Friends. The word itself is bullshit. There are no such things as friends. "Friends" is a word made up by man to believe that he is not alone in this world.
He is wrong and he is wrong.


He is never alone in this world. It is bullshit. Everyone will experience life. And on this planet, life means eventually meeting more than one human being (Or animal. Up to you). Thus, you are never alone you ignorant person you.

According to the dictionary.com this is its definition:



–noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.
5. (initial capital letter) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.




I believe this affection/emotional attachment/regard is temporary. I feel that if you spend alot of time with someone (and that person must be at least a nice person) you will overtime develop an affection/liking with said person.

It's inevitable! So, wherever you go, you will (if you reach out and communicate) have friends!

There's a saying, "Strangers are just friends you don't know yet."

HOW TRUE! And how absolutely rubbish! The significance in the word "friends" have been totally and utterly lost. Or maybe, it was never there to begin with! We just made it up to make ourselves feel good because we have "friends". We have alot people who give a shit about us. We have alot of "friends". Which is why it's natural for someone to yearn for popularity and fame.


My theory is, in this world, there are no friends. There are good people and bad people.

Good people are considerate and kind by nature. They will help anyone in need and they are nice to all(even if it's only in the beginning). Until someone does something to make them dislike you, their niceties to you would severely decrease (but they would never murder you or anything of the sort). And if it's truly unbearable, they will just stay away from you, occasionally indulging in discussing your bad qualities to someone they trust the conversation with.

And bad people only care about themselves. Or are serial killers. Or are manipulative dictators. Period.


So all good people will eventually be "friends" as man have coined it, and bad people will take advantage of you, step on you, bring you down, manipulate you, just so he/she will rise above you.

And people who scream, "No! I do have friends! Real friends!" You are all deluded and are a part of the Friends Fan Club. Similar to people who are in love with love. Except that love exists and friends do not. That's why they're "in love" and not "in a fan club". Though infatuated people are often misled into believing it is love.

So the reason why friends come and go is because people come and go. If you tell me you've been friends with a person since childhood and that's an example of friends forever, you are mistaken. It's only because the person has not left. Which is why he/she is still "friends" with you. Get it?


Friends are people whom you are comfortable with that are created out of circumstance. You meet them, you know them, you befriend them. Once they're out of touch, they do not think about you everyday. No one in their right mind would. They only remember you when they remember you and they will be more willing to help out people they're currently more close to. Their "new friends".

Which is why I think it's bullshit. How unfair it is for someone to be biased like that? I do not like these people. I do not approve of what these "friends" do. I would rather you treat everyone around you equally. So if I'm not your "friend", you would not help out me at all? That is a very bad trait to have. I hate people with this trait.

I would cherish a good person more than a "friend". Well, obviously! I do not believe in friends! So if you are a good person, I will love you. And if you're a bad person, but you are my "friend", I hope you know where you stand in my life now.

Thank you.


♥ elle

Labels: Elle, Questionable, Quote, The Queen

I'm listening to Ingrid Michaelson and emo-ing. I know not why, but this feeling seems to always resurface at night when I'm alone. I used to be much too immersed in conversations with Ryan and Jacob and such, those msn regulars. And when slowly they left, I had Hokes to tell me bedtime stories or have deep intense 7 hr conversations about life, religion, philosophy and all random things.

Now,
I feel so alone.

And it's nobody fault, really. I'm an independent girl. I'm just not an emotionally strong person, as Jacob pointed out. And usually, I'm okay being by myself. Just not at night. I really should try to get over this. I am a girl, who is seriously lacking faith.

Faith in everything really.

Religion.
Love.
People.


I'm just a walking cause of disappointment to everyone around me.

I disappointed my parents. Friends. Ryan. Jacob.
And my gut tells me I'm gonna disappoint Hokes. Like everyone else. Eh. Actually I already have disappointed him. Hah.
Disappointing people must be my niche.


I'm a tangled mess of contradictions. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Is that the popular quote? Correct me if I'm wrong.
If that quote is true, then what's the point of me having good intentions all the time?



I don't know why, but everytime Hokes talks about religion to me a wave of anxiety engulfs me. I mean, it's good that he'd like to know more about the religion but, I'm deathly afraid. I don't want people to believe in something just because I do.
I want them to believe in it because that's what they want. That's what they believe in. And has nothing to do with me.

I think, I'm secretly afraid, that Hokes will learn about the religion, understand it, but is unable to believe in it.
I cannot.
I just.
Cannot.
I cannot accept you if you don't share my beliefs.

I'm sorry. I choose religion over love. If one day, should I disappoint you too, let this at least be clear. Oh god, why am I crying? Haha, sheesh ever the emokid me.

Religion is like, principles. Strong strong principles which I use to govern and live my life by. Though time and time again I go against my own principles and shame myself, it is nevertheless a part woven into the fabrics of my existence and will never go away.

In case you haven't already realised, I don't particularly like myself. And I don't like that fact too, it means I have low self-esteem. But I don't. And I try and try to be the best I possibly can, but I keep letting myself and everyone down. Okay, I'll try harder.


I shall start with prayers.
I shall work towards not missing prayers. I shall begin praying again. I hope God can help guide me back. Back to the place where I started from. So I can begin everything anew.

After prayers, I shall rectify my diet. Then, perhaps, one day, I can love myself enough to rectify my sense of dressing.



I want to be a good friend. But I don't really know how. I don't know the right things to do at the right times. But I do know that I want to help yous. Just tell me how.

It's funny, how I'm so old already, yet I'm still trying to find myself. Find who I really want to be. And to think I tell people to just be yourself. I should practice what I preach. Unfortunately, easier said than done.



Recently, I rediscovered why I love my religion.
What a joy! I feel happy. And sad at the same time. And yet that glimmer of hope inside my cold black heart bathes me with such warmth it makes me shudder.
It must be the way Uztaz Zulkeflee puts things into perspective. He has a way about him. He's probably the one who moved countless converts' hearts. Like my Dad. Dad said he learnt from this man before he even converted. And Dad also said that Uztaz Zulkeflee understands the problems of the converts more than the converts could themselves.


I really like him. He's a dear old man. His voice is strained, because he recovered from a massive stroke two years ago. He moves slowly, but he has such a cheerful face. Constantly smiling. And such kind kind eyes. He makes you feel so comfortable about him.

Here are his teachings that I found very enlightening.


The 7 Significant Verses of The Quran

1)Surat At-Tawbah 9:15

Say:"Nothing will happen to us except what Allah has decreed for us; He is our protector" and on Allah let the Believers put their trust.

We must believe that both good and bad things come from God. And trust in God whatever he throws you. So if God has decreed that you won't die yet, then no matter what negative things happen, you still won't die yet. Only God can control such matters.

Good things and bad things are both tests. While bad things are testing for your patience and faith in God, good things tests for your gratitude (syukur)

Conditions of Syukur
1) acknowledge who gives you the favour : God
2) value God's favour to mankind (even the small things)
3) use whatever favour God has given you in a way that pleases him



My personal musings: I think it's wonderful. It teaches you to be appreciative about everything. Uztaz Zulkeflee gave an example that relates to his life. When he was down with stroke and was bedridden, people came to him and pitied him. But he laughed and said, "No! It is you whom I pity! For while God tests me on my patience, God is testing you on your gratitude (syukur)" And surely, being grateful is much harder no? :) So I really should stop wallowing in emo nemoness :)


I'm afraid I'll have to continue the teachings some other time because it's 1 am and I need sleep caz class starts early tmr. Haha, and I've stopped being emo. I think it's a combination of re-reading the teachings of the Uztaz and Ryan talking to me :)

Labels: Chat Log, Elle, Emo Nemo, Of Hokums and Honeystars, Questionable, Quote, Religion, ryan pwns asses, The Queen

*insert Forrest Gump accent*


My mama always said...



"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get."






Gawd damn son.

Labels: Aussie Powaaah, Quote, The King

"Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary is what that gets you." - Jeremy Clarkson










-not whinne

Labels: Jacob, Quote, The Anarchist

" We're meant to lose the people we love.

How else are we supposed to know how important they are to us?"



-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

Labels: Quote, The King

The school sent to letters to inform my parents of my debarment.

Ah.

They flipped.



Sigh.


Dad cut off all my electricity. I have to bathe in cold water AGAIN. For a night, I slept without a fan nor aircon nor air ventilation. IT WAS HOT AS HELL ugh. Everything I've worked for has been undone. Parents filled with disappointment.

Dad says he's not gonna pay for my school fees again.

Sigh.

Is this what you want? Huh? All because I didn't suck up to you? Everyone tells me not to worry because you have a reputation of favouring girls over boys. They tell me you're a perverted old bastard, the boys resent your favouritism. But they tell me not to worry, caz I'm a girl! But I'm not like other girls, who ask you alot of questions, who try to get on your good side. I don't bother. I treat everyone the same. You don't like that do you? Is it because I don't reciprocate?

They tell me that usually the system would try as hard as possible not to debar me. They tell me that all I need to do is send an appeal and they'll let me continue. It's not a big deal anyway. And I have medical reason.

But no! you tell me you can't accept it because I went to the doctor after the debarment. Not before! If I went before, you would have accepted it. I told you I didn't know. I told you I didn't realise it was serious. I told you that depressive disorder is a prolonged disorder. The symptoms don't last a day or two, it takes several months to manifest. I told you that that is proof for all the absence before the debarment.

But you still said the same damn thing. You can't accept medical proof after the debarment was made. What a load of crock. What a load of bullshit.
See?
I told you I had issues at home, but no, because of your stupid resentment against me, you tore my life apart.

Dad stopped talking to me AGAIN. We were good. We were improving. We were talking and joking and LAUGHING again.

AND YOU HAD TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME?
THE ONE THING THAT I YEARN FOR, MY PARENTS' APPROVAL, THEIR AFFECTION.

I love joking and laughing and teasing them.
I love that things, though unresolved, are stabilizing.

BUT YOU JUST HAD TO DESTROY THAT.

You selfish son of a dog.
I hate you.

I hope you die, lonely and unloved in an old folks' home. I hope everyone forgets you. I hope you are miserable, and yearn love but will never ever in your pathetic life ever receive any love or display of affection what so ever.

I hate you.
I hate you for taking this away from me.
I hate you for being selfish.
I hate you for being unreasonable and biased.
I hate you for destroying my future.
I hate you for doing all of these to me.



Fortunately, I expected it. I worried like crazy. It was eating me inside out. Then I faced the music. I was miserable so miserable. But I got over it. I deserved it I guess, I saw it coming. I'm doing the best I can now.
Thanks to Cass and Hokes for being there for me. I think I'm lucky to have met Hokes through Cass. He's super nice really, trying to cheer me up with Cookie Monster on webcam, dancing at AC Campfire eventhough I totally forgot the dance I learnt = dancing FAIL. Haha. And for telling me the most kickass awesome bedtime story everrr I swear it was so entertaining, at 1 am when I was having trouble sleeping in the heat and lack of air ventilation and me being afraid to open the windows and doors because I'm scared of the dark but I braved myself and did it anyway.

Lmao, Cass, Jefri, Ryan, Hokes and I were in the story involving Royalty and kingdoms, and Jellyfishes armed with Corals with deadly Neurotoxins BAHAHAHAHAHA
Does this sound familiar? Hahahaha BIF project can go and dieee really.


But thanks, everyone, I'm happy now. I'm at ease. I'm no longer taking the pills and I'm not as stressed out. I'm relaxed! And I'm trying to work as hard as I can. I am taking time off to unwind with my friends, and I am ok :)

I am NO LONGER depressed, my symptoms went away.
So I'm okay :)

And I shall be happy :)
At least Mum's still talking to me, so yes, I shall be happy :)
I shall strive to improve things at home and outside.
And
I shall
be happy :)


Thank you :)


-15963
This is us - our lives are weaved into each other. Just like our interlocking fingers.
-Jacob Chew
:) See? I used your quote, Cobby!

Labels: Bitch-mode, Elle, Hissy Fit, Mum, Quote, School, The Queen

"You look like a gay cowboy, and you look like a gay terrorist." - James May












-not ben

Labels: Jacob, Quote, The Anarchist

I am sick.
I am coughing until my abdominal muscles hurt.
Until my throat is sore, I think I taste blood.
My nose is constantly blocked, I can't breathe.
My voice is now manly, a stark contrast to my previously high pitched voice.
I have headaches, the ones you get when you have a fever.
I am weak.


And.

I am officially tired of being sick.


I am SICK and TIRED of the headaches.
I am sick and tired of the lethargy.

I WANT TO JUMP AROUND, I want to do things, I want to have bundles of energy, limitless amount of energy to spare.

I want to be able to focus on my studies, I want to...

I want so many things, but who says we get what we want all the time?




I saw the counsellor last week.
A bloody waste of time.
A
bloody
waste
of
time.


Do not PRETEND to understand me when I know you don't.
You don't know what I want.
How can you pretend you know what I want, when I don't know what I want exactly?
I want things to be okay, but what is okay?
All I know for sure is what I don't want.

I talked to the freaking counsellor for AN HOUR. And I thought, hey, a counsellor, might as well make use of it. I don't wanna be one of those shallow people. I want to be open minded. So yes, I poured my heart and soul to you. My deepest darkest secrets that some of my closest friends don't even know.

And after it all,
you
don't
even
understand me.


YOU SUCK SO BAD.
I AM NEVER GOING FOR COUNSELLING AGAIN.

The doctor at the polyclinic, the one who diagnosed that I have depression.
HE UNDERSTOOD ME BETTER.
I almost cried because I knew he understands, and I don't want him to. Because he's a doctor. Not a psychiatrist. He referred me to a psychiatrist but I don't want to go because I don't have the money and I can't ask my parents because THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT I'M GOING THROUGH WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH.

I'm screwed up. Okay? I admit.
I am a self-destructive dysfunctional person.
I cannot think logically anymore.
The doctor says depression does that.
SCREW DEPRESSION


FROM NOW ON I AM NOT EFFING DEPRESSED.
I LOVE MY LIFE.
I LOVE MYSELF.
I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND MY FAMILY.

I don't pick at flaws, caz flaws are OKAY.
Everyone has flaws. I AM TOLERANT of flaws, I will ACCEPT YOU FLAWS AND ALL.
AND I WILL STOP FREAKING CRYING LIKE A GODDAMNED BABY.



I WILL stick to my resolutions. I WILL stick to my principles, stick to my goals.
Depression is retarded.
I always thought that people going through depression are stupid caz, awww youre so sad awww your life suck awwww you might as well die AWWWW TOO BAD. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE HAVING IT WORSE THAN YOU OUT THERE SO SUCK IT UP AND STOP BEING A PANSY.

And then now
I know why
they are retarded
caz depression is a mental retardation disorder.
depression makes you stupid
so now
I'm a retard.
be nice to me.

I'm not gonna be retarded anymore.
I am going to be FINE.

My lecturer can go and die.
"Oh it's quite serious you know. You should go get help. Bla bla bla. It's not too expensive."

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MONEY HUH?
I am in DEBT.
And I cannot let my parents KNOW.
Why?


Because I am not throwing away what I have been working for MY ENTIRE LIFE just because I'm going through this retarded disorder.


Depressive disorder my ass.

STOP DEBARRING ME.



I turn up for lessons now.
And I've started studying.
I know I'm inconsistent but when I am truly working and trying hard, CUT ME SOME SLACK AND COOPERATE WILL YA?
You are so not helping me by DEBARRING ME.


I understand my parents too well.
Only too well.
You don't think I've not tried reasoning with them? Like proper rational adults?
You can't reason with them unless you want to turn their whole world upside down.
And eventhough I hate hate hate so much what they are doing, I know they do it because they love me.
And because of that, I can never truly hate them.
And because of that..
I cannot bear to hurt them.


No matter how much you tell me it's for the better.
No matter how much it's healthier for me, for them, for my life, and their life.

I cannot do anything, that would hurt them.


Last Christmas, I tested their limits.
They hurt of course. It hurt me that they hurt.
but they're better now.
And I can't complain.



Now this issue, lies with me. With my principles. My moral values.
It's just me. Me with the retarded brain.


I'm fine now.
I'm improving.
I've stopped dating.
The guys I go out with are purely friends. And they are good friends.
I'm sorry to say I'm not close to much girls in poly except for Cass Lee.
Other girls in my clique include Sharon and Abigail.
But I'm not as close to them.
There are just some people that you feel alright to open up to and others, uncomfortable with.

I don't know.
I just don't have that many girls around me.
I have guys around me because guys are horny buggers. They like girls. So obviously, they don't mind hanging out with me.
But after that, we came to a mutual agreement.
That we will only be friends and that's it.

And that's okay.
And they happen to be good friends.

So yes, I know alot of guys, because the guys approach me. If girls approached me, I'm equally nice and friendly.
Like, in Ambassadors.
There are tonnes of awesome girls.
Ning and her fellow Year 1 gang.
Joyce and Joyce both from Ambassadors and French.
XiangWei and Hannah, my a.l. and L.
Tsk, psh, I'm okay with practically all the girls in Ambassadors.

I'm okay with the girls in my course.
I got to know a new girl, in my lab.
She's repeating a module with Eugene.
I talked to Eugene once in lab because he was my lab partner.
We hit off hilariously.
That was ages ago.
And.
Only recently have I started talking to her.
Girls are just slower and less receptive of me.
And it's normal BECAUSE THEY'RE GIRLS.
No matter how open I am to girls, I am just less approachable to them.

(This is my theory. If you have another theory, please enlighten me, so I can LEARN)



And of course, the girls that understand me, I cherish them like crazy.
I love them to bits.
I love my friends to bits.
Even though I know friends come and go.
I can't help it?
I just love all of you, even when I find you guys sometimes retarded or your flaws irks me, or you can be immature or childish.
No matter what negative opinion I have of any of my friends (because your mind can't help but judge, it's whether you act on it), I love you all the same.

I know it's hard to believe.
you might think I'm stupid this way,
but that's just the way retarded me works.

I love my friends to bits
no matter how crazy you guys drive me.

Like the way I love my parents,
no matter how much I say I hate them,
no matter how crazy they drive me too.


I just.. cherish relationships in my life.
Suuuure I pretend to be some brave strong jaded girl, like I can just drop friends if I think you're not worthy to be considered a friend,
but
I actually take very long to get over it.


On the outside, I pretend to be over it,
but
I secretly think about it every night.


It took me a year and a half to get over Hidayah.
And
to be completely honest
when she talks to me on msn
it still hurts
till now.


I'm so sorry, but
..

I'm sorry.


I'm sorry everyone.


I'm sorry for being so weird.
I really wish I wasn't.
I have my own ideals in my head.

Bear with me.

I've begun to mellow down. No clubbing since that time, no drinking, I still to this day am proud to say I don't smoke, no boys, I know my heart now, no rebelling against teachers, no rebelling against parents,

I'm fixing myself.
One step at a time.


Bear with me.


I love you.




-15670
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
-Mark Twain

Labels: Chat Log, Elle, Emo Nemo, Hissy Fit, Mum, Questionable, Quote, School, The Queen

"Dear Walter,

Why is that I gag when I brush my tongue, but not when I go down on my boyfriend?"



Walter: "Well... Your toothbrush is bigger."






-not walter

Labels: Jacob, Quote, The Anarchist

Little do men perceive what solitude is, and how far it extendeth.
For a crowd is not company, and faces are but a gallery of pictures,
and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love.




P.S: Ryan literally means the king. how coincidental.

Labels: Quote, The King

"There is no excellent beauty, that hath not some strangeness in its proportions" - Sir Francis Bacon


Perfection is overrated. Individuality is understated.


Enough said.







-not sam

Labels: Jacob, Paperbag, Quote