Dear witnesses,
There is always that one person that is a shining beacon of significance in your life. Someone that probably is the greatest human being you'll personally know. Someone that will never want to escape from your heart. That someone might be a friend, a family member, a girl or boyfriend, or any form of a loved one. Someone might even be a group of people. But my someone is an individual, and this is my introduction to She.
She is simply put amazing. Her strength is found in vulnerability when it is most crucial. She sums up every ounce of energy and pulls through every single time. But even though she can handle things by herself, she still requires comfort and support. And it's beautiful because she's human and not superhuman. In moments of weakness, beauty flowers. People tend to forget that and are ashamed when vulnerable. But all shame and insecurities are gone when confiding in She because her strength is an aura that lends itself willingly to those in need of it.
Her heart, that beats for the people she loves, is bigger than a saint's. It has a warmth that's infectious. It gets under your skin, and you just melt every time. Feels good. Like being wrapped in a warm blanket. Maybe even with a cup of hot chocolate. And you feel safe, and warm, and you never want to leave. I never want to leave.
She is like a rainbow. Rarely do you see one, but when you do, you stop and stare. And you feel like you experienced a great moment of beauty in life. She may not know this, but she is a major inspiration to me. It is evident in my poems, in my music, and greatly in my life. She inspires me to be a better human. And I feel like I have to keep up with her, and I want to keep up with her. She's motivates me to better myself because it's so easy to be complacent. Just the slightest of nudges every time, and she probably doesn't even know it. She's one of the unsung heroes, and I am now giving her an acknowledgement that her influence is greatly appreciated. There is much more to her than what I've listed, but that would take a life time explaining. And I think that those two points are her greatest virtues.
Witnesses, most of you would probably know what I'm talking about. Most of you probably have experienced what I feel. So express your appreciation more than just on special days like birthdays, or Valentine's or Christmas. Everyday is an opportunity to thank them and let them know that they are just as loved.
To She: I cannot thank you enough for what you have done for me. But you know that you mean the world to me, and hopefully that's enough. For all I can offer is my world.
I love you.
-not nick
She
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Is that alright with you? No.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse
Is that alright with you?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright with you?
If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright with you?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright with you?
With you...
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse
Is that alright with you?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright with you?
If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright with you?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright with you?
With you...
Would you still love me if I were young and had acne? When I'm afraid of what's under the bed? Or if I end up wetting the bed?
" We're meant to lose the people we love.
How else are we supposed to know how important they are to us?"
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
We can so skip that part.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
I know I know.
I'm supposed to be on hiatus BUT WHATEVER.
I think I just screwed up my life even more with the BCHEM paper. Ah shucks. Ah. Shucks. Please kill me.
Anyway a bazillion things has happened, alot of which I don't wanna talk about less I go crazy again but yes.
I've been weird AGAIN, but hey, I'm improving. I think I must have been frustrating a whole bunch of people with my low self-esteem so okok, I'll.. well. Dammit, I'm so sorry but I set damn high standards for myself and I'm not fulfilling them so..
:(
A teensy bit of juicy gossip.
I've been seeing a certain someone.
And that certain someone knows the existence of this blog.
And I kinda feel weird. Lmao. Shuddup. We'll see.
Studying is not working out for me, I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT L4D I'm sorry, this is how random my train of thought is. But shuddup, I never got to touch the damned game till recently and dammit I suck hahahaha frikken noob BUT I so wanna play it until I'm not as noob as I so am now xD
Joshua Wong has left for Aus and I HATE HIM SO, hahaha but I got him, in my opinion, the most apt and awesome birthday/ farewell-see-you-in-a-coupla-years gift. I'm sure he loves it too :D
Recently, I attempted to study at Lido, saw Sam Power, had an awkward conversation, bid farewell, had Starbucks' Frapp just to realise a white guy was staring at me. He walked past several times, and as we made eye contact, he'd give a small smile. So I returned the smile, a small and almost unnoticeable one and carried on with my own nonsense, memorizing the structures of 20 amino acids.
Then, Weird White Guy (WWG) spoke to me. He was standing a little behind me with his arms crossed.
"I realized a lot of Singaporeans like to study in cafes. Why's that?"
"Umm, I don't know. I like Starbucks. Starbucks makes me happy."
"But wouldn't it be better to study at home?"
"I can't study at home, it's more distracting."
"Isn't studying here more distracting? The noise and all?" he gestures to the screen playing movie trailers softly behind me.
"Umm, well, home's my comfort zone, so I can't be in my comfort zone. My bed is really distracting, I'd fall asleep and eat and walk around doing nothing."
"Your what?"
"My bed."
"Oh your bed."
(Is my bloody accent that hard to understand?)
Then, realising that the conversation isn't gonna end anytime soon, and that it's kinda weird talking to him while I'm sitting down and looking up to him looming over me, I gave him a fork in the road.
"Would you like to have a seat?"
"Oh sure."
And WWG sat down across me.
You know, he really should've said something like awww nah, I was just passing by. I'll not bother you now, good luck with your studies! But no. So he started chatting with me in the weirdest white guy accent. It was definitely not American nor British nor Australian nor Irish. Because I can recognise those accents somewhat.
So okay. He started telling me how he can't do Chemistry, how he stole a test paper and sold it for fifty bucks, how he took drugs, meth in fact, to stay up all night several days consecutively to study.
And all I could come up with as a response was,"Well, Starbucks kinda keeps me awake."
We talked about how weird Singapore's education system is, and he wanted me to show him what I'm studying so I took out my 20 amino acid structures and gave it to him. He stares at it.
While chatting with him, I was texting Hokes and my last text msg to Hokes was "There's a weird white guy talking to me now. Ah." Or something along those lines. And I was feeling quite awkward. Am I supposed to continue studying? Caz that would be kinda rude. And chatting with him would just prove his point about studying at cafes are more distracting because of white guys like him.
Lmao. He said that I swear, and he gave me a very amused smile.
I grinned and shrugged.
Dammit lah.
Hahahahaha.
AND THEN MY HERO CAME, yayyy, Hokes the idiot, surprised me. I thought he was still at home but no! He secretly came down without telling to surprise me, which he kinda failed caz I saw him and he wasn't able to come up behind me and shock me to death or something.
So I went all," EH HIIIII! What are you doing here?!"
And Hokes noticed me and grinned and sat beside me.
WWG suddenly had a change in attitude, he completely ignored me, chatted to Hokes about ipods, and then left without saying goodbye to me.
Asshole.
I hope you can only find Creative stores around you rude bugger! I hope you never find the Apple store! NEVAH!
Lmao, but I was very glad to see Hokes. And that sweet little thing started helping memorise BCHEM and even wrote for me lists of things I should remember, WHEN I SHOULD BE THE ONE WRITING THOSE DOWN lmao, awwww.
(I wonder if you've guessed it yet)
He's been doing this alot, that scheming boy, lying to me that he's still at home, then turn up unannounced at macs yesterday where I was having lunch with the usual gang. We then went to a LAN shop and played L4D and finished the entire thing, it was fun, hilarious, and dammit, best fwen was better than me!
Then Best Fwen's BF came along, and all four of us were playing and omg sho fun.
We had dinner, and ah, it felt like a, ah. Should I just say it?
Ah.
So many things has happened.
Man.
This blog is so outdated.
ok...
it's been like this.
met hokes at cny.
crashed ac orientation.
hokes asked me out on vday, that bodoh.
i rejected M who also asked me out on vday, and i think M is an idiot(I find some people very immature even though they're so old).
i spend some time with hokes.
i went out with bff to play with horses AND THEY ARE SHO BEAUTIFULL
i smelt like hay.
i changed and went on a double date with bff and her bf and me with hokes.
watched slumdog millionaire.
damn sick parts, ouchies my eyes.
but good movie.
i agree with bff that double dates are gay.
but hey, try new things lorz.
i met up with jwong to pass him his present.
jwong gave hokes immunity to my sluttiness.
damn you.
and recently, after L4D-ing with best fwen and her bf and hokes,
we went to dinner and it felt like a second double date.
lmao-ness.
I'm so glad I don't update my blog too often. Having a small circle of readers is so my cup of tea. So yesza! Now you know. And well, I don't know what to do about it, or how's this gonna turn out, but I'm doing my best, I'm being better,I have my weirdity and even though I threw him a whole lot of shit about me, I don't know what's wrong with him, What's wrong with you, Hokes?! Are you blind?! Maybe he's only seen me being my weird self that he can't tell when I'm normal and when I'm not lmao lmao lmao ness.
I miss ryan like crazy I haven't been talking to him much and Jacob too.
But ah.
Sigh.
Okok, now that all's updated, I'm gonna study. Again.
-16421
never lose your childish innocence
-Under The Tuscan Sun
I'm supposed to be on hiatus BUT WHATEVER.
I think I just screwed up my life even more with the BCHEM paper. Ah shucks. Ah. Shucks. Please kill me.
Anyway a bazillion things has happened, alot of which I don't wanna talk about less I go crazy again but yes.
I've been weird AGAIN, but hey, I'm improving. I think I must have been frustrating a whole bunch of people with my low self-esteem so okok, I'll.. well. Dammit, I'm so sorry but I set damn high standards for myself and I'm not fulfilling them so..
:(
A teensy bit of juicy gossip.
I've been seeing a certain someone.
And that certain someone knows the existence of this blog.
And I kinda feel weird. Lmao. Shuddup. We'll see.
Studying is not working out for me, I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT L4D I'm sorry, this is how random my train of thought is. But shuddup, I never got to touch the damned game till recently and dammit I suck hahahaha frikken noob BUT I so wanna play it until I'm not as noob as I so am now xD
Joshua Wong has left for Aus and I HATE HIM SO, hahaha but I got him, in my opinion, the most apt and awesome birthday/ farewell-see-you-in-a-coupla-years gift. I'm sure he loves it too :D
Recently, I attempted to study at Lido, saw Sam Power, had an awkward conversation, bid farewell, had Starbucks' Frapp just to realise a white guy was staring at me. He walked past several times, and as we made eye contact, he'd give a small smile. So I returned the smile, a small and almost unnoticeable one and carried on with my own nonsense, memorizing the structures of 20 amino acids.
Then, Weird White Guy (WWG) spoke to me. He was standing a little behind me with his arms crossed.
"I realized a lot of Singaporeans like to study in cafes. Why's that?"
"Umm, I don't know. I like Starbucks. Starbucks makes me happy."
"But wouldn't it be better to study at home?"
"I can't study at home, it's more distracting."
"Isn't studying here more distracting? The noise and all?" he gestures to the screen playing movie trailers softly behind me.
"Umm, well, home's my comfort zone, so I can't be in my comfort zone. My bed is really distracting, I'd fall asleep and eat and walk around doing nothing."
"Your what?"
"My bed."
"Oh your bed."
(Is my bloody accent that hard to understand?)
Then, realising that the conversation isn't gonna end anytime soon, and that it's kinda weird talking to him while I'm sitting down and looking up to him looming over me, I gave him a fork in the road.
"Would you like to have a seat?"
"Oh sure."
And WWG sat down across me.
You know, he really should've said something like awww nah, I was just passing by. I'll not bother you now, good luck with your studies! But no. So he started chatting with me in the weirdest white guy accent. It was definitely not American nor British nor Australian nor Irish. Because I can recognise those accents somewhat.
So okay. He started telling me how he can't do Chemistry, how he stole a test paper and sold it for fifty bucks, how he took drugs, meth in fact, to stay up all night several days consecutively to study.
And all I could come up with as a response was,"Well, Starbucks kinda keeps me awake."
We talked about how weird Singapore's education system is, and he wanted me to show him what I'm studying so I took out my 20 amino acid structures and gave it to him. He stares at it.
While chatting with him, I was texting Hokes and my last text msg to Hokes was "There's a weird white guy talking to me now. Ah." Or something along those lines. And I was feeling quite awkward. Am I supposed to continue studying? Caz that would be kinda rude. And chatting with him would just prove his point about studying at cafes are more distracting because of white guys like him.
Lmao. He said that I swear, and he gave me a very amused smile.
I grinned and shrugged.
Dammit lah.
Hahahahaha.
AND THEN MY HERO CAME, yayyy, Hokes the idiot, surprised me. I thought he was still at home but no! He secretly came down without telling to surprise me, which he kinda failed caz I saw him and he wasn't able to come up behind me and shock me to death or something.
So I went all," EH HIIIII! What are you doing here?!"
And Hokes noticed me and grinned and sat beside me.
WWG suddenly had a change in attitude, he completely ignored me, chatted to Hokes about ipods, and then left without saying goodbye to me.
Asshole.
I hope you can only find Creative stores around you rude bugger! I hope you never find the Apple store! NEVAH!
Lmao, but I was very glad to see Hokes. And that sweet little thing started helping memorise BCHEM and even wrote for me lists of things I should remember, WHEN I SHOULD BE THE ONE WRITING THOSE DOWN lmao, awwww.
(I wonder if you've guessed it yet)
He's been doing this alot, that scheming boy, lying to me that he's still at home, then turn up unannounced at macs yesterday where I was having lunch with the usual gang. We then went to a LAN shop and played L4D and finished the entire thing, it was fun, hilarious, and dammit, best fwen was better than me!
Then Best Fwen's BF came along, and all four of us were playing and omg sho fun.
We had dinner, and ah, it felt like a, ah. Should I just say it?
Ah.
So many things has happened.
Man.
This blog is so outdated.
ok...
it's been like this.
met hokes at cny.
crashed ac orientation.
hokes asked me out on vday, that bodoh.
i rejected M who also asked me out on vday, and i think M is an idiot(I find some people very immature even though they're so old).
i spend some time with hokes.
i went out with bff to play with horses AND THEY ARE SHO BEAUTIFULL
i smelt like hay.
i changed and went on a double date with bff and her bf and me with hokes.
watched slumdog millionaire.
damn sick parts, ouchies my eyes.
but good movie.
i agree with bff that double dates are gay.
but hey, try new things lorz.
i met up with jwong to pass him his present.
jwong gave hokes immunity to my sluttiness.
damn you.
and recently, after L4D-ing with best fwen and her bf and hokes,
we went to dinner and it felt like a second double date.
lmao-ness.
I'm so glad I don't update my blog too often. Having a small circle of readers is so my cup of tea. So yesza! Now you know. And well, I don't know what to do about it, or how's this gonna turn out, but I'm doing my best, I'm being better,I have my weirdity and even though I threw him a whole lot of shit about me, I don't know what's wrong with him, What's wrong with you, Hokes?! Are you blind?! Maybe he's only seen me being my weird self that he can't tell when I'm normal and when I'm not lmao lmao lmao ness.
I miss ryan like crazy I haven't been talking to him much and Jacob too.
But ah.
Sigh.
Okok, now that all's updated, I'm gonna study. Again.
-16421
never lose your childish innocence
-Under The Tuscan Sun
Labels: Chat Log, Elle, Insanity, Jacob, School, The Queen, Weird Shiz
.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew.
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face.
:)
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew.
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face.
:)
espana?
Madrid Castle.
Torres De Colon.
Holy Grail in Valencia.
Main Square of Valencia.
Barcelona.My dark circles are amazing.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I love coffee.
It keeps me up when I need to be up.
And.
I'm still praying.
I desperately hope you're okay.
Please be.
Please.
I look like a panda.
I want to look like a panda forever if it means you'll be okay.
I'd fail any common test, if it means you're okay.
I don't like how insignificant you seem in my life because you're just the calefare.
I don't like how significant you seem now because something drastic happened.
I'm sorry.
I saw WS.
WS says he heard from R that your condition is improving and not deteriorating.
I'm relieved.
Be okay.
Please.
Your friends are worried for you.
I see a girl crying.
Everyone's waiting for you.
You matter alot to them.
So be okay.
Please.
-16048
I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
I remember all the feelings
And the day they stopped
It keeps me up when I need to be up.
And.
I'm still praying.
I desperately hope you're okay.
Please be.
Please.
I look like a panda.
I want to look like a panda forever if it means you'll be okay.
I'd fail any common test, if it means you're okay.
I don't like how insignificant you seem in my life because you're just the calefare.
I don't like how significant you seem now because something drastic happened.
I'm sorry.
I saw WS.
WS says he heard from R that your condition is improving and not deteriorating.
I'm relieved.
Be okay.
Please.
Your friends are worried for you.
I see a girl crying.
Everyone's waiting for you.
You matter alot to them.
So be okay.
Please.
-16048
I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
I remember all the feelings
And the day they stopped
Labels: Elle, Emo Nemo, Morning Madness, School, The Queen
I hope you're ok.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
My new favourite video
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Stole this off Liza's blog haha,
IS THIS HILARIOUS OR WHAT?
-15970
Rawr. Someone make me study please.
IS THIS HILARIOUS OR WHAT?
-15970
Rawr. Someone make me study please.
Labels: Elle, Joke, Questionable, Random Mandoms, The Queen, Videos
I hope you're happy now.
The school sent to letters to inform my parents of my debarment.
Ah.
They flipped.
Sigh.
Dad cut off all my electricity. I have to bathe in cold water AGAIN. For a night, I slept without a fan nor aircon nor air ventilation. IT WAS HOT AS HELL ugh. Everything I've worked for has been undone. Parents filled with disappointment.
Dad says he's not gonna pay for my school fees again.
Sigh.
Is this what you want? Huh? All because I didn't suck up to you? Everyone tells me not to worry because you have a reputation of favouring girls over boys. They tell me you're a perverted old bastard, the boys resent your favouritism. But they tell me not to worry, caz I'm a girl! But I'm not like other girls, who ask you alot of questions, who try to get on your good side. I don't bother. I treat everyone the same. You don't like that do you? Is it because I don't reciprocate?
They tell me that usually the system would try as hard as possible not to debar me. They tell me that all I need to do is send an appeal and they'll let me continue. It's not a big deal anyway. And I have medical reason.
But no! you tell me you can't accept it because I went to the doctor after the debarment. Not before! If I went before, you would have accepted it. I told you I didn't know. I told you I didn't realise it was serious. I told you that depressive disorder is a prolonged disorder. The symptoms don't last a day or two, it takes several months to manifest. I told you that that is proof for all the absence before the debarment.
But you still said the same damn thing. You can't accept medical proof after the debarment was made. What a load of crock. What a load of bullshit.
See?
I told you I had issues at home, but no, because of your stupid resentment against me, you tore my life apart.
Dad stopped talking to me AGAIN. We were good. We were improving. We were talking and joking and LAUGHING again.
AND YOU HAD TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME?
THE ONE THING THAT I YEARN FOR, MY PARENTS' APPROVAL, THEIR AFFECTION.
I love joking and laughing and teasing them.
I love that things, though unresolved, are stabilizing.
BUT YOU JUST HAD TO DESTROY THAT.
You selfish son of a dog.
I hate you.
I hope you die, lonely and unloved in an old folks' home. I hope everyone forgets you. I hope you are miserable, and yearn love but will never ever in your pathetic life ever receive any love or display of affection what so ever.
I hate you.
I hate you for taking this away from me.
I hate you for being selfish.
I hate you for being unreasonable and biased.
I hate you for destroying my future.
I hate you for doing all of these to me.
Fortunately, I expected it. I worried like crazy. It was eating me inside out. Then I faced the music. I was miserable so miserable. But I got over it. I deserved it I guess, I saw it coming. I'm doing the best I can now.
Thanks to Cass and Hokes for being there for me. I think I'm lucky to have met Hokes through Cass. He's super nice really, trying to cheer me up with Cookie Monster on webcam, dancing at AC Campfire eventhough I totally forgot the dance I learnt = dancing FAIL. Haha. And for telling me the most kickass awesome bedtime story everrr I swear it was so entertaining, at 1 am when I was having trouble sleeping in the heat and lack of air ventilation and me being afraid to open the windows and doors because I'm scared of the dark but I braved myself and did it anyway.
Lmao, Cass, Jefri, Ryan, Hokes and I were in the story involving Royalty and kingdoms, and Jellyfishes armed with Corals with deadly Neurotoxins BAHAHAHAHAHA
Does this sound familiar? Hahahaha BIF project can go and dieee really.
But thanks, everyone, I'm happy now. I'm at ease. I'm no longer taking the pills and I'm not as stressed out. I'm relaxed! And I'm trying to work as hard as I can. I am taking time off to unwind with my friends, and I am ok :)
I am NO LONGER depressed, my symptoms went away.
So I'm okay :)
And I shall be happy :)
At least Mum's still talking to me, so yes, I shall be happy :)
I shall strive to improve things at home and outside.
And
I shall
be happy :)
Thank you :)
-15963
This is us - our lives are weaved into each other. Just like our interlocking fingers.
-Jacob Chew
:) See? I used your quote, Cobby!
Ah.
They flipped.
Sigh.
Dad cut off all my electricity. I have to bathe in cold water AGAIN. For a night, I slept without a fan nor aircon nor air ventilation. IT WAS HOT AS HELL ugh. Everything I've worked for has been undone. Parents filled with disappointment.
Dad says he's not gonna pay for my school fees again.
Sigh.
Is this what you want? Huh? All because I didn't suck up to you? Everyone tells me not to worry because you have a reputation of favouring girls over boys. They tell me you're a perverted old bastard, the boys resent your favouritism. But they tell me not to worry, caz I'm a girl! But I'm not like other girls, who ask you alot of questions, who try to get on your good side. I don't bother. I treat everyone the same. You don't like that do you? Is it because I don't reciprocate?
They tell me that usually the system would try as hard as possible not to debar me. They tell me that all I need to do is send an appeal and they'll let me continue. It's not a big deal anyway. And I have medical reason.
But no! you tell me you can't accept it because I went to the doctor after the debarment. Not before! If I went before, you would have accepted it. I told you I didn't know. I told you I didn't realise it was serious. I told you that depressive disorder is a prolonged disorder. The symptoms don't last a day or two, it takes several months to manifest. I told you that that is proof for all the absence before the debarment.
But you still said the same damn thing. You can't accept medical proof after the debarment was made. What a load of crock. What a load of bullshit.
See?
I told you I had issues at home, but no, because of your stupid resentment against me, you tore my life apart.
Dad stopped talking to me AGAIN. We were good. We were improving. We were talking and joking and LAUGHING again.
AND YOU HAD TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME?
THE ONE THING THAT I YEARN FOR, MY PARENTS' APPROVAL, THEIR AFFECTION.
I love joking and laughing and teasing them.
I love that things, though unresolved, are stabilizing.
BUT YOU JUST HAD TO DESTROY THAT.
You selfish son of a dog.
I hate you.
I hope you die, lonely and unloved in an old folks' home. I hope everyone forgets you. I hope you are miserable, and yearn love but will never ever in your pathetic life ever receive any love or display of affection what so ever.
I hate you.
I hate you for taking this away from me.
I hate you for being selfish.
I hate you for being unreasonable and biased.
I hate you for destroying my future.
I hate you for doing all of these to me.
Fortunately, I expected it. I worried like crazy. It was eating me inside out. Then I faced the music. I was miserable so miserable. But I got over it. I deserved it I guess, I saw it coming. I'm doing the best I can now.
Thanks to Cass and Hokes for being there for me. I think I'm lucky to have met Hokes through Cass. He's super nice really, trying to cheer me up with Cookie Monster on webcam, dancing at AC Campfire eventhough I totally forgot the dance I learnt = dancing FAIL. Haha. And for telling me the most kickass awesome bedtime story everrr I swear it was so entertaining, at 1 am when I was having trouble sleeping in the heat and lack of air ventilation and me being afraid to open the windows and doors because I'm scared of the dark but I braved myself and did it anyway.
Lmao, Cass, Jefri, Ryan, Hokes and I were in the story involving Royalty and kingdoms, and Jellyfishes armed with Corals with deadly Neurotoxins BAHAHAHAHAHA
Does this sound familiar? Hahahaha BIF project can go and dieee really.
But thanks, everyone, I'm happy now. I'm at ease. I'm no longer taking the pills and I'm not as stressed out. I'm relaxed! And I'm trying to work as hard as I can. I am taking time off to unwind with my friends, and I am ok :)
I am NO LONGER depressed, my symptoms went away.
So I'm okay :)
And I shall be happy :)
At least Mum's still talking to me, so yes, I shall be happy :)
I shall strive to improve things at home and outside.
And
I shall
be happy :)
Thank you :)
-15963
This is us - our lives are weaved into each other. Just like our interlocking fingers.
-Jacob Chew
:) See? I used your quote, Cobby!
Labels: Bitch-mode, Elle, Hissy Fit, Mum, Quote, School, The Queen
Resolution Fail.
Friday, February 6, 2009
I'm glad to say I'm sort of improving. I don't feel sleepy anymore just, lethargic. I can't ever get rid of the lethargy, it frustrates me to no end.
My appeal against debarment failed, much to the surprise of alot of people, who also gave me false hope, but I don't blame you, I think the lecturer is really just a bias ass#@%! I think his reason for my debarment is wholly unacceptable. I don't bear grudges but I wanna learn to keep this one.
>:\
I listened to Ryan and stopped taking the pills. And I tried psycho-ing myself into the proper state of mind (happiness is a state of mind!) I think I'm less weird, and more normal-ish, but I think I still have my hiccups of weirdity.
Recently, crashed orientation in one of the JCs lol. Something happened then that made me very uncomfortable, about myself even more so. I'll not elaborate.
My BIF project is irritating me, not only were the instructions to the project so vague, it might as well be nonexistent, but I've been hearing alot of unreasonable behavior of our lecturer from the other classes. If I receive any of that shit, the lecturer is gonna be sorry.
Not that I don't have respect for lecturers, but when you're being unreasonable and stupid, well, I don't think you deserve my respect afterall. So I will question you, in a way that would not cross the line, but in a way that would fully reflect your stupidity across the lecture, and your credibility would be questioned, thus, it would be a cascade of gargantuan shame for you, echoing across the student body.
And it would serve you right.
While I resent that my life has been turned upside down, just because of this debarment, I am determined to escape the state of anxiety. I will go zen! Like a monk, and not let worldly matters affect my inner mind.
Whatever that means.
My attachment is screwed up, I've to change classes AND semesters, I can't do Redcamp and OpenHouse next year anymore, I have to repeat the stupidest module in the world just because of something stupid, and everything is turning ugly.
I feel like I'm losing my friends. My mother, oblivious to everything has ridiculously high expectations of me, my father slogging away to pay for my ridiculously expensive school fees as well as transport fees (I RESENT THAT I HAVE TO PAY ADULT FAIR WHEN I AM A STUDENT) Idiocy is prevalent around me, and sometimes I feel like the biggest idiot, and I just can't control myself nor my life anymore as it swerves uncontrollably into the abyss of doom.
I wonder what it's like to be me. I've been someone else for so long, I don't remember what it's like to be myself anymore. While I am vain enough to care what people that matters think of me, I also am proud enough to care what I think of myself, and I don't think very highly of myself (equals low self-esteem) and that bothers me too, and therefore, it is a never ending vicious cycle.
Also, besides freaky things happening to me like the aircon being turned on FOR NO APPARENT REASON, I have been hearing freaky shrilling sounds that are consistent with the movement of my arms. And only my arms. I thought it was the bed squeaking so I bounced on it to see if it was synchronized but no! It responds to my arm moving up and down, and I thoroughly freaked out. I feel scared at night caz I feel my blankets moving so I pray and pray and I brave myself to open my eyes and it stopped. So I stopped taking the pills and everything is.. normal now. Nothing has happened so far and I'd like to keep it that way. I don't know what to do with myself really. Either my brain is going crazy, or the ghost in my room is umm. Yeah. There. Although Liza's theory of wonky electronics is plausible, but considering that sometimes the aircon doesnt read my remote when I am pressing on it several times? ah.
What I am going to do, however, is study for the two modules I have left. I am not going to bother going for lectures or practicals for my debarred module, why should I? I'm going to see his stupidassed face again anyway. I'm gonna focus and score A's and this will be my last post, as I take a hiatus to study and get my life back on track.
I must also remember to meet up with JWong before 19th Feb! HE'S LEAVING ME FOR DOWN UNDER HATE HIMMM HATE HIMM :( So yes, despite exams, I shall take a day off to torment him :) Or rather give him one last chance to torment me. After exams I shall remember to read all my unread books, to watch all the movies I missed out, to hang out with friends and go indulge in Starbucks and BE HAPPY, before the horror starts all over again, I shall play games be addicted to L4D and Halo, and omg bug Hokes to L4D with him, or alone, I just need the freaking gameeee tee hee. Wow, I'm already planning how to enjoy, but for now, I shall kill my eyes with protein sequences for BIF, and study and study and mug like I'm a natural born mugger.
I will be alright.
If everything isn't alright, I damn well will make it alright.
Wish me luck!
-15896
I know my posts are long and boring, but I'm too emo to care.
P/S:
Special thanks to Timo for your kind offer in financial help :)
Special thanks to clique for not holding it against me (I hope) and being there for me while I'm a dysfunctional self-destructive emo.
Prayers for Alfred's sis who's in labour :)
Much love to Jacob and Ryan, one emo and the other having a blast in OZland -.-
My appeal against debarment failed, much to the surprise of alot of people, who also gave me false hope, but I don't blame you, I think the lecturer is really just a bias ass#@%! I think his reason for my debarment is wholly unacceptable. I don't bear grudges but I wanna learn to keep this one.
>:\
I listened to Ryan and stopped taking the pills. And I tried psycho-ing myself into the proper state of mind (happiness is a state of mind!) I think I'm less weird, and more normal-ish, but I think I still have my hiccups of weirdity.
Recently, crashed orientation in one of the JCs lol. Something happened then that made me very uncomfortable, about myself even more so. I'll not elaborate.
My BIF project is irritating me, not only were the instructions to the project so vague, it might as well be nonexistent, but I've been hearing alot of unreasonable behavior of our lecturer from the other classes. If I receive any of that shit, the lecturer is gonna be sorry.
Not that I don't have respect for lecturers, but when you're being unreasonable and stupid, well, I don't think you deserve my respect afterall. So I will question you, in a way that would not cross the line, but in a way that would fully reflect your stupidity across the lecture, and your credibility would be questioned, thus, it would be a cascade of gargantuan shame for you, echoing across the student body.
And it would serve you right.
While I resent that my life has been turned upside down, just because of this debarment, I am determined to escape the state of anxiety. I will go zen! Like a monk, and not let worldly matters affect my inner mind.
Whatever that means.
My attachment is screwed up, I've to change classes AND semesters, I can't do Redcamp and OpenHouse next year anymore, I have to repeat the stupidest module in the world just because of something stupid, and everything is turning ugly.
I feel like I'm losing my friends. My mother, oblivious to everything has ridiculously high expectations of me, my father slogging away to pay for my ridiculously expensive school fees as well as transport fees (I RESENT THAT I HAVE TO PAY ADULT FAIR WHEN I AM A STUDENT) Idiocy is prevalent around me, and sometimes I feel like the biggest idiot, and I just can't control myself nor my life anymore as it swerves uncontrollably into the abyss of doom.
I wonder what it's like to be me. I've been someone else for so long, I don't remember what it's like to be myself anymore. While I am vain enough to care what people that matters think of me, I also am proud enough to care what I think of myself, and I don't think very highly of myself (equals low self-esteem) and that bothers me too, and therefore, it is a never ending vicious cycle.
Also, besides freaky things happening to me like the aircon being turned on FOR NO APPARENT REASON, I have been hearing freaky shrilling sounds that are consistent with the movement of my arms. And only my arms. I thought it was the bed squeaking so I bounced on it to see if it was synchronized but no! It responds to my arm moving up and down, and I thoroughly freaked out. I feel scared at night caz I feel my blankets moving so I pray and pray and I brave myself to open my eyes and it stopped. So I stopped taking the pills and everything is.. normal now. Nothing has happened so far and I'd like to keep it that way. I don't know what to do with myself really. Either my brain is going crazy, or the ghost in my room is umm. Yeah. There. Although Liza's theory of wonky electronics is plausible, but considering that sometimes the aircon doesnt read my remote when I am pressing on it several times? ah.
What I am going to do, however, is study for the two modules I have left. I am not going to bother going for lectures or practicals for my debarred module, why should I? I'm going to see his stupidassed face again anyway. I'm gonna focus and score A's and this will be my last post, as I take a hiatus to study and get my life back on track.
I must also remember to meet up with JWong before 19th Feb! HE'S LEAVING ME FOR DOWN UNDER HATE HIMMM HATE HIMM :( So yes, despite exams, I shall take a day off to torment him :) Or rather give him one last chance to torment me. After exams I shall remember to read all my unread books, to watch all the movies I missed out, to hang out with friends and go indulge in Starbucks and BE HAPPY, before the horror starts all over again, I shall play games be addicted to L4D and Halo, and omg bug Hokes to L4D with him, or alone, I just need the freaking gameeee tee hee. Wow, I'm already planning how to enjoy, but for now, I shall kill my eyes with protein sequences for BIF, and study and study and mug like I'm a natural born mugger.
I will be alright.
If everything isn't alright, I damn well will make it alright.
Wish me luck!
-15896
I know my posts are long and boring, but I'm too emo to care.
P/S:
Special thanks to Timo for your kind offer in financial help :)
Special thanks to clique for not holding it against me (I hope) and being there for me while I'm a dysfunctional self-destructive emo.
Prayers for Alfred's sis who's in labour :)
Much love to Jacob and Ryan, one emo and the other having a blast in OZland -.-
Labels: Babies, Elle, Emo Nemo, Insanity, Jacob, Mum, School, The Queen
Quote
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
"You look like a gay cowboy, and you look like a gay terrorist." - James May
-not ben
-not ben
Labels: Jacob, Quote, The Anarchist
Creepy.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
I had the pillow over my eyes to block the glare of the ceiling light. The fan was blowing straight at me, my bolster on top of me and my laptop left beside me on the bed, not yet switched off.
My dad came in and saw me. He called out my name. I remain unresponsive.
He lift the pillow from my eyes and the glare made me squint.
"Khalisah, go turn off your laptop and sleep. Turn off the lights. Don't leave your laptop on like that, later catch fire then burn. Okay? Go sleep."
I flopped around in bed some more until I decided to get up. Dad had left the room. Groggily, I got out of bed and went to my parent's bedroom. I saw Dad sitting at the edge of the bed watching television. Mum was reading the Quran on the floor.
I talked to Dad abit. Then, I went back to my room and lay in bed. Covered the pillow with my eyes and hugged the sheets against my bolster. I stoned for a few mins and heard a quiet beep. I thought nothing of it.
Then I heard a different sort of airflow. It couldn't be the aircon, I didn't switch it on. My fan was blowing at my legs. I felt the temperature of the air colder against my legs. I frowned. Strange. I flopped my legs up and down. The air definitely felt cooler. Reluctantly, I lifted the pillow from my eyes to look at the aircon above me.
It was most definitely on.
I frowned again. I wondered if Dad switched the aircon on for me so I can sleep. Strange. If he did, he would've turned off the lights and fan too. And I would've heard him while stoning. Maybe I really fell asleep when I thought I was stoning.
I went out of my room and back to Dad's. To my dismay, he was still sitting at the same position and Mum too. Didn't look like he moved at all, let alone switched the aircon on for me. I asked Dad. He said, nope. I asked him if Mum did. He said, nope.
"Then who switched my aircon on?"
"Ooo..."Dad turned to look at me, his mouth an O.
"Hah. Cool I have a very caring ghost in my room."
"Don't anyhow say, later really got."
"Kakak, you pray then you scared for what? As long as you pray it's okay," Mum said, pausing from her Quran recitations.
"Aiyah you accidentally switch it on is it?"
"Noooooo my aircon remote is behind my TV!"
"I said already, if you pray then you don't need to be scared what, go pray go pray, you huh," Mum interrupted again.
I kept quiet. I haven't exactly been a good muslim. I then asked Dad if my bro did it. He said he doesn't know, and that I should go ask him. And I did. I left the room and asked my brother. At first he shook his head. So I thought, maybe he switched my aircon accidentally when he switched his one in his room on. Who knows, the remote could work through walls perhaps. So I asked my bro if he did. He wouldn't give me a straight answer. He turned his head round and round. I asked him again. He answered, 5 hours ago.
I gave up but I doubt he did because I went to my brother's room and it felt cold like the aircon had been on for awhile and not just switched on 5 mins ago.
I went back to my room and checked my aircon remote. It was on. Which means my aircon was switched on using my aircon remote.
WHICH WAS NOT DONE SO BY ME.
It was creepy as hell and I was disturbed. I turned my fan off and started mulling to myself.
2 hours ago I was googling Anxiety and Anxiety meds and Lexapro, the pills the doctor prescribed. They were linked to depressive disorders(what the other doctor diagnosed) and it was somewhat an anti-depressant. I was bummed. Dammit, I've been taking anti-depressants.
I wondered if my brain went crazy and maybe I actually really did switch the aircon on myself. I wondered if the pills had side-effects that made my brain crazy. I wondered if there was a ghost. I wondered if the ghost was nice, because it kindly switched the aircon on for me. I wondered if it's evil, if it wants me to sleep and not pray. I wondered if I was crazy again.
I should feel scared, but I'm relaxed in my room now. I wondered if the pills made me incapable of feeling much. So I can't feel fear. Or anxiety. That's what the pills are for right? I wondered if the pills also made me unable to be sufficiently angry at my brother when he was irritating me before. I wondered if I should continue taking the pills.
I see Ryan online.
Bye, I wanna talk to him now.
-15745
I am very disturbed.
My dad came in and saw me. He called out my name. I remain unresponsive.
He lift the pillow from my eyes and the glare made me squint.
"Khalisah, go turn off your laptop and sleep. Turn off the lights. Don't leave your laptop on like that, later catch fire then burn. Okay? Go sleep."
I flopped around in bed some more until I decided to get up. Dad had left the room. Groggily, I got out of bed and went to my parent's bedroom. I saw Dad sitting at the edge of the bed watching television. Mum was reading the Quran on the floor.
I talked to Dad abit. Then, I went back to my room and lay in bed. Covered the pillow with my eyes and hugged the sheets against my bolster. I stoned for a few mins and heard a quiet beep. I thought nothing of it.
Then I heard a different sort of airflow. It couldn't be the aircon, I didn't switch it on. My fan was blowing at my legs. I felt the temperature of the air colder against my legs. I frowned. Strange. I flopped my legs up and down. The air definitely felt cooler. Reluctantly, I lifted the pillow from my eyes to look at the aircon above me.
It was most definitely on.
I frowned again. I wondered if Dad switched the aircon on for me so I can sleep. Strange. If he did, he would've turned off the lights and fan too. And I would've heard him while stoning. Maybe I really fell asleep when I thought I was stoning.
I went out of my room and back to Dad's. To my dismay, he was still sitting at the same position and Mum too. Didn't look like he moved at all, let alone switched the aircon on for me. I asked Dad. He said, nope. I asked him if Mum did. He said, nope.
"Then who switched my aircon on?"
"Ooo..."Dad turned to look at me, his mouth an O.
"Hah. Cool I have a very caring ghost in my room."
"Don't anyhow say, later really got."
"Kakak, you pray then you scared for what? As long as you pray it's okay," Mum said, pausing from her Quran recitations.
"Aiyah you accidentally switch it on is it?"
"Noooooo my aircon remote is behind my TV!"
"I said already, if you pray then you don't need to be scared what, go pray go pray, you huh," Mum interrupted again.
I kept quiet. I haven't exactly been a good muslim. I then asked Dad if my bro did it. He said he doesn't know, and that I should go ask him. And I did. I left the room and asked my brother. At first he shook his head. So I thought, maybe he switched my aircon accidentally when he switched his one in his room on. Who knows, the remote could work through walls perhaps. So I asked my bro if he did. He wouldn't give me a straight answer. He turned his head round and round. I asked him again. He answered, 5 hours ago.
I gave up but I doubt he did because I went to my brother's room and it felt cold like the aircon had been on for awhile and not just switched on 5 mins ago.
I went back to my room and checked my aircon remote. It was on. Which means my aircon was switched on using my aircon remote.
WHICH WAS NOT DONE SO BY ME.
It was creepy as hell and I was disturbed. I turned my fan off and started mulling to myself.
2 hours ago I was googling Anxiety and Anxiety meds and Lexapro, the pills the doctor prescribed. They were linked to depressive disorders(what the other doctor diagnosed) and it was somewhat an anti-depressant. I was bummed. Dammit, I've been taking anti-depressants.
I wondered if my brain went crazy and maybe I actually really did switch the aircon on myself. I wondered if the pills had side-effects that made my brain crazy. I wondered if there was a ghost. I wondered if the ghost was nice, because it kindly switched the aircon on for me. I wondered if it's evil, if it wants me to sleep and not pray. I wondered if I was crazy again.
I should feel scared, but I'm relaxed in my room now. I wondered if the pills made me incapable of feeling much. So I can't feel fear. Or anxiety. That's what the pills are for right? I wondered if the pills also made me unable to be sufficiently angry at my brother when he was irritating me before. I wondered if I should continue taking the pills.
I see Ryan online.
Bye, I wanna talk to him now.
-15745
I am very disturbed.
Labels: Elle, Emo Nemo, Ghostly, Insanity, Questionable, The Queen
