I am so lazy! To blog! on this blog! this blog is so boring it no longer interests me! There once was a time when I freaked out on Ryan when he deleted my post. lmao. because I treasure everything I type down. It's a document of my feelings and state of mind at the point of blogging! Now I don't even care.
I guess having a boyfriend changed me in different ways. With my exes, I wasn't easily jealous. Quite low maintenance, I don't tell them everything and don't want to. And I was mature. Damn right. If you were a playboy, I am your perfect gf. Because I don't feel the need to check up on you so it'd be pretty easy to cheat on me. And if I ever found out, I'd dump you and delete you from my life. No drama. I'm sure my exes appreciate me. And probably found me boring. Of course Ryan was an exception(and full of drama), I love him to bits. he was the best online friend once can ask for, it's just too bad fate has other plans. so we kinda remain at that.
And then I realised, I've... never really been dumped. I kinda initiated the breakups. Which is disturbing, because usually the girl gets dumped right?
Now, with Hokes, I get jealous and upset and the stupidest things. But of course I don't throw tantrums. I just feel them and don't do anything about them. Kinda upset with myself for being so ridiculous sometimes. Now (I still think I'm low maintenance) I tell the boyfriend everything and anything, and I expect him to do same. I absolutely HATEEEEE it when he keeps things from me (and somehow I can always tell) then I have to go all fickle and have a mental debate on whether to pry it out of him and whether it's the right time and the right thing to do blablabla. I somehow want to know what he's doing and what's going on.
It's ridiculous! When I go,"so whatcha doing now?" I mentally slap my face everytime. I DONT ASK THESE KINDA QUESTIONS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? I'm clingy and childish and I talk with the baby voice. When I don't, the boyfriend would think there's something wrong. Which pretty much concludes that I only speak that way to the bf 24/7. I'm childish and crazy, I make random noises and say nonsense things. like,"bleble blooo. mama. rawr. you're weird. not me. weh wehhh." I would lie in bed next to him and suddenly go RAWWRRR and roll over him.
WHA? Just taking a step back and looking at myself, I'm so... RIDICULOUS HAHA. And comfortable and happy. And I like it. I like it so much then I can be ridiculous and he still loves me and when I'm serious, we can talk for hours on a topic and hours more digressing from that topic. And I like it that he's just as ridiculous as me.
Also, I used to blog like crazy. If I don't, I would have a mental breakdown and convince myself that I am a zombie and I eat people. Now I don't even know what to blog about. Because the things that bother me, I summed it up in one line in a tweet on Twitter. And the more deeper issues, I have a best friend/ boyfriend to talk to. So I kinda have no use for this, cept updating my friends about my life (and whoever reads this blog). And I told you I kinda changed, because now I'm more introverted. I don't really wanna share it with yous (if I even had anything to share) too lazy and I don't feel the same. I don't feel excited to share. Then share for what right?!
We're all so caught up in our lives, I'm drowning in work (I have 4.5days a week to finish all my work because weds nights and weekends are boyfriend time. Sometimes work eats into boyfriend time and THAT UPSETS ME GREATLY.) Ryan completely disappeared, I can't even talk to him on msn. It's not the same between us, I'm not surprised, but I would really like to maintain this friendship :) I like it. Jacob too, but it's kinda my fault too, caz like Ryan I too have no use for msn (because I don't want to talk to people. see?) I feel a lil guilty caz that means I'm neglecting my friends (like jacob said, if msn is the only means of communication and i'm deliberately not on it, i'm neglecting him on purpose, which is in a way, true)
BUT I AM SO TIRED OF WORK.
Like really.
I just want to STOP STUDYING.
TAKE A FREAKING LOOOOOONG BREAK FROM STUDYING. Working sounds appealing suddenly (and some of you know how I hate the workforce and dread the time when my education ceases)
ndvexuvcwbj gt
RAWR!
and I just dont. wanna. talk. to people.
Like okay I do, sometimes I do have the mood. But most times? when I'm alone, I won't reach out to people like how I used to. I socialise well only when they come to me. And then people feel unimportant and not needed and that's sad because I kinda like making ppl feel important and needed. Ugh I really don't know what I want. Maybe I should just pack my bags and go on vacation in aussieland, maybe hide in Cass's luggage. and we can have so much fun overseas.
omg let's do that one day.
nBFrnf SO EXCITING I WANNA TRAVEL NAO NAO NAO.
too bad school isnt over yet.
RAWR my nose is being a complete turdface , it's blocked I can't breathe yet I'm constantly sneezing. ridiculous. I'm feeling like hell right now and I want the bf here and I have a different blog, this time for myself. It's anonymous. I don't feel like sharing it with anyone. I know I might as well write it down in a diary but typing is less tiring, to be honest. maybe you can find it online and guess that it's me. good luck. i predict this blog is gonna rot what with ryan and jacob disappearing and all.
wish me luck with work, maybe i'll update here sometime. i'll just leave this up. who knows. you can entertain yourself with the archives.
I'm trying very hard not to swear. I'm random.
bye.
