I'm sorry. I choose religion over love. If one day, should I disappoint you too, let this at least be clear. Oh god, why am I crying? Haha, sheesh ever the emokid me.

Religion is like, principles. Strong strong principles which I use to govern and live my life by. Though time and time again I go against my own principles and shame myself, it is nevertheless a part woven into the fabrics of my existence and will never go away.

In case you haven't already realised, I don't particularly like myself. And I don't like that fact too, it means I have low self-esteem. But I don't. And I try and try to be the best I possibly can, but I keep letting myself and everyone down. Okay, I'll try harder.

I shall start with prayers.
I shall work towards not missing prayers. I shall begin praying again. I hope God can help guide me back. Back to the place where I started from. So I can begin everything anew.

After prayers, I shall rectify my diet. Then, perhaps, one day, I can love myself enough to rectify my sense of dressing.

I want to be a good friend. But I don't really know how. I don't know the right things to do at the right times. But I do know that I want to help yous. Just tell me how.

It's funny, how I'm so old already, yet I'm still trying to find myself. Find who I really want to be. And to think I tell people to just be yourself. I should practice what I preach. Unfortunately, easier said than done.

Recently, I rediscovered why I love my religion.
What a joy! I feel happy. And sad at the same time. And yet that glimmer of hope inside my cold black heart bathes me with such warmth it makes me shudder.
It must be the way Uztaz Zulkeflee puts things into perspective. He has a way about him. He's probably the one who moved countless converts' hearts. Like my Dad. Dad said he learnt from this man before he even converted. And Dad also said that Uztaz Zulkeflee understands the problems of the converts more than the converts could themselves.

I really like him. He's a dear old man. His voice is strained, because he recovered from a massive stroke two years ago. He moves slowly, but he has such a cheerful face. Constantly smiling. And such kind kind eyes. He makes you feel so comfortable about him.

Here are his teachings that I found very enlightening.

The 7 Significant Verses of The Quran

1)Surat At-Tawbah 9:15

Say:"Nothing will happen to us except what Allah has decreed for us; He is our protector" and on Allah let the Believers put their trust.

We must believe that both good and bad things come from God. And trust in God whatever he throws you. So if God has decreed that you won't die yet, then no matter what negative things happen, you still won't die yet. Only God can control such matters.

Good things and bad things are both tests. While bad things are testing for your patience and faith in God, good things tests for your gratitude (syukur)

Conditions of Syukur
1) acknowledge who gives you the favour : God
2) value God's favour to mankind (even the small things)
3) use whatever favour God has given you in a way that pleases him

My personal musings: I think it's wonderful. It teaches you to be appreciative about everything. Uztaz Zulkeflee gave an example that relates to his life. When he was down with stroke and was bedridden, people came to him and pitied him. But he laughed and said, "No! It is you whom I pity! For while God tests me on my patience, God is testing you on your gratitude (syukur)" And surely, being grateful is much harder no? :) So I really should stop wallowing in emo nemoness :)

I'm afraid I'll have to continue the teachings some other time because it's 1 am and I need sleep caz class starts early tmr. Haha, and I've stopped being emo. I think it's a combination of re-reading the teachings of the Uztaz and Ryan talking to me :)

Heehee!

2009-05-03T17:37:00.003+08:00

The BFF is over at my placeeeee.

haha she's stealing my pretty letter writing pads and writing letters randomly to random people and watching awesome songs on youtube by Andy McKee and Antoine Dufour and I'm letting her listen to PaperBag's songs and she's waiting for Sleeping Beauty to be done streaming so we can watch it (YES, we are in Disney Mood) I have OneRepublic on iTunes and we're singing along to it while she's on her phone with her BF, while mine is in the JUNGLEEEEE this very moment, I hope he's okay :/

Spent the last 3 days with Hokes, yay! :) I have a huge reserve of happy juice to last me till next week :) So I think I'll be fine :) :)

OMG Cassandra is being weird.

OMG I am disturbed.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KHALISAH IS WEIRDER.

Cass said that.

Okay. I think I lost my mood to blog.
Heh.
I shall blog about philosophical musings and religion in my next post.
:)
I like Uztaz Zulkeflee. :) He's the guy whom my Dad learnt from before he converted.
I shall blog about him nexttt.

Time for Oreos!

veli kyoot.

2009-05-02T01:11:00.003+08:00

varnt some too mah toose and poo tah toe?

*jiggle jiggle*

wokey wokey. vai not?

Merci beaucoup srsly.

2009-04-30T23:35:00.003+08:00

Don't you hate it when people decide to give you a ring but do it to only give you a missed call and expect you to call them back?

Two days in a row.

Peoples. If you want to call someone, please wait as long as it would bloody take a person to answer your call because if every single being on planet earth was made up of Ryan Taylors, I can assure you that this world would be an extremely ugly place.

You call someone because you need or want to talk to them, no?

SO merci beaucoup srsly, have some balls to wait a little longer instead of hanging up after like what..2 secs of calling? ...THE HELL BABIES.

OR.
JUST.

give that person a break and stop calling.

Btw, one-word text messages are hella annoying as well.

It's like asking someone a question like..

"Hello, what did you buy at the mall today?"

"Okay."

OR

Person A: "Hey, I wanna go out tonight."

Person B: "Ok, so where do you wanna go?"

Person A: "Dunno."

Person B: "How about *insert place*?"

Person A: "Dunnooooooo."

Person B: "So, where the fuck do you want to go then?"

Person A: "DUNNNOO!"

What the shit is this?

Please if you decide to initiate an outing do know where you want to go or at least have a slight idea of where you want to be at. Have the decency to at least type a longer message instead of doing the triple dunno's. If every text msg reply is gonna be a 'dunno' then you might as well stay at home and enjoy being a couch potato.

Stupid is as stupid does.

2009-04-30T23:12:00.004+08:00

*insert Forrest Gump accent*

My mama always said...

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get."

Gawd damn son.

I kill myself to make everything perfect for you. Umm.

2009-04-28T21:35:00.003+08:00

Strangely, I feel so at peace now!

Hahahaha

I've had dinner.
I'm chatting with Jwong.

I don't know why I'm in such a good mood. Well not really good mood. Just feel so... serene.

cookies starbucks movies stolen kisses long talks cuddles bedtime stories tshirts to breathe your scent in deep reminiscence early morning naps nature walks breakfast sets jokes laughter endless staring tickles teasing I don't walk right not like I used to there's a jump in my step as I rush to see you I could be happy here as long as you're near to me as long as you're close to me now that I'm alright as I'm trying I can help you out just to keep things right I'll be what you need goodbye apathy so goodbye apathy

I think.
I shall read a book :)

WTF.

2009-04-28T18:37:00.004+08:00

The more I read Alfred's blog post, the more irritated I get.

Not only is he completely blind to whatever I'm saying, he still thinks he's in the right?

I'm wrong? Is it? I'm wrong?

Okay, I'm horrendously evil. I extract myself from this stupid petty fight.

You want to be angry with me? Go ahead, I'm not gonna bother wasting my energy being angry at something so stupid.

Yes Alfred, you're the only one who failed two modules. Yes Alfred, you're the only one whose parents are being asses. Yes Alfred, you so poor thing, have to be so independent, support yourself and your school fees.

SO POOR THING. POOR YOU AWWWWW.

I mean, ***** probably feels so much better than you, she's supporting herself AND her family while her father was retrenched and struggling to help the family pay the bills.

Oh, **** feels awesome too, when her parents are currently going through a divorce.

And ***** is gonna be alright because his father has a mistress.
Wow, you have no idea how many people I know who have families breaking apart. Really. But it's personal so obviously, I'm not gonna start listing them.

How bout the countless others who lost a loved one? or loved ones?

You want pity is it? Huh Alfred? Is the only thing youre gonna do is resign to your bad luck and horrible life, and not do anything about it? Is your life that horrible that you can't see anything at all that you could possibly be happy about? Possibly appreciate?

Btw, I have never. Pangseh-ed anyone, for Hokes. The only one time I pangseh-ed you, I told you the reason why already. And everytime I go out with Hokes, it's because he booked me, ensuring that I have no prior plans with any one of you first. And if I need to emergency pangseh Hokes for any of you, I would. And he would definitely understand. But just that SHORT ONE WEEK. One week. 7 days. Just because I prioritize him first, does not mean I don't have an hour or 2 to spare for you at all. And after that one week, I am so bloody available?! So I don't see the issue of me ditching friends for boyfriend kinda shit coming up. Because eventhough I did say "I'm gonna spend every waking moment with Hokes." I would never abandon you when youre in a crisis. If you believed i meant that literally, then I shall say with gusto,

You are a fucking idiot! HAHA!

So JUST BECAUSE I GET EXCITED TO MEET HOKES and just because I don't jump around when I've plans with you guys, does not make me a hypocrite.

You know damn well that if you needed me, I'd be there for you. Don't be so wishy washy. Say things CLEARLY.

Need examples?

"Khalisah, I need to talk to you. Yes. Now."

"Khalisah are you free now? I need to talk to you. Can I call you? Or you call me?"

"Khalisah, I feel like shit. Get back to me asap."

If something is not alright DON'T ACT AS IF IT IS. IF YOU ACT AS IF IT IS then I will assume it's too personal to talk about it so I WONT ASK YOU IF YOURE ALRIGHT. I don't like to probe. It makes me feel like a kepo.

I'm not a psychic, and I may not know what's the right thing to do all the time. But I try my best to at least be there for you. If you won't tell me, how would I know?

Lastly, I don't know why I must justify myself. If I wanna pon lesson I pon lah. Why cannot? At least I did my assignment. At least I bothered. At least I have an attitude to want to do well. YOU don't. That's the difference between us. You just give up. Just like that. I have an issue with your attitude. Attitude.

And to think I forgot all about being angry at you for making me wait 2 hours for you. You're being kinda selfish, don't you think?

My advice.
Go read your own blog.
LISTEN TO YOURSELF.

And listen to how retarded you sound.

Wake up.

Really now.

2009-04-28T10:51:00.003+08:00

I am so so ****ing annoyed right now.

And I refuse to talk to Alfred until he gets over himself.

For God's sake, since I refuse to talk to you until you actually grow up, here's a not-so-little message on my humble blog.

GET OVER YOURSELF.

You were late. For school. By an hour. While I highly doubt it's possible that could be an hour late when you left the house early/on time. But let's give you the benefit of the doubt. Let's say you DID left the house EARLY, let's say the traffic was RIDICULOUSLY HORRIBLE, and the bus is UNBEARABLY SLOW, and you were, in all honesty, an hour late.

Isn't it completely idiotic, to reach school, and then decide to return home JUST BECAUSE you're an hour late and the lecturer might actually say something about it and you just don't wanna listen to it. You could have a productive 2 hour lesson out of the 3 hour prac lesson.

But just because Dr F is gonna say what, 2-3 lines at most? You're gonna miss the entire lesson. I'm sorry but I find it completely idiotic to waste your time like that.

STOP LETTING YOUR EMOTIONS RULE YOUR LIFE.

I once did, and look where it got me? I ****ed up my life. At least I actually make an effort to fix it. You don't even bother trying. I hate unambitious people.

I said the things I said to you to WAKE YOU UP. Stop thinking you're the most important person in the world. Stop making mountains out of molehills.

Let me quote your oh so victimized text message.

"Right. lik you are acting lik a 19? you just said e worst thing you can say to your fren.your fren who had e worst holiday yet stayed strong to cheer you up to tolerate with your hokes frenzy.your bloody fren who you think is childish and redundant."

What pisses me of is how you assume I think you're childish and redundant.

Do I think you're behaving childishly now?

Yes.

Do I think you're redundant?

No. I have never thought my friends redundant. Close or distant, all my friends played a role in my life to shape me into who I am today. Putting words into my mouth eh, dear friend?

YOU had the worst holiday? Really now. HAD YOU CONSULTED ME regarding Her I might actually get your head outta the clouds long enough for you to stop taking action on impulse. Now look, at the mess you got yourself into. GET OVER IT. BGR issues are small issues. Yes they strike close to the heart but STOP MAKING IT YOUR ENTIRE WORLD.

Regarding Hokes, I think you're being unfair to me. You know how much time I have left with Hokes. You know why I focus my time with him because you have more opportunities than him to meet me, see me, talk to me.

I say these things not to spitefully hurt you. YES, I'm pissed at you, but this is the brutal honest painful truth. Here I am trying to HELP YOU but how can I help you WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN BOTHER TRYING HELPING YOURSELF.

I see no effort made whatsoever.

You stayed strong to cheer me up and tolerate my hokes frenzy? You know it's just a SMALL THING, what makes you think I would forgo YOUR ISSUES just because I'm suddenly crazy over Hokes? You didn't even bother TRYING to tell me about your issues. You speak as if I rattle on and on about Hokes non-stop.

PUH-LEASE.

YOU HAD MANY OPPORTUNITIES TO SHARE IT WITH ME. IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO, I RESPECT YOUR ****ing DECISION SO DON'T ACT AS IF I WASN'T BEING YOUR FRIEND.

You could have asked me out ANY DAY, you didn't.
The only day I rejected you to go out with Hokes was because we only had a week left with each other. And also because I just lan-ed with you and Hokes the other day to try cheer you up.

You could have called me ANY TIME, you didn't.
Want me to check my call log?

You could have msn-ed me ANY TIME, I'm online almost every other night.
But when you did, you didn't even come close to telling me.

I rattle on and on about Hokes is it? That I don't even give you ANY OPPORTUNITY AT ALL TO OPEN UP TO ME? PLEASE LA, THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT HOKES REGARDLESS OF MY LOVE FOR HIM.

Stop acting victimized. GET your act together. Here I am trying to help you and you think I happily happily kick you deeper into the mud when you're down? WAKE UP, ALFRED. THERE ARE THINGS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR MOODS.

How dare you act self-righteous? As if you're the only one going through one of your lowest points in life.

You did not see me breakdown when Ryan gave me the ultimatum. You did not see me breakdown when my mother told me I was ruining her life, ruining her family as if I'm not part of the family.
You did not see me struggling to sleep.
You did not see me rejecting Lexapro.
You did not see me trying to get myself in the right state of mind.

Don't act as if you're so wonderful a friend that you've been there for me all along.

I understand depression. I've been there. It's addictive. It makes you feel good about your misery. It makes you feel alone, like no one understands you. It makes you come up with excuses and makes you BELIEVE in your own excuses. You've seen me there, done that. I've said depression makes you stupid.

SO don't let something stupid like depression ruin your life too.

Everytime you feel down, and upset or depressed about your life, just remember someone else out there has it worse.

Your problems are NOTHING, compared to some people out there. You CAN get over these problems so stop happily wallow in your misery and start doing something about it.

Sure, I skip school too. Sure, I sleep in lectures. But AT LEAST I have the attitude to WANT to accomplish something. I don't see that in you at all.
It annoys me.

I've yet to slap you for making me wait for 2 ****ing hours yesterday.

Get out of the abyss of self-pity. Help me help you. I'm not gonna bitch about you being irritating to other people and ignore you totally. I'm here if you want help. Just make an effort to reach out to it.

Her & Me

2009-04-22T22:52:00.006+08:00

I'll be leaving on Friday to fulfill my Singaporean duties in the form of shaving my head (amongst other things that are done in the army). Sadly, this means I have to leave Her which only makes our situation worse (not that we're in a fight or anything like that) but I'm pretty confident about us. Our current situation probably makes us more prepared for what is to come than other couples. This is all too depressing when I'm talking about Her who makes me so happy. I shall digress from me leaving. I'll talk about Her instead.

She is as pretty as the hue of a sun rise.
She is as charming as a poet.
She is as wise as a religious leader.
She is as cute as a puppy.
She is as beautiful as the stars.
She is as precious as a child's macaroni necklace.
She is as hot as a freshly baked pie. Mmmmmmm.
She is as passionate as a rose.
She is everything that's important to me.
She is my babe.

I've realised that we work so well because we don't plan our lives to revolve around each other's. We acknowledge that we are big parts in each other's lives, but we don't make each other our whole life. It's very much like holding hands. Each is their own person, linking at the hands symbolising the sharing of their individual lives. It's about coexisting and not obsessing. Look past the superficial of a relationship. It's not about being loved or being in love, but loving her the best that I can because I realise that it's not about how I feel. And I believe that she realises it too. And it's simply put, beautiful. Everyday is an opportunity to show that I love her to the best of my ability. Valentine's day or anniversaries or any other special dates are never the exclamation of expressing my love. This is a quote from a letter that I sent to Her years ago: "It’s the best I can do for now, but I promise you that all you’re going to get is the best of me." And it still holds true till today. This, is us. And I'm in love with it.

-not barney

2 hours in town

2009-04-18T00:39:00.001+08:00

BFF came over for awhileeeee. Looked at my baby photo albums haha, embarrassing much? Went to town to shop for a top for BFF's boyfriend. And I belatedly realised that I have no idea what kinda top would Hokes look good in or even like. We drank Starbucks YUMMEHNESS and BFF went off to tutor this kid while I bummed around at home.

I don't know why I had so much to blog about the time I spent there in my head just now. Now, I'm like. Stoned. Manning the CCA booth now, alone. Rawr. Boringness.

I'm hungry.

Dammit.

I'm hungry.

Blehhh.

And so I went to Tekong.

2009-04-15T18:44:00.003+08:00

I know it's a Wednesday but I really have no mood to blog.

Until now! haha!

So, anyway, on Monday, I woke up reeeeaaall early to go all the way down to Hokes' place. I had breakfast with him and his parents, of which they paid for my meal (how nice! I must remember to pay hokes back) They then drove me down to the SAF jetty thingy where we're to take a ferry to Tekong!

And his parents are sooo awesome, they gave me a coupon to join them!

SO, I went onboard the ferry, we saw Hokes' waterpolo friend WHO ALSO LOOKS HILARIOUS BALD hahahahaha seriously xD

We arrived on Pulau Tekong and we gotta split up so Hokes and the other boys had to settle administrative issues (like uniform sizes and bunk rooms and all that jazz) while me and Hokes' parents were given a tour around Tekong.

I was kinda afraid to be left alone with his parents, caz I've never been alone with them before, but my worries were unfounded caz they were awfully nice and I feel surprisingly comfortable with them. We boarded the bus, and this army dude starting talking and he kept assuring us that our sons will be fine and the facilities are awesome and they will be comfortable and even more safe here under the awesome supervision of the army dudes ah whatever. I know you're gonna give poor Hokes hell. hahahaha IT'S OKAY. HE WILL LEARN HOW TO BE A MAN. suuuuure hahaha stupid.

We saw the bunks and the canteen and the training grounds and it really looks like a school. It looks like Crescent HAHA the colours are like beigey like in crescent. Now I have the impression that army is like a more horrible version of OBS with shitty instructors and you wake up at 4.30 am every day.

The food there is supposedly better today since the family is here, but it's still below average tasting. I can't imagine the food when we're not there. I bet it taste shitty hehehe TOO BAD. Hokes, you have to learn to stop being picky. Please don't lose weight. Sigh, I like you just the way you are now.

We went to the auditorium and sat in comfy seats and air-condition. Listened to the most boring speech in the world about how awesome army is and what they're gonna do and their purpose and whatnots I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER IT NOW maybe that's their real intention hahaha.

Then they had to take the oath.

Which is FREAKING FUNNY I LAUGHED OUT LOUD.

dude in-charge: Repeat after me. 'I'.

boys: I.

dude in-charge: 'NRIC number'

boys: (verbal vomit. everyone says their IC number at the same time hahahahaha)

dude in-charge: 'name'.

boys: (more verbal vomit hahahahahahaha)

dude in-charge: 'will swear to protect bla bla bla'

boys: will swear to protect blabblabla

Hahahahahaha

So we had a final lunch with the boys before they had to line up and march to their bunks and I gave Hokes a final goodbye kiss and hug sighhh.

Hokes: Mee, Pa, take care of yourselves k? (turns to me) You take care of yourself too k?

Mamee and Pa: Mmm.(nods)

Hokes: Mee, take care of her for me k?

Mamee: NO. I THROW HER AWAY.

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Pa:

Hokes:

Mamee: Of course I take care of her lah! Aiyo. Then what? I throw her away ah?

Me: HAHAHAAHHAHAA

Pa:

Hokes:

Mamee: You ah.

Hokes: Okok you take care of youself too k? Bye bye!

Lmao seriously, I can make a comedy out of the conversations I hear.

His parents are seriously adorable, I feel like they're my own parents really. Pa was always all today very hot, must drink more water and so I'd drink water from the bottle. And Mee (Hokes calls his parents Pa and Mee. Mee as in from Mummy. you know. ah whatevs hahaha) would call me young lady at first, telling me to be careful and watch my step when we're boarding/alighting the ferry or bus or when we're walking down the stairs. Then she took to calling me dear and asked me if there's any food I wanna get, joking with me about army dudes hahaha she once thought that this army dude fully uniformed with green and black face paint and all was a statue! and she almost poked his face AHAHAHAAH and then she started laughing to herself when she realised it was a real man lmao didn't I say they were adorable?

While Mee was away talking to the whoever it is in charge of Hokes' company, I sat down in the canteen with Pa and we constantly had funny conversations. (I found them funny and cute actually) Pa would ask me about my school and course and universities and what Hokes applied to, and it would lead to me asking him about Hokes' brothers. We talked about PK and SL (the brothers) and what course PK was in and how I'm in the same year as his cousin and seeing as we're all from NP too.

Then during the talk about army equipment and uniform, Pa asked me if I've ever been on the Tekong tour and asked me if I had a brother and I said yeah but he's younger and Pa would tell me how my bro would go through this too and how good it is for him but we ended up talking about SL(the first brother) in army previously and how PK is going into army soon (the second brother) I don't think I've ever heard his Dad talked so much before, he's always a quiet looking man hahahaha.
Maybe I ask too many questions? Or he likes talking about his sons. HE'S ADORABLE DID I MENTION THAT? hahahaha omg i'm so weird.

After hokes left, in the ferry on the way back to Sg, Mee offered me some sour preserved peaches and they're yummy. All of us were so tired, walking around Tekong and IT WAS SO HOT. Blardy.

We walked back to the car, me chatting with Mee abit about fishing and then they drove me to Habourfront MRT station.

I was sleepy in the car so I stoned alot looking out the window, generally missing Hokes to bits.

Then, I overheard this really funny conversation between his parents. It's in English mixed with dialect and Mandarin. But they were mostly speaking in dialect or smth. Or maybe it's justt Mandarin but my ear got problem hahaha.

Mee: (was talking about PK for awhile. PK couldnt make it today. was relief teaching) You know, PK almost make one of his students cry you know?

Pa: Hmm.

Mee: Tsk that PK ah. At least he can control his students. Got discipline. Sumore he very big-sized.

Pa:

Mee: Wah... Song Loo cannot man. He sure cannot one.

Pa:

Mee: But PK can la. If Hoe Khoon... Aiya Hoe Khoon ah. Cannot make it lah. Hoe Khoon will go and play with the kids already.

HAHAHAHAHAHA
OMG I found that so hilarious I was grinning in the backseat hahahaha.

So they dropped me off outside Vivo and I thanked them and promised to drop by their shop soon to pass them something (HEHE DONT TELL YOU WHAT) And I slept in the train all the way home.

I miss you chubby bunny! I've been spamming him with smses all day so he can read them all at night, I know he'll be too tired to call and talk to me or it would be lights out and he cant call caz if the sarge walking around. So sms spam is nice :)
I'm an awesome girlfriend hahaha riiiight. On the ferry, before he left for army, I gave him my whistle necklace thingy. It's a small wooden less-than-an-inch-long rectangular whistle with black and silver design and my name on it. I had it made last year. It has a thick and long black string around and Hokes wanted it, so I gave it to him to keep him company in army :)

I also gave him my ugly alumni card with my face on it, caz he wanted a picture of me and I forgot to print one. We didnt think of it earlier :( Hokes gave me his blue ezlink card with his retarded sec 1 face on it HAHAHAHA the exact same hairstyle he has now. awwwwww :)

Mee thinks his botak hairstyle now is adorable, so geram you know, he looks like when he was younger last time hahahaha.

Before he left, Hokes also gave me the t-shirt he wore the night before. It has his scent on it :) And I keep breathing in the scent sighh, he smells good :) But the scent is fadingggg :(

I miss you.

-17788
I'm not used to this.

The Hiatus

2009-04-09T01:02:00.004+08:00

I know I haven't been blogging. I'm sorry, I've been real busy with FYP and Hokes is going into army ON MONDAY SO I WILL SPEND EVERY WAKING MOMENT WITH HIM, and yes I will ditch all of you for more time with Honeystar.

I've got tonnes of things to blog about so..

too bad I guess.

-17629
HAHAHAHAHA WATCH THIS.

People That Deserve Elbows To The Face

2009-04-03T02:31:00.007+08:00

1. People that walk in groups and stretch themselves out to block the entire walk way.

2. People that stop suddenly before getting on the escalator because they just had a thought that maybe they want to stay on the same floor.

3. Parents that can't control their kids.

4. People that sit on the outer seat of the bus even though the inner seat is empty.

5. People that sit on the outer seat of the bus and expect you to squeeze past them to get to the empty inner seat.

6. People that sit on the outer seat of the bus and don't get up to let you out. Maybe these people just like their face to be in the stranger's ass.

7. People that place their bags on the empty seat next to them and pretend to not see you standing there.

8. People that sit behind you and keep pushing on your seat.

9. People that stand at the doors of the bus/train instead of moving in.

10. People that stand at the doors of the train, making you salmon your way through to get off the train.

11. People that sit next to you with their legs opened because they have no concept of personal space.

12. People that are forever talking on their cell phones. Is the person you're talking to really that interesting? Is what you say really that important that it cannot wait?

13. People that talk obnoxiously loud on the phone.

14. People that are oblivious to their surroundings. Especially while driving.

15. People that stop suddenly for no apparent reason and stays there instead of moving to the side to get out of other's way.

16. Couples that can't wait to get home to make out.

17. Girls that try hard to be cute to get what they want.

18. Girls that whine about everything.

19. Guys that try too hard to be "cool".

20. Guys that try too hard to impress others.

21. People that are impatient. Especially with old people.

22. People that are butt ugly but think they're the hottness need elbows to the face to actually make them look better.

23. People who behave as if they are God's gift to the world.

24. People that give themselves English names because apparently the names their parents gave them aren't good enough.

25. People that give themselves English names but don't actually think of a proper name and choose one based on how cool it sounds. For example, I met a girl who called herself Haze. She named herself to be a freaking fog.

26. People that give themselves English names, but say it's their Christian name. It's not a Christian name because you're not a freaking Christian.

27. Cam whores that have only one pose in all their pictures. I promise, I have seen a slide show of this girl (cam whores are usually girls. sorry but it's true) where she looks exactly the same but in different locations.

28. People that insist on taking the elevator even though it's just one floor.

29. People who pretend that they can actually speak English with good diction. Usually those that fake an accent but can't pull it off. You still sound very Chinese.

30. People that behave like idiots because they think it's funny.

- not tod

it's not personal. not anymore.

2009-04-02T21:49:00.002+08:00

Okay, I've decided to move my personal issues away from this blog :) This blog shall be a happier one :)

-17425
I may create another blog if I can be bothered. ask me.

Dean Geyer.

2009-03-26T23:02:00.001+08:00

If there's a chance to make it
Either way I'll take it to be by her side
To swim in her affection, bathe in her attention
Could she be mine?

Can I look through into her eyes, into her disguise?
Does she see me, how can I make her realise
She takes me to higher ground,
And I'll never come back down
If I had a moment I'd show her all that we could have

But we're still strangers, but we're still strangers

Do you know I'm waiting?
Right here for the taking
I'll play my part
Don't leave me out here stranded with a love abandoned
This could be a start

Can I look through into your eyes, into your disguise?
Do you see me, how can I make you realise
You take me to higher,
She takes me to higher ground,
And I'll never come back down
If I had a moment I'd show her all that we could have

But we're still strangers, I'm falling for you
If I had my way
You'd be in my arms.

Don't be a fool, girl.

2009-03-15T15:26:00.004+08:00

Die Alone - Ingrid Michaelson

I woke up this morning with a funny taste in my head.
Spackled some butter over my whole grain bread.
Something tastes different, maybe it's my tongue.
Something tastes different, suddenly I'm not so young.

I'm just a stranger, even to myself.
A re-arranger of the proverbial bookshelf.
Don't be a fool girl, tell him you love him.
Don't be a fool girl, you're not above him.

I never thought I could love anyone but myself.
Now I know I can't love anyone but you.
You make me think that maybe I won't die alone.
Maybe I won't die alone.

Kiss the boys as they walk by, call me their baby.
But little do they know, I'm just a maybe.
Maybe my baby will be the one to leave me sore.
Maybe my baby will settle the score.

I never thought I could love anyone but myself.
Now I know I can't love anyone but you.
You make me think that maybe I won't die alone.
Maybe I won't die alone.

What have I become?
Something soft and really quite dumb.
Because I've fallen, oh, 'cuz I've fall-fallen, oh 'cuz I've fall-fall-fallen
So far away from the place where I started from.

I never thought I could love anyone.
I never thought I could love anyone.
I never thought I could love anyone,
But you, but you, but you, but you, but you
But you make me think that maybe I won't die alone.
Maybe I won't die alone.

-16949
I freaking love Michaelson.

The Maine.

2009-03-09T21:21:00.001+08:00

There was a new girl in town
She had it all figured out
Well I'll state something rash
She had the most amazing... smile.

I bet you didn't expect that
She made me change my ways
With eyes like a sunset, baby
And legs that went on for days

I'm falling in love
But it's falling apart
I need to find my way back to the start
When we were in love
Things were better than they are
Let me back into...
Into your arms.
Into your arms.

She made her way to the bar
I tried to talk to her
But she seemed so far
Out of my league
I had to find a way to get her next to me

I'm falling in love
But it's falling apart
I need to find my way back to the start
When we were in love
Things were better than they are
Let me back into...
Into your arms.
Into your arms.

Oh she's slipping away
I always reach when I'm thinking of words to say
Oh the things she does
Make it seem like love
Just a game
And I like the way we play

I'm falling in love
But it's falling apart.
I need to find my way back to the start

When we were in love
Things were better than they are
Let me back into...
Into your arms
Into your arms.

Into your arms.

Halifax & The Summer Set

2009-03-09T20:49:00.002+08:00

Thumbs up!

Quote

2009-03-04T12:18:00.002+08:00

"Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary is what that gets you." - Jeremy Clarkson

-not whinne

lets shop for a router now. shall we?

2009-03-03T13:51:00.007+08:00

Holidays are over.

Finally.

After an amazingly loooooooooong break.

Let the classes beginnn bitches.

And malaysian internetzzzz is killing me.

Internet isn't working at home and I'm deprived.

Totally deprived.

The wireless router shiz thing is busted.

I'm currently at a cyber cafe and they're playing weird music.

Its some scary malay song.

And I see a bajillion gazillion people playing WOOOOOWWWW and some other unfamiliar looking game. Prolly left4dead.

Don't these people need to work? or be somewhere? :\

And oh wow, they're finally playing 'english' music.

Aaaand I just heard a fuck from this random sitting next to me.

Anyway he just stared at me cos I stared at him.

So, before he kills me...

I'm getting out of this place.

Laturs.

She

2009-02-28T00:18:00.004+08:00

Dear witnesses,

There is always that one person that is a shining beacon of significance in your life. Someone that probably is the greatest human being you'll personally know. Someone that will never want to escape from your heart. That someone might be a friend, a family member, a girl or boyfriend, or any form of a loved one. Someone might even be a group of people. But my someone is an individual, and this is my introduction to She.

She is simply put amazing. Her strength is found in vulnerability when it is most crucial. She sums up every ounce of energy and pulls through every single time. But even though she can handle things by herself, she still requires comfort and support. And it's beautiful because she's human and not superhuman. In moments of weakness, beauty flowers. People tend to forget that and are ashamed when vulnerable. But all shame and insecurities are gone when confiding in She because her strength is an aura that lends itself willingly to those in need of it.

Her heart, that beats for the people she loves, is bigger than a saint's. It has a warmth that's infectious. It gets under your skin, and you just melt every time. Feels good. Like being wrapped in a warm blanket. Maybe even with a cup of hot chocolate. And you feel safe, and warm, and you never want to leave. I never want to leave.

She is like a rainbow. Rarely do you see one, but when you do, you stop and stare. And you feel like you experienced a great moment of beauty in life. She may not know this, but she is a major inspiration to me. It is evident in my poems, in my music, and greatly in my life. She inspires me to be a better human. And I feel like I have to keep up with her, and I want to keep up with her. She's motivates me to better myself because it's so easy to be complacent. Just the slightest of nudges every time, and she probably doesn't even know it. She's one of the unsung heroes, and I am now giving her an acknowledgement that her influence is greatly appreciated. There is much more to her than what I've listed, but that would take a life time explaining. And I think that those two points are her greatest virtues.

Witnesses, most of you would probably know what I'm talking about. Most of you probably have experienced what I feel. So express your appreciation more than just on special days like birthdays, or Valentine's or Christmas. Everyday is an opportunity to thank them and let them know that they are just as loved.

To She: I cannot thank you enough for what you have done for me. But you know that you mean the world to me, and hopefully that's enough. For all I can offer is my world.

I love you.

-not nick

Is that alright with you? No.

2009-02-23T22:47:00.001+08:00

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse

Is that alright with you?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright with you?
If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright with you?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright with you?
With you...

Would you still love me if I were young and had acne? When I'm afraid of what's under the bed? Or if I end up wetting the bed?

2009-02-23T21:15:00.003+08:00

" We're meant to lose the people we love.

How else are we supposed to know how important they are to us?"

-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

We can so skip that part.

2009-02-22T15:40:00.004+08:00

I know I know.

I'm supposed to be on hiatus BUT WHATEVER.

I think I just screwed up my life even more with the BCHEM paper. Ah shucks. Ah. Shucks. Please kill me.

Anyway a bazillion things has happened, alot of which I don't wanna talk about less I go crazy again but yes.
I've been weird AGAIN, but hey, I'm improving. I think I must have been frustrating a whole bunch of people with my low self-esteem so okok, I'll.. well. Dammit, I'm so sorry but I set damn high standards for myself and I'm not fulfilling them so..

:(

A teensy bit of juicy gossip.
I've been seeing a certain someone.
And that certain someone knows the existence of this blog.
And I kinda feel weird. Lmao. Shuddup. We'll see.

Studying is not working out for me, I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT L4D I'm sorry, this is how random my train of thought is. But shuddup, I never got to touch the damned game till recently and dammit I suck hahahaha frikken noob BUT I so wanna play it until I'm not as noob as I so am now xD

Joshua Wong has left for Aus and I HATE HIM SO, hahaha but I got him, in my opinion, the most apt and awesome birthday/ farewell-see-you-in-a-coupla-years gift. I'm sure he loves it too :D

Recently, I attempted to study at Lido, saw Sam Power, had an awkward conversation, bid farewell, had Starbucks' Frapp just to realise a white guy was staring at me. He walked past several times, and as we made eye contact, he'd give a small smile. So I returned the smile, a small and almost unnoticeable one and carried on with my own nonsense, memorizing the structures of 20 amino acids.

Then, Weird White Guy (WWG) spoke to me. He was standing a little behind me with his arms crossed.

"I realized a lot of Singaporeans like to study in cafes. Why's that?"

"Umm, I don't know. I like Starbucks. Starbucks makes me happy."

"But wouldn't it be better to study at home?"

"I can't study at home, it's more distracting."

"Isn't studying here more distracting? The noise and all?" he gestures to the screen playing movie trailers softly behind me.

"Umm, well, home's my comfort zone, so I can't be in my comfort zone. My bed is really distracting, I'd fall asleep and eat and walk around doing nothing."

"Your what?"

"My bed."

"Oh your bed."

(Is my bloody accent that hard to understand?)

Then, realising that the conversation isn't gonna end anytime soon, and that it's kinda weird talking to him while I'm sitting down and looking up to him looming over me, I gave him a fork in the road.

"Would you like to have a seat?"

"Oh sure."

And WWG sat down across me.
You know, he really should've said something like awww nah, I was just passing by. I'll not bother you now, good luck with your studies! But no. So he started chatting with me in the weirdest white guy accent. It was definitely not American nor British nor Australian nor Irish. Because I can recognise those accents somewhat.

So okay. He started telling me how he can't do Chemistry, how he stole a test paper and sold it for fifty bucks, how he took drugs, meth in fact, to stay up all night several days consecutively to study.

And all I could come up with as a response was,"Well, Starbucks kinda keeps me awake."

We talked about how weird Singapore's education system is, and he wanted me to show him what I'm studying so I took out my 20 amino acid structures and gave it to him. He stares at it.

While chatting with him, I was texting Hokes and my last text msg to Hokes was "There's a weird white guy talking to me now. Ah." Or something along those lines. And I was feeling quite awkward. Am I supposed to continue studying? Caz that would be kinda rude. And chatting with him would just prove his point about studying at cafes are more distracting because of white guys like him.
Lmao. He said that I swear, and he gave me a very amused smile.

I grinned and shrugged.

Dammit lah.
Hahahahaha.

AND THEN MY HERO CAME, yayyy, Hokes the idiot, surprised me. I thought he was still at home but no! He secretly came down without telling to surprise me, which he kinda failed caz I saw him and he wasn't able to come up behind me and shock me to death or something.

So I went all," EH HIIIII! What are you doing here?!"

And Hokes noticed me and grinned and sat beside me.

WWG suddenly had a change in attitude, he completely ignored me, chatted to Hokes about ipods, and then left without saying goodbye to me.
Asshole.

I hope you can only find Creative stores around you rude bugger! I hope you never find the Apple store! NEVAH!

Lmao, but I was very glad to see Hokes. And that sweet little thing started helping memorise BCHEM and even wrote for me lists of things I should remember, WHEN I SHOULD BE THE ONE WRITING THOSE DOWN lmao, awwww.

(I wonder if you've guessed it yet)

He's been doing this alot, that scheming boy, lying to me that he's still at home, then turn up unannounced at macs yesterday where I was having lunch with the usual gang. We then went to a LAN shop and played L4D and finished the entire thing, it was fun, hilarious, and dammit, best fwen was better than me!

Then Best Fwen's BF came along, and all four of us were playing and omg sho fun.
We had dinner, and ah, it felt like a, ah. Should I just say it?
Ah.
So many things has happened.
Man.
This blog is so outdated.

ok...

it's been like this.

met hokes at cny.
crashed ac orientation.
hokes asked me out on vday, that bodoh.
i rejected M who also asked me out on vday, and i think M is an idiot(I find some people very immature even though they're so old).
i spend some time with hokes.
i went out with bff to play with horses AND THEY ARE SHO BEAUTIFULL
i smelt like hay.
i changed and went on a double date with bff and her bf and me with hokes.
watched slumdog millionaire.
damn sick parts, ouchies my eyes.
but good movie.
i agree with bff that double dates are gay.
but hey, try new things lorz.
i met up with jwong to pass him his present.
jwong gave hokes immunity to my sluttiness.
damn you.
and recently, after L4D-ing with best fwen and her bf and hokes,
we went to dinner and it felt like a second double date.
lmao-ness.

I'm so glad I don't update my blog too often. Having a small circle of readers is so my cup of tea. So yesza! Now you know. And well, I don't know what to do about it, or how's this gonna turn out, but I'm doing my best, I'm being better,I have my weirdity and even though I threw him a whole lot of shit about me, I don't know what's wrong with him, What's wrong with you, Hokes?! Are you blind?! Maybe he's only seen me being my weird self that he can't tell when I'm normal and when I'm not lmao lmao lmao ness.

I miss ryan like crazy I haven't been talking to him much and Jacob too.
But ah.
Sigh.

Okok, now that all's updated, I'm gonna study. Again.

-16421
never lose your childish innocence
-Under The Tuscan Sun

.

2009-02-12T21:57:00.003+08:00

But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew.

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face.

:)

espana?

2009-02-12T17:56:00.004+08:00

Madrid Castle.

Torres De Colon.

Holy Grail in Valencia.

Main Square of Valencia.

Barcelona.

My dark circles are amazing.

2009-02-11T09:50:00.003+08:00

I love coffee.
It keeps me up when I need to be up.
And.
I'm still praying.
I desperately hope you're okay.
Please be.
Please.
I look like a panda.
I want to look like a panda forever if it means you'll be okay.
I'd fail any common test, if it means you're okay.
I don't like how insignificant you seem in my life because you're just the calefare.
I don't like how significant you seem now because something drastic happened.
I'm sorry.
I saw WS.
WS says he heard from R that your condition is improving and not deteriorating.
I'm relieved.
Be okay.
Please.
Your friends are worried for you.
I see a girl crying.
Everyone's waiting for you.
You matter alot to them.
So be okay.
Please.

-16048
I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
I remember all the feelings
And the day they stopped

I hope you're ok.

2009-02-10T23:11:00.002+08:00

I'll be praying for you.

-16035
Please be ok.

My new favourite video

2009-02-08T16:36:00.004+08:00

Stole this off Liza's blog haha,
IS THIS HILARIOUS OR WHAT?

-15970
Rawr. Someone make me study please.

I hope you're happy now.

2009-02-08T14:23:00.005+08:00

The school sent to letters to inform my parents of my debarment.

Ah.

They flipped.

Sigh.

Dad cut off all my electricity. I have to bathe in cold water AGAIN. For a night, I slept without a fan nor aircon nor air ventilation. IT WAS HOT AS HELL ugh. Everything I've worked for has been undone. Parents filled with disappointment.

Dad says he's not gonna pay for my school fees again.

Sigh.

Is this what you want? Huh? All because I didn't suck up to you? Everyone tells me not to worry because you have a reputation of favouring girls over boys. They tell me you're a perverted old bastard, the boys resent your favouritism. But they tell me not to worry, caz I'm a girl! But I'm not like other girls, who ask you alot of questions, who try to get on your good side. I don't bother. I treat everyone the same. You don't like that do you? Is it because I don't reciprocate?

They tell me that usually the system would try as hard as possible not to debar me. They tell me that all I need to do is send an appeal and they'll let me continue. It's not a big deal anyway. And I have medical reason.

But no! you tell me you can't accept it because I went to the doctor after the debarment. Not before! If I went before, you would have accepted it. I told you I didn't know. I told you I didn't realise it was serious. I told you that depressive disorder is a prolonged disorder. The symptoms don't last a day or two, it takes several months to manifest. I told you that that is proof for all the absence before the debarment.

But you still said the same damn thing. You can't accept medical proof after the debarment was made. What a load of crock. What a load of bullshit.
See?
I told you I had issues at home, but no, because of your stupid resentment against me, you tore my life apart.

Dad stopped talking to me AGAIN. We were good. We were improving. We were talking and joking and LAUGHING again.

AND YOU HAD TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME?
THE ONE THING THAT I YEARN FOR, MY PARENTS' APPROVAL, THEIR AFFECTION.

I love joking and laughing and teasing them.
I love that things, though unresolved, are stabilizing.

BUT YOU JUST HAD TO DESTROY THAT.

You selfish son of a dog.
I hate you.

I hope you die, lonely and unloved in an old folks' home. I hope everyone forgets you. I hope you are miserable, and yearn love but will never ever in your pathetic life ever receive any love or display of affection what so ever.

I hate you.
I hate you for taking this away from me.
I hate you for being selfish.
I hate you for being unreasonable and biased.
I hate you for destroying my future.
I hate you for doing all of these to me.

Fortunately, I expected it. I worried like crazy. It was eating me inside out. Then I faced the music. I was miserable so miserable. But I got over it. I deserved it I guess, I saw it coming. I'm doing the best I can now.
Thanks to Cass and Hokes for being there for me. I think I'm lucky to have met Hokes through Cass. He's super nice really, trying to cheer me up with Cookie Monster on webcam, dancing at AC Campfire eventhough I totally forgot the dance I learnt = dancing FAIL. Haha. And for telling me the most kickass awesome bedtime story everrr I swear it was so entertaining, at 1 am when I was having trouble sleeping in the heat and lack of air ventilation and me being afraid to open the windows and doors because I'm scared of the dark but I braved myself and did it anyway.

Lmao, Cass, Jefri, Ryan, Hokes and I were in the story involving Royalty and kingdoms, and Jellyfishes armed with Corals with deadly Neurotoxins BAHAHAHAHAHA
Does this sound familiar? Hahahaha BIF project can go and dieee really.

But thanks, everyone, I'm happy now. I'm at ease. I'm no longer taking the pills and I'm not as stressed out. I'm relaxed! And I'm trying to work as hard as I can. I am taking time off to unwind with my friends, and I am ok :)

I am NO LONGER depressed, my symptoms went away.
So I'm okay :)

And I shall be happy :)
At least Mum's still talking to me, so yes, I shall be happy :)
I shall strive to improve things at home and outside.
And
I shall
be happy :)

Thank you :)

-15963
This is us - our lives are weaved into each other. Just like our interlocking fingers.
-Jacob Chew
:) See? I used your quote, Cobby!

Resolution Fail.

2009-02-06T14:12:00.005+08:00

I'm glad to say I'm sort of improving. I don't feel sleepy anymore just, lethargic. I can't ever get rid of the lethargy, it frustrates me to no end.
My appeal against debarment failed, much to the surprise of alot of people, who also gave me false hope, but I don't blame you, I think the lecturer is really just a bias ass#@%! I think his reason for my debarment is wholly unacceptable. I don't bear grudges but I wanna learn to keep this one.

>:\

I listened to Ryan and stopped taking the pills. And I tried psycho-ing myself into the proper state of mind (happiness is a state of mind!) I think I'm less weird, and more normal-ish, but I think I still have my hiccups of weirdity.

Recently, crashed orientation in one of the JCs lol. Something happened then that made me very uncomfortable, about myself even more so. I'll not elaborate.

My BIF project is irritating me, not only were the instructions to the project so vague, it might as well be nonexistent, but I've been hearing alot of unreasonable behavior of our lecturer from the other classes. If I receive any of that shit, the lecturer is gonna be sorry.

Not that I don't have respect for lecturers, but when you're being unreasonable and stupid, well, I don't think you deserve my respect afterall. So I will question you, in a way that would not cross the line, but in a way that would fully reflect your stupidity across the lecture, and your credibility would be questioned, thus, it would be a cascade of gargantuan shame for you, echoing across the student body.

And it would serve you right.

While I resent that my life has been turned upside down, just because of this debarment, I am determined to escape the state of anxiety. I will go zen! Like a monk, and not let worldly matters affect my inner mind.
Whatever that means.

My attachment is screwed up, I've to change classes AND semesters, I can't do Redcamp and OpenHouse next year anymore, I have to repeat the stupidest module in the world just because of something stupid, and everything is turning ugly.

I feel like I'm losing my friends. My mother, oblivious to everything has ridiculously high expectations of me, my father slogging away to pay for my ridiculously expensive school fees as well as transport fees (I RESENT THAT I HAVE TO PAY ADULT FAIR WHEN I AM A STUDENT) Idiocy is prevalent around me, and sometimes I feel like the biggest idiot, and I just can't control myself nor my life anymore as it swerves uncontrollably into the abyss of doom.

I wonder what it's like to be me. I've been someone else for so long, I don't remember what it's like to be myself anymore. While I am vain enough to care what people that matters think of me, I also am proud enough to care what I think of myself, and I don't think very highly of myself (equals low self-esteem) and that bothers me too, and therefore, it is a never ending vicious cycle.

Also, besides freaky things happening to me like the aircon being turned on FOR NO APPARENT REASON, I have been hearing freaky shrilling sounds that are consistent with the movement of my arms. And only my arms. I thought it was the bed squeaking so I bounced on it to see if it was synchronized but no! It responds to my arm moving up and down, and I thoroughly freaked out. I feel scared at night caz I feel my blankets moving so I pray and pray and I brave myself to open my eyes and it stopped. So I stopped taking the pills and everything is.. normal now. Nothing has happened so far and I'd like to keep it that way. I don't know what to do with myself really. Either my brain is going crazy, or the ghost in my room is umm. Yeah. There. Although Liza's theory of wonky electronics is plausible, but considering that sometimes the aircon doesnt read my remote when I am pressing on it several times? ah.

What I am going to do, however, is study for the two modules I have left. I am not going to bother going for lectures or practicals for my debarred module, why should I? I'm going to see his stupidassed face again anyway. I'm gonna focus and score A's and this will be my last post, as I take a hiatus to study and get my life back on track.

I must also remember to meet up with JWong before 19th Feb! HE'S LEAVING ME FOR DOWN UNDER HATE HIMMM HATE HIMM :( So yes, despite exams, I shall take a day off to torment him :) Or rather give him one last chance to torment me. After exams I shall remember to read all my unread books, to watch all the movies I missed out, to hang out with friends and go indulge in Starbucks and BE HAPPY, before the horror starts all over again, I shall play games be addicted to L4D and Halo, and omg bug Hokes to L4D with him, or alone, I just need the freaking gameeee tee hee. Wow, I'm already planning how to enjoy, but for now, I shall kill my eyes with protein sequences for BIF, and study and study and mug like I'm a natural born mugger.

I will be alright.

If everything isn't alright, I damn well will make it alright.

Wish me luck!

-15896
I know my posts are long and boring, but I'm too emo to care.

P/S:
Special thanks to Timo for your kind offer in financial help :)
Special thanks to clique for not holding it against me (I hope) and being there for me while I'm a dysfunctional self-destructive emo.
Prayers for Alfred's sis who's in labour :)
Much love to Jacob and Ryan, one emo and the other having a blast in OZland -.-

Quote

2009-02-04T00:21:00.001+08:00

"You look like a gay cowboy, and you look like a gay terrorist." - James May

-not ben

Creepy.

2009-02-01T20:45:00.006+08:00

I had the pillow over my eyes to block the glare of the ceiling light. The fan was blowing straight at me, my bolster on top of me and my laptop left beside me on the bed, not yet switched off.

My dad came in and saw me. He called out my name. I remain unresponsive.
He lift the pillow from my eyes and the glare made me squint.

"Khalisah, go turn off your laptop and sleep. Turn off the lights. Don't leave your laptop on like that, later catch fire then burn. Okay? Go sleep."

I flopped around in bed some more until I decided to get up. Dad had left the room. Groggily, I got out of bed and went to my parent's bedroom. I saw Dad sitting at the edge of the bed watching television. Mum was reading the Quran on the floor.

I talked to Dad abit. Then, I went back to my room and lay in bed. Covered the pillow with my eyes and hugged the sheets against my bolster. I stoned for a few mins and heard a quiet beep. I thought nothing of it.

Then I heard a different sort of airflow. It couldn't be the aircon, I didn't switch it on. My fan was blowing at my legs. I felt the temperature of the air colder against my legs. I frowned. Strange. I flopped my legs up and down. The air definitely felt cooler. Reluctantly, I lifted the pillow from my eyes to look at the aircon above me.

It was most definitely on.

I frowned again. I wondered if Dad switched the aircon on for me so I can sleep. Strange. If he did, he would've turned off the lights and fan too. And I would've heard him while stoning. Maybe I really fell asleep when I thought I was stoning.

I went out of my room and back to Dad's. To my dismay, he was still sitting at the same position and Mum too. Didn't look like he moved at all, let alone switched the aircon on for me. I asked Dad. He said, nope. I asked him if Mum did. He said, nope.

"Then who switched my aircon on?"

"Ooo..."Dad turned to look at me, his mouth an O.

"Hah. Cool I have a very caring ghost in my room."

"Don't anyhow say, later really got."

"Kakak, you pray then you scared for what? As long as you pray it's okay," Mum said, pausing from her Quran recitations.

"Aiyah you accidentally switch it on is it?"

"Noooooo my aircon remote is behind my TV!"

"I said already, if you pray then you don't need to be scared what, go pray go pray, you huh," Mum interrupted again.

I kept quiet. I haven't exactly been a good muslim. I then asked Dad if my bro did it. He said he doesn't know, and that I should go ask him. And I did. I left the room and asked my brother. At first he shook his head. So I thought, maybe he switched my aircon accidentally when he switched his one in his room on. Who knows, the remote could work through walls perhaps. So I asked my bro if he did. He wouldn't give me a straight answer. He turned his head round and round. I asked him again. He answered, 5 hours ago.

I gave up but I doubt he did because I went to my brother's room and it felt cold like the aircon had been on for awhile and not just switched on 5 mins ago.
I went back to my room and checked my aircon remote. It was on. Which means my aircon was switched on using my aircon remote.

WHICH WAS NOT DONE SO BY ME.

It was creepy as hell and I was disturbed. I turned my fan off and started mulling to myself.

2 hours ago I was googling Anxiety and Anxiety meds and Lexapro, the pills the doctor prescribed. They were linked to depressive disorders(what the other doctor diagnosed) and it was somewhat an anti-depressant. I was bummed. Dammit, I've been taking anti-depressants.

I wondered if my brain went crazy and maybe I actually really did switch the aircon on myself. I wondered if the pills had side-effects that made my brain crazy. I wondered if there was a ghost. I wondered if the ghost was nice, because it kindly switched the aircon on for me. I wondered if it's evil, if it wants me to sleep and not pray. I wondered if I was crazy again.

I should feel scared, but I'm relaxed in my room now. I wondered if the pills made me incapable of feeling much. So I can't feel fear. Or anxiety. That's what the pills are for right? I wondered if the pills also made me unable to be sufficiently angry at my brother when he was irritating me before. I wondered if I should continue taking the pills.

I see Ryan online.

Bye, I wanna talk to him now.

-15745
I am very disturbed.

A little bug came to me to say hello, you're sick now.

2009-01-29T20:49:00.003+08:00

I am sick.
I am coughing until my abdominal muscles hurt.
Until my throat is sore, I think I taste blood.
My nose is constantly blocked, I can't breathe.
My voice is now manly, a stark contrast to my previously high pitched voice.
I have headaches, the ones you get when you have a fever.
I am weak.

And.

I am officially tired of being sick.

I am SICK and TIRED of the headaches.
I am sick and tired of the lethargy.

I WANT TO JUMP AROUND, I want to do things, I want to have bundles of energy, limitless amount of energy to spare.

I want to be able to focus on my studies, I want to...

I want so many things, but who says we get what we want all the time?

I saw the counsellor last week.
A bloody waste of time.
A
bloody
waste
of
time.

Do not PRETEND to understand me when I know you don't.
You don't know what I want.
How can you pretend you know what I want, when I don't know what I want exactly?
I want things to be okay, but what is okay?
All I know for sure is what I don't want.

I talked to the freaking counsellor for AN HOUR. And I thought, hey, a counsellor, might as well make use of it. I don't wanna be one of those shallow people. I want to be open minded. So yes, I poured my heart and soul to you. My deepest darkest secrets that some of my closest friends don't even know.

And after it all,
you
don't
even
understand me.

YOU SUCK SO BAD.
I AM NEVER GOING FOR COUNSELLING AGAIN.

The doctor at the polyclinic, the one who diagnosed that I have depression.
HE UNDERSTOOD ME BETTER.
I almost cried because I knew he understands, and I don't want him to. Because he's a doctor. Not a psychiatrist. He referred me to a psychiatrist but I don't want to go because I don't have the money and I can't ask my parents because THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT I'M GOING THROUGH WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH.

I'm screwed up. Okay? I admit.
I am a self-destructive dysfunctional person.
I cannot think logically anymore.
The doctor says depression does that.
SCREW DEPRESSION

FROM NOW ON I AM NOT EFFING DEPRESSED.
I LOVE MY LIFE.
I LOVE MYSELF.
I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND MY FAMILY.

I don't pick at flaws, caz flaws are OKAY.
Everyone has flaws. I AM TOLERANT of flaws, I will ACCEPT YOU FLAWS AND ALL.
AND I WILL STOP FREAKING CRYING LIKE A GODDAMNED BABY.

I WILL stick to my resolutions. I WILL stick to my principles, stick to my goals.
Depression is retarded.
I always thought that people going through depression are stupid caz, awww youre so sad awww your life suck awwww you might as well die AWWWW TOO BAD. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE HAVING IT WORSE THAN YOU OUT THERE SO SUCK IT UP AND STOP BEING A PANSY.

And then now
I know why
they are retarded
caz depression is a mental retardation disorder.
depression makes you stupid
so now
I'm a retard.
be nice to me.

I'm not gonna be retarded anymore.
I am going to be FINE.

My lecturer can go and die.
"Oh it's quite serious you know. You should go get help. Bla bla bla. It's not too expensive."

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MONEY HUH?
I am in DEBT.
And I cannot let my parents KNOW.
Why?

Because I am not throwing away what I have been working for MY ENTIRE LIFE just because I'm going through this retarded disorder.

Depressive disorder my ass.

STOP DEBARRING ME.

I turn up for lessons now.
And I've started studying.
I know I'm inconsistent but when I am truly working and trying hard, CUT ME SOME SLACK AND COOPERATE WILL YA?
You are so not helping me by DEBARRING ME.

I understand my parents too well.
Only too well.
You don't think I've not tried reasoning with them? Like proper rational adults?
You can't reason with them unless you want to turn their whole world upside down.
And eventhough I hate hate hate so much what they are doing, I know they do it because they love me.
And because of that, I can never truly hate them.
And because of that..
I cannot bear to hurt them.

No matter how much you tell me it's for the better.
No matter how much it's healthier for me, for them, for my life, and their life.

I cannot do anything, that would hurt them.

Last Christmas, I tested their limits.
They hurt of course. It hurt me that they hurt.
but they're better now.
And I can't complain.

Now this issue, lies with me. With my principles. My moral values.
It's just me. Me with the retarded brain.

I'm fine now.
I'm improving.
I've stopped dating.
The guys I go out with are purely friends. And they are good friends.
I'm sorry to say I'm not close to much girls in poly except for Cass Lee.
Other girls in my clique include Sharon and Abigail.
But I'm not as close to them.
There are just some people that you feel alright to open up to and others, uncomfortable with.

I don't know.
I just don't have that many girls around me.
I have guys around me because guys are horny buggers. They like girls. So obviously, they don't mind hanging out with me.
But after that, we came to a mutual agreement.
That we will only be friends and that's it.

And that's okay.
And they happen to be good friends.

So yes, I know alot of guys, because the guys approach me. If girls approached me, I'm equally nice and friendly.
Like, in Ambassadors.
There are tonnes of awesome girls.
Ning and her fellow Year 1 gang.
Joyce and Joyce both from Ambassadors and French.
XiangWei and Hannah, my a.l. and L.
Tsk, psh, I'm okay with practically all the girls in Ambassadors.

I'm okay with the girls in my course.
I got to know a new girl, in my lab.
She's repeating a module with Eugene.
I talked to Eugene once in lab because he was my lab partner.
We hit off hilariously.
That was ages ago.
And.
Only recently have I started talking to her.
Girls are just slower and less receptive of me.
And it's normal BECAUSE THEY'RE GIRLS.
No matter how open I am to girls, I am just less approachable to them.

(This is my theory. If you have another theory, please enlighten me, so I can LEARN)

And of course, the girls that understand me, I cherish them like crazy.
I love them to bits.
I love my friends to bits.
Even though I know friends come and go.
I can't help it?
I just love all of you, even when I find you guys sometimes retarded or your flaws irks me, or you can be immature or childish.
No matter what negative opinion I have of any of my friends (because your mind can't help but judge, it's whether you act on it), I love you all the same.

I know it's hard to believe.
you might think I'm stupid this way,
but that's just the way retarded me works.

I love my friends to bits
no matter how crazy you guys drive me.

Like the way I love my parents,
no matter how much I say I hate them,
no matter how crazy they drive me too.

I just.. cherish relationships in my life.
Suuuure I pretend to be some brave strong jaded girl, like I can just drop friends if I think you're not worthy to be considered a friend,
but
I actually take very long to get over it.

On the outside, I pretend to be over it,
but
I secretly think about it every night.

It took me a year and a half to get over Hidayah.
And
to be completely honest
when she talks to me on msn
it still hurts
till now.

I'm so sorry, but
..

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry everyone.

I'm sorry for being so weird.
I really wish I wasn't.
I have my own ideals in my head.

Bear with me.

I've begun to mellow down. No clubbing since that time, no drinking, I still to this day am proud to say I don't smoke, no boys, I know my heart now, no rebelling against teachers, no rebelling against parents,

I'm fixing myself.
One step at a time.

Bear with me.

I love you.

-15670
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
-Mark Twain

shhh-luts.

2009-01-28T02:08:00.002+08:00

Oh,its morning
How annoying
Just to clear the mourning
I wish there will be a bombing

Spin me around.
Again.
Fast.

I cheat when taking medicine.

2009-01-25T15:40:00.005+08:00

Now,

I know I'm supposed to take my anxiety pills every morning, but I don't (teehee) BECAUSE (I wonder if I've said this before) I hate medicine.

I really do.

It's not the taste, or the swallowing or anything.
I'm perfectly fine with it.
It's the idea of taking medicine.

As far as possible, I'd like to train my antibodies and stuff.
Like, make them uber strong to defeat anything ill causing.
And if I need medicine like antibiotics to get well, then alright I'll take it, caz you know, antibiotics to fight the bacteria and stuff.

BUT PAINKILLERS?
Nevah. I'll live with the pain.
And oh my god, anxiety pills?

That's twice as retarded.
I mean I only eat it caz it cost me 70 forking bucks. So yeah, I don't wanna throw 70 bucks away.
But as far as possible, I'm gonna PSYCHO myself into being NOT anxious and PSYCHO myself into sleeping right.

Which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't, but it definitely takes a whole lot of my energy.
It zaps me of everything seriously. I try sooo hard, that I barely have the energy to do anything else.

I know, I know.
But yes, I am a fan of Pon and Zi and Jeff Thomas (the guy who drew them)
And there's a very tragic story behind him but now he's finally going back to an awesome art school and omg I FEEL IRRATIONALLY HAPPY FOR HIM.

Like, if I had friends who went through shit, and finally, life rights itself again for them, I'd sincerely be retardedly happy for them, but Jeff Thomas is like, some dude, that I've never met nor conversed with. But I feel happy for him.
Strange.

And the Pon and Zi pic above made me smile :)

ANYWAY, people around when have been commenting about my behavior WHICH I FIND STRANGE, because I feel fine. Really. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking or just too lazy to make facial expressions or my usual retarded verbal vomit, but that's just because trying to stay awake zaps my energy, so I become extra lazy even with the smallest things. Including smiling. So no, I'm not sad, or depressed OR WHATEVER SHIT, I'm fine.

You know, when you have to stay up all night to finish something really important, like how your body just wants to sleep so badly, but you're awake because the sheer importance of what you have to finish keeps you from sleeping, so your eyes are open?
You know that feeling?

I feel like that every single day.
In bright sunny daylight.
I feel like I'm keeping myself awake.

It's not hard. But it's not easy either.

And it's also kinda strange how all my friends realised how weird I've become and not my family.
Strange.

And I've decided I never really changed when it comes to tutoring kids.
Kids make me feel so... right.
Like I'm doing what I have to do, and it's right and it's okay, and I stop feeling sleepy and my headaches stop and I'm not as ultra lethargic as I was.

I realised I digress alot and talk in circles, but that sufficiently illustrates how my train of thought is moving.
:/
Anyhoo,
the Chinese New Year madness is here,
so GONG XI FA CAI everyone! :D

~~-15590~~

OMGGGG I REMEMBER WHAT I WANTED TO BLOG ABOUT INITIALLYYYY.

hehehehehehe

I went shopping yesterday, with my bro and my mum to shop for CNY clothes fo my bro. I KNOW. SUPER last minute. But that's typical of my brother.

Now, my brother is a dweeb who has the inability to say what he really thinks.
So when he really likes something, he just shrugs.
When he hates something, he keeps quiet, or just turn away.

So I don't know why, but Mum hasn't figured this out. It seems only I can really read my family well enough.
So, every year, I complain to Mum about how atrocious my bro's sense of fashion is. It's embarrassing.

Seriously, if he doesn't look like a Karang Guni, he would look like an impoverished Kampung Boy. Singaporeans should know what those mean. Non-singaporeans, go google it or ask your Sg friends.
:D

So, I speed shopped, and told my bro to follow me.
And surprisingly, he really did.
He tried on everything I told him to. And I had to read his face to tell if he likes it or secretly hate it.

And it was a major success, I pried it out of him to say, "YES I REALLY LIKE THIS ONE."
He got himself this dark grey shirt, which he can choose to button up, or wear it over a dark dull maroon-ish red tee or an off-white tee which I paid for as a birthday present for him (it's his birthday tomorrow).
Wheee!

HE FINALLY LOOKS PRESENTABLE.

And I like the off-white one caz it has a sketch of headphones and stuff around the neck of the tee, which I thought was cool, if they had a girl one, I wouldve bought it. Tsk.

Mum was against it, she thought it wasn't worth the price, but my bro was stumbling over himself to try to get Mum to buy both until I offered to pay for the white one as a gift from me.
Mum still wasn't happy.

Yay!
This year, my bro is gonna look like he's celebrating an event. Not just gracing it with his boring oversized one-coloured polo tees and jeans.

I'm so happy !

:')

-15590
Words aren't ever sufficient. You gotta look at the eyes. The eyes never lie.

ceres = heaven.

2009-01-25T00:38:00.003+08:00

Cranberry and Kiwi's the best.
Sourish yet magical :o

music keeps it going.

2009-01-22T23:33:00.001+08:00

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
So far away from where you are
Standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here.

Deviantart;;thestimulus.

2009-01-22T00:54:00.006+08:00

Up close, everything seems to be a blur.
But if you move two steps back...

Naturally, things become vivid..
beautiful...
and
colourful.

Never judge.

I'm famous like Joey.

2009-01-21T22:38:00.002+08:00

lawl joey

-15495
I'm fine.

What does everyone want from me?

2009-01-21T20:53:00.007+08:00

So great.

Lemme update yous.

I have been debarred from one of my modules for my poor attendance.
And close to being debarred from the rest.
I told them I can't wake up. I seriously can't.
DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SEVERITY OF MY INCAPABILITY OF WAKING UP?

I cannot wake up.
Simple.
My radio alarm would be loud enough to wake the entire family at 6 am, until they got up and started walking around disoriented before banging on my door to tell me to shut the damned thing, and I WOULD BE COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS.

I put my handphone, with the loudest and noisiest metal song I have, set with vibration and all, to wake me up EVENTHOUGH I have my loudass radio alarm already.
But no, I sleep through like the dead, even with my phone ringing and buzzing on my face, with my mum banging on the door, with the radio alarm blaring away.

I.
Cannot.
Wake.
Up.

Until my eyes decides to open.

WHICH part of that do you not understand?

I missed so many lessons because I sleep nonstop and only wake up at like 12 or 1. And stumble my way to school. And sometimes, school ends at 3 pm so why in the world would I go to school for 30 mins of lessons? (I take 1.5 hours to get to school)

I went to the first doctor-
ugh
i dont even feel like typing or blogging now
iwannasleep
andit's only 9.11pm
tsk

UGH i have to do this or my blog will die.im so tired bodoh.

ANYWAY

I went with best fwen to a private doctor. He told me that I am an insomniac.
And now my brain is entering a compensatory state. Which is why I suddenly sleep so much.
And how I should NEVER sleep in the day while he is resetting my (insert scientific name) in my brain. He gave me some pills, anxiety pills, and told me to take one type every morning and one type every night.

AND IT COST ME 70 BUCKS.
ARE YOU CRAZY I DONT HAVE 70 BUCKS.
Now I owe best fwen 70 bucks because she helped me pay for it.

I WOULD SO SCREAM VULGARITIES RIGHT NOW IF NOT FOR MY NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS.

stupid expensive anxiety pills.
I dont even see how I'm in a state of anxiety.
Am I anxious, people?
Huh?
AM I?
I'm so pissed.

So, I asked him for a letter to verify that I do have an existing sleeping disorder, good lord SURE I LIED ABOUT IT.
NO REALLY,
I actually have a good night's sleep everynight, I just don't come for classes because I love being a rebel and failing is my ultimate goal in life.

GIVE ME A BREAK GOOD LORD.

and the doctor refuses to write one because he says it's dangerous and can be used against me in the court of law.
Like.
okay.
whatever.

He gave me 3 days MC and wrote Sleep Disorder in it. I was satisfied.
My lecturer wasn't.
"I need a letter of verification bla bla bla"
OH WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEEEEEEEEEED GOD

Debarment is a stupid assed policy,
IF I DONT WANNA COME TO SCHOOL AND IM STILL SMART ENOUGH TO PASS MY EXAMS THEN YOU SHOULD LEAVEEE MEEEE ALONEEEEE.
I'm the one paying you money for my education right? SO WHY IS MY ATTENDANCE A BIG FAT ISSUE RAWR.

So, he tells me to go see a polyclinic, it's cheaper (but I generally have bad impression of GPs in polyclinics, because they are always so uncaring. meh)
And okay so I went there,
waited for HOURS,
wasted more money.

And the doctor was surprisingly nice and creepy too.
He stares at me and smile. Without saying anything.
HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M A FREAK.
And when I tell him stuff, he looks at me as if he could see deep into my soul and I was so uncomfortable around him.

It got so bad that when I was done talking and he's still staring at me, I went,"What???"
And all he did was smiled and wrote a whole lot of shit into my file of which I couldn't decipher because his handwriting was so illegible(why is this typical of doctors?) it looked like he was writing in Tamil.

And he was so hesitant about asking me questions too.
I think, he's like afraid of me.
Like if he says the most dangerous words ," You. Are. Suffering. From. Depression."
I'll turn into a nasty green hulk and eat him.

-.-

And so I told him abit of my family problems, because he's a doctor not a shrink (AND OMG I AM FORCED TO SEE A COUNSELLOR IN SCHOOL WTFWTFWTFTWF I SO TOTALLY OBJECT)

He even asked me if my lecturer was interested in me.
WHAT THE FORK SPOON KNIFE?
and I'm like "Ew? No?!"
And he asked, "How old is your lecturer?"
and i was like," I have no idea, he's old?"
LAWL people LAWL.

He keeps going hmmm..
and looking at me, weirdly, like observing me.
Sometimes, it's like the way best fwen looks at me when she thinks I'm acting like a nutcase.

OKAY FINE, BEST FWEN, YOU WIN.
I'm suffering from depression
WOOO I'm one of those emo morons, tsk.

And and and he said he would write a letter to my lecturer to tell him what he thinks, but he won't verify the sleeping disorder.
LIKE
OH MY GOD.

IF YOU AGREE WITH ME THAT I HAVE ISSUES SLEEPING AND WAKING UP WHY CANT YOU BLOODY WRITE THE DAMN LETTER PUT ME OUTTA MY MISERY SO I WONT GET SO IRRITATED ABOUT BEING DEBARRED MAKING MY LIFE WITH MY PARENTS ALL THE MORE HORRIBLE.

Here's what the nice but creepy doctor wrote.
(Yes, I opened the envelope and read it eventhough it's for my lecturer. Bite me.)

"...she has symptoms of poor appetite, lethargy, somnolence (?) and anieclonia(?). she is most likely to have depressive disorder. We have offered her a referral to the psychiatrist but due to financial difficulties, she has declined it. It seems that her depression stems from problems @ home. When asked for more details, she declined to revealmore. Please feel free to let us know how else to help Khalisah."

(I tried my best to decipher his handwriting)

The doctor also tells me not to take those anxiety pills, because I don't look anxious to him.
But, maybe that's because I already took one in the morning.
And he was like,"Don't take la... This is for anxiety..."

And essentially, he never really did help me much solve my issues.
GRREEAAATTT.

But he was actually very nice.
So nice that he makes me wanna cry.
And I almost cried again when I talked to him.
To that he said,"What's that?"
"What's what?"
"Are those tears?"
"NOOOOOoooo...?"

And he just smiled and stared and nodded his head and wrote more shit into my file.

>:(

I don't know how to get rid the crying in public syndrome.
I cried at the brownie stall when Ryan was being an ass in his texts, and when James Morrison was playing on the speakers.
Nobody saw me though, I ran to the toilet to do my make up.

Hehe I'm so pro.

I also cried in front of Sam and Raphael and Sean, embarrassing as hell. I can't stand it, I cried after reading this really sad article in NP tribune.

I cried when I told my lecturer about my issues with my family.

I almost cried in the bus and train.
I almost cried when I feel so alone.

And everytime the urge to cry comes, I would feel tremendous shock and disgust.

BECAUSE I AM NOT A CRY IN PUBLIC PERSON
ew
ew
ew
ew
ew
ew
ew
ew
ew

you cannot believe how much I am so ugh-ing about the way I am now.

So I pretty much wasted alot of time, money and energy.
And my life
is crumbling
like a cookie.
wheeeee.

-15491
I join Facebook groups for their funky names. If you start a group with the previous sentence, I will sue you.

So Long Suckersssssssss

2009-01-21T13:45:00.002+08:00

Dear witnesses, I will be gone for a good week so you'll be stuck with the other two. Good luck!

-not adrian

Quote

2009-01-19T01:46:00.002+08:00

"Dear Walter,

Why is that I gag when I brush my tongue, but not when I go down on my boyfriend?"

Walter: "Well... Your toothbrush is bigger."

-not walter

I really did take it.

2009-01-15T23:06:00.002+08:00

The cookie's kinda retarded.

HobNobs were the only ones I could find in the fridge this morning.

Sorry.

Bedroom Talk.

2009-01-15T00:37:00.001+08:00

And the next part is the hardest to admit and explain
But I've got to get it right
She said I'll chew you up and spit you out like all of them
I'm gonna put you right back in my mouth