helloooo people, if I can live with your ideals, get over mineee. And stop misinterpreting!

Come on, I am not turning into a robot. If ever, I'll most likely be more empathetic! Stop being the "mature" people thinking awww this girl is trying to be different when she's actually the same. Really, lame mentality.

Like I've replied an angry person's email, I KNOW I'm not the only one in this world facing shit OH MY GOD PLEASE GET OVER YOURSELVES THAT YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME. Goodness? This is life, at some point of time, at some aspects in life, SOMEONE will have it worse than you at something. So I cannot be sad over my predicament? It's not as if I'm not getting over it? I am! Why are you guys so clogged up in your brains that you must stick to your ideals and your principles only? Be open minded, accept that people are different, people think differently. If I can accept you for who you are, then stop being a bitch to me?


For all the harping about "look at yourself" don't look at others, the entire point of the post is that I HAVE. I want to STOP JUDGING (don't you read? I really do question your intelligence now) I want to be a GOOD PERSON and it's okay that there are people with flaws! I do my best to be a better person everyday, and that is what counts. I appreciate things that are done for me and if I don't or forget to, and you find it offensive, TELL ME LIKE HOW I TELL YOU. And if you don't find an issue with it, then be happy that you made me happy! Stop playing these stupid childish games!


Like I've said countless times, I judge people. you judge people. EVERYONE will form impressions in their minds about people but ACTION IS KEY. I want to STOP acting on my judgments and I hope that the world would see the same. That though you judge, you are open-minded enough to give the person the benefit of the doubt, that they might change or actually have an amazing trait lurking beneath the nonsense that you've not seen.


I will not be friends with ANYONE. Understand? No 50% no 60% and all that bs. Goodness me. I respond to your actions(good or bad, if you are a bad person, I AM SURE I WILL RESPOND POSITIVELY TO YOUR 1% GOOD ACTION I am pretty sure you're human not satan), and I WILL BE a friend, in terms of action. I will not stand by and watch you fall or deliberately ruin your life or be heartless or be a robot. I am NOT pushing people away you retards! PEOPLE LIKE YOU make me want to push people away but I DONT. It is precisely that humans are all greys and not black and white, that's why I am a friend to everyone. Whether you take drugs, or stole a car, or bitch about people, or cheat on your lover, or are selfish, or have sex with anyone, even animals, I. Don't. Care.

What I don't want is to call you MY FRIEND. Because people like you, have to harp on it like crraaaaazzzaaayyy. I would have a relationship with you YES, it's impossible to not have a relationship with someone unless you've never met the person. Just the KIND of relationship, it would not be friendship. It would be purely based on actions on the spot.


And with regards to my exclusive few, I love you and I don't give a shit what you think about me even though I'm feeling abit of retardation from all of you. I DONT CARE. I dont care if you don't love me anymore, I don't care if you do. I love you because I love you and I do things because I love you FULLSTOP.

I don't expect anything from you SO DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING FROM MEEEEEE BETCHEZ. I am already being the best person I possibly can, yes I make mistakes and I accept my mistakes and rectify them if I knew them and knew how.

I would not be making up theories if I don't abide to them myself. SERIOUSLY, I'm not an idiot. And I don't IMPOSEEEEE my theories on you. Okay? So please get over yourselves and your ideals because it's starting to look like you think you're the better person and your theories are the only right theories and I can't have mine.

Of course my theories can have holes poked if I don't explain it well(and theories are theories not facts), I can't, it's hard for me to express myself in words, I don't have that gift, but why don't you open up your mind a little and try to see it from how I'm seeing it, because I DO KNOW HOW YOU SEE IT and I understand WHY you see it that way and I ACCEPT IT that you want to believe in it.


Like flipping religion, I can see why Christians love Jesus to death and Buddhists believe in karma and bla bla bla. It's not that I don't read up about it, I know! You've told me all about your flipping religion! And I see where you're coming from and I accept it, I just choose not to believe in it!


I don't want nouns to express how I feel about you, unless it's something like family (DNA will kick your ass trying to deny it)or boyfriend or girlfriend (THERE IS SOMETHING WRONGGG with your r/s if you don't want a status because these are steps before marriage, BEFORE FAMILY, the commitment needs to be there)

But friends? The commitment DOES NOT need to be there. There is no ties. You're speaking up for me Jacob, like the rest of you. There is no ties. ONLY LOVE. Friends does not equal love! LOVE IS LOVEEE. Because I have you in my personal regard, because I LOVE YOU, I WILL be there for you I WILL have a commitment to YOU. okay? And it is not easy to love someone so NO I DO NOT LOVE EVERYONE. (And if you don't love your family and boyfriend or girlfriend then it sucks to be you)

So NOOOOO god I just don't believe in friends, get over it, if I don't love you, TOO BADDD I am sure someone else does (You still have family you whiny ass) and if I do, WOW GOOD FOR YOU. one more person in your life loves you, don't you feel loveddddd?


Basically I will be the same person my actions are the same, IF you had not known and read this post, YOU WOULD FIND NO SIGNIFICANT CHANGE IN ME, the only thing that has changed is my PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE. so why are you finding an ISSUEEEEE with me?
I am THIS sort of person, a person who analyses things and I do it because I find it important, you have your own set of things important to you and I have mind.
I find it important because it defines my purpose and how I feel and perceive about life, the journey that I AM TAKINGGG NOT YOUUUU LALALA HELLO HELLO WAKE UP. STOP SHAKING ME CAZ I AM AWAKE.


Look at the gazillion people in my life whom I call friends. Really, wont you find it more offensive that I consider an insignificant person friends and you friends when youre more significant to me?
So what I do, I do, because I care in some way but to hell with friends. I do it not because "it's what friends should do." screw that okay? Everything I do MEANS something, and in your point of view you would call it "friendship"

I don't. Okay? I call it love. Personal regard. Whatever. Different people, different degree of regard. GET OVER ITTTT.

Stop trying to show me that I am wrong and yet tell me at the same time "there is no right and wrong" YOU look who's doing the judging. hypocritical bunch of shits leh all of you! wahlao! Must bombard me for what I believe in? I am so disappointed in all of you! haha and I don't really care if you're disappointed in me or son't want to be friends with me. like everything else in life, I can live with it and I can move on. Just because I can, does not mean I am a robot and you are such wonderful empathetic human beings. Fuck off.

NOW, I want to talk about my day hahahaha. Hmm I watched Detroit Metal City, the first few episodes of the anime and OMG SO FUNNAYYY HAHAHAHA-

eh wait, I forget to tell Jacob I love him too eventhough he always think he's better than me and everyone and drive me crazy. See? I told you. I love means I love forever AIYO LEAVE ME ALONE LAH. No "friends" to love me also never mind. My family does and hopefully a future husband to have a family with. TADA! Happiness. Hehehehahaha.-

OKAY continue. Anyway remember Singapore Idol? the third season (latest one) there was this dude in long blonde hair and costume and face painting I JUST WATCHED DETROIT METAL CITY SO NOW THEN I REALISED WHO KRAUSER IS HAHAHAHAHA

You see, in Detroit Metal City, Krauser is this crazy metal screamo guy, lead singer of a screamo metal band. BUT this guy accidentally joined that band, he thought it would be a lovey dovey meaningful soft melodious tunes kinda band. BECAUSE HE IS ACTUALLY that kinda of person! But the sad thing is that he is good at being metal screamo and his love songs SUCKSSSS. Hahahaha! And everytime the anime shows him trying to sing love songs he looks soooo retarded and gay and mushy BAHAHAHA

So, my point is, Krauser on SG Idol I SALUTE YOUUUU. The irony is BEAUTIFULLL how you dress like that and purposely sing a love song hahahaha THE JUDGES ARE STUPID. Your voice isn't that bad and you should make it through and they should appreciate the irony. But sadly, eventhough the judges are immersed in the MEDIA industry, they don't know the existence of KRAUSER, shame on you! Aiyah, I think the judges are retarded to begin with so whatever.

(Hate Dick Lee. He's a dick hehehehehe and Florence is really a Lian. Don't know anything but act like know everything. Ken is arrogant and think he so damn good. BUT I respect that occasionally his comments are professional and made sense. Other than that, I think all three judges are RUDE and purposely try to mock and diss people because they think they are so funny and give entertainment value. Disgusting. Even American Idol isn't mean please.Singaporeans really over do things.)

And then I recently I also watched Survivor (just the last episode because I cannot be bothered with TV) AND OMG ASS TO THE MAX RUSSEL SHOULD HAVE WON. I was so upset, Russel was so upset UGHHH people are just sore losers and sometimes need to OPEN UP THEIR MINDS and see that the bad people have good in them and that eventhough russel betrayed everyone like siao and lie and deceive and manipulate and use people? HE DID IT FOR THE GAME. It is how you play the game! And they should stop taking it personally and give him the win because HE deserves it! Jaison is stupid because he said in real like "you would hate the Russel and you wouldnt want to let him win" OMG YOU CHILDISH BRAT IN REAL LIFE, YOUR PRIZE IS DEATH.
Idiot.

You die, you go to heaven or hell. So the point of the game of Life, is to do good things, live a purposeful life and ENJOY THE JOURNEY. In survivor, SCREW THE JOURNEY ONLY 1 MONTH WHAT, and you get a million dollars! Doesn't mean that Russel is a bad person! He just know what to do in the game! Wahlao! hate sore losers and people who take it personally. I AM SO UPSET FOR RUSSELLLLLL :( Russel I am officially your number 1 fan because I APPRECIATE THAT HOW YOU PLAYED THE GAME WAS AN ART MAN. WOOOAAHHH
hahahahahaha

shiz man my post is very long and I have chores to do but I really don't feel like doing them. I feel like eating. RAWR. I really feel like eating.SIGHZ it seems I am gaining weight even thought I cut down on my food.WTHHHH. And I have been exercising (though not as often as I want to)sigghhhh not enough! Must do more! RAWR.

Hokes is my favouritest boy in the world. That's why he's my boyfriend. Not the other way around. Yay! It seems I still cant wear that halter dress. Sad. I want to make custard tarts. Without growing fat. maybe give some to my aunts, cousins and hokes' family too. Hmm. I would give Jacob too. But he would never meet me. And Ryan but he's overseas. And other people but they are angry with me. TOO BAD. no yummy tarts for you! until you want to talk to me. because actually i am ok. HAHA. contradictory. Im ok if youre ok. OK! my mama is being annoying but I love my papa like crazy suddenly caz I thought he almost died. Sigh, it's so cute when your parents show you they love you. SEE. NO MATTER WHAT MUST RESPECT YOUR PARENTS. even if they are wrong and retarded. omg I really feel like eating tarts. See? this is how my train of thought travels.

I am weird.

Labels: Angry Bombs, Brother, Elle, fweedom, HELLO, Insanity, Jacob, Mum, Of Hokums and Honeystars, Questionable, Religion, ryan pwns asses, The Anarchist, The King, The Queen, Weird Shiz

...for someone that writes in a philosophical manner, your enlightenment seems to be a little low. Not meaning to put you down, instead I commend you for digging for depth in life.

Sincerely, I am happy that you've learned to not care about what people think. Honestly, again, as much as you've think you have changed, you haven't changed at all.

Still, you separate yourself from the rest, thinking that you are one of the very few that goes through what you go through, that you're getting the butt end of the deal. Tragically, it's untrue. Everybody has gone through the same problems when it comes with dealing with human beings. Be it in one form or another. Nobody is that different. Can you honestly say that you are nothing like the people you used to label as friends? Do you appreciate everything that is done for you? Do you dare to claim that you have not taken advantage or use somebody?

Lovingly, you cling on to your theories. And how tiresome it must be to filter everybody that you meet. Deciding who is good or bad. Judging really. By your standards, are you all good? But your comeback would be "nobody is 100% good." So how much good must a person be for you to be friends with? 60%? 70%?

Friend is a man made word? Definitely. Just like every other word. What else would have come up with it? Would it not be bullshit if Friend was expressed with hand gestures? Or if a dog came up with it? Maybe a rock would fit better. Rocks don't expect anything from you.

Honestly, third time again, if relationships fail you so much, why bother with a boyfriend? How do you know he is to stay? Or are you just waiting for him to disappear as well? How about your exclusive few? Do you expect them to love you back? Do you expect them to love you just as much? Or just loving you the tiniest bit be enough for you?

Eagerly, you look at everybody else and draw up your theories. Blindly, you forgot to look at yourself. Do you even live up to your theories? I'm not disagreeing with your theories. Neither am I agreeing. But I hope you won't be stubborn and be closed off. Do not treat them as they are black and white when they're all based on greys. Theories are just thoughts and not proven to be facts.

I just want to say again that I'm not dissing your opinions. I'm just poking holes at them to show you that it's not 100% truth. Stay grounded and not get caught up trying to figure your life out or you'll die trying.

I still love you, and I still call you friend. And I'm still Ben/Jerry/Whichever even if you don't wish to label me friend.


P.S. Friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, family, etc - they are all labels. Only the emotions are true. But the nouns make it easier to express how you feel about them.

Labels: Jacob, Paperbag, The Anarchist

I know we long to touch each other, feel comfort in the other's warmth, rest safely in each other's arms, pretending that time stands still as soon as our fingers intertwine, listening to our heartbeats drum in unison. And our shoes would be heavy, reluctant to move, because they want to be still with time. The moment would engulf our hearts, our hearts would swell, our feet would weigh like feathers, and we would run while everything else stands still. Spirals – we'll orbit everything else, swinging so fast, testing the links of our fingers. We would spin and twirl and avoiding people who get in our way, but our focus would never shift from our eyes. And some how we just know our way, know where everything is to avoid them. It would just be about you and me and everything else. Our fingertips may tingle as we brush them against our skin, as if electricity runs through our veins, but what keeps me believing is that our hearts made contact before our fingers met.







-not charlie

Labels: Her, Jacob, Paperbag

My







Girlfriend







Is







AWESOME!








-not dan

Labels: Her, Jacob, Paperbag, The Anarchist

I'll be leaving on Friday to fulfill my Singaporean duties in the form of shaving my head (amongst other things that are done in the army). Sadly, this means I have to leave Her which only makes our situation worse (not that we're in a fight or anything like that) but I'm pretty confident about us. Our current situation probably makes us more prepared for what is to come than other couples. This is all too depressing when I'm talking about Her who makes me so happy. I shall digress from me leaving. I'll talk about Her instead.


She is as pretty as the hue of a sun rise.
She is as charming as a poet.
She is as wise as a religious leader.
She is as cute as a puppy.
She is as beautiful as the stars.
She is as precious as a child's macaroni necklace.
She is as hot as a freshly baked pie. Mmmmmmm.
She is as passionate as a rose.
She is everything that's important to me.
She is my babe.


I've realised that we work so well because we don't plan our lives to revolve around each other's. We acknowledge that we are big parts in each other's lives, but we don't make each other our whole life. It's very much like holding hands. Each is their own person, linking at the hands symbolising the sharing of their individual lives. It's about coexisting and not obsessing. Look past the superficial of a relationship. It's not about being loved or being in love, but loving her the best that I can because I realise that it's not about how I feel. And I believe that she realises it too. And it's simply put, beautiful. Everyday is an opportunity to show that I love her to the best of my ability. Valentine's day or anniversaries or any other special dates are never the exclamation of expressing my love. This is a quote from a letter that I sent to Her years ago: "It’s the best I can do for now, but I promise you that all you’re going to get is the best of me." And it still holds true till today. This, is us. And I'm in love with it.


-not barney

Labels: Her, Jacob, Paperbag

1. People that walk in groups and stretch themselves out to block the entire walk way.

2. People that stop suddenly before getting on the escalator because they just had a thought that maybe they want to stay on the same floor.

3. Parents that can't control their kids.

4. People that sit on the outer seat of the bus even though the inner seat is empty.

5. People that sit on the outer seat of the bus and expect you to squeeze past them to get to the empty inner seat.

6. People that sit on the outer seat of the bus and don't get up to let you out. Maybe these people just like their face to be in the stranger's ass.

7. People that place their bags on the empty seat next to them and pretend to not see you standing there.

8. People that sit behind you and keep pushing on your seat.

9. People that stand at the doors of the bus/train instead of moving in.

10. People that stand at the doors of the train, making you salmon your way through to get off the train.

11. People that sit next to you with their legs opened because they have no concept of personal space.

12. People that are forever talking on their cell phones. Is the person you're talking to really that interesting? Is what you say really that important that it cannot wait?

13. People that talk obnoxiously loud on the phone.

14. People that are oblivious to their surroundings. Especially while driving.

15. People that stop suddenly for no apparent reason and stays there instead of moving to the side to get out of other's way.

16. Couples that can't wait to get home to make out.

17. Girls that try hard to be cute to get what they want.

18. Girls that whine about everything.

19. Guys that try too hard to be "cool".

20. Guys that try too hard to impress others.

21. People that are impatient. Especially with old people.

22. People that are butt ugly but think they're the hottness need elbows to the face to actually make them look better.

23. People who behave as if they are God's gift to the world.

24. People that give themselves English names because apparently the names their parents gave them aren't good enough.

25. People that give themselves English names but don't actually think of a proper name and choose one based on how cool it sounds. For example, I met a girl who called herself Haze. She named herself to be a freaking fog.

26. People that give themselves English names, but say it's their Christian name. It's not a Christian name because you're not a freaking Christian.

27. Cam whores that have only one pose in all their pictures. I promise, I have seen a slide show of this girl (cam whores are usually girls. sorry but it's true) where she looks exactly the same but in different locations.

28. People that insist on taking the elevator even though it's just one floor.

29. People who pretend that they can actually speak English with good diction. Usually those that fake an accent but can't pull it off. You still sound very Chinese.

30. People that behave like idiots because they think it's funny.






- not tod

Labels: Jacob, The Anarchist

"Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary is what that gets you." - Jeremy Clarkson










-not whinne

Labels: Jacob, Quote, The Anarchist

Dear witnesses,

There is always that one person that is a shining beacon of significance in your life. Someone that probably is the greatest human being you'll personally know. Someone that will never want to escape from your heart. That someone might be a friend, a family member, a girl or boyfriend, or any form of a loved one. Someone might even be a group of people. But my someone is an individual, and this is my introduction to She.

She is simply put amazing. Her strength is found in vulnerability when it is most crucial. She sums up every ounce of energy and pulls through every single time. But even though she can handle things by herself, she still requires comfort and support. And it's beautiful because she's human and not superhuman. In moments of weakness, beauty flowers. People tend to forget that and are ashamed when vulnerable. But all shame and insecurities are gone when confiding in She because her strength is an aura that lends itself willingly to those in need of it.

Her heart, that beats for the people she loves, is bigger than a saint's. It has a warmth that's infectious. It gets under your skin, and you just melt every time. Feels good. Like being wrapped in a warm blanket. Maybe even with a cup of hot chocolate. And you feel safe, and warm, and you never want to leave. I never want to leave.

She is like a rainbow. Rarely do you see one, but when you do, you stop and stare. And you feel like you experienced a great moment of beauty in life. She may not know this, but she is a major inspiration to me. It is evident in my poems, in my music, and greatly in my life. She inspires me to be a better human. And I feel like I have to keep up with her, and I want to keep up with her. She's motivates me to better myself because it's so easy to be complacent. Just the slightest of nudges every time, and she probably doesn't even know it. She's one of the unsung heroes, and I am now giving her an acknowledgement that her influence is greatly appreciated. There is much more to her than what I've listed, but that would take a life time explaining. And I think that those two points are her greatest virtues.

Witnesses, most of you would probably know what I'm talking about. Most of you probably have experienced what I feel. So express your appreciation more than just on special days like birthdays, or Valentine's or Christmas. Everyday is an opportunity to thank them and let them know that they are just as loved.







To She: I cannot thank you enough for what you have done for me. But you know that you mean the world to me, and hopefully that's enough. For all I can offer is my world.






I love you.











-not nick

Labels: Her, Jacob, Paperbag

I know I know.

I'm supposed to be on hiatus BUT WHATEVER.



I think I just screwed up my life even more with the BCHEM paper. Ah shucks. Ah. Shucks. Please kill me.


Anyway a bazillion things has happened, alot of which I don't wanna talk about less I go crazy again but yes.
I've been weird AGAIN, but hey, I'm improving. I think I must have been frustrating a whole bunch of people with my low self-esteem so okok, I'll.. well. Dammit, I'm so sorry but I set damn high standards for myself and I'm not fulfilling them so..


:(


A teensy bit of juicy gossip.
I've been seeing a certain someone.
And that certain someone knows the existence of this blog.
And I kinda feel weird. Lmao. Shuddup. We'll see.


Studying is not working out for me, I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT L4D I'm sorry, this is how random my train of thought is. But shuddup, I never got to touch the damned game till recently and dammit I suck hahahaha frikken noob BUT I so wanna play it until I'm not as noob as I so am now xD

Joshua Wong has left for Aus and I HATE HIM SO, hahaha but I got him, in my opinion, the most apt and awesome birthday/ farewell-see-you-in-a-coupla-years gift. I'm sure he loves it too :D


Recently, I attempted to study at Lido, saw Sam Power, had an awkward conversation, bid farewell, had Starbucks' Frapp just to realise a white guy was staring at me. He walked past several times, and as we made eye contact, he'd give a small smile. So I returned the smile, a small and almost unnoticeable one and carried on with my own nonsense, memorizing the structures of 20 amino acids.

Then, Weird White Guy (WWG) spoke to me. He was standing a little behind me with his arms crossed.


"I realized a lot of Singaporeans like to study in cafes. Why's that?"

"Umm, I don't know. I like Starbucks. Starbucks makes me happy."

"But wouldn't it be better to study at home?"

"I can't study at home, it's more distracting."

"Isn't studying here more distracting? The noise and all?" he gestures to the screen playing movie trailers softly behind me.

"Umm, well, home's my comfort zone, so I can't be in my comfort zone. My bed is really distracting, I'd fall asleep and eat and walk around doing nothing."

"Your what?"

"My bed."

"Oh your bed."

(Is my bloody accent that hard to understand?)

Then, realising that the conversation isn't gonna end anytime soon, and that it's kinda weird talking to him while I'm sitting down and looking up to him looming over me, I gave him a fork in the road.

"Would you like to have a seat?"

"Oh sure."


And WWG sat down across me.
You know, he really should've said something like awww nah, I was just passing by. I'll not bother you now, good luck with your studies! But no. So he started chatting with me in the weirdest white guy accent. It was definitely not American nor British nor Australian nor Irish. Because I can recognise those accents somewhat.


So okay. He started telling me how he can't do Chemistry, how he stole a test paper and sold it for fifty bucks, how he took drugs, meth in fact, to stay up all night several days consecutively to study.

And all I could come up with as a response was,"Well, Starbucks kinda keeps me awake."

We talked about how weird Singapore's education system is, and he wanted me to show him what I'm studying so I took out my 20 amino acid structures and gave it to him. He stares at it.

While chatting with him, I was texting Hokes and my last text msg to Hokes was "There's a weird white guy talking to me now. Ah." Or something along those lines. And I was feeling quite awkward. Am I supposed to continue studying? Caz that would be kinda rude. And chatting with him would just prove his point about studying at cafes are more distracting because of white guys like him.
Lmao. He said that I swear, and he gave me a very amused smile.

I grinned and shrugged.


Dammit lah.
Hahahahaha.


AND THEN MY HERO CAME, yayyy, Hokes the idiot, surprised me. I thought he was still at home but no! He secretly came down without telling to surprise me, which he kinda failed caz I saw him and he wasn't able to come up behind me and shock me to death or something.

So I went all," EH HIIIII! What are you doing here?!"

And Hokes noticed me and grinned and sat beside me.

WWG suddenly had a change in attitude, he completely ignored me, chatted to Hokes about ipods, and then left without saying goodbye to me.
Asshole.


I hope you can only find Creative stores around you rude bugger! I hope you never find the Apple store! NEVAH!

Lmao, but I was very glad to see Hokes. And that sweet little thing started helping memorise BCHEM and even wrote for me lists of things I should remember, WHEN I SHOULD BE THE ONE WRITING THOSE DOWN lmao, awwww.

(I wonder if you've guessed it yet)


He's been doing this alot, that scheming boy, lying to me that he's still at home, then turn up unannounced at macs yesterday where I was having lunch with the usual gang. We then went to a LAN shop and played L4D and finished the entire thing, it was fun, hilarious, and dammit, best fwen was better than me!

Then Best Fwen's BF came along, and all four of us were playing and omg sho fun.
We had dinner, and ah, it felt like a, ah. Should I just say it?
Ah.
So many things has happened.
Man.
This blog is so outdated.

ok...

it's been like this.

met hokes at cny.
crashed ac orientation.
hokes asked me out on vday, that bodoh.
i rejected M who also asked me out on vday, and i think M is an idiot(I find some people very immature even though they're so old).
i spend some time with hokes.
i went out with bff to play with horses AND THEY ARE SHO BEAUTIFULL
i smelt like hay.
i changed and went on a double date with bff and her bf and me with hokes.
watched slumdog millionaire.
damn sick parts, ouchies my eyes.
but good movie.
i agree with bff that double dates are gay.
but hey, try new things lorz.
i met up with jwong to pass him his present.
jwong gave hokes immunity to my sluttiness.
damn you.
and recently, after L4D-ing with best fwen and her bf and hokes,
we went to dinner and it felt like a second double date.
lmao-ness.


I'm so glad I don't update my blog too often. Having a small circle of readers is so my cup of tea. So yesza! Now you know. And well, I don't know what to do about it, or how's this gonna turn out, but I'm doing my best, I'm being better,I have my weirdity and even though I threw him a whole lot of shit about me, I don't know what's wrong with him, What's wrong with you, Hokes?! Are you blind?! Maybe he's only seen me being my weird self that he can't tell when I'm normal and when I'm not lmao lmao lmao ness.

I miss ryan like crazy I haven't been talking to him much and Jacob too.
But ah.
Sigh.



Okok, now that all's updated, I'm gonna study. Again.



-16421
never lose your childish innocence
-Under The Tuscan Sun

Labels: Chat Log, Elle, Insanity, Jacob, School, The Queen, Weird Shiz

I'm glad to say I'm sort of improving. I don't feel sleepy anymore just, lethargic. I can't ever get rid of the lethargy, it frustrates me to no end.
My appeal against debarment failed, much to the surprise of alot of people, who also gave me false hope, but I don't blame you, I think the lecturer is really just a bias ass#@%! I think his reason for my debarment is wholly unacceptable. I don't bear grudges but I wanna learn to keep this one.

>:\


I listened to Ryan and stopped taking the pills. And I tried psycho-ing myself into the proper state of mind (happiness is a state of mind!) I think I'm less weird, and more normal-ish, but I think I still have my hiccups of weirdity.


Recently, crashed orientation in one of the JCs lol. Something happened then that made me very uncomfortable, about myself even more so. I'll not elaborate.

My BIF project is irritating me, not only were the instructions to the project so vague, it might as well be nonexistent, but I've been hearing alot of unreasonable behavior of our lecturer from the other classes. If I receive any of that shit, the lecturer is gonna be sorry.

Not that I don't have respect for lecturers, but when you're being unreasonable and stupid, well, I don't think you deserve my respect afterall. So I will question you, in a way that would not cross the line, but in a way that would fully reflect your stupidity across the lecture, and your credibility would be questioned, thus, it would be a cascade of gargantuan shame for you, echoing across the student body.

And it would serve you right.


While I resent that my life has been turned upside down, just because of this debarment, I am determined to escape the state of anxiety. I will go zen! Like a monk, and not let worldly matters affect my inner mind.
Whatever that means.

My attachment is screwed up, I've to change classes AND semesters, I can't do Redcamp and OpenHouse next year anymore, I have to repeat the stupidest module in the world just because of something stupid, and everything is turning ugly.

I feel like I'm losing my friends. My mother, oblivious to everything has ridiculously high expectations of me, my father slogging away to pay for my ridiculously expensive school fees as well as transport fees (I RESENT THAT I HAVE TO PAY ADULT FAIR WHEN I AM A STUDENT) Idiocy is prevalent around me, and sometimes I feel like the biggest idiot, and I just can't control myself nor my life anymore as it swerves uncontrollably into the abyss of doom.

I wonder what it's like to be me. I've been someone else for so long, I don't remember what it's like to be myself anymore. While I am vain enough to care what people that matters think of me, I also am proud enough to care what I think of myself, and I don't think very highly of myself (equals low self-esteem) and that bothers me too, and therefore, it is a never ending vicious cycle.

Also, besides freaky things happening to me like the aircon being turned on FOR NO APPARENT REASON, I have been hearing freaky shrilling sounds that are consistent with the movement of my arms. And only my arms. I thought it was the bed squeaking so I bounced on it to see if it was synchronized but no! It responds to my arm moving up and down, and I thoroughly freaked out. I feel scared at night caz I feel my blankets moving so I pray and pray and I brave myself to open my eyes and it stopped. So I stopped taking the pills and everything is.. normal now. Nothing has happened so far and I'd like to keep it that way. I don't know what to do with myself really. Either my brain is going crazy, or the ghost in my room is umm. Yeah. There. Although Liza's theory of wonky electronics is plausible, but considering that sometimes the aircon doesnt read my remote when I am pressing on it several times? ah.

What I am going to do, however, is study for the two modules I have left. I am not going to bother going for lectures or practicals for my debarred module, why should I? I'm going to see his stupidassed face again anyway. I'm gonna focus and score A's and this will be my last post, as I take a hiatus to study and get my life back on track.

I must also remember to meet up with JWong before 19th Feb! HE'S LEAVING ME FOR DOWN UNDER HATE HIMMM HATE HIMM :( So yes, despite exams, I shall take a day off to torment him :) Or rather give him one last chance to torment me. After exams I shall remember to read all my unread books, to watch all the movies I missed out, to hang out with friends and go indulge in Starbucks and BE HAPPY, before the horror starts all over again, I shall play games be addicted to L4D and Halo, and omg bug Hokes to L4D with him, or alone, I just need the freaking gameeee tee hee. Wow, I'm already planning how to enjoy, but for now, I shall kill my eyes with protein sequences for BIF, and study and study and mug like I'm a natural born mugger.

I will be alright.

If everything isn't alright, I damn well will make it alright.



Wish me luck!



-15896
I know my posts are long and boring, but I'm too emo to care.


P/S:
Special thanks to Timo for your kind offer in financial help :)
Special thanks to clique for not holding it against me (I hope) and being there for me while I'm a dysfunctional self-destructive emo.
Prayers for Alfred's sis who's in labour :)
Much love to Jacob and Ryan, one emo and the other having a blast in OZland -.-

Labels: Babies, Elle, Emo Nemo, Insanity, Jacob, Mum, School, The Queen

"You look like a gay cowboy, and you look like a gay terrorist." - James May












-not ben

Labels: Jacob, Quote, The Anarchist

Dear witnesses, I will be gone for a good week so you'll be stuck with the other two. Good luck!







-not adrian

Labels: Jacob, The Anarchist

"Dear Walter,

Why is that I gag when I brush my tongue, but not when I go down on my boyfriend?"



Walter: "Well... Your toothbrush is bigger."






-not walter

Labels: Jacob, Quote, The Anarchist

Hands that reach up, pretending to grab a star.
Or at least to touch one.
It's the high you give, the hope I live for.
As the light seeps through my fingers, the tears cry “Freedom”
For all I can do is wish.
I wish on the star to give itself to you.
Just as you are a star that's been given to me.
It is your light that keeps me aware.
Aware that your warmth is true.
It is your warmth that melts my heart.
Melts the heart into a peaceful stream.
And air seems obsolete.
For you fill my lungs with something more pure than the air we breathe.
It's purity lined with sweet serenity.
Like the light of the stars, your love is just as pure and beautiful.




-not susan

Labels: Jacob, Paperbag

Breathe hard because the pounding won't relent
Excruciating swelling of the heart cripples the lungs
And the shade of blue starts to look good
Each beat takes a breath
Consistent hits without rythem
This unintended suicide is stable
Slowly but surely
This heart will kill





-not alright

Labels: Jacob, Paperbag

"There is no excellent beauty, that hath not some strangeness in its proportions" - Sir Francis Bacon


Perfection is overrated. Individuality is understated.


Enough said.







-not sam

Labels: Jacob, Paperbag, Quote

A rich man and a poor man met up after christmas and talked about what presents they got for their wives.

The rich man said, "I got my wife a ring and a BMW. That way if she doesn't like the ring she can drive to the store to return the ring in the BMW."

The poor man said, "I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself!"




-not jimmy

Labels: Jacob, Joke, The Anarchist

I just remembered that I forgot to add this in. In one part of The Happening, the mysterious wind comes by and this zoo keeper went into the lions enclosure and got them to attack him.

That's where our Mandai zoo keeper got his idea from!

(Those of you who aren't from Singapore won't know about this story. A zoo keeper decided to commit suicide by provoking the tigers.)








-not stacey (that's not my name. that's not my name.)

Labels: DVD, Jacob, The Anarchist

Witnesses,

There are times in life where one will think to one self, "Why is this the way it is?" Or "Why is this called what it is?" Questions that baffle the mind, questions that you think will make you sound stupid to another person if you ask. Questions such as why is the sky blue? (Don't come over to my house for dinner if you know the answer.) We accept things the way they are without knowing how they work because we grew up with it. Be it a version one or an upgrade. But still every once in a while, when the light hits you just right, and the clouds are full and fluffy, and the moon is almost the shape of an egg, the question pops into your brain. It is the curiosity that becomes a squatter and finds shelter at the back of your brain which then leads to the formation of a cyst because of the poor hygiene squatters have, unless you find the answer. Finding the answer will give you a boot full of pride in yourself and a sense of "I think I've got smarter :D" especially when you figure it out yourself. And I had one of those moments today.

I have an online friend who has a fascination with my butt. My friend is a girl, so that makes things less weird, and more kinky. Heard of the term "friends with benefits?" Well we are sort of like that, but not really. "Friends with benefits" implies sex. But our benefits are strictly restricted to molestation. A lot of *pinches butt* happens in our online conversations. And it got me thinking, why do butts have cheeks? Or why are they called butt cheeks? Nothing of the facial cheeks resembles that of a butt. Unless you're ugly, thus the term "butt ugly". But people better than ugly would know what I'm talking about. Our facial cheeks don't form a facial crack like our butt cheeks do, nor do they make flapping noises when air passes through the crack because you sneezed. Bubble fart sneeze, that's what it's called. So why do our facial cheeks have to share their name with our butt? I figured the answer from all the pinching. See when you pinch or slap a butt cheek (both actions that can be used on facial cheeks), it turns red like your butt is blushing. Blushing? What else blushes? Facial cheeks!


So witnesses, I leave you with this piece of insight. If you are butt ugly, you probably can bubble fart sneeze.






-not emo LOL (in reference to elle's part 1 and part 2 post)

Labels: Jacob, Questionable, The Anarchist

Now, I know I haven't been blogging, and I know you know why. (I hope)

And a big welcome to Jacob, who will also be a contributor to this blog. Since Ryan is MIA and rarely blogs anyway, and since I will be on a hiatus very soon, due to my term tests, I shall magnanimously allow The Anarchist, Jacob, to entertain you in my absence.


I apologise for my rant in the previous post on the previous blog because I was feeling angsty, as usual, as most people my age get. I was just miffed about the way I was being treated in school, I feel like I'm being blamed for something I shouldn't be guilty about, and everyone is angry with me eventhough till today, I justly feel that no one has the right to be.


This will be my last post until the term break starts (I know I say this, but who knows, my finger might itch and you'd see another post up by me) so I shall make this long and satisfying (for me, not you.)

I've just returned from two big events, of which I have ALOT ALOT of stuff to say.





3 days.
1 camp.
And one of the most memorable experiences in life




My Spartan redcampers I LOVE YOU GUYS VERY MUCH, thank you for making my time spent in REDCamp5 so memorable, so wonderful, and so very much fun.
You guys are craaaazzy!
Seriously, you guys are barking mad. You cheer like a buncha psychos, one of you kept pinching my fat cheeks before biting it (OH MY GAWD) and I know I suck at the Chuckie game because all of you gang up against me to SABOTAGE ME of which, me being awesome and all, totally forgave you.
You make me do forfeits and I know I still owe you guys one more forfeit but I'll do it the next time you see me kay?!

Post Redcamp activities :) You'll see me there.




I heard on Matt's blog that you guys wanted one on Saturday? I'm sorry, but I have my aunt's wedding to help out, so I can't be there on Sat.

AWWWWWW
:(


It's awesome with you guys, I TOTALLY CAME UP WITH THE SPARTAN WAVE and it's so cool and amazing if you guys could see yourselves it was like whooooo!
Hahahahaha :D

And the Spartans OEI was awesome too especially when you guys go "We. Are. Spartans." AND EVERYTHING WAS DAMN SYNCRONISED how cool was that?!

Not forgetting, our signature clap, of which Miranda came up with, so credits should go to her :D

One screensaver clap!
claps~ *(O_O)*


Utterly adorable! And you guys freezed together, it was BEAUTIFUL watching you.
Thank you once again, for making me smile and omg I know about 80 of you added me on Facebook, and I was so WOAH about it, I tried replying to most of your comments on my wall, but unfortunately I'm gonna take a hiatus from everything to focus on my studies, so I won't be replying anyone for quite awhile.

Unfortunately, as fun the 3 amazing days were, where we bonded and the Spartan spirit flared in everyone, resulting in Spartans claiming the best tribe in Day 2 and also The Most Impactful Tribe in the Armageddon Award during the finale, the camp have to come to an end, and while you guys enjoy your holidays, I have ALL THE NONSENSE to catch up with xD

During the 3 days, I was so exhausted everyday, walking up and down, facilitating, making sure things runs smoothly, and minimizing the amount of time you guys feel bored(especially while waiting to move off to the cluster programs) by screaming cheers until I SLAM, according to Matt, Sound Like A Man -.- I was so afraid that me being exhausted would make you guys sian but it was all worth it because you guys rocked the house! Everywhere I go, to the RedBlog, or RedPeople Facebook, I see Spartans Spartans Spartans!

YAY!

We all went hyper together and Spartans are officially SIAO.


WHEEEEEEE!!!

♥Spartans♥RedCamp5♥







Anyway, after the entire awesomeness of RedCamp, I had to help out in my aunt's marriage the next day, which was exhausting, and I was so tired and cranky, especially when I woke up late and realised that my aunt and cousin disappeared and I had to make their beds?

Wth?

All the nonsense saigang work.



Sigh, I don't like these kinda stuff, where there isn't a proper plan or time line to stick too, and everything is all over the place, it really puts me off and makes me too lazy to bother doing anything about it.

I hate being tired and cranky. Meh. Must be the post RedCamp blues + exhaustion.
But in the end, my aunt looked gorgeous :)

I had to cancel an outing with Cass and XT because of this, awwww, but it can't be helped. And next weekend too, because that's when the celebrations would take place, in JB. Gosh, MY WEEKENDS ARE GONE.

I really need more time in a day really.



And doncha think Jacob is ridiculously hilarious?







-14196
Fairytales are more than true not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
-G.K. Chesterton

Labels: Arrival, Elle, HELLO, Jacob, The Queen