helloooo people, if I can live with your ideals, get over mineee. And stop misinterpreting!

Come on, I am not turning into a robot. If ever, I'll most likely be more empathetic! Stop being the "mature" people thinking awww this girl is trying to be different when she's actually the same. Really, lame mentality.

Like I've replied an angry person's email, I KNOW I'm not the only one in this world facing shit OH MY GOD PLEASE GET OVER YOURSELVES THAT YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME. Goodness? This is life, at some point of time, at some aspects in life, SOMEONE will have it worse than you at something. So I cannot be sad over my predicament? It's not as if I'm not getting over it? I am! Why are you guys so clogged up in your brains that you must stick to your ideals and your principles only? Be open minded, accept that people are different, people think differently. If I can accept you for who you are, then stop being a bitch to me?


For all the harping about "look at yourself" don't look at others, the entire point of the post is that I HAVE. I want to STOP JUDGING (don't you read? I really do question your intelligence now) I want to be a GOOD PERSON and it's okay that there are people with flaws! I do my best to be a better person everyday, and that is what counts. I appreciate things that are done for me and if I don't or forget to, and you find it offensive, TELL ME LIKE HOW I TELL YOU. And if you don't find an issue with it, then be happy that you made me happy! Stop playing these stupid childish games!


Like I've said countless times, I judge people. you judge people. EVERYONE will form impressions in their minds about people but ACTION IS KEY. I want to STOP acting on my judgments and I hope that the world would see the same. That though you judge, you are open-minded enough to give the person the benefit of the doubt, that they might change or actually have an amazing trait lurking beneath the nonsense that you've not seen.


I will not be friends with ANYONE. Understand? No 50% no 60% and all that bs. Goodness me. I respond to your actions(good or bad, if you are a bad person, I AM SURE I WILL RESPOND POSITIVELY TO YOUR 1% GOOD ACTION I am pretty sure you're human not satan), and I WILL BE a friend, in terms of action. I will not stand by and watch you fall or deliberately ruin your life or be heartless or be a robot. I am NOT pushing people away you retards! PEOPLE LIKE YOU make me want to push people away but I DONT. It is precisely that humans are all greys and not black and white, that's why I am a friend to everyone. Whether you take drugs, or stole a car, or bitch about people, or cheat on your lover, or are selfish, or have sex with anyone, even animals, I. Don't. Care.

What I don't want is to call you MY FRIEND. Because people like you, have to harp on it like crraaaaazzzaaayyy. I would have a relationship with you YES, it's impossible to not have a relationship with someone unless you've never met the person. Just the KIND of relationship, it would not be friendship. It would be purely based on actions on the spot.


And with regards to my exclusive few, I love you and I don't give a shit what you think about me even though I'm feeling abit of retardation from all of you. I DONT CARE. I dont care if you don't love me anymore, I don't care if you do. I love you because I love you and I do things because I love you FULLSTOP.

I don't expect anything from you SO DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING FROM MEEEEEE BETCHEZ. I am already being the best person I possibly can, yes I make mistakes and I accept my mistakes and rectify them if I knew them and knew how.

I would not be making up theories if I don't abide to them myself. SERIOUSLY, I'm not an idiot. And I don't IMPOSEEEEE my theories on you. Okay? So please get over yourselves and your ideals because it's starting to look like you think you're the better person and your theories are the only right theories and I can't have mine.

Of course my theories can have holes poked if I don't explain it well(and theories are theories not facts), I can't, it's hard for me to express myself in words, I don't have that gift, but why don't you open up your mind a little and try to see it from how I'm seeing it, because I DO KNOW HOW YOU SEE IT and I understand WHY you see it that way and I ACCEPT IT that you want to believe in it.


Like flipping religion, I can see why Christians love Jesus to death and Buddhists believe in karma and bla bla bla. It's not that I don't read up about it, I know! You've told me all about your flipping religion! And I see where you're coming from and I accept it, I just choose not to believe in it!


I don't want nouns to express how I feel about you, unless it's something like family (DNA will kick your ass trying to deny it)or boyfriend or girlfriend (THERE IS SOMETHING WRONGGG with your r/s if you don't want a status because these are steps before marriage, BEFORE FAMILY, the commitment needs to be there)

But friends? The commitment DOES NOT need to be there. There is no ties. You're speaking up for me Jacob, like the rest of you. There is no ties. ONLY LOVE. Friends does not equal love! LOVE IS LOVEEE. Because I have you in my personal regard, because I LOVE YOU, I WILL be there for you I WILL have a commitment to YOU. okay? And it is not easy to love someone so NO I DO NOT LOVE EVERYONE. (And if you don't love your family and boyfriend or girlfriend then it sucks to be you)

So NOOOOO god I just don't believe in friends, get over it, if I don't love you, TOO BADDD I am sure someone else does (You still have family you whiny ass) and if I do, WOW GOOD FOR YOU. one more person in your life loves you, don't you feel loveddddd?


Basically I will be the same person my actions are the same, IF you had not known and read this post, YOU WOULD FIND NO SIGNIFICANT CHANGE IN ME, the only thing that has changed is my PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE. so why are you finding an ISSUEEEEE with me?
I am THIS sort of person, a person who analyses things and I do it because I find it important, you have your own set of things important to you and I have mind.
I find it important because it defines my purpose and how I feel and perceive about life, the journey that I AM TAKINGGG NOT YOUUUU LALALA HELLO HELLO WAKE UP. STOP SHAKING ME CAZ I AM AWAKE.


Look at the gazillion people in my life whom I call friends. Really, wont you find it more offensive that I consider an insignificant person friends and you friends when youre more significant to me?
So what I do, I do, because I care in some way but to hell with friends. I do it not because "it's what friends should do." screw that okay? Everything I do MEANS something, and in your point of view you would call it "friendship"

I don't. Okay? I call it love. Personal regard. Whatever. Different people, different degree of regard. GET OVER ITTTT.

Stop trying to show me that I am wrong and yet tell me at the same time "there is no right and wrong" YOU look who's doing the judging. hypocritical bunch of shits leh all of you! wahlao! Must bombard me for what I believe in? I am so disappointed in all of you! haha and I don't really care if you're disappointed in me or son't want to be friends with me. like everything else in life, I can live with it and I can move on. Just because I can, does not mean I am a robot and you are such wonderful empathetic human beings. Fuck off.

NOW, I want to talk about my day hahahaha. Hmm I watched Detroit Metal City, the first few episodes of the anime and OMG SO FUNNAYYY HAHAHAHA-

eh wait, I forget to tell Jacob I love him too eventhough he always think he's better than me and everyone and drive me crazy. See? I told you. I love means I love forever AIYO LEAVE ME ALONE LAH. No "friends" to love me also never mind. My family does and hopefully a future husband to have a family with. TADA! Happiness. Hehehehahaha.-

OKAY continue. Anyway remember Singapore Idol? the third season (latest one) there was this dude in long blonde hair and costume and face painting I JUST WATCHED DETROIT METAL CITY SO NOW THEN I REALISED WHO KRAUSER IS HAHAHAHAHA

You see, in Detroit Metal City, Krauser is this crazy metal screamo guy, lead singer of a screamo metal band. BUT this guy accidentally joined that band, he thought it would be a lovey dovey meaningful soft melodious tunes kinda band. BECAUSE HE IS ACTUALLY that kinda of person! But the sad thing is that he is good at being metal screamo and his love songs SUCKSSSS. Hahahaha! And everytime the anime shows him trying to sing love songs he looks soooo retarded and gay and mushy BAHAHAHA

So, my point is, Krauser on SG Idol I SALUTE YOUUUU. The irony is BEAUTIFULLL how you dress like that and purposely sing a love song hahahaha THE JUDGES ARE STUPID. Your voice isn't that bad and you should make it through and they should appreciate the irony. But sadly, eventhough the judges are immersed in the MEDIA industry, they don't know the existence of KRAUSER, shame on you! Aiyah, I think the judges are retarded to begin with so whatever.

(Hate Dick Lee. He's a dick hehehehehe and Florence is really a Lian. Don't know anything but act like know everything. Ken is arrogant and think he so damn good. BUT I respect that occasionally his comments are professional and made sense. Other than that, I think all three judges are RUDE and purposely try to mock and diss people because they think they are so funny and give entertainment value. Disgusting. Even American Idol isn't mean please.Singaporeans really over do things.)

And then I recently I also watched Survivor (just the last episode because I cannot be bothered with TV) AND OMG ASS TO THE MAX RUSSEL SHOULD HAVE WON. I was so upset, Russel was so upset UGHHH people are just sore losers and sometimes need to OPEN UP THEIR MINDS and see that the bad people have good in them and that eventhough russel betrayed everyone like siao and lie and deceive and manipulate and use people? HE DID IT FOR THE GAME. It is how you play the game! And they should stop taking it personally and give him the win because HE deserves it! Jaison is stupid because he said in real like "you would hate the Russel and you wouldnt want to let him win" OMG YOU CHILDISH BRAT IN REAL LIFE, YOUR PRIZE IS DEATH.
Idiot.

You die, you go to heaven or hell. So the point of the game of Life, is to do good things, live a purposeful life and ENJOY THE JOURNEY. In survivor, SCREW THE JOURNEY ONLY 1 MONTH WHAT, and you get a million dollars! Doesn't mean that Russel is a bad person! He just know what to do in the game! Wahlao! hate sore losers and people who take it personally. I AM SO UPSET FOR RUSSELLLLLL :( Russel I am officially your number 1 fan because I APPRECIATE THAT HOW YOU PLAYED THE GAME WAS AN ART MAN. WOOOAAHHH
hahahahahaha

shiz man my post is very long and I have chores to do but I really don't feel like doing them. I feel like eating. RAWR. I really feel like eating.SIGHZ it seems I am gaining weight even thought I cut down on my food.WTHHHH. And I have been exercising (though not as often as I want to)sigghhhh not enough! Must do more! RAWR.

Hokes is my favouritest boy in the world. That's why he's my boyfriend. Not the other way around. Yay! It seems I still cant wear that halter dress. Sad. I want to make custard tarts. Without growing fat. maybe give some to my aunts, cousins and hokes' family too. Hmm. I would give Jacob too. But he would never meet me. And Ryan but he's overseas. And other people but they are angry with me. TOO BAD. no yummy tarts for you! until you want to talk to me. because actually i am ok. HAHA. contradictory. Im ok if youre ok. OK! my mama is being annoying but I love my papa like crazy suddenly caz I thought he almost died. Sigh, it's so cute when your parents show you they love you. SEE. NO MATTER WHAT MUST RESPECT YOUR PARENTS. even if they are wrong and retarded. omg I really feel like eating tarts. See? this is how my train of thought travels.

I am weird.

Labels: Angry Bombs, Brother, Elle, fweedom, HELLO, Insanity, Jacob, Mum, Of Hokums and Honeystars, Questionable, Religion, ryan pwns asses, The Anarchist, The King, The Queen, Weird Shiz

Holy turds I haven't been updating my blog in ages. Haven't talked to Ryan and Jacob in ages too. Awww the spaces between us are wider! Even I've been neglecting Hokes (sorry dear) just get caught up in things and well it's just taxing to finish everything in the weekdays just so I can have the weekends untouched and for Hokes and only Hokes. I really do love spending the entire day uninterrupted with him :)

So really, I would prefer anything else to just be slot on a weekday tyvm :)

Time flies and gosh it's 2 weeks to common tests. SHITS. Serious lack of time now. It seems I cannot decide whether I want to be alone in school or not. People (or person in fact) have been sticking to me in lectures and leeching off my reputation and I DON'T LIKE. I hate being used but then again, work needs to be done and I need help, so I cannot be a loner as much as I would like to be.

WAI DONT PEOPLE UNDERSTAND?


So okay, everyone else is being cooperative (goooood gooooood very gooooooood!!!) they established a nice "hi-bye" relationship with me, which I like caz I don't really wanna "talk and have fun" with you in lectures. I actually wanna listen and be in my own little world. SO IT'S GOOD! Thank you rest-of-the-world! But this particular person keeps sms-ing me whether I'll be going for lectures and basically stalking me because he wants to sit with me in lectures so he won't look like a loser. I RESENT THAT HELLO. Firstly, your reputation is bad. Nobody likes you and you sticking with me? It makes people think that the only friends I have, is you. And you like that because my reputation is well, I'm not popular, but people certainly know me. so... NO, you aint rolling with me boy.

But then again, I don't mind actually, I mean I'll be your friend, if you are a person worth being friends with, I would. But since you are just using my reputation? I'm gonna play your game. AINT GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN BITCH. So, from being indifferent to my reputation, since you do care, I'm gonna care and make sure you don't get what you want (and destroy my rep at the same time)

Plus, you are disgusting. Stop staring at my boobs! SPEAK TO THE FACE! the fat face but face nonetheless!

Besides all of that, this particular person is being less repulsive (if that is even possible) this year, he's been reading psychology/self-help books AND NOT UNDERSTANDING IT because his English sucks but have been discussing it with me (and I like this kinda stuff) so I'll explain them to him. I. Am. Such. A. Nice. Person.
Lmao, and no I'm not being conceited. I'm trying to make myself believe in that so that I'll actually turn out to be a nice person! Get it? Hahhaahaha.


My mum's friends are so annoying and wonderful and annoying AND NOT FAIR they keep buying her stuff, like bags and clothes and it's so wtf-ing. I do not understand the concept of it all(?????) but well this is how the dice rolled for her so okay. One of her friends wanted to give her a Guess bag (FOR GOD'S SAKE GIVE MEEEE) and told her if she didn't like it, she can give it to me! (PLEASE HATE IT PLEASEEE) hahahaha I guess God is compensating her for having such a horrid daughter. Sorry mum. But it is afterall my life. But hey! I'm doing my best to make you happy!

Mum has like what? 5 bags given as gifts from her friends? and countless clothes and scarves. RAWR. Sorry, I don't have sincere friends that would give me gifts because they have too much money and because they love me. The friends who do love me mostly dont have too much money.

I'm still wondering what I'm supposed to do with 21.
Oh if you don't know what 21 is. Here you go.


Mission name: 21
Objectives: Live your life.


So basically at 21, I'm gonna stop letting mum force me to do things. Of course I want to be an air stewardess but... I don't see it happening without mum disowning me. Sigh... what a depressing topic.
Anyway! basically my plan is that at 21, I'll begin this transition where I'll do things without asking her permission, but merely informing her in advance what I'm gonna do.


WHICH IS BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS BTW PPL! I'm not a prisoner afterall! So I'll begin like going out as and when I like. (I predict a huge fight will explode from this) But I will persevere and CONDITION her to get used to me LIVING MY LIFE. I will stay over at people's house as and when I want to (don't worry, I respect my parents enough to make sure they're either family or close girlfriends) I will keep my curfew at 12 midnight. And I will go overseas with my friends and no one can stop me. NO ONE. OKAY?

I want to live, really live before I'm tied down with responsibilities like a stable job and a family (like children and all that) I lived my life for you all these while! It's time to live for ME. I'm so sorry that our ideals clash and our lifestyles are vastly different but it doesn't give you any right to puppet me!


yay!
I will go through with this, I want this so bad and I love my parents (grudgingly) I do, so I want them to be happy but I MUST TEACH THEM TO BE HAPPY WITH ME. With the real me...



Anyway, CHRISTMAS IS AROUND THE CORNERRRRR!!! So exciting, but yeah yeah I know as a Muslim you're not supposed to celebrate this stuffs. Aww. But I don't believe in it doesn't mean I can't enjoy the festive feel, right..? I'm not doing traditional stuffs, I don't give presents and eat turkey and all that jazz so it's alright right?
TOTALLY LOVEEEE the decoration and lights and it feels so magical and fantasy like ooooohhh, the atmosphere is nais. :D but man life is such a bitch how they celebrate christmas and chinese new year on a much grander scale. DAMN YOUS. so unfair! If Deepavali is the festival of lights YOU SHOULD HAVE MORE LIGHTS EVERYWHERE THAN CHRISTMAS!!! I can totally think up a good mood and atmosphere for Deepavali. And Hari Raya? Go traditional! DAMNNN we have such good cultures STOP WESTERNIZING IT'S SO GAY AND WANNABE-ISH so embarrassing!

But well Singapore is LIKE THAT, damn retarded I still can't make up my mind whether to migrate or not, I love the country but the people? DAMNNNN. Hahaha

Wow, my ideal Christmas would be bright beautiful decorations, especially a giant christmas tree, warm fireplace AND IT WILL BE SNOWING OUTSIDE HOW MAGICALLL IT MAKES YOU WANNA BELIEVE IN SANTAAAAA but santa doesnt exist so no I don't believe in santa, nor christmas DOESNT MAKE IT ANYLESS EXCITING!

It's about setting the mood! Man, maybe I should be an events planner! Hahahaha ok maybe not >.>

And ew I'm blabbing too much!



Ughhhh gotta document my life down, words are so important to me. It can make or break a legend, words live forever if there is someone to read it! (and understand it) so despite having a life and being busy, I shall make an effort to pen down my thoughts on a more regular basis. Till next time! Be nice!

Labels: Elle, HELLO, Insanity, Mum, Of Hokums and Honeystars, Random Mandoms, Religion, ryan pwns asses, School, The Queen, Weird Shiz

ooh. life is actually.

well.

it's actually the same.


I think I'm learning to deal with it better? I've been dealing with my parents SUPERBLY. and I've learnt how to control my temper with them. HO HO I am so proud of myself. I try not to think about how depressing it is too much. Sigh, 21. When I'm 21 I'll deal with it again. I AM STILL LIKE SO AWESOME.


I actually really want to be an air stewardess. HAHA. It's kinda like, my childhood dream. I mean maybe just work and travel for 2 years. Wow. See the world before I settle down. Wow. That will never happen. Wow. My mum will ask "WHERE'S YOUR TUDUNG?"

Mampos. Wow.



I am studying very diligently this sem :) WEEEEE, this time a 4.0 is very possible, IF SOMEBODY HUH, there's a SOMEBODY who is in all of my groups and is EXTREMELY IRRITATING, as if the drama last year wasn't enough. You better not be leeching off me and refuse to share your answer with me okay? DISGUSTING. I hate people, I hate working with people, I hate group work and projects RAWWWRRR but surprisingly people think I'm a people person because of my extroverted personality. HAHA little do they know HOW BITCHYYYYY I AMM.



WHICH, I am trying to tone down :( I mean really, I don't want to be like that but some people are just begging for it, seriously. So if everyone would just do me a favour and leave me alone, I LIKEEEEEE being alone! omg such a drastic change, but when I need to do work or study or some serious shit, I need solitude. I focus better. Sigh, I'm too easily distracted.
(HAHA after typing out this post half way i went on to facebook lololol okok I'm back)



I am also trying to lose weight, or rather decrease my appetite because eversince Hokes came into my life, he turned me into a pig. I also want to tone my body because Hokes the beloved likes playing with my flab and oh god the thunder thighs. non-stop suaning there :(
haha but jwong says that weight gain is a sign of a healthy relationship.
OKAAAY I guess that's a good thing but I have no desire to end up being a fat flabby walrus, NAH UH, so I shall start training for my napfa too :)

I need more time to do things caz I feel like doing so many things!




Went to Hokes' POP where he'll get a sexy blue beret, haha I have to say his cousin seriously keep cracking me up. lmao siao. and Hokes looks adorable and HOKES PAPA IS SO FUNNY AHAHAHAHHA he was the first to spot Hokes in the parade square (AWWW PAPA!) and then when he tried to take a picture of hokes, HE ZOOMED IN AND TOOK SOMEBODY ELSE'S FACE HAHAHHA HOKES PAPA HOW CAN YOU RECOGNISE YOUR SON FROM FAR AND NOT IN CLOSE UP ZOOOOMED BAHAHAHA OMG SHO KEWT I CANNOT TAHAN.


omg seriously Hokes' family is sho funny through out the whole thing keep laughing, and omg we kept dissing the place too ahahaha aiyo so cute.




:)
I will always try to be my best :)

Labels: Elle, Insanity, Morning Madness, Of Hokums and Honeystars, Random Mandoms, School, The Queen

I am PMS-ing.

Labels: Bitch-mode, Elle, Emo Nemo, Insanity, The Queen, Welcome me

I just want to eat something. Or sleep.


But I can't caz I gotta wait till 12 midnight to take my meds.



Rawr?


Okay I guess since I haven't been blogging, I should finish this post proper. Well see, the reason I haven't been blogging is because I don't feel the need to. Amazing isn't it? I always thought it was an outlet, one of the more essential outlets in my life because if I don't blow off steam here, I'd morph into one of the most crazy bitch this planet has ever seen.

I guess I'm changing again? Haha I don't come online often, and when I do I don't feel like talking to anyone. And if I've got something on my chest I need to vomit out, there's Hokes who's perpetually asking me regarding my well-being so how not to tell the lovely boy? Well, actually I do enjoy talking to him, I don't know how he puts up with me, really I don't because while I was being such a bitch, I even annoyed myself.

I'm lucky :D

Let's see, today started off crappy. First thing in the morning a bird shat on my arm. It was warm. Awesome. Warm white poop dripping down my right arm and people around were sniggering and holding their laughter. GLAAAAD I MADE YOUR DAAAAY.

So I had to wipe it off with paper since I didn't bring any tissue, and walked all the way to the train station's toilet before I can wash my arm.
Oh god talk about gross.


What a bad mannered bird. You shouldn't poop so inconsiderately. Look at hamsters, they know how to poop in a corner. You wouldn't like someone pooping on you would you?



On a less disgusting note, recently went over to Hoke's godsis's place. Apparently, his family has alot of these family gatherings which I find very nice and wish my family had more of these. I think we used to but my parents kinda screwed relations in my family. Ah well. Maybe it was me. I don't know. I love all of you, you know? Sigh. Even though I don't know how to express it properly.

ANYWAYS, Hokes and his bros and cousins went to the room to play Wii and omg it was hilarious. I've never laughed to hard in ages. :D I was afraid to intrude on family time, you know how people tend to be more comfortable with their own family rather than outsiders but I learned from life that if you try, they'll try too and I think everyone got along just fine :D

The most epic Wii moment was when we were playing this mini game called B.R.U.S.H. by some bunny game and you're supposed to move the controller according to the actions on screen.

Like you move up and down when it's a toothbrush to brush your teeth.
Left and right for a razor to shave your chin.


EPIC MOMENT: I moved up and down when I saw a razor (accident! I swear!) and my bunny started razoring his teeeth hahahahahaha with sparks flying hahahaha omg I swear I laughed so hard I couldn't play the rest of the game properly xD


Went to Island Creamery for dessert and MMMMMMM YUMMEHZ. I talked more to Hokes' brothers more in a day than I have in the entire 6 months I've known them. And they seriously crack me up.

SAW CASS NGGGGG ♥ who was with her classmates, gave her a hug but left caz the family split into 2 groups, adult and kids and kids corner were at MacDs where Hokes' 2nd bro was feasting. Conversations includes Mac and Microsoft debate which is something I have no stand on at the moment.

(I can't judge caz I've never used a Mac- and you need to be a regular user before you can properly judge)

Oh oh and Hokes' nieces are uber adorableeeee. I kept stealing them and carrying the younger one (I seriously had to control myself from raining her with hugs and kisses) the older one seems friendly with me now, she constantly try to get my attention WHICH I LOVE caz she always ignore me the previous times I've seen her.

Hahahaha I like his family alrdy. I need to thank so many of them I'm losing count. They were awfully nice and welcoming and awwww :')



Oh did I mention we tried to cook pasta for lunch that day? And kinda failed caz it tasted weird and funny but still alright, we finished up our meal and Hokes' 2nd bro went for seconds HAHA yeah his bro ate our cooking hahahahahaha epicccc.


:) Wii is officially the coolest thing on earth according to me. :D I'm so gonna save up for one in future :D:D And omg can someone please please please buy me Season 1-6 of Grey's Anatomy so I can sit and eat chips and go on a Grey's marathon. That would be awesome shit.


I MISS HOKES the dodo is in armyyyy and I won't see him till Sundayyyy gaaaaayyy. Ryan has been keeping me company with random heartwarming short emails and texts and our occasional go-crazy-and-retardedly-random conversations at night when I actually bother coming online. Other than that, Hokes and seeing Cass Lee for FYP, that's the only human connection I get apart from my family.


Told you I'm antisocial.
I'm pretty much alone these days, but I'm not lonely. I kinda like it. I was lonely once. It was at night and I was emo (as usual, I'm always emo at night) but Ry cheered me up :) That was also when I was PMS-ing.

I'm actually quite contented with life, despite irritating Singaporeans, FYP, tutoring and stuffs that has kept me from enjoying my hols. But yeah, life is boring, slow, monotonous, routine-d and uneventful save for random things like Hokes' family gathering, I'm not worrying.

I think I've accepted that I screwed up my life and now the only thing you can do is make the best of it. And I am, and enjoying it too. I hope this feeling lasts caz the next time I PMS I'm gonna ruin it all and feel like shit again.

And wow. This is a pretty long post. Not bad.
:)

Labels: Babies, DVD, Elle, Insanity, Of Hokums and Honeystars, Random Mandoms, ryan pwns asses, School, The Queen, Weird Shiz

#1 How I'm such a Beeyatch.
Inspired by my brother when I asked him what I should blog about.

Beeyatch(n): An unpleasant, rude girl.


1) When I was in the bus. I saw Fauzi and Shaun. I said hi. They said, Why don't you have a seat (refers to window seat in front). A woman was sitting next to that seat (aisle seat). I said, DONT WANT. I DONT WANNA CLIMB OVER MOUNT EVEREST. She looked up at me, smiled apologetically, and moved in.

:O
BEEYATCH!


2) I make racist jokes to my brother about his dark skin colour everyday. He finds it so funny, he can't help laughing along.

:O
BEEYATCH!


3) I scold people in the lab loudly but indirectly for being slobs. "WHO THE HELL NEVER REFILL PIPETTE TIPS HUH? LIKE NEVER DO LAB BEFORE LIKE THAT WAH LAO."

:O
BEEYATCH!


4) When someone hit my leg accidentally with his shopping bags, I apologised. When he just ignored me, I screamed," YOU HIT PEOPLE LEG THEN NEVER APOLOGISE!" Much to the shock of Hokes and the people around me. The D-bag walked away ignoring me. (to be fair, my leg hurt a hell alot)

:O
BEEYATCH!


5) I did all of these things without feeling bad for being a beeyatch.


:O

ENOUGH, I shall now mend my ways. PATIENCE is once again key.

Labels: Angry Bombs, Bitch-mode, Elle, Insanity, Of Hokums and Honeystars, Questionable, The Queen

HOKES
Khalisah! I choose you!

KHALISAH
You think what? I Pokemon ah?

HOKES
Hahaha yes, do you know what type of Pokemon you would be?

KHALISAH
What? Snorlax? I bet you're gonna say I'm like Snorlax or something.

HOKES
Nope.

KHALISAH
Then?

HOKES
Electric type. You know why?

KHALISAH
Huh? Why?

HOKES
Caz you have Thunder Thighs!

KHALISAH
...

HOKES
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

KHALISAH
You're an ass. *SMACKS*

Labels: Chat Log, Elle, Insanity, Of Hokums and Honeystars, The Queen

You're a stupid lecturer!
OMG I hate studying for INAC.


Firstly, the questions that come out are stupid, redundant, unimportant yet given SUCH A HIGH WEIGHTAGE OF MARKS FART. FART FART FART.

Secondly, in your notes, you listed 4 and 5 errors for 2 different methods respectively. At the end of your notes, your revision question was;

List 6 errors involved in the preparation of volumetric solutions by each of these methods:
a)The Direct method
b)The serial dilution method

WTF YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT DIRECT METHOD. wtf is a direct method? The 2 methods previously mentioned in your notes is "Errors involved in preparing stock solution" and "Errors involved in dilution" (AND this is after I corrected your English)

I AM GOING TO ASSUME that "Errors involved in preparing stock solution" is the DIRECT FARTING METHOD you were talking about.


STILL, you want me to list 6 errors for EACH METHOD? WHEN YOU ONLY GAVE LESS THAN 6 WTF WTF WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? Are you retarded? Did someone stab you in the brain?
OMG HOW CAN YOU EARN SO MUCH MONEY AS A LECTURER WHEN YOU SUCK BALLS.


I am so pissed off studying.
Hopeless.
I HATE polytechnics. YOU HEAR ME? YES. Poly is full of SHITHEADS. Shoudve gone to a JC.


FML.



Angry,
Elle.

Labels: Angry Bombs, Bitch-mode, Elle, Hissy Fit, Insanity, School, The Queen

I am ridiculously busy that I don't even have time for my FYP! Which is troubling because FYP is number one on my priority list. Unfortunately, the school is stupid to put FYP slots that aren't in sync with my project partner's slot. And our project requires us to work together. Tada! We had very little time for FYP to begin with. In addition, lab closes at 5pm everyday. Grrreaaatt.

I'm snuggled up in bed with hot milk tea, and I'm making an effort to blog despite my hectic schedule. I think blogging is therapeutic. My stress threshold is much higher when I empty my head of excessive musings onto the blog. It's like having a reflection session. Makes me think. And unthink.

Monday
-9am to 11am classes.
-12pm onwards, work @ Prudential.
Tuesday
-8am to 3pm classes.
-3pm onwards, FYP.
Wednesday
-9am to 1pm, work @ Prudential
-2pm to 5pm classes.
Thursday
-10am to 3pm classes.
-3pm to 4pm, FYP
-5.30pm to 7pm, giving tuition.
Friday
-10am to 5pm classes.
Saturday
-11am to 12.30pm, giving tuition.
-1.30pm to 6pm, Hokes quality time.
-8pm to 11pm, Sat night religious classes.
Sunday
-11am to 12.30pm, giving tuition.
-12.30pm onwards stay at home. rest day/ family day.

So, as you can see. I'm really quite pathetic :(
And look! Only 4.5 hrs with Hokes every week! Don't use him as an excuse as to why I'm not available kay?! I'm available in the eveninggsss! I think it's just as well Hokes is in the army. I'm so busy I'd just end up neglecting him. And I know most of you get to see your bf/gf everyday or every other day so shush! Let me whine a little!

:D

I'm not bummed out that I don't see Hokes everyday though. The first 2 weeks was tough, because before that it was the holidays, and I'm so used to meeting him almost everyday. Like 3-5 times per week? And God, 2.5 weeks really feels like forever! But now I get to see him every weekend, so I'm fine :) I've got 2 of his tshirts! So his scent is keeping me company everynight yayyy. Though I'm a little worried about how he's coping in field camp. 6 days in the jungle. Eating food rations. Sleeping on cold hard ground. Aiyo, I think he's gonna lose weight. (Surprisingly he didn't lose weight during the first 2 weeks! yay!) Awww, don't lose weeeeiightt leh hokes. :( Aiyo aiyo the poor dear :(

Tsk, I miss him. Lmao.
Weekends are excitinggggg hehehehehehehehe!


Lmao.



Tomorrow would be my first day on the new job @ Prudential. It's kinda worrying. Because I'm currently the only one working on the project so the pressure is on me, and if I don't get at least 15 people to turn up for the conference then well... I'm screwed. What a thoroughly humiliating possibility.
:(
I'm so nervous lmao. Okay okay, relax kt. You can do itttt :)


I'm going to bed now :) So I can wake up bright an early for work tmr.
Goodnight!

Labels: Elle, Insanity, Of Hokums and Honeystars, School, The Queen

The BFF is over at my placeeeee.

haha she's stealing my pretty letter writing pads and writing letters randomly to random people and watching awesome songs on youtube by Andy McKee and Antoine Dufour and I'm letting her listen to PaperBag's songs and she's waiting for Sleeping Beauty to be done streaming so we can watch it (YES, we are in Disney Mood) I have OneRepublic on iTunes and we're singing along to it while she's on her phone with her BF, while mine is in the JUNGLEEEEE this very moment, I hope he's okay :/

Spent the last 3 days with Hokes, yay! :) I have a huge reserve of happy juice to last me till next week :) So I think I'll be fine :) :)

OMG Cassandra is being weird.

OMG I am disturbed.









AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



KHALISAH IS WEIRDER.










Cass said that.




Okay. I think I lost my mood to blog.
Heh.
I shall blog about philosophical musings and religion in my next post.
:)
I like Uztaz Zulkeflee. :) He's the guy whom my Dad learnt from before he converted.
I shall blog about him nexttt.


Time for Oreos!

Labels: Elle, HELLO, Insanity, Of Hokums and Honeystars, Questionable, Random Mandoms, The Queen, Weird Shiz

Okay, I've decided to move my personal issues away from this blog :) This blog shall be a happier one :)




-17425
I may create another blog if I can be bothered. ask me.

Labels: Elle, Emo Nemo, Hissy Fit, Insanity, Questionable, Random Mandoms, The Queen, Weird Shiz

I know I know.

I'm supposed to be on hiatus BUT WHATEVER.



I think I just screwed up my life even more with the BCHEM paper. Ah shucks. Ah. Shucks. Please kill me.


Anyway a bazillion things has happened, alot of which I don't wanna talk about less I go crazy again but yes.
I've been weird AGAIN, but hey, I'm improving. I think I must have been frustrating a whole bunch of people with my low self-esteem so okok, I'll.. well. Dammit, I'm so sorry but I set damn high standards for myself and I'm not fulfilling them so..


:(


A teensy bit of juicy gossip.
I've been seeing a certain someone.
And that certain someone knows the existence of this blog.
And I kinda feel weird. Lmao. Shuddup. We'll see.


Studying is not working out for me, I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT L4D I'm sorry, this is how random my train of thought is. But shuddup, I never got to touch the damned game till recently and dammit I suck hahahaha frikken noob BUT I so wanna play it until I'm not as noob as I so am now xD

Joshua Wong has left for Aus and I HATE HIM SO, hahaha but I got him, in my opinion, the most apt and awesome birthday/ farewell-see-you-in-a-coupla-years gift. I'm sure he loves it too :D


Recently, I attempted to study at Lido, saw Sam Power, had an awkward conversation, bid farewell, had Starbucks' Frapp just to realise a white guy was staring at me. He walked past several times, and as we made eye contact, he'd give a small smile. So I returned the smile, a small and almost unnoticeable one and carried on with my own nonsense, memorizing the structures of 20 amino acids.

Then, Weird White Guy (WWG) spoke to me. He was standing a little behind me with his arms crossed.


"I realized a lot of Singaporeans like to study in cafes. Why's that?"

"Umm, I don't know. I like Starbucks. Starbucks makes me happy."

"But wouldn't it be better to study at home?"

"I can't study at home, it's more distracting."

"Isn't studying here more distracting? The noise and all?" he gestures to the screen playing movie trailers softly behind me.

"Umm, well, home's my comfort zone, so I can't be in my comfort zone. My bed is really distracting, I'd fall asleep and eat and walk around doing nothing."

"Your what?"

"My bed."

"Oh your bed."

(Is my bloody accent that hard to understand?)

Then, realising that the conversation isn't gonna end anytime soon, and that it's kinda weird talking to him while I'm sitting down and looking up to him looming over me, I gave him a fork in the road.

"Would you like to have a seat?"

"Oh sure."


And WWG sat down across me.
You know, he really should've said something like awww nah, I was just passing by. I'll not bother you now, good luck with your studies! But no. So he started chatting with me in the weirdest white guy accent. It was definitely not American nor British nor Australian nor Irish. Because I can recognise those accents somewhat.


So okay. He started telling me how he can't do Chemistry, how he stole a test paper and sold it for fifty bucks, how he took drugs, meth in fact, to stay up all night several days consecutively to study.

And all I could come up with as a response was,"Well, Starbucks kinda keeps me awake."

We talked about how weird Singapore's education system is, and he wanted me to show him what I'm studying so I took out my 20 amino acid structures and gave it to him. He stares at it.

While chatting with him, I was texting Hokes and my last text msg to Hokes was "There's a weird white guy talking to me now. Ah." Or something along those lines. And I was feeling quite awkward. Am I supposed to continue studying? Caz that would be kinda rude. And chatting with him would just prove his point about studying at cafes are more distracting because of white guys like him.
Lmao. He said that I swear, and he gave me a very amused smile.

I grinned and shrugged.


Dammit lah.
Hahahahaha.


AND THEN MY HERO CAME, yayyy, Hokes the idiot, surprised me. I thought he was still at home but no! He secretly came down without telling to surprise me, which he kinda failed caz I saw him and he wasn't able to come up behind me and shock me to death or something.

So I went all," EH HIIIII! What are you doing here?!"

And Hokes noticed me and grinned and sat beside me.

WWG suddenly had a change in attitude, he completely ignored me, chatted to Hokes about ipods, and then left without saying goodbye to me.
Asshole.


I hope you can only find Creative stores around you rude bugger! I hope you never find the Apple store! NEVAH!

Lmao, but I was very glad to see Hokes. And that sweet little thing started helping memorise BCHEM and even wrote for me lists of things I should remember, WHEN I SHOULD BE THE ONE WRITING THOSE DOWN lmao, awwww.

(I wonder if you've guessed it yet)


He's been doing this alot, that scheming boy, lying to me that he's still at home, then turn up unannounced at macs yesterday where I was having lunch with the usual gang. We then went to a LAN shop and played L4D and finished the entire thing, it was fun, hilarious, and dammit, best fwen was better than me!

Then Best Fwen's BF came along, and all four of us were playing and omg sho fun.
We had dinner, and ah, it felt like a, ah. Should I just say it?
Ah.
So many things has happened.
Man.
This blog is so outdated.

ok...

it's been like this.

met hokes at cny.
crashed ac orientation.
hokes asked me out on vday, that bodoh.
i rejected M who also asked me out on vday, and i think M is an idiot(I find some people very immature even though they're so old).
i spend some time with hokes.
i went out with bff to play with horses AND THEY ARE SHO BEAUTIFULL
i smelt like hay.
i changed and went on a double date with bff and her bf and me with hokes.
watched slumdog millionaire.
damn sick parts, ouchies my eyes.
but good movie.
i agree with bff that double dates are gay.
but hey, try new things lorz.
i met up with jwong to pass him his present.
jwong gave hokes immunity to my sluttiness.
damn you.
and recently, after L4D-ing with best fwen and her bf and hokes,
we went to dinner and it felt like a second double date.
lmao-ness.


I'm so glad I don't update my blog too often. Having a small circle of readers is so my cup of tea. So yesza! Now you know. And well, I don't know what to do about it, or how's this gonna turn out, but I'm doing my best, I'm being better,I have my weirdity and even though I threw him a whole lot of shit about me, I don't know what's wrong with him, What's wrong with you, Hokes?! Are you blind?! Maybe he's only seen me being my weird self that he can't tell when I'm normal and when I'm not lmao lmao lmao ness.

I miss ryan like crazy I haven't been talking to him much and Jacob too.
But ah.
Sigh.



Okok, now that all's updated, I'm gonna study. Again.



-16421
never lose your childish innocence
-Under The Tuscan Sun

Labels: Chat Log, Elle, Insanity, Jacob, School, The Queen, Weird Shiz

I'm glad to say I'm sort of improving. I don't feel sleepy anymore just, lethargic. I can't ever get rid of the lethargy, it frustrates me to no end.
My appeal against debarment failed, much to the surprise of alot of people, who also gave me false hope, but I don't blame you, I think the lecturer is really just a bias ass#@%! I think his reason for my debarment is wholly unacceptable. I don't bear grudges but I wanna learn to keep this one.

>:\


I listened to Ryan and stopped taking the pills. And I tried psycho-ing myself into the proper state of mind (happiness is a state of mind!) I think I'm less weird, and more normal-ish, but I think I still have my hiccups of weirdity.


Recently, crashed orientation in one of the JCs lol. Something happened then that made me very uncomfortable, about myself even more so. I'll not elaborate.

My BIF project is irritating me, not only were the instructions to the project so vague, it might as well be nonexistent, but I've been hearing alot of unreasonable behavior of our lecturer from the other classes. If I receive any of that shit, the lecturer is gonna be sorry.

Not that I don't have respect for lecturers, but when you're being unreasonable and stupid, well, I don't think you deserve my respect afterall. So I will question you, in a way that would not cross the line, but in a way that would fully reflect your stupidity across the lecture, and your credibility would be questioned, thus, it would be a cascade of gargantuan shame for you, echoing across the student body.

And it would serve you right.


While I resent that my life has been turned upside down, just because of this debarment, I am determined to escape the state of anxiety. I will go zen! Like a monk, and not let worldly matters affect my inner mind.
Whatever that means.

My attachment is screwed up, I've to change classes AND semesters, I can't do Redcamp and OpenHouse next year anymore, I have to repeat the stupidest module in the world just because of something stupid, and everything is turning ugly.

I feel like I'm losing my friends. My mother, oblivious to everything has ridiculously high expectations of me, my father slogging away to pay for my ridiculously expensive school fees as well as transport fees (I RESENT THAT I HAVE TO PAY ADULT FAIR WHEN I AM A STUDENT) Idiocy is prevalent around me, and sometimes I feel like the biggest idiot, and I just can't control myself nor my life anymore as it swerves uncontrollably into the abyss of doom.

I wonder what it's like to be me. I've been someone else for so long, I don't remember what it's like to be myself anymore. While I am vain enough to care what people that matters think of me, I also am proud enough to care what I think of myself, and I don't think very highly of myself (equals low self-esteem) and that bothers me too, and therefore, it is a never ending vicious cycle.

Also, besides freaky things happening to me like the aircon being turned on FOR NO APPARENT REASON, I have been hearing freaky shrilling sounds that are consistent with the movement of my arms. And only my arms. I thought it was the bed squeaking so I bounced on it to see if it was synchronized but no! It responds to my arm moving up and down, and I thoroughly freaked out. I feel scared at night caz I feel my blankets moving so I pray and pray and I brave myself to open my eyes and it stopped. So I stopped taking the pills and everything is.. normal now. Nothing has happened so far and I'd like to keep it that way. I don't know what to do with myself really. Either my brain is going crazy, or the ghost in my room is umm. Yeah. There. Although Liza's theory of wonky electronics is plausible, but considering that sometimes the aircon doesnt read my remote when I am pressing on it several times? ah.

What I am going to do, however, is study for the two modules I have left. I am not going to bother going for lectures or practicals for my debarred module, why should I? I'm going to see his stupidassed face again anyway. I'm gonna focus and score A's and this will be my last post, as I take a hiatus to study and get my life back on track.

I must also remember to meet up with JWong before 19th Feb! HE'S LEAVING ME FOR DOWN UNDER HATE HIMMM HATE HIMM :( So yes, despite exams, I shall take a day off to torment him :) Or rather give him one last chance to torment me. After exams I shall remember to read all my unread books, to watch all the movies I missed out, to hang out with friends and go indulge in Starbucks and BE HAPPY, before the horror starts all over again, I shall play games be addicted to L4D and Halo, and omg bug Hokes to L4D with him, or alone, I just need the freaking gameeee tee hee. Wow, I'm already planning how to enjoy, but for now, I shall kill my eyes with protein sequences for BIF, and study and study and mug like I'm a natural born mugger.

I will be alright.

If everything isn't alright, I damn well will make it alright.



Wish me luck!



-15896
I know my posts are long and boring, but I'm too emo to care.


P/S:
Special thanks to Timo for your kind offer in financial help :)
Special thanks to clique for not holding it against me (I hope) and being there for me while I'm a dysfunctional self-destructive emo.
Prayers for Alfred's sis who's in labour :)
Much love to Jacob and Ryan, one emo and the other having a blast in OZland -.-

Labels: Babies, Elle, Emo Nemo, Insanity, Jacob, Mum, School, The Queen

I had the pillow over my eyes to block the glare of the ceiling light. The fan was blowing straight at me, my bolster on top of me and my laptop left beside me on the bed, not yet switched off.

My dad came in and saw me. He called out my name. I remain unresponsive.
He lift the pillow from my eyes and the glare made me squint.

"Khalisah, go turn off your laptop and sleep. Turn off the lights. Don't leave your laptop on like that, later catch fire then burn. Okay? Go sleep."


I flopped around in bed some more until I decided to get up. Dad had left the room. Groggily, I got out of bed and went to my parent's bedroom. I saw Dad sitting at the edge of the bed watching television. Mum was reading the Quran on the floor.

I talked to Dad abit. Then, I went back to my room and lay in bed. Covered the pillow with my eyes and hugged the sheets against my bolster. I stoned for a few mins and heard a quiet beep. I thought nothing of it.

Then I heard a different sort of airflow. It couldn't be the aircon, I didn't switch it on. My fan was blowing at my legs. I felt the temperature of the air colder against my legs. I frowned. Strange. I flopped my legs up and down. The air definitely felt cooler. Reluctantly, I lifted the pillow from my eyes to look at the aircon above me.

It was most definitely on.

I frowned again. I wondered if Dad switched the aircon on for me so I can sleep. Strange. If he did, he would've turned off the lights and fan too. And I would've heard him while stoning. Maybe I really fell asleep when I thought I was stoning.

I went out of my room and back to Dad's. To my dismay, he was still sitting at the same position and Mum too. Didn't look like he moved at all, let alone switched the aircon on for me. I asked Dad. He said, nope. I asked him if Mum did. He said, nope.

"Then who switched my aircon on?"

"Ooo..."Dad turned to look at me, his mouth an O.

"Hah. Cool I have a very caring ghost in my room."

"Don't anyhow say, later really got."

"Kakak, you pray then you scared for what? As long as you pray it's okay," Mum said, pausing from her Quran recitations.

"Aiyah you accidentally switch it on is it?"

"Noooooo my aircon remote is behind my TV!"

"I said already, if you pray then you don't need to be scared what, go pray go pray, you huh," Mum interrupted again.



I kept quiet. I haven't exactly been a good muslim. I then asked Dad if my bro did it. He said he doesn't know, and that I should go ask him. And I did. I left the room and asked my brother. At first he shook his head. So I thought, maybe he switched my aircon accidentally when he switched his one in his room on. Who knows, the remote could work through walls perhaps. So I asked my bro if he did. He wouldn't give me a straight answer. He turned his head round and round. I asked him again. He answered, 5 hours ago.


I gave up but I doubt he did because I went to my brother's room and it felt cold like the aircon had been on for awhile and not just switched on 5 mins ago.
I went back to my room and checked my aircon remote. It was on. Which means my aircon was switched on using my aircon remote.

WHICH WAS NOT DONE SO BY ME.


It was creepy as hell and I was disturbed. I turned my fan off and started mulling to myself.


2 hours ago I was googling Anxiety and Anxiety meds and Lexapro, the pills the doctor prescribed. They were linked to depressive disorders(what the other doctor diagnosed) and it was somewhat an anti-depressant. I was bummed. Dammit, I've been taking anti-depressants.

I wondered if my brain went crazy and maybe I actually really did switch the aircon on myself. I wondered if the pills had side-effects that made my brain crazy. I wondered if there was a ghost. I wondered if the ghost was nice, because it kindly switched the aircon on for me. I wondered if it's evil, if it wants me to sleep and not pray. I wondered if I was crazy again.

I should feel scared, but I'm relaxed in my room now. I wondered if the pills made me incapable of feeling much. So I can't feel fear. Or anxiety. That's what the pills are for right? I wondered if the pills also made me unable to be sufficiently angry at my brother when he was irritating me before. I wondered if I should continue taking the pills.


I see Ryan online.

Bye, I wanna talk to him now.




-15745
I am very disturbed.

Labels: Elle, Emo Nemo, Ghostly, Insanity, Questionable, The Queen