helloooo people, if I can live with your ideals, get over mineee. And stop misinterpreting!

Come on, I am not turning into a robot. If ever, I'll most likely be more empathetic! Stop being the "mature" people thinking awww this girl is trying to be different when she's actually the same. Really, lame mentality.

Like I've replied an angry person's email, I KNOW I'm not the only one in this world facing shit OH MY GOD PLEASE GET OVER YOURSELVES THAT YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME. Goodness? This is life, at some point of time, at some aspects in life, SOMEONE will have it worse than you at something. So I cannot be sad over my predicament? It's not as if I'm not getting over it? I am! Why are you guys so clogged up in your brains that you must stick to your ideals and your principles only? Be open minded, accept that people are different, people think differently. If I can accept you for who you are, then stop being a bitch to me?


For all the harping about "look at yourself" don't look at others, the entire point of the post is that I HAVE. I want to STOP JUDGING (don't you read? I really do question your intelligence now) I want to be a GOOD PERSON and it's okay that there are people with flaws! I do my best to be a better person everyday, and that is what counts. I appreciate things that are done for me and if I don't or forget to, and you find it offensive, TELL ME LIKE HOW I TELL YOU. And if you don't find an issue with it, then be happy that you made me happy! Stop playing these stupid childish games!


Like I've said countless times, I judge people. you judge people. EVERYONE will form impressions in their minds about people but ACTION IS KEY. I want to STOP acting on my judgments and I hope that the world would see the same. That though you judge, you are open-minded enough to give the person the benefit of the doubt, that they might change or actually have an amazing trait lurking beneath the nonsense that you've not seen.


I will not be friends with ANYONE. Understand? No 50% no 60% and all that bs. Goodness me. I respond to your actions(good or bad, if you are a bad person, I AM SURE I WILL RESPOND POSITIVELY TO YOUR 1% GOOD ACTION I am pretty sure you're human not satan), and I WILL BE a friend, in terms of action. I will not stand by and watch you fall or deliberately ruin your life or be heartless or be a robot. I am NOT pushing people away you retards! PEOPLE LIKE YOU make me want to push people away but I DONT. It is precisely that humans are all greys and not black and white, that's why I am a friend to everyone. Whether you take drugs, or stole a car, or bitch about people, or cheat on your lover, or are selfish, or have sex with anyone, even animals, I. Don't. Care.

What I don't want is to call you MY FRIEND. Because people like you, have to harp on it like crraaaaazzzaaayyy. I would have a relationship with you YES, it's impossible to not have a relationship with someone unless you've never met the person. Just the KIND of relationship, it would not be friendship. It would be purely based on actions on the spot.


And with regards to my exclusive few, I love you and I don't give a shit what you think about me even though I'm feeling abit of retardation from all of you. I DONT CARE. I dont care if you don't love me anymore, I don't care if you do. I love you because I love you and I do things because I love you FULLSTOP.

I don't expect anything from you SO DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING FROM MEEEEEE BETCHEZ. I am already being the best person I possibly can, yes I make mistakes and I accept my mistakes and rectify them if I knew them and knew how.

I would not be making up theories if I don't abide to them myself. SERIOUSLY, I'm not an idiot. And I don't IMPOSEEEEE my theories on you. Okay? So please get over yourselves and your ideals because it's starting to look like you think you're the better person and your theories are the only right theories and I can't have mine.

Of course my theories can have holes poked if I don't explain it well(and theories are theories not facts), I can't, it's hard for me to express myself in words, I don't have that gift, but why don't you open up your mind a little and try to see it from how I'm seeing it, because I DO KNOW HOW YOU SEE IT and I understand WHY you see it that way and I ACCEPT IT that you want to believe in it.


Like flipping religion, I can see why Christians love Jesus to death and Buddhists believe in karma and bla bla bla. It's not that I don't read up about it, I know! You've told me all about your flipping religion! And I see where you're coming from and I accept it, I just choose not to believe in it!


I don't want nouns to express how I feel about you, unless it's something like family (DNA will kick your ass trying to deny it)or boyfriend or girlfriend (THERE IS SOMETHING WRONGGG with your r/s if you don't want a status because these are steps before marriage, BEFORE FAMILY, the commitment needs to be there)

But friends? The commitment DOES NOT need to be there. There is no ties. You're speaking up for me Jacob, like the rest of you. There is no ties. ONLY LOVE. Friends does not equal love! LOVE IS LOVEEE. Because I have you in my personal regard, because I LOVE YOU, I WILL be there for you I WILL have a commitment to YOU. okay? And it is not easy to love someone so NO I DO NOT LOVE EVERYONE. (And if you don't love your family and boyfriend or girlfriend then it sucks to be you)

So NOOOOO god I just don't believe in friends, get over it, if I don't love you, TOO BADDD I am sure someone else does (You still have family you whiny ass) and if I do, WOW GOOD FOR YOU. one more person in your life loves you, don't you feel loveddddd?


Basically I will be the same person my actions are the same, IF you had not known and read this post, YOU WOULD FIND NO SIGNIFICANT CHANGE IN ME, the only thing that has changed is my PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE. so why are you finding an ISSUEEEEE with me?
I am THIS sort of person, a person who analyses things and I do it because I find it important, you have your own set of things important to you and I have mind.
I find it important because it defines my purpose and how I feel and perceive about life, the journey that I AM TAKINGGG NOT YOUUUU LALALA HELLO HELLO WAKE UP. STOP SHAKING ME CAZ I AM AWAKE.


Look at the gazillion people in my life whom I call friends. Really, wont you find it more offensive that I consider an insignificant person friends and you friends when youre more significant to me?
So what I do, I do, because I care in some way but to hell with friends. I do it not because "it's what friends should do." screw that okay? Everything I do MEANS something, and in your point of view you would call it "friendship"

I don't. Okay? I call it love. Personal regard. Whatever. Different people, different degree of regard. GET OVER ITTTT.

Stop trying to show me that I am wrong and yet tell me at the same time "there is no right and wrong" YOU look who's doing the judging. hypocritical bunch of shits leh all of you! wahlao! Must bombard me for what I believe in? I am so disappointed in all of you! haha and I don't really care if you're disappointed in me or son't want to be friends with me. like everything else in life, I can live with it and I can move on. Just because I can, does not mean I am a robot and you are such wonderful empathetic human beings. Fuck off.

NOW, I want to talk about my day hahahaha. Hmm I watched Detroit Metal City, the first few episodes of the anime and OMG SO FUNNAYYY HAHAHAHA-

eh wait, I forget to tell Jacob I love him too eventhough he always think he's better than me and everyone and drive me crazy. See? I told you. I love means I love forever AIYO LEAVE ME ALONE LAH. No "friends" to love me also never mind. My family does and hopefully a future husband to have a family with. TADA! Happiness. Hehehehahaha.-

OKAY continue. Anyway remember Singapore Idol? the third season (latest one) there was this dude in long blonde hair and costume and face painting I JUST WATCHED DETROIT METAL CITY SO NOW THEN I REALISED WHO KRAUSER IS HAHAHAHAHA

You see, in Detroit Metal City, Krauser is this crazy metal screamo guy, lead singer of a screamo metal band. BUT this guy accidentally joined that band, he thought it would be a lovey dovey meaningful soft melodious tunes kinda band. BECAUSE HE IS ACTUALLY that kinda of person! But the sad thing is that he is good at being metal screamo and his love songs SUCKSSSS. Hahahaha! And everytime the anime shows him trying to sing love songs he looks soooo retarded and gay and mushy BAHAHAHA

So, my point is, Krauser on SG Idol I SALUTE YOUUUU. The irony is BEAUTIFULLL how you dress like that and purposely sing a love song hahahaha THE JUDGES ARE STUPID. Your voice isn't that bad and you should make it through and they should appreciate the irony. But sadly, eventhough the judges are immersed in the MEDIA industry, they don't know the existence of KRAUSER, shame on you! Aiyah, I think the judges are retarded to begin with so whatever.

(Hate Dick Lee. He's a dick hehehehehe and Florence is really a Lian. Don't know anything but act like know everything. Ken is arrogant and think he so damn good. BUT I respect that occasionally his comments are professional and made sense. Other than that, I think all three judges are RUDE and purposely try to mock and diss people because they think they are so funny and give entertainment value. Disgusting. Even American Idol isn't mean please.Singaporeans really over do things.)

And then I recently I also watched Survivor (just the last episode because I cannot be bothered with TV) AND OMG ASS TO THE MAX RUSSEL SHOULD HAVE WON. I was so upset, Russel was so upset UGHHH people are just sore losers and sometimes need to OPEN UP THEIR MINDS and see that the bad people have good in them and that eventhough russel betrayed everyone like siao and lie and deceive and manipulate and use people? HE DID IT FOR THE GAME. It is how you play the game! And they should stop taking it personally and give him the win because HE deserves it! Jaison is stupid because he said in real like "you would hate the Russel and you wouldnt want to let him win" OMG YOU CHILDISH BRAT IN REAL LIFE, YOUR PRIZE IS DEATH.
Idiot.

You die, you go to heaven or hell. So the point of the game of Life, is to do good things, live a purposeful life and ENJOY THE JOURNEY. In survivor, SCREW THE JOURNEY ONLY 1 MONTH WHAT, and you get a million dollars! Doesn't mean that Russel is a bad person! He just know what to do in the game! Wahlao! hate sore losers and people who take it personally. I AM SO UPSET FOR RUSSELLLLLL :( Russel I am officially your number 1 fan because I APPRECIATE THAT HOW YOU PLAYED THE GAME WAS AN ART MAN. WOOOAAHHH
hahahahahaha

shiz man my post is very long and I have chores to do but I really don't feel like doing them. I feel like eating. RAWR. I really feel like eating.SIGHZ it seems I am gaining weight even thought I cut down on my food.WTHHHH. And I have been exercising (though not as often as I want to)sigghhhh not enough! Must do more! RAWR.

Hokes is my favouritest boy in the world. That's why he's my boyfriend. Not the other way around. Yay! It seems I still cant wear that halter dress. Sad. I want to make custard tarts. Without growing fat. maybe give some to my aunts, cousins and hokes' family too. Hmm. I would give Jacob too. But he would never meet me. And Ryan but he's overseas. And other people but they are angry with me. TOO BAD. no yummy tarts for you! until you want to talk to me. because actually i am ok. HAHA. contradictory. Im ok if youre ok. OK! my mama is being annoying but I love my papa like crazy suddenly caz I thought he almost died. Sigh, it's so cute when your parents show you they love you. SEE. NO MATTER WHAT MUST RESPECT YOUR PARENTS. even if they are wrong and retarded. omg I really feel like eating tarts. See? this is how my train of thought travels.

I am weird.

Labels: Angry Bombs, Brother, Elle, fweedom, HELLO, Insanity, Jacob, Mum, Of Hokums and Honeystars, Questionable, Religion, ryan pwns asses, The Anarchist, The King, The Queen, Weird Shiz

I know it's a Wednesday but I really have no mood to blog.


Until now! haha!


So, anyway, on Monday, I woke up reeeeaaall early to go all the way down to Hokes' place. I had breakfast with him and his parents, of which they paid for my meal (how nice! I must remember to pay hokes back) They then drove me down to the SAF jetty thingy where we're to take a ferry to Tekong!

And his parents are sooo awesome, they gave me a coupon to join them!


SO, I went onboard the ferry, we saw Hokes' waterpolo friend WHO ALSO LOOKS HILARIOUS BALD hahahahaha seriously xD

We arrived on Pulau Tekong and we gotta split up so Hokes and the other boys had to settle administrative issues (like uniform sizes and bunk rooms and all that jazz) while me and Hokes' parents were given a tour around Tekong.

I was kinda afraid to be left alone with his parents, caz I've never been alone with them before, but my worries were unfounded caz they were awfully nice and I feel surprisingly comfortable with them. We boarded the bus, and this army dude starting talking and he kept assuring us that our sons will be fine and the facilities are awesome and they will be comfortable and even more safe here under the awesome supervision of the army dudes ah whatever. I know you're gonna give poor Hokes hell. hahahaha IT'S OKAY. HE WILL LEARN HOW TO BE A MAN. suuuuure hahaha stupid.


We saw the bunks and the canteen and the training grounds and it really looks like a school. It looks like Crescent HAHA the colours are like beigey like in crescent. Now I have the impression that army is like a more horrible version of OBS with shitty instructors and you wake up at 4.30 am every day.

The food there is supposedly better today since the family is here, but it's still below average tasting. I can't imagine the food when we're not there. I bet it taste shitty hehehe TOO BAD. Hokes, you have to learn to stop being picky. Please don't lose weight. Sigh, I like you just the way you are now.

We went to the auditorium and sat in comfy seats and air-condition. Listened to the most boring speech in the world about how awesome army is and what they're gonna do and their purpose and whatnots I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER IT NOW maybe that's their real intention hahaha.

Then they had to take the oath.

Which is FREAKING FUNNY I LAUGHED OUT LOUD.



dude in-charge: Repeat after me. 'I'.

boys: I.

dude in-charge: 'NRIC number'

boys: (verbal vomit. everyone says their IC number at the same time hahahahaha)

dude in-charge: 'name'.

boys: (more verbal vomit hahahahahahaha)

dude in-charge: 'will swear to protect bla bla bla'

boys: will swear to protect blabblabla


Hahahahahaha


So we had a final lunch with the boys before they had to line up and march to their bunks and I gave Hokes a final goodbye kiss and hug sighhh.



Hokes: Mee, Pa, take care of yourselves k? (turns to me) You take care of yourself too k?

Mamee and Pa: Mmm.(nods)

Hokes: Mee, take care of her for me k?

Mamee: NO. I THROW HER AWAY.

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Pa:

Hokes:

Mamee: Of course I take care of her lah! Aiyo. Then what? I throw her away ah?

Me: HAHAHAAHHAHAA

Pa:

Hokes:

Mamee: You ah.

Hokes: Okok you take care of youself too k? Bye bye!



Lmao seriously, I can make a comedy out of the conversations I hear.


His parents are seriously adorable, I feel like they're my own parents really. Pa was always all today very hot, must drink more water and so I'd drink water from the bottle. And Mee (Hokes calls his parents Pa and Mee. Mee as in from Mummy. you know. ah whatevs hahaha) would call me young lady at first, telling me to be careful and watch my step when we're boarding/alighting the ferry or bus or when we're walking down the stairs. Then she took to calling me dear and asked me if there's any food I wanna get, joking with me about army dudes hahaha she once thought that this army dude fully uniformed with green and black face paint and all was a statue! and she almost poked his face AHAHAHAAH and then she started laughing to herself when she realised it was a real man lmao didn't I say they were adorable?

While Mee was away talking to the whoever it is in charge of Hokes' company, I sat down in the canteen with Pa and we constantly had funny conversations. (I found them funny and cute actually) Pa would ask me about my school and course and universities and what Hokes applied to, and it would lead to me asking him about Hokes' brothers. We talked about PK and SL (the brothers) and what course PK was in and how I'm in the same year as his cousin and seeing as we're all from NP too.

Then during the talk about army equipment and uniform, Pa asked me if I've ever been on the Tekong tour and asked me if I had a brother and I said yeah but he's younger and Pa would tell me how my bro would go through this too and how good it is for him but we ended up talking about SL(the first brother) in army previously and how PK is going into army soon (the second brother) I don't think I've ever heard his Dad talked so much before, he's always a quiet looking man hahahaha.
Maybe I ask too many questions? Or he likes talking about his sons. HE'S ADORABLE DID I MENTION THAT? hahahaha omg i'm so weird.



After hokes left, in the ferry on the way back to Sg, Mee offered me some sour preserved peaches and they're yummy. All of us were so tired, walking around Tekong and IT WAS SO HOT. Blardy.


We walked back to the car, me chatting with Mee abit about fishing and then they drove me to Habourfront MRT station.

I was sleepy in the car so I stoned alot looking out the window, generally missing Hokes to bits.

Then, I overheard this really funny conversation between his parents. It's in English mixed with dialect and Mandarin. But they were mostly speaking in dialect or smth. Or maybe it's justt Mandarin but my ear got problem hahaha.


Mee: (was talking about PK for awhile. PK couldnt make it today. was relief teaching) You know, PK almost make one of his students cry you know?

Pa: Hmm.

Mee: Tsk that PK ah. At least he can control his students. Got discipline. Sumore he very big-sized.

Pa:

Mee: Wah... Song Loo cannot man. He sure cannot one.

Pa:

Mee: But PK can la. If Hoe Khoon... Aiya Hoe Khoon ah. Cannot make it lah. Hoe Khoon will go and play with the kids already.


HAHAHAHAHAHA
OMG I found that so hilarious I was grinning in the backseat hahahaha.



So they dropped me off outside Vivo and I thanked them and promised to drop by their shop soon to pass them something (HEHE DONT TELL YOU WHAT) And I slept in the train all the way home.


I miss you chubby bunny! I've been spamming him with smses all day so he can read them all at night, I know he'll be too tired to call and talk to me or it would be lights out and he cant call caz if the sarge walking around. So sms spam is nice :)
I'm an awesome girlfriend hahaha riiiight. On the ferry, before he left for army, I gave him my whistle necklace thingy. It's a small wooden less-than-an-inch-long rectangular whistle with black and silver design and my name on it. I had it made last year. It has a thick and long black string around and Hokes wanted it, so I gave it to him to keep him company in army :)

I also gave him my ugly alumni card with my face on it, caz he wanted a picture of me and I forgot to print one. We didnt think of it earlier :( Hokes gave me his blue ezlink card with his retarded sec 1 face on it HAHAHAHA the exact same hairstyle he has now. awwwwww :)


Mee thinks his botak hairstyle now is adorable, so geram you know, he looks like when he was younger last time hahahaha.



Before he left, Hokes also gave me the t-shirt he wore the night before. It has his scent on it :) And I keep breathing in the scent sighh, he smells good :) But the scent is fadingggg :(



I miss you.


-17788
I'm not used to this.

Labels: Brother, Chat Log, Elle, Of Hokums and Honeystars, The Queen, Weird Shiz

Now,

I know I'm supposed to take my anxiety pills every morning, but I don't (teehee) BECAUSE (I wonder if I've said this before) I hate medicine.

I really do.

It's not the taste, or the swallowing or anything.
I'm perfectly fine with it.
It's the idea of taking medicine.

As far as possible, I'd like to train my antibodies and stuff.
Like, make them uber strong to defeat anything ill causing.
And if I need medicine like antibiotics to get well, then alright I'll take it, caz you know, antibiotics to fight the bacteria and stuff.

BUT PAINKILLERS?
Nevah. I'll live with the pain.
And oh my god, anxiety pills?

That's twice as retarded.
I mean I only eat it caz it cost me 70 forking bucks. So yeah, I don't wanna throw 70 bucks away.
But as far as possible, I'm gonna PSYCHO myself into being NOT anxious and PSYCHO myself into sleeping right.

Which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't, but it definitely takes a whole lot of my energy.
It zaps me of everything seriously. I try sooo hard, that I barely have the energy to do anything else.




I know, I know.
But yes, I am a fan of Pon and Zi and Jeff Thomas (the guy who drew them)
And there's a very tragic story behind him but now he's finally going back to an awesome art school and omg I FEEL IRRATIONALLY HAPPY FOR HIM.

Like, if I had friends who went through shit, and finally, life rights itself again for them, I'd sincerely be retardedly happy for them, but Jeff Thomas is like, some dude, that I've never met nor conversed with. But I feel happy for him.
Strange.

And the Pon and Zi pic above made me smile :)




ANYWAY, people around when have been commenting about my behavior WHICH I FIND STRANGE, because I feel fine. Really. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking or just too lazy to make facial expressions or my usual retarded verbal vomit, but that's just because trying to stay awake zaps my energy, so I become extra lazy even with the smallest things. Including smiling. So no, I'm not sad, or depressed OR WHATEVER SHIT, I'm fine.

You know, when you have to stay up all night to finish something really important, like how your body just wants to sleep so badly, but you're awake because the sheer importance of what you have to finish keeps you from sleeping, so your eyes are open?
You know that feeling?

I feel like that every single day.
In bright sunny daylight.
I feel like I'm keeping myself awake.

It's not hard. But it's not easy either.




And it's also kinda strange how all my friends realised how weird I've become and not my family.
Strange.


And I've decided I never really changed when it comes to tutoring kids.
Kids make me feel so... right.
Like I'm doing what I have to do, and it's right and it's okay, and I stop feeling sleepy and my headaches stop and I'm not as ultra lethargic as I was.

I realised I digress alot and talk in circles, but that sufficiently illustrates how my train of thought is moving.
:/
Anyhoo,
the Chinese New Year madness is here,
so GONG XI FA CAI everyone! :D



-15590


OMGGGG I REMEMBER WHAT I WANTED TO BLOG ABOUT INITIALLYYYY.

hehehehehehe



I went shopping yesterday, with my bro and my mum to shop for CNY clothes fo my bro. I KNOW. SUPER last minute. But that's typical of my brother.

Now, my brother is a dweeb who has the inability to say what he really thinks.
So when he really likes something, he just shrugs.
When he hates something, he keeps quiet, or just turn away.

So I don't know why, but Mum hasn't figured this out. It seems only I can really read my family well enough.
So, every year, I complain to Mum about how atrocious my bro's sense of fashion is. It's embarrassing.

Seriously, if he doesn't look like a Karang Guni, he would look like an impoverished Kampung Boy. Singaporeans should know what those mean. Non-singaporeans, go google it or ask your Sg friends.
:D


So, I speed shopped, and told my bro to follow me.
And surprisingly, he really did.
He tried on everything I told him to. And I had to read his face to tell if he likes it or secretly hate it.

And it was a major success, I pried it out of him to say, "YES I REALLY LIKE THIS ONE."
He got himself this dark grey shirt, which he can choose to button up, or wear it over a dark dull maroon-ish red tee or an off-white tee which I paid for as a birthday present for him (it's his birthday tomorrow).
Wheee!

HE FINALLY LOOKS PRESENTABLE.

And I like the off-white one caz it has a sketch of headphones and stuff around the neck of the tee, which I thought was cool, if they had a girl one, I wouldve bought it. Tsk.

Mum was against it, she thought it wasn't worth the price, but my bro was stumbling over himself to try to get Mum to buy both until I offered to pay for the white one as a gift from me.
Mum still wasn't happy.


Yay!
This year, my bro is gonna look like he's celebrating an event. Not just gracing it with his boring oversized one-coloured polo tees and jeans.

I'm so happy !

:')





-15590
Words aren't ever sufficient. You gotta look at the eyes. The eyes never lie.

Labels: Brother, Elle, Emo Nemo, New Year, Photo Log, Random Mandoms, The Queen