I am sick.
I am coughing until my abdominal muscles hurt.
Until my throat is sore, I think I taste blood.
My nose is constantly blocked, I can't breathe.
My voice is now manly, a stark contrast to my previously high pitched voice.
I have headaches, the ones you get when you have a fever.
I am weak.


And.

I am officially tired of being sick.


I am SICK and TIRED of the headaches.
I am sick and tired of the lethargy.

I WANT TO JUMP AROUND, I want to do things, I want to have bundles of energy, limitless amount of energy to spare.

I want to be able to focus on my studies, I want to...

I want so many things, but who says we get what we want all the time?




I saw the counsellor last week.
A bloody waste of time.
A
bloody
waste
of
time.


Do not PRETEND to understand me when I know you don't.
You don't know what I want.
How can you pretend you know what I want, when I don't know what I want exactly?
I want things to be okay, but what is okay?
All I know for sure is what I don't want.

I talked to the freaking counsellor for AN HOUR. And I thought, hey, a counsellor, might as well make use of it. I don't wanna be one of those shallow people. I want to be open minded. So yes, I poured my heart and soul to you. My deepest darkest secrets that some of my closest friends don't even know.

And after it all,
you
don't
even
understand me.


YOU SUCK SO BAD.
I AM NEVER GOING FOR COUNSELLING AGAIN.

The doctor at the polyclinic, the one who diagnosed that I have depression.
HE UNDERSTOOD ME BETTER.
I almost cried because I knew he understands, and I don't want him to. Because he's a doctor. Not a psychiatrist. He referred me to a psychiatrist but I don't want to go because I don't have the money and I can't ask my parents because THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT I'M GOING THROUGH WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH.

I'm screwed up. Okay? I admit.
I am a self-destructive dysfunctional person.
I cannot think logically anymore.
The doctor says depression does that.
SCREW DEPRESSION


FROM NOW ON I AM NOT EFFING DEPRESSED.
I LOVE MY LIFE.
I LOVE MYSELF.
I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND MY FAMILY.

I don't pick at flaws, caz flaws are OKAY.
Everyone has flaws. I AM TOLERANT of flaws, I will ACCEPT YOU FLAWS AND ALL.
AND I WILL STOP FREAKING CRYING LIKE A GODDAMNED BABY.



I WILL stick to my resolutions. I WILL stick to my principles, stick to my goals.
Depression is retarded.
I always thought that people going through depression are stupid caz, awww youre so sad awww your life suck awwww you might as well die AWWWW TOO BAD. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE HAVING IT WORSE THAN YOU OUT THERE SO SUCK IT UP AND STOP BEING A PANSY.

And then now
I know why
they are retarded
caz depression is a mental retardation disorder.
depression makes you stupid
so now
I'm a retard.
be nice to me.

I'm not gonna be retarded anymore.
I am going to be FINE.

My lecturer can go and die.
"Oh it's quite serious you know. You should go get help. Bla bla bla. It's not too expensive."

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MONEY HUH?
I am in DEBT.
And I cannot let my parents KNOW.
Why?


Because I am not throwing away what I have been working for MY ENTIRE LIFE just because I'm going through this retarded disorder.


Depressive disorder my ass.

STOP DEBARRING ME.



I turn up for lessons now.
And I've started studying.
I know I'm inconsistent but when I am truly working and trying hard, CUT ME SOME SLACK AND COOPERATE WILL YA?
You are so not helping me by DEBARRING ME.


I understand my parents too well.
Only too well.
You don't think I've not tried reasoning with them? Like proper rational adults?
You can't reason with them unless you want to turn their whole world upside down.
And eventhough I hate hate hate so much what they are doing, I know they do it because they love me.
And because of that, I can never truly hate them.
And because of that..
I cannot bear to hurt them.


No matter how much you tell me it's for the better.
No matter how much it's healthier for me, for them, for my life, and their life.

I cannot do anything, that would hurt them.


Last Christmas, I tested their limits.
They hurt of course. It hurt me that they hurt.
but they're better now.
And I can't complain.



Now this issue, lies with me. With my principles. My moral values.
It's just me. Me with the retarded brain.


I'm fine now.
I'm improving.
I've stopped dating.
The guys I go out with are purely friends. And they are good friends.
I'm sorry to say I'm not close to much girls in poly except for Cass Lee.
Other girls in my clique include Sharon and Abigail.
But I'm not as close to them.
There are just some people that you feel alright to open up to and others, uncomfortable with.

I don't know.
I just don't have that many girls around me.
I have guys around me because guys are horny buggers. They like girls. So obviously, they don't mind hanging out with me.
But after that, we came to a mutual agreement.
That we will only be friends and that's it.

And that's okay.
And they happen to be good friends.

So yes, I know alot of guys, because the guys approach me. If girls approached me, I'm equally nice and friendly.
Like, in Ambassadors.
There are tonnes of awesome girls.
Ning and her fellow Year 1 gang.
Joyce and Joyce both from Ambassadors and French.
XiangWei and Hannah, my a.l. and L.
Tsk, psh, I'm okay with practically all the girls in Ambassadors.

I'm okay with the girls in my course.
I got to know a new girl, in my lab.
She's repeating a module with Eugene.
I talked to Eugene once in lab because he was my lab partner.
We hit off hilariously.
That was ages ago.
And.
Only recently have I started talking to her.
Girls are just slower and less receptive of me.
And it's normal BECAUSE THEY'RE GIRLS.
No matter how open I am to girls, I am just less approachable to them.

(This is my theory. If you have another theory, please enlighten me, so I can LEARN)



And of course, the girls that understand me, I cherish them like crazy.
I love them to bits.
I love my friends to bits.
Even though I know friends come and go.
I can't help it?
I just love all of you, even when I find you guys sometimes retarded or your flaws irks me, or you can be immature or childish.
No matter what negative opinion I have of any of my friends (because your mind can't help but judge, it's whether you act on it), I love you all the same.

I know it's hard to believe.
you might think I'm stupid this way,
but that's just the way retarded me works.

I love my friends to bits
no matter how crazy you guys drive me.

Like the way I love my parents,
no matter how much I say I hate them,
no matter how crazy they drive me too.


I just.. cherish relationships in my life.
Suuuure I pretend to be some brave strong jaded girl, like I can just drop friends if I think you're not worthy to be considered a friend,
but
I actually take very long to get over it.


On the outside, I pretend to be over it,
but
I secretly think about it every night.


It took me a year and a half to get over Hidayah.
And
to be completely honest
when she talks to me on msn
it still hurts
till now.


I'm so sorry, but
..

I'm sorry.


I'm sorry everyone.


I'm sorry for being so weird.
I really wish I wasn't.
I have my own ideals in my head.

Bear with me.

I've begun to mellow down. No clubbing since that time, no drinking, I still to this day am proud to say I don't smoke, no boys, I know my heart now, no rebelling against teachers, no rebelling against parents,

I'm fixing myself.
One step at a time.


Bear with me.


I love you.




-15670
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
-Mark Twain

Labels: Chat Log, Elle, Emo Nemo, Hissy Fit, Mum, Questionable, Quote, School, The Queen

Oh,its morning
How annoying
Just to clear the mourning
I wish there will be a bombing







Spin me around.
Again.
Fast.

Labels: Emo Nemo, Morning Madness, The King

Now,

I know I'm supposed to take my anxiety pills every morning, but I don't (teehee) BECAUSE (I wonder if I've said this before) I hate medicine.

I really do.

It's not the taste, or the swallowing or anything.
I'm perfectly fine with it.
It's the idea of taking medicine.

As far as possible, I'd like to train my antibodies and stuff.
Like, make them uber strong to defeat anything ill causing.
And if I need medicine like antibiotics to get well, then alright I'll take it, caz you know, antibiotics to fight the bacteria and stuff.

BUT PAINKILLERS?
Nevah. I'll live with the pain.
And oh my god, anxiety pills?

That's twice as retarded.
I mean I only eat it caz it cost me 70 forking bucks. So yeah, I don't wanna throw 70 bucks away.
But as far as possible, I'm gonna PSYCHO myself into being NOT anxious and PSYCHO myself into sleeping right.

Which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't, but it definitely takes a whole lot of my energy.
It zaps me of everything seriously. I try sooo hard, that I barely have the energy to do anything else.




I know, I know.
But yes, I am a fan of Pon and Zi and Jeff Thomas (the guy who drew them)
And there's a very tragic story behind him but now he's finally going back to an awesome art school and omg I FEEL IRRATIONALLY HAPPY FOR HIM.

Like, if I had friends who went through shit, and finally, life rights itself again for them, I'd sincerely be retardedly happy for them, but Jeff Thomas is like, some dude, that I've never met nor conversed with. But I feel happy for him.
Strange.

And the Pon and Zi pic above made me smile :)




ANYWAY, people around when have been commenting about my behavior WHICH I FIND STRANGE, because I feel fine. Really. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking or just too lazy to make facial expressions or my usual retarded verbal vomit, but that's just because trying to stay awake zaps my energy, so I become extra lazy even with the smallest things. Including smiling. So no, I'm not sad, or depressed OR WHATEVER SHIT, I'm fine.

You know, when you have to stay up all night to finish something really important, like how your body just wants to sleep so badly, but you're awake because the sheer importance of what you have to finish keeps you from sleeping, so your eyes are open?
You know that feeling?

I feel like that every single day.
In bright sunny daylight.
I feel like I'm keeping myself awake.

It's not hard. But it's not easy either.




And it's also kinda strange how all my friends realised how weird I've become and not my family.
Strange.


And I've decided I never really changed when it comes to tutoring kids.
Kids make me feel so... right.
Like I'm doing what I have to do, and it's right and it's okay, and I stop feeling sleepy and my headaches stop and I'm not as ultra lethargic as I was.

I realised I digress alot and talk in circles, but that sufficiently illustrates how my train of thought is moving.
:/
Anyhoo,
the Chinese New Year madness is here,
so GONG XI FA CAI everyone! :D



-15590


OMGGGG I REMEMBER WHAT I WANTED TO BLOG ABOUT INITIALLYYYY.

hehehehehehe



I went shopping yesterday, with my bro and my mum to shop for CNY clothes fo my bro. I KNOW. SUPER last minute. But that's typical of my brother.

Now, my brother is a dweeb who has the inability to say what he really thinks.
So when he really likes something, he just shrugs.
When he hates something, he keeps quiet, or just turn away.

So I don't know why, but Mum hasn't figured this out. It seems only I can really read my family well enough.
So, every year, I complain to Mum about how atrocious my bro's sense of fashion is. It's embarrassing.

Seriously, if he doesn't look like a Karang Guni, he would look like an impoverished Kampung Boy. Singaporeans should know what those mean. Non-singaporeans, go google it or ask your Sg friends.
:D


So, I speed shopped, and told my bro to follow me.
And surprisingly, he really did.
He tried on everything I told him to. And I had to read his face to tell if he likes it or secretly hate it.

And it was a major success, I pried it out of him to say, "YES I REALLY LIKE THIS ONE."
He got himself this dark grey shirt, which he can choose to button up, or wear it over a dark dull maroon-ish red tee or an off-white tee which I paid for as a birthday present for him (it's his birthday tomorrow).
Wheee!

HE FINALLY LOOKS PRESENTABLE.

And I like the off-white one caz it has a sketch of headphones and stuff around the neck of the tee, which I thought was cool, if they had a girl one, I wouldve bought it. Tsk.

Mum was against it, she thought it wasn't worth the price, but my bro was stumbling over himself to try to get Mum to buy both until I offered to pay for the white one as a gift from me.
Mum still wasn't happy.


Yay!
This year, my bro is gonna look like he's celebrating an event. Not just gracing it with his boring oversized one-coloured polo tees and jeans.

I'm so happy !

:')





-15590
Words aren't ever sufficient. You gotta look at the eyes. The eyes never lie.

Labels: Brother, Elle, Emo Nemo, New Year, Photo Log, Random Mandoms, The Queen

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
So far away from where you are
Standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here.

Labels: The King

lawl joey



-15495
I'm fine.

Labels: Elle, Joke, Random Mandoms, The Queen, Videos, Welcome me

So great.

Lemme update yous.




I have been debarred from one of my modules for my poor attendance.
And close to being debarred from the rest.
I told them I can't wake up. I seriously can't.
DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SEVERITY OF MY INCAPABILITY OF WAKING UP?

I cannot wake up.
Simple.
My radio alarm would be loud enough to wake the entire family at 6 am, until they got up and started walking around disoriented before banging on my door to tell me to shut the damned thing, and I WOULD BE COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS.

I put my handphone, with the loudest and noisiest metal song I have, set with vibration and all, to wake me up EVENTHOUGH I have my loudass radio alarm already.
But no, I sleep through like the dead, even with my phone ringing and buzzing on my face, with my mum banging on the door, with the radio alarm blaring away.

I.
Cannot.
Wake.
Up.


Until my eyes decides to open.


WHICH part of that do you not understand?



I missed so many lessons because I sleep nonstop and only wake up at like 12 or 1. And stumble my way to school. And sometimes, school ends at 3 pm so why in the world would I go to school for 30 mins of lessons? (I take 1.5 hours to get to school)



I went to the first doctor-
ugh
i dont even feel like typing or blogging now
iwannasleep
andit's only 9.11pm
tsk



UGH i have to do this or my blog will die.im so tired bodoh.


ANYWAY

I went with best fwen to a private doctor. He told me that I am an insomniac.
And now my brain is entering a compensatory state. Which is why I suddenly sleep so much.
And how I should NEVER sleep in the day while he is resetting my (insert scientific name) in my brain. He gave me some pills, anxiety pills, and told me to take one type every morning and one type every night.


AND IT COST ME 70 BUCKS.
ARE YOU CRAZY I DONT HAVE 70 BUCKS.
Now I owe best fwen 70 bucks because she helped me pay for it.

I WOULD SO SCREAM VULGARITIES RIGHT NOW IF NOT FOR MY NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS.



stupid expensive anxiety pills.
I dont even see how I'm in a state of anxiety.
Am I anxious, people?
Huh?
AM I?
I'm so pissed.



So, I asked him for a letter to verify that I do have an existing sleeping disorder, good lord SURE I LIED ABOUT IT.
NO REALLY,
I actually have a good night's sleep everynight, I just don't come for classes because I love being a rebel and failing is my ultimate goal in life.

GIVE ME A BREAK GOOD LORD.

and the doctor refuses to write one because he says it's dangerous and can be used against me in the court of law.
Like.
okay.
whatever.


He gave me 3 days MC and wrote Sleep Disorder in it. I was satisfied.
My lecturer wasn't.
"I need a letter of verification bla bla bla"
OH WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEEEEEEEEEED GOD

Debarment is a stupid assed policy,
IF I DONT WANNA COME TO SCHOOL AND IM STILL SMART ENOUGH TO PASS MY EXAMS THEN YOU SHOULD LEAVEEE MEEEE ALONEEEEE.
I'm the one paying you money for my education right? SO WHY IS MY ATTENDANCE A BIG FAT ISSUE RAWR.


So, he tells me to go see a polyclinic, it's cheaper (but I generally have bad impression of GPs in polyclinics, because they are always so uncaring. meh)
And okay so I went there,
waited for HOURS,
wasted more money.


And the doctor was surprisingly nice and creepy too.
He stares at me and smile. Without saying anything.
HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M A FREAK.
And when I tell him stuff, he looks at me as if he could see deep into my soul and I was so uncomfortable around him.

It got so bad that when I was done talking and he's still staring at me, I went,"What???"
And all he did was smiled and wrote a whole lot of shit into my file of which I couldn't decipher because his handwriting was so illegible(why is this typical of doctors?) it looked like he was writing in Tamil.

And he was so hesitant about asking me questions too.
I think, he's like afraid of me.
Like if he says the most dangerous words ," You. Are. Suffering. From. Depression."
I'll turn into a nasty green hulk and eat him.

-.-


And so I told him abit of my family problems, because he's a doctor not a shrink (AND OMG I AM FORCED TO SEE A COUNSELLOR IN SCHOOL WTFWTFWTFTWF I SO TOTALLY OBJECT)

He even asked me if my lecturer was interested in me.
WHAT THE FORK SPOON KNIFE?
and I'm like "Ew? No?!"
And he asked, "How old is your lecturer?"
and i was like," I have no idea, he's old?"
LAWL people LAWL.

He keeps going hmmm..
and looking at me, weirdly, like observing me.
Sometimes, it's like the way best fwen looks at me when she thinks I'm acting like a nutcase.


OKAY FINE, BEST FWEN, YOU WIN.
I'm suffering from depression
WOOO I'm one of those emo morons, tsk.


And and and he said he would write a letter to my lecturer to tell him what he thinks, but he won't verify the sleeping disorder.
LIKE
OH MY GOD.


IF YOU AGREE WITH ME THAT I HAVE ISSUES SLEEPING AND WAKING UP WHY CANT YOU BLOODY WRITE THE DAMN LETTER PUT ME OUTTA MY MISERY SO I WONT GET SO IRRITATED ABOUT BEING DEBARRED MAKING MY LIFE WITH MY PARENTS ALL THE MORE HORRIBLE.


Here's what the nice but creepy doctor wrote.
(Yes, I opened the envelope and read it eventhough it's for my lecturer. Bite me.)


"...she has symptoms of poor appetite, lethargy, somnolence (?) and anieclonia(?). she is most likely to have depressive disorder. We have offered her a referral to the psychiatrist but due to financial difficulties, she has declined it. It seems that her depression stems from problems @ home. When asked for more details, she declined to revealmore. Please feel free to let us know how else to help Khalisah."

(I tried my best to decipher his handwriting)

The doctor also tells me not to take those anxiety pills, because I don't look anxious to him.
But, maybe that's because I already took one in the morning.
And he was like,"Don't take la... This is for anxiety..."

And essentially, he never really did help me much solve my issues.
GRREEAAATTT.


But he was actually very nice.
So nice that he makes me wanna cry.
And I almost cried again when I talked to him.
To that he said,"What's that?"
"What's what?"
"Are those tears?"
"NOOOOOoooo...?"

And he just smiled and stared and nodded his head and wrote more shit into my file.


>:(


I don't know how to get rid the crying in public syndrome.
I cried at the brownie stall when Ryan was being an ass in his texts, and when James Morrison was playing on the speakers.
Nobody saw me though, I ran to the toilet to do my make up.

Hehe I'm so pro.


I also cried in front of Sam and Raphael and Sean, embarrassing as hell. I can't stand it, I cried after reading this really sad article in NP tribune.

I cried when I told my lecturer about my issues with my family.

I almost cried in the bus and train.
I almost cried when I feel so alone.


And everytime the urge to cry comes, I would feel tremendous shock and disgust.


BECAUSE I AM NOT A CRY IN PUBLIC PERSON
ew
ew
ew
ew
ew
ew
ew
ew
ew



you cannot believe how much I am so ugh-ing about the way I am now.



So I pretty much wasted alot of time, money and energy.
And my life
is crumbling
like a cookie.
wheeeee.




-15491
I join Facebook groups for their funky names. If you start a group with the previous sentence, I will sue you.

Labels: Chat Log, Elle, Emo Nemo, Hissy Fit, Questionable, School, The Queen

Dear witnesses, I will be gone for a good week so you'll be stuck with the other two. Good luck!







-not adrian

Labels: Jacob, The Anarchist

"Dear Walter,

Why is that I gag when I brush my tongue, but not when I go down on my boyfriend?"



Walter: "Well... Your toothbrush is bigger."






-not walter

Labels: Jacob, Quote, The Anarchist

(I think Audrey Hepburn is gorgeous. But this is just me being random.)


So, I haven't been blogging because I simply don't have the mood to blog, but that's also due to the fact that I don't even have the time. Which, by the way, is something I RESENT GREATLY, because 2 years back, I always have time for anything. I was so freaking free. I was so free I could lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and muse about life's philosophies and get up hours later for dinner and then proceed to watch TV. THEN, when inspiration finally strikes, I'd blog about the most hilarious and entertaining incident, which led to my blog receiving a fair amount of readers.


Sadly to say, due to time constraints, I no longer have that luxury, my readers grew bored of me,(also due to the fact that Ryan started changing my blog webbie around, but I love him anyway), my blog is now close to dead.


Nevertheless, I shall muse a little more.



Open House had just ended a few days back, and I'm feeling slightly ill, perhaps because I've been working too hard. Over exertion when you spent the entire day on your feet, walking up and down the slopes in the humongous campus of your institution, talking non-stop to visitors, answering their queries as well as providing them more information about the school.

Which I thought was the coolest shizzle ever, because I loved it, PR is always fun and interesting, you meet a variety of personalities, you give them your warmest smile, and your sincerest answers to their questions. And when they smile back, or seemed pleased at such a wonderful reception and the warm service, IT MAKES YOU FEEL SO DARN GOOD.

And no matter how much a bitch the visitor(s) can get, it doesn't matter, because I will always be the nicest person in the world when I'm wearing my golden name tag and black Ambassador's shirt.

AND THAT IS HOW EVERYBODY IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY SHOULD BE.
God,
you guys really suck at this.
Sheesh, I seriously should take over all your lousy jobs, because there is just too many people giving bad service around here.




ANYWAY,

after the entire 3 days, the graduating Year 3s, gave really touching speeches, because the Open House would be the last major school event they would ever participate in as Ambassadors.

And I cried like a kuku.

:'(



IT'S SO SADDDD really, I'm gonna miss them so dearly, they were so awesome. And I already felt the pang of pain and sadness for my graduation next year, I DON'T WANNA LEAVE AMBASSADORS EVER DAMMIT.


:(





Besides that,
I had a really really nostalgic and heartwarming time with the girls from Crescent.

I MISSED THEM SO, and it's amazing how you meet up with friends you've not seen for 2 years only to find they've suddenly bloomed into such gorgeous people.
And then I realised how flat chested I am, and how I'm lacking an ass, how I resemble a ruler and how they all have boobs except me.


Which I find grossly unfair, because I am a womanly woman! I deserve boobies too! But it's just as well, perhaps this helps me sieve out horny guys who wouldn't love me for me and just my boobies.


They all went curvy and sexy and pretty on me, while my head is still flat, so is my chest and bum, my hair too fine, my face blunt, eyes small, nose button-y.

And psh, I know I don't look that bad, I like to think I have adequate self-esteem, but seriously, I can look so hideous without make-up, contact lenses and thank god braces straightened out my teeth.

Here are some pictures to amuse you.
I'm the one in grey tank and black skinnies. Observe my nonexistent T&A and my skinny twig-like limbs.











I don't know why we camwhore in toilets (only pretty ones btw) but all I know is that it's a girl thing.




-15307
I love how you make me smile.




P/S: The previous post was hilarious hahaha I laughed out loud :D I'm so sorry but I was typing with my eyes closed to Ryan. That was the night of the last day of Open House and I was exhausted. I'm so funny xD

Labels: Elle, Photo Log, School, The Queen

Just for wtfs.

Breathe says (2:10 AM):
nkjh

ry says (2:10 AM):
omg

Breathe says (2:10 AM):
sy

ry says (2:10 AM):
YOURE ALIVEEE

Breathe says (2:10 AM):
sry

ry says (2:10 AM):
WAIT LEMME JUST FINISH THIS

Breathe says (2:10 AM):
fell alseepf

ry says (2:11 AM):
DONE
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODNIGHT :D

Breathe says (2:11 AM):
lmao
omh
money wastes
d

ry says (2:11 AM):
I WANTED YOU TO WAKE UPPPPP

Breathe says (2:11 AM):
amd i lvve u, cant taje it anymore

Breathe says (2:12 AM):
godinght

ry says (2:12 AM):
BAHAHAHA
nighttt
i love you

Breathe says (2:12 AM):
lmao dmot laugh mighyts
<3

ry says (2:12 AM):
i dont know what the fuck youre saying
BUT OKAYYYY

Breathe (sleeping) says (2:13 AM):
NIGHTSS
lmo <3
zz

ry says (2:13 AM):
i still dont
but goodnight

Khalisah Tan has officially gone idle on me a million bajillion times.
Fell asleep hugging her laptop too.
And now, I get jibberish from her.
What's next, woman?

Labels: Chat Log, Random Mandoms, The King

Hands that reach up, pretending to grab a star.
Or at least to touch one.
It's the high you give, the hope I live for.
As the light seeps through my fingers, the tears cry “Freedom”
For all I can do is wish.
I wish on the star to give itself to you.
Just as you are a star that's been given to me.
It is your light that keeps me aware.
Aware that your warmth is true.
It is your warmth that melts my heart.
Melts the heart into a peaceful stream.
And air seems obsolete.
For you fill my lungs with something more pure than the air we breathe.
It's purity lined with sweet serenity.
Like the light of the stars, your love is just as pure and beautiful.




-not susan

Labels: Jacob, Paperbag

bothered..

yet kinda settled..

yet kindaaa fjvnfjdvnhjv.

and well yeaaah,

i don't know what its about.

how do you fix a problem when you don't know what's bothering you?

Labels: The King

I forgot to add in The List of Shit about my Grandma being admitted into hospital for mild stroke. So well yeah, TOLD YOU 08 WAS SHITTY, CAN?



#3 The List of Awesome Things in 08

1) Getting off braces and on retainers

:D I am officially less geeky looking.


2) Getting the title "Letter of The Day" in the Newpaper for one of my letters sent in.

Hey, I'm sorry, but fame makes me feel good. PFFFFT.


3) Watched a movie with my adorable cousins.

They are all young and adorable and incredibly intelligent for their age. Although, blessed with intelligence, that makes them stand out in the crowd. And hyperactive too haha, LOVE them especially when Amani jumped in shock while watching the Spiderwick Chronicles. Lmao, I find that incredibly endearing.


4) Getting an A for French after getting a D in the previous sem.

Which just goes to show how awesome Karen Thibault is. Oh she's my current French teacher. She's hilarious :D


5) Being the first Student Leader selected by Mr Chang to go to Langkawi for free.

After a very strange interview, of course.


6) Going to Langkawi itself.

I cannot begin to describe how awesome it was. It's like, the best, experience, I have ever had, in my entire life, ever.
:) I GOT TO DIVE, WITH SCHOOLS OF FISHES AROUND ME. AND TOUCH CORALS AND SEAWEEDS-
now, seriously, believe me when I say awesome.


7) Getting contacts.

SOOOO much more less geeky. I actually look normal now.


8) Fish vomitting babies on my hands.

I've blogged about this before. It's embarrassing and not exactly awesome. But it sure is memorable :)


9) Participating in the skit for PolyXperience in NP.

Acting in front of about a thousand students. Multiple times for different batches of students. :D Scary but absolutely exhilarating. And my other skit members were hilarious lmao. Loved every second of it, eventhough I forgot my lines once (but no one noticed hehe).


10) The Singapore Fireworks Festival

Got tickets to see it from Josh the ever awesome. :D:D:D:D I freaking love fireworks. Eventhough it pollutes the air after, but I still love it to bitssss :)


11) Successfully crashed coursed with a very weak Pri. 6 student. He managed to pass PSLE in the end.

To every question I asked, he answered,"Mas Selamat."
Mas Selamat is so dead if I ever see him.


12) The fun I had in every camp or big event in NP

What can I say? My friends are awesome.


13) Debate Interpoly's

I liked that we did better this year :) And that our speaker points are pretty high. Eventhough we didn't do as well as I thought we could. (For those who know, yes, I am ignoring it. Hehe.)
>.>


14) Halloween + Nikk's Birthday + Stayover at Adam's place with Ben

Awesome two days, hilarious near death experiences, Sean completely losing it, shaking my ass, freaking Sean's doggy, Buddy out, laughing/ freaking out about a tranny in the bar, listening to Cats in the Cradle (?) some funky band who won Live The Dream I think, watching Nikk dance with a stranger (part of the birthday surprise), freaking out about ghosts in Adam's house, snacking and late night instant noodles. :D Should totally do it again xD


15) My birthday surprise

When your awesome friends surprise you with a huge ass brownie-cake with your name on it and being so thoughtful as to come bearing gifts, you can't help but love them. :)


16) Going to KL/ Malacca with family

I have yet to blog about this, lmao, it's so hilarious really.
The aboriginals in Malacca went," Babababababa eeeeeeeeee!!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA


17) Christmas parties + Group 1 Potluck

Heartwarming :) Not to mention, Shanya's dog is hilariously cute hahaha.


18) Occaionally meeting up with Cass/ XT/ Sheryan/ Fasihah/ Teri/ Oggy

Because I miss them so!




I know the list is pretty short compared to The List of Shit but honestly? these 18 things gave me enough happy juice to last me the entire year full of all 50 shits on The List of Shit.

And I am immensely grateful :)





#4 The List of Resolutions for 09

1) Complete every assignment and hand it in on time.
2) Be punctual for every lesson. And not skip any AT ALL.
3) Eat healthy. Less MOS creamer. Less Starbucks. More fruits and veggies.
4) Exercise. Sign up for at least one dance class. The lack of sense of rhythm and drunken dancing is appalling.
5) Earn money.
6) Save money. At least $50 bucks every month.
7) Vacuum the house and do the laundry every weekend.
8) Clean room every alternate weekend.
9) Organise notes every weekend
10) Study for finals everyday for at least a month before the exam.
11) Read the news at least once a week.
12) Listen in lectures. DO NOT SLEEP. DROWN IN COFFEE IF YOU HAVE TO.
13) Wear retainers often.
14) Less facebooking.
15) Less lying.
16) STRICTLY NO VULGARITIES.
17) Sleep at 12 mn everynight. Latest 1am if there's work to finish.
18) Be more tolerant.
19) Smile more, be nice, have more random conversations with strangers.
20) Print notes regularly.
21) Help brother with literature.
22) Attempt to start talking to Jacob.
23) Text Ryan less (expensive lah)
24) No fizzy drinks.
25) Read finish the Quran's translated text.
26) Read the bible too. (I'm curious, shut up.)(And how do I get a bible in the first place? Ah.)
27) Understand more about Buddhism and etc etc.
28) Drink more water. Bring a bottle of water to school too.
29) Emo less and read more.
30) Stick to your resolutions


:)
That should be enough for today.




-15122
Remember when we never had to remember when times were better than this

Labels: Elle, Lists, New Year, The Queen

If you feel like running today
You know I’d understand
You don’t but you long

It’s easier to get away
When on the other hand
You know I’m not much better without you
I’m like your victim and all that you need is an alibi
Its one thing about you
I don’t wanna make you cry

Damn girl
Dry your eyes
You stole my heart and then you kicked it aside
No girl you can’t see
When he’s inside you know there’s no room for me

If you can take a chance
Find you that better man
A life seize from your quick disease
You’re giving all my loving away
Tell me to understand
Cuz you know
I’m not much better without you
Ill press your lips and I taste everyone that you’ve had tonight
Its one thing about you
I don’t wanna taste tonight

Damn girl
Dry your eyes
You stole my heart and then you kicked it aside
No girl you can’t see
When he’s inside you know there’s no room for me
And I used to think that I was all you would need

If you feel like running today you know I’d understand.

Labels: Music, ryan pwns asses, The King

The door was always open
But still not nearly enough to let me in
and my eyes are wide awake,
And i can see you clearly, but you don't stand out one bit.
I was always loud enough just for you to hear me
You never caught the wind
Now watch me break
Breakdown this time, this time again

But I don't know the way out of this mess
No, I don't know the way out of this mess
And if you would've seen me at my best
Would it have changed anything at all?

And I'm still waiting for a sign
Or just a win-win situation
Can I hear it one more time?
Without the sound of devastation setting in

Your initial reply hit me undercover
When I lost my head to it
It was out of its time, it was undiscovered
When you let me in
Oh, won't you let me in?

Labels: Music, ryan pwns asses, The King

So,

I'm kinda feeling less numb. I actually feel frustrated! Hurrah!
But.
I'm feeling frustrated because I am lacking the right emotional response to the things going on around me.
Or rather, the lack of emotional response to the shit I have to deal with.


I don't know, I feel so dead when I can't feel anything. If I'm angry, or sad, or hurt, or infatuated, or whatever, it makes me feel alive that I'm feeling something! Even when I'm emo-ing, I feel like I'm human. I can feel. Which is why I get frustrated when I get incapable of liking guys proper. I feel like I'm not human. Or dead. Or lesbian. And then I don't like girls. So I feel asexual. Or maybe cyborg-y. Or something.

Now, I just feel... okay. Like, there's nothing much to feel.
So I just stone.




RAWR FEEL SOMETHING DAMMIT.





Let's make lists, I kinda love listing, because when you list the negative things down, like on paper (or in this case, on html) you realise that you don't really have as much shit as you thought you did.



I kinda also wanna make a list of people and things I should appreciate that happened this year. But errr, someone kinda did that already on facebook. And I feel so cliche doing the same thing. But I'm gonna do it anyway eventhough this post is gonna automatically go up on facebook as a note.



THE LIST of LISTS

1) The List of Shit in 08
2) The List of Awesome People in 08
3) The List of Awesome Things in 08
4) The List of Resolutions for 09
5) The List of Regrets in 08 NO REGRETS, BEBEH!
5) The List of Things Not Appreciated Until They Are Taken From Me
6) The List of YouTube Videos I Like


Okay people! LET THE LISTING BEGIN!







#1 The List of Shit in 08

1) Having stys in my eyes in the beginning of the year
2) Being bitched about.
3) Putting up with offensive implications in casual criminatory statements regarding my faith in religion by idiot Dandelion Monster.
4) Killing mice.
5) Killing 10 day old chicken embryos and dismembering half formed body parts- I shall cease.
6) Dad and Mum having Pneumonia. And later, Dad having TB.
7) Losing Hidayah.
8) Losing Asrul. Now that I know he's a judgmental puritanical tight ass.
9) Being irritated by Smiley Face (a lecturer)
10) Being in a stinking Aquaculture lab
11) Having multiple progressive dates. At the same time.
12) Juggling so many external commitments
13) Being a third party in a relationship.
14) Being a horrible shitty assed Muslim
15) Dealing with stupid Nokia and my spastic but new handphone
16) Getting a facking low GPA when I totally expected an improvement.
17) Constantly fighting with Mum through out the year. Constantly giving in anyway.
18) Of which was not of any significance to a pair of ungrateful parents.
19) Getting a D for French
20) Getting alot of Ds for my core modules
21) Owing people money on and off
22) I&E is the SHIT.
23) Organizing celebration of Best Fwen's birthday late and being judged about it.
24) Drifting from Best Fwen after she gets new boyfwen.
25) Drifting from clique because they got freaking annoying.
26) Feeling vaguely unappreciated after helping out at BBZ's wedding.
27) Not attending any PostRC5 Activities thus far.
28) Drifting from Ryan.
29) Bedtime gets increasingly late as stress level increases. From 12mn, to 1.30 am to 2.30 am to 3.30 am to 5 am.
30) Sleeping at 4-5 am for 2 weeks due to insomnia of some sorts.
31) Being woken up to Mum's scoldings for a week at 6 am every morning.
32) Being constantly put down by Mum the entire year.
33) Receiving no support at all from Dad.
34) Reduced to lying to leave the house to get some life.
35) Constant random tearing for a week before Christmas.
36) Broke down on Christmas and walked away from home. Drama at Aunt's house. Falling out with Parents.
37) Shedding more tears than the amount shed in the past 3 years put together.
38) Dad refusing to look or talk to me or acknowledge my presence whatsoever.
39) Dad taking away my hp for his personal use and also as punishment for almost running away.
40) Me having to now fund my own hp bills and finding/ applying for my own new phone.
41) Mum giving in, but I know she still doesn't completely understand. Oh well.
42) Falling out with Todd.
43) Falling out with Jacob.
44) Having huge hideous eyebags and bad skin due to lack of sleep and hydration.
45) Still skinny, lanky and stick-like. T&A remain non-existent. Unhealthy, weak, lethargic.
46) Doing 85 slides solo with little help. Stupid-assed project. I hate Christmas.
47) Being pushed away from Islam thanks to Mum's constant judgmental offensive statements about the rest of the world and me being not religious enough.
48) Going through so much and still not knowing who I am. And who I want to be.
49) Doing things that contradicts against my own principles. Shame.
50) Being so upset, I turned into a cynical and bitchy person in general.



Oooookay.
I realised that,
that's
alot
of
shit.


At least I'm not depressed now or anything.




#2 The List of Awesome People in 08
(In alphabetical order)

Alfred aka The Crazy Bitch

We've grown closer in 08 than 07 and thank you, for being you. :) Thank you for being my friend, ready to lend a listening ear when I rant. Thank you for understanding me and accepting me regardless of my many really deplorable flaws. Thank you for the stupid hilarious moments. Thank you for making me laugh so hard at the silliest things. Thank for being there for me. Thank you for bobbing your head like the idiot pigeon in Bolt. Thank for being another person I can be a total retard with :D Thank you for being my high :)


Cass Lee aka Best Fwen

We too have grown closer in 08 than 07. You've been an awesome best fwen, you totally know my train of thought, we end up predicting what we're gonna say next, or end up saying the exact same thing and go, "eeeee, why you copy me?!" Hahaha, you make me laugh at stupid things and sometimes nothing at all. You're smart and efficient and we know we can trust each other's standards when it comes to work. I love going over to your place to play with Kiao Kiao who is truly uber adorable. Even if sometimes, I feel you drifting away into the arms of your mushy head boyfwen, you still find time to juggle me into your life, and I guess it must not have been easy for you, and I try to understand, but thank you for being the one always on the same wavelength as me. Love you, best fwennn xD


Cass Ng aka The BFF

We've been spending very little time together the past 2 years because of school and commitments and all but you still manage to find time to meet up with me, we still manage to talk like we've never been apart everytime we meet. You've been the constant in my life, the conscience to my intentions, the chocolate to my chips, the banana to my split. :D I admire you, you who hold fast to your principles when I can't. You who strongly believe in what you think is right and holds steadfast to that belief. You, the non-conformist, the girl who is extraordinary and different. Far from typical. You're beautiful, smart and talented and you've been there for me till today. Even when you can't be there, or happen to not be, I know that you'll be supporting me and your presence remains :) Thank you for the huge value you see in our friendship. Thank you for being so wonderful. Thank you for being you. I love you, fats and glycerol and all :)


Friends From Ambassadors

You know who you are. You know how you've touched my life with your stupid hilarious crazy antics. How much fun have I had in 08 being more bonded with you guys, talking about absolute rubbish and doing all sorts of nonsense in the Ambassador Room. Being in big events and working with wonderful people like you guys made me life so much more colourful and fun. How stress-free and carefree you guys are, ever so high and awfully nice. You guys are retarded and hyper and crazy and just a riot to be with. You make me laugh till I wanna pee, you make me appreciate simple things, you make me enjoy going wild together, with faux attitude and crazy cheers and dances. You light up my life :)


Friends From Debate

From constantly tormenting me about old blunders to having hilariously perverted conversations to arguing and debating to racist jokes. You guys have been awesome and hilarious, bitching about irrelevant harmless things, razzing each other about scandals, teasing and laughing and wasting some trainings at MacDs having a ball of fun and laughter. Constantly challenging me with wit and sarcasm, sitting on your high pedestal of being Mass Commers, a pedestal I do not and will not recognise ever. Except for Joey, the naturally bitchy male one, who found love and romance before I did. You shall pay for that. Thank you for the amazing times during training and the memorable times together in competition. You are the reason I enjoy and love my CCA so :)


Jacob aka The Anarchist aka Paperbag aka Cobby aka He-Who's-Done-With-Me

You've been there for me for years, perhaps in the beginning just someone to laugh at or argue with about silly things, you constantly challenge me with your deep and profound wit. I admire you for being so absolutely different from the rest of Singaporean guys, for being intelligent and mature, for being patient with me when I wasn't, for your gift of words, for your talent in poetry, for your love of photography, for your uber cute dog, Piper, for your wisecracks and witty remarks, for you silly analogies and crazy parallels, for your out-of-the box similes and metaphors, for wanting to headbutt people or elbow their faces or stabbing them with a tumor in the eye, for being there for me, for wanting to help, even though you have no obligation to. We've never met, but it doesn't bother me, for through words, you're one of those who shaped my life, widened my perspectives, giving me insight and showing me when I'm being stupid eventhough sometimes it's not palatable, like tough love. You've been guiding me, being the older brother I never had, and even if you have washed your hands off me, I just want to say that all those times were not gone to waste. I do appreciate you and all you have done for me and I do love you, regardless. Thank you for making me burst out laughing uncontrollably at the computer screen, for our favourite song by Lionel Ritchie, Hello (Is it me you're looking for?). Thank you for what you've given me, more than you know. I do love and I hope that life'd be good unto you and may you be happy wherever you are always. <3


Joshua Tan aka JTan aka The One Who Saved Me From A Ghost Eventhough He Was In China

You freaky boy, ever so caring and kind and understanding, and always ready to be there for me. You, my dear, are a wonderful friend, and a wonderful retard, for which another retard will one day realise how wonderful you are and start proposing to you like your whole bunch of oldies fanclub calling you now. :D Thank you for being there for me to bitch rant on, and thank you for being my punching bag or my teddy bear, whichever suits my mood. Lmao. Thank you for skyping with me at 3 am in the morning, when I was freaking out about some wailing sound, eventhough you were all the way in freaking China. Thank you for being my friend and accepting me even though I must be so irritating and annoying and whiny, thank you for being you and totally awesome :)


Keann Chong aka Mutant Clone Freaky Twin Boy

Keann love, the new overnight best friend. I've known your existence for awhile but we never really talked, until msn revealed our eerily similar personalities. Your Halloween costume was so creatively memorable :) Youuu my boy, are gonna make some girl really happy someday, BECAUSE I SAY SO, :D and because you're awesome and wonderful, you go to crazy great lengths for a friend you got close to only since a coupla days, you listened to me whine in the dead of the night, and when I cried like a big pathetic baby over the phone. You have a wonderful personality and omg, you know what I realised today? You're freaking cute, no seriously, go get contacts and youre good to go :D Neverrrr say youre not physically on par, because you do have your own appeal and girls must be blinddd, you remind me of the actor my friend was so hung up on, the korean actor... Lee Jun Ki? Or something, but whatever, you're a freaking fabulousssss person to be so patient with my shit and thank you so much for today, for long talk, and the drawing and the hugs that I so badly needed. You are awesome, so IT'S ALLLL GOOOOD xD


Ryan Taylor aka The King aka Random White Pao Ass aka Lovely Boy

You, my love, don't need anything mentioned on this blog because I wrote you a freaking long NYE email already. Lmao. I love you <333 truckloads :) Don't stop making me smile, milky ass, I'll get a phone soon <3


Relatives

I need to thank my aunts, for all the advice and perspectives of a parent, thank you for your support, help and advice. Thank you for helping me understand my parents more. With understanding, I can cope better, but it doesn't make what they're doing any less wrong. Nevertheless, I thank God I have you guys, because I would not know who else to turn to, family is of great importance to me and thank you for helping me realise that. Thanks to my cousins too and my cousin who stayed over with me when I was afraid of my father. Thank you for the love, kindness and understanding, even when my parents are so retarded to you, thank you for your patience with our shit. I'm glad to have you as family <3





And I shall continue with my lists tmr caz I AM TIRED.
Goodnight.



-15060
For this is important.

Labels: Elle, Lists, New Year, The Queen

Breathe hard because the pounding won't relent
Excruciating swelling of the heart cripples the lungs
And the shade of blue starts to look good
Each beat takes a breath
Consistent hits without rythem
This unintended suicide is stable
Slowly but surely
This heart will kill





-not alright

Labels: Jacob, Paperbag