helloooo people, if I can live with your ideals, get over mineee. And stop misinterpreting!

Come on, I am not turning into a robot. If ever, I'll most likely be more empathetic! Stop being the "mature" people thinking awww this girl is trying to be different when she's actually the same. Really, lame mentality.

Like I've replied an angry person's email, I KNOW I'm not the only one in this world facing shit OH MY GOD PLEASE GET OVER YOURSELVES THAT YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME. Goodness? This is life, at some point of time, at some aspects in life, SOMEONE will have it worse than you at something. So I cannot be sad over my predicament? It's not as if I'm not getting over it? I am! Why are you guys so clogged up in your brains that you must stick to your ideals and your principles only? Be open minded, accept that people are different, people think differently. If I can accept you for who you are, then stop being a bitch to me?


For all the harping about "look at yourself" don't look at others, the entire point of the post is that I HAVE. I want to STOP JUDGING (don't you read? I really do question your intelligence now) I want to be a GOOD PERSON and it's okay that there are people with flaws! I do my best to be a better person everyday, and that is what counts. I appreciate things that are done for me and if I don't or forget to, and you find it offensive, TELL ME LIKE HOW I TELL YOU. And if you don't find an issue with it, then be happy that you made me happy! Stop playing these stupid childish games!


Like I've said countless times, I judge people. you judge people. EVERYONE will form impressions in their minds about people but ACTION IS KEY. I want to STOP acting on my judgments and I hope that the world would see the same. That though you judge, you are open-minded enough to give the person the benefit of the doubt, that they might change or actually have an amazing trait lurking beneath the nonsense that you've not seen.


I will not be friends with ANYONE. Understand? No 50% no 60% and all that bs. Goodness me. I respond to your actions(good or bad, if you are a bad person, I AM SURE I WILL RESPOND POSITIVELY TO YOUR 1% GOOD ACTION I am pretty sure you're human not satan), and I WILL BE a friend, in terms of action. I will not stand by and watch you fall or deliberately ruin your life or be heartless or be a robot. I am NOT pushing people away you retards! PEOPLE LIKE YOU make me want to push people away but I DONT. It is precisely that humans are all greys and not black and white, that's why I am a friend to everyone. Whether you take drugs, or stole a car, or bitch about people, or cheat on your lover, or are selfish, or have sex with anyone, even animals, I. Don't. Care.

What I don't want is to call you MY FRIEND. Because people like you, have to harp on it like crraaaaazzzaaayyy. I would have a relationship with you YES, it's impossible to not have a relationship with someone unless you've never met the person. Just the KIND of relationship, it would not be friendship. It would be purely based on actions on the spot.


And with regards to my exclusive few, I love you and I don't give a shit what you think about me even though I'm feeling abit of retardation from all of you. I DONT CARE. I dont care if you don't love me anymore, I don't care if you do. I love you because I love you and I do things because I love you FULLSTOP.

I don't expect anything from you SO DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING FROM MEEEEEE BETCHEZ. I am already being the best person I possibly can, yes I make mistakes and I accept my mistakes and rectify them if I knew them and knew how.

I would not be making up theories if I don't abide to them myself. SERIOUSLY, I'm not an idiot. And I don't IMPOSEEEEE my theories on you. Okay? So please get over yourselves and your ideals because it's starting to look like you think you're the better person and your theories are the only right theories and I can't have mine.

Of course my theories can have holes poked if I don't explain it well(and theories are theories not facts), I can't, it's hard for me to express myself in words, I don't have that gift, but why don't you open up your mind a little and try to see it from how I'm seeing it, because I DO KNOW HOW YOU SEE IT and I understand WHY you see it that way and I ACCEPT IT that you want to believe in it.


Like flipping religion, I can see why Christians love Jesus to death and Buddhists believe in karma and bla bla bla. It's not that I don't read up about it, I know! You've told me all about your flipping religion! And I see where you're coming from and I accept it, I just choose not to believe in it!


I don't want nouns to express how I feel about you, unless it's something like family (DNA will kick your ass trying to deny it)or boyfriend or girlfriend (THERE IS SOMETHING WRONGGG with your r/s if you don't want a status because these are steps before marriage, BEFORE FAMILY, the commitment needs to be there)

But friends? The commitment DOES NOT need to be there. There is no ties. You're speaking up for me Jacob, like the rest of you. There is no ties. ONLY LOVE. Friends does not equal love! LOVE IS LOVEEE. Because I have you in my personal regard, because I LOVE YOU, I WILL be there for you I WILL have a commitment to YOU. okay? And it is not easy to love someone so NO I DO NOT LOVE EVERYONE. (And if you don't love your family and boyfriend or girlfriend then it sucks to be you)

So NOOOOO god I just don't believe in friends, get over it, if I don't love you, TOO BADDD I am sure someone else does (You still have family you whiny ass) and if I do, WOW GOOD FOR YOU. one more person in your life loves you, don't you feel loveddddd?


Basically I will be the same person my actions are the same, IF you had not known and read this post, YOU WOULD FIND NO SIGNIFICANT CHANGE IN ME, the only thing that has changed is my PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE. so why are you finding an ISSUEEEEE with me?
I am THIS sort of person, a person who analyses things and I do it because I find it important, you have your own set of things important to you and I have mind.
I find it important because it defines my purpose and how I feel and perceive about life, the journey that I AM TAKINGGG NOT YOUUUU LALALA HELLO HELLO WAKE UP. STOP SHAKING ME CAZ I AM AWAKE.


Look at the gazillion people in my life whom I call friends. Really, wont you find it more offensive that I consider an insignificant person friends and you friends when youre more significant to me?
So what I do, I do, because I care in some way but to hell with friends. I do it not because "it's what friends should do." screw that okay? Everything I do MEANS something, and in your point of view you would call it "friendship"

I don't. Okay? I call it love. Personal regard. Whatever. Different people, different degree of regard. GET OVER ITTTT.

Stop trying to show me that I am wrong and yet tell me at the same time "there is no right and wrong" YOU look who's doing the judging. hypocritical bunch of shits leh all of you! wahlao! Must bombard me for what I believe in? I am so disappointed in all of you! haha and I don't really care if you're disappointed in me or son't want to be friends with me. like everything else in life, I can live with it and I can move on. Just because I can, does not mean I am a robot and you are such wonderful empathetic human beings. Fuck off.

NOW, I want to talk about my day hahahaha. Hmm I watched Detroit Metal City, the first few episodes of the anime and OMG SO FUNNAYYY HAHAHAHA-

eh wait, I forget to tell Jacob I love him too eventhough he always think he's better than me and everyone and drive me crazy. See? I told you. I love means I love forever AIYO LEAVE ME ALONE LAH. No "friends" to love me also never mind. My family does and hopefully a future husband to have a family with. TADA! Happiness. Hehehehahaha.-

OKAY continue. Anyway remember Singapore Idol? the third season (latest one) there was this dude in long blonde hair and costume and face painting I JUST WATCHED DETROIT METAL CITY SO NOW THEN I REALISED WHO KRAUSER IS HAHAHAHAHA

You see, in Detroit Metal City, Krauser is this crazy metal screamo guy, lead singer of a screamo metal band. BUT this guy accidentally joined that band, he thought it would be a lovey dovey meaningful soft melodious tunes kinda band. BECAUSE HE IS ACTUALLY that kinda of person! But the sad thing is that he is good at being metal screamo and his love songs SUCKSSSS. Hahahaha! And everytime the anime shows him trying to sing love songs he looks soooo retarded and gay and mushy BAHAHAHA

So, my point is, Krauser on SG Idol I SALUTE YOUUUU. The irony is BEAUTIFULLL how you dress like that and purposely sing a love song hahahaha THE JUDGES ARE STUPID. Your voice isn't that bad and you should make it through and they should appreciate the irony. But sadly, eventhough the judges are immersed in the MEDIA industry, they don't know the existence of KRAUSER, shame on you! Aiyah, I think the judges are retarded to begin with so whatever.

(Hate Dick Lee. He's a dick hehehehehe and Florence is really a Lian. Don't know anything but act like know everything. Ken is arrogant and think he so damn good. BUT I respect that occasionally his comments are professional and made sense. Other than that, I think all three judges are RUDE and purposely try to mock and diss people because they think they are so funny and give entertainment value. Disgusting. Even American Idol isn't mean please.Singaporeans really over do things.)

And then I recently I also watched Survivor (just the last episode because I cannot be bothered with TV) AND OMG ASS TO THE MAX RUSSEL SHOULD HAVE WON. I was so upset, Russel was so upset UGHHH people are just sore losers and sometimes need to OPEN UP THEIR MINDS and see that the bad people have good in them and that eventhough russel betrayed everyone like siao and lie and deceive and manipulate and use people? HE DID IT FOR THE GAME. It is how you play the game! And they should stop taking it personally and give him the win because HE deserves it! Jaison is stupid because he said in real like "you would hate the Russel and you wouldnt want to let him win" OMG YOU CHILDISH BRAT IN REAL LIFE, YOUR PRIZE IS DEATH.
Idiot.

You die, you go to heaven or hell. So the point of the game of Life, is to do good things, live a purposeful life and ENJOY THE JOURNEY. In survivor, SCREW THE JOURNEY ONLY 1 MONTH WHAT, and you get a million dollars! Doesn't mean that Russel is a bad person! He just know what to do in the game! Wahlao! hate sore losers and people who take it personally. I AM SO UPSET FOR RUSSELLLLLL :( Russel I am officially your number 1 fan because I APPRECIATE THAT HOW YOU PLAYED THE GAME WAS AN ART MAN. WOOOAAHHH
hahahahahaha

shiz man my post is very long and I have chores to do but I really don't feel like doing them. I feel like eating. RAWR. I really feel like eating.SIGHZ it seems I am gaining weight even thought I cut down on my food.WTHHHH. And I have been exercising (though not as often as I want to)sigghhhh not enough! Must do more! RAWR.

Hokes is my favouritest boy in the world. That's why he's my boyfriend. Not the other way around. Yay! It seems I still cant wear that halter dress. Sad. I want to make custard tarts. Without growing fat. maybe give some to my aunts, cousins and hokes' family too. Hmm. I would give Jacob too. But he would never meet me. And Ryan but he's overseas. And other people but they are angry with me. TOO BAD. no yummy tarts for you! until you want to talk to me. because actually i am ok. HAHA. contradictory. Im ok if youre ok. OK! my mama is being annoying but I love my papa like crazy suddenly caz I thought he almost died. Sigh, it's so cute when your parents show you they love you. SEE. NO MATTER WHAT MUST RESPECT YOUR PARENTS. even if they are wrong and retarded. omg I really feel like eating tarts. See? this is how my train of thought travels.

I am weird.

Labels: Angry Bombs, Brother, Elle, fweedom, HELLO, Insanity, Jacob, Mum, Of Hokums and Honeystars, Questionable, Religion, ryan pwns asses, The Anarchist, The King, The Queen, Weird Shiz

Holy turds I haven't been updating my blog in ages. Haven't talked to Ryan and Jacob in ages too. Awww the spaces between us are wider! Even I've been neglecting Hokes (sorry dear) just get caught up in things and well it's just taxing to finish everything in the weekdays just so I can have the weekends untouched and for Hokes and only Hokes. I really do love spending the entire day uninterrupted with him :)

So really, I would prefer anything else to just be slot on a weekday tyvm :)

Time flies and gosh it's 2 weeks to common tests. SHITS. Serious lack of time now. It seems I cannot decide whether I want to be alone in school or not. People (or person in fact) have been sticking to me in lectures and leeching off my reputation and I DON'T LIKE. I hate being used but then again, work needs to be done and I need help, so I cannot be a loner as much as I would like to be.

WAI DONT PEOPLE UNDERSTAND?


So okay, everyone else is being cooperative (goooood gooooood very gooooooood!!!) they established a nice "hi-bye" relationship with me, which I like caz I don't really wanna "talk and have fun" with you in lectures. I actually wanna listen and be in my own little world. SO IT'S GOOD! Thank you rest-of-the-world! But this particular person keeps sms-ing me whether I'll be going for lectures and basically stalking me because he wants to sit with me in lectures so he won't look like a loser. I RESENT THAT HELLO. Firstly, your reputation is bad. Nobody likes you and you sticking with me? It makes people think that the only friends I have, is you. And you like that because my reputation is well, I'm not popular, but people certainly know me. so... NO, you aint rolling with me boy.

But then again, I don't mind actually, I mean I'll be your friend, if you are a person worth being friends with, I would. But since you are just using my reputation? I'm gonna play your game. AINT GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN BITCH. So, from being indifferent to my reputation, since you do care, I'm gonna care and make sure you don't get what you want (and destroy my rep at the same time)

Plus, you are disgusting. Stop staring at my boobs! SPEAK TO THE FACE! the fat face but face nonetheless!

Besides all of that, this particular person is being less repulsive (if that is even possible) this year, he's been reading psychology/self-help books AND NOT UNDERSTANDING IT because his English sucks but have been discussing it with me (and I like this kinda stuff) so I'll explain them to him. I. Am. Such. A. Nice. Person.
Lmao, and no I'm not being conceited. I'm trying to make myself believe in that so that I'll actually turn out to be a nice person! Get it? Hahhaahaha.


My mum's friends are so annoying and wonderful and annoying AND NOT FAIR they keep buying her stuff, like bags and clothes and it's so wtf-ing. I do not understand the concept of it all(?????) but well this is how the dice rolled for her so okay. One of her friends wanted to give her a Guess bag (FOR GOD'S SAKE GIVE MEEEE) and told her if she didn't like it, she can give it to me! (PLEASE HATE IT PLEASEEE) hahahaha I guess God is compensating her for having such a horrid daughter. Sorry mum. But it is afterall my life. But hey! I'm doing my best to make you happy!

Mum has like what? 5 bags given as gifts from her friends? and countless clothes and scarves. RAWR. Sorry, I don't have sincere friends that would give me gifts because they have too much money and because they love me. The friends who do love me mostly dont have too much money.

I'm still wondering what I'm supposed to do with 21.
Oh if you don't know what 21 is. Here you go.


Mission name: 21
Objectives: Live your life.


So basically at 21, I'm gonna stop letting mum force me to do things. Of course I want to be an air stewardess but... I don't see it happening without mum disowning me. Sigh... what a depressing topic.
Anyway! basically my plan is that at 21, I'll begin this transition where I'll do things without asking her permission, but merely informing her in advance what I'm gonna do.


WHICH IS BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS BTW PPL! I'm not a prisoner afterall! So I'll begin like going out as and when I like. (I predict a huge fight will explode from this) But I will persevere and CONDITION her to get used to me LIVING MY LIFE. I will stay over at people's house as and when I want to (don't worry, I respect my parents enough to make sure they're either family or close girlfriends) I will keep my curfew at 12 midnight. And I will go overseas with my friends and no one can stop me. NO ONE. OKAY?

I want to live, really live before I'm tied down with responsibilities like a stable job and a family (like children and all that) I lived my life for you all these while! It's time to live for ME. I'm so sorry that our ideals clash and our lifestyles are vastly different but it doesn't give you any right to puppet me!


yay!
I will go through with this, I want this so bad and I love my parents (grudgingly) I do, so I want them to be happy but I MUST TEACH THEM TO BE HAPPY WITH ME. With the real me...



Anyway, CHRISTMAS IS AROUND THE CORNERRRRR!!! So exciting, but yeah yeah I know as a Muslim you're not supposed to celebrate this stuffs. Aww. But I don't believe in it doesn't mean I can't enjoy the festive feel, right..? I'm not doing traditional stuffs, I don't give presents and eat turkey and all that jazz so it's alright right?
TOTALLY LOVEEEE the decoration and lights and it feels so magical and fantasy like ooooohhh, the atmosphere is nais. :D but man life is such a bitch how they celebrate christmas and chinese new year on a much grander scale. DAMN YOUS. so unfair! If Deepavali is the festival of lights YOU SHOULD HAVE MORE LIGHTS EVERYWHERE THAN CHRISTMAS!!! I can totally think up a good mood and atmosphere for Deepavali. And Hari Raya? Go traditional! DAMNNN we have such good cultures STOP WESTERNIZING IT'S SO GAY AND WANNABE-ISH so embarrassing!

But well Singapore is LIKE THAT, damn retarded I still can't make up my mind whether to migrate or not, I love the country but the people? DAMNNNN. Hahaha

Wow, my ideal Christmas would be bright beautiful decorations, especially a giant christmas tree, warm fireplace AND IT WILL BE SNOWING OUTSIDE HOW MAGICALLL IT MAKES YOU WANNA BELIEVE IN SANTAAAAA but santa doesnt exist so no I don't believe in santa, nor christmas DOESNT MAKE IT ANYLESS EXCITING!

It's about setting the mood! Man, maybe I should be an events planner! Hahahaha ok maybe not >.>

And ew I'm blabbing too much!



Ughhhh gotta document my life down, words are so important to me. It can make or break a legend, words live forever if there is someone to read it! (and understand it) so despite having a life and being busy, I shall make an effort to pen down my thoughts on a more regular basis. Till next time! Be nice!

Labels: Elle, HELLO, Insanity, Mum, Of Hokums and Honeystars, Random Mandoms, Religion, ryan pwns asses, School, The Queen, Weird Shiz

I'm now lying in bed feeling woozy with a wet towel on my forehead and neck in an attempt to bring down the fever I am currently and unfortunately stuck with. (Go away, flu bug! Go away!)

Ryan thinks I have Swine Flu- CHOY! No one in Singapore has Swine Flu. It takes forever to reach Singapore. Like movies and shows and awesome entertainment things etc etc.

I was helping Cass out for FYP, which is a total ***** really, someone kept changing-

(sorry, medication made me fall asleep so I'm continuing this post at 1.12pm 21 May)

-anyway, as I was saying.

Someone kept changing the RPM and the temperature of our incubator. I'm so sick of censoring myself. I mean, I actually stopped using vulgarities. To the extent that I'm actually shocked when people use the F word. But today, my throbbing brain says Fuck you all, I'm gonna use Fuck all I want because it gives me an immature satisfaction of using an ugly word to describe ugly things.


So as I was saying. I was helping Cass out for FYP. I felt sick in the morning and the feeling was just deteriorating. By INAC, I was completely off.

And LC was unhappy. Because I couldn't help much. Amazing isn't it? To think that I scolded LC last year for not contributing to the project. And now I'm stuck as his lab partner and he is the one now frustrated with me.

Good thing I don't keep grudges for long. As annoying as he may be, I'm actually capable of being normal around him. We talk when we see each other. And I even had lunch with him once! For an entireeee hourrr. zomg. amazing.

Here's the list of irritating things.


#1

LC refuses to cooperate. He gets experiment results, calculates and refuses to share his knowledge. Thankfully, I got my own brains despite the fever so I proceeded to do the questions that I know how to, and attempt to trade answers with him for questions I don't know how to do. Realising that I am actually attempting to contribute, he only shares answers with me but ignores our other lab partner.

Either he's racist, or, he thinks she's damn useless. So, Idk. Anyway, we completed the experiment, and my other lab partner clearly having her worksheet empty because she has no idea what's going on since LC is not sharing anything with her, I helped her anyway. I think LC isn't too happy with that but whatever.


#2

I went over to do FYP and my fever went up. Eventhough it was a relatively warm day, I wore my hoodie over my long sleeved top and still felt freezingly cold. I was shivering in the lab but strangely I could feel heat radiating from my face.

I helped Cass with FYP and regrettably slowly too, but seriously I really couldn't take it, if I had my way, I would've cabbed home already.

An hour later, my fever shot up. I felt so cold, I felt like I was in Antartica. Cass was obviously pissed with me, but I was too delirious to care. I did things slowly with extra effort not to spill things. Because my hands were unsteady. Cass was late for Heroes Seminar, so was I, but I decided I really really couldn't take it.


#3

Cass rushed off to the seminar leaving me to clean up. I really badly wanted to just leave an hour ago. By now, I felt like dying. I carried the four bottles down to the other lab to incubate and the students there kept staring at me as if I got leprosy.

FUCK YOU.

FUCK ALL OF YOU WHO CHANGED THE RPM AND TEMPERATURE. FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU STUPID JUNIORS WHO DONT KNOW SHIT.

I taped the broken handle as an improvisation. And burning thighs from squatting was equally painful as the muscle aches I keep having. My thigh would suddenly hurt, a short sharp pain. Then my calves. Or sometimes my back. Or arms. Tsk.


#4

After I cabbed home, mum scolded me for being sick. See. Sick also get scolded. Wahlao. She said I didn't take care of myself. What rubbish. Nvm. She's just concerned. She then took my temperature. It was 42 degrees celsius. I couldn't move at all in bed. I couldn't open my eyes. And all I remembered was seeing Mama freak out. She rushed to get wet towels and sponged me. One on my forehead. The other under my neck. She gave me panadol and let me sleep. By now it's 5 pm.


#6

I woke up at 9pm. Mum fed me porridge. She told me I had to bathe. To bring down the ridiculously high fever. I realised I couldn't walk so I had to lean on Mama. And at 18 years old. Mama had to bathe me like I'm a baby. how humiliating. I had to sit on a chair in the bathroom while I showered. And the water was so fecking cold. Mama helped me change and put me into bed.


#7

My fever wasn't 40 degress plus anymore but it didnt subside. it remained hovering between 38.9 to 39.9 . I was shivering the entire night. It was so so so cold. I remembered how I feel better when I shiver because it made me slightly warmer. But also hated shivering because any movements hurt my head excruciatingly so. Mama stayed up the entire night to sponge me.


#8

I woke up at 11am. I realised I was in bed since 5pm last night. I needed to see a doctor. I went to Sengkang Polyclinic and doctor gave me tonnes of medicine. He said I just got a very bad case of flu. Gave me a course of antibiotics that I must finish. I hate medicine. And medicine means you have to swallow. My sorethroat was so bad I didn't wanna talk. I didn't wanna sneeze or cough or retch because it was so fucking painful. Doctor gave me lozenges and a gargle for my throat.


#9

Mama received a call regarding a certain someone who is going through a divorce and something happened to that someone that makes me very very angry. I hate people. No wonder my ambition when I was a kid was to be a vet. Animals are so much less retarded sometimes.


#10

I texted Cass earlier in the day to remind her to submit the Genomic Report. I was reminded by LC that the dateline was that day. Cass texts late at night telling me she's out and asks me to submit it. I got online and checked and realised the dateline was at 5pm. I submitted it via email to the lecturer anyway. FML.


#11

For the life of me, I don't understand why but my fever shot up again. Doctor says if it's bacteria and not virus infected flu, the fever would shoot up and down. It would go down because of the Panadol then later go up again.


#12

I began developing this excruciating pain in my head. Everytime I get up from lying down, or stand up from sitting, the entire back of my head would burst into sudden sharp pain. I would stop and just stand there with my hands over my head. Mum and Dad would look worriedly at me. Then I continue walking slowly.


#13

After medication, I slept again till morning. Fever went down to 38. Fluctuate between 38 and 39 so I was occasionally feeling good and bad. Thankfully it's not 40 so in general I was feeling better. Sorethroat was not recovering. Headaches kept coming more often and more painful each time. I am on 6 hourly Panadol. 8 hourly amoxylin + lozenges + cough syrup. I refuse to take the runny nose medicine because I have NO RUNNY NOSE. stupid doctor. Make me pay for something I don't need.


#14

Cass once again is pissed at me for not going to school again. She has to do FYP alone again. Which initially, I was already feeling very bad about it. But everytime she texts, she makes me feel guilty. which I don't appreciate. for the life of me I don't understand how you can be angry at someone who didn't ask to be sick.
And I am genuinely sick right now.

I don't know which one is gonna explode now. my artery or my brains. my eyes exploded last week. tsk.

Labels: Angry Bombs, Bitch-mode, Elle, Hissy Fit, Mum, Questionable, School, The Queen

The school sent to letters to inform my parents of my debarment.

Ah.

They flipped.



Sigh.


Dad cut off all my electricity. I have to bathe in cold water AGAIN. For a night, I slept without a fan nor aircon nor air ventilation. IT WAS HOT AS HELL ugh. Everything I've worked for has been undone. Parents filled with disappointment.

Dad says he's not gonna pay for my school fees again.

Sigh.

Is this what you want? Huh? All because I didn't suck up to you? Everyone tells me not to worry because you have a reputation of favouring girls over boys. They tell me you're a perverted old bastard, the boys resent your favouritism. But they tell me not to worry, caz I'm a girl! But I'm not like other girls, who ask you alot of questions, who try to get on your good side. I don't bother. I treat everyone the same. You don't like that do you? Is it because I don't reciprocate?

They tell me that usually the system would try as hard as possible not to debar me. They tell me that all I need to do is send an appeal and they'll let me continue. It's not a big deal anyway. And I have medical reason.

But no! you tell me you can't accept it because I went to the doctor after the debarment. Not before! If I went before, you would have accepted it. I told you I didn't know. I told you I didn't realise it was serious. I told you that depressive disorder is a prolonged disorder. The symptoms don't last a day or two, it takes several months to manifest. I told you that that is proof for all the absence before the debarment.

But you still said the same damn thing. You can't accept medical proof after the debarment was made. What a load of crock. What a load of bullshit.
See?
I told you I had issues at home, but no, because of your stupid resentment against me, you tore my life apart.

Dad stopped talking to me AGAIN. We were good. We were improving. We were talking and joking and LAUGHING again.

AND YOU HAD TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME?
THE ONE THING THAT I YEARN FOR, MY PARENTS' APPROVAL, THEIR AFFECTION.

I love joking and laughing and teasing them.
I love that things, though unresolved, are stabilizing.

BUT YOU JUST HAD TO DESTROY THAT.

You selfish son of a dog.
I hate you.

I hope you die, lonely and unloved in an old folks' home. I hope everyone forgets you. I hope you are miserable, and yearn love but will never ever in your pathetic life ever receive any love or display of affection what so ever.

I hate you.
I hate you for taking this away from me.
I hate you for being selfish.
I hate you for being unreasonable and biased.
I hate you for destroying my future.
I hate you for doing all of these to me.



Fortunately, I expected it. I worried like crazy. It was eating me inside out. Then I faced the music. I was miserable so miserable. But I got over it. I deserved it I guess, I saw it coming. I'm doing the best I can now.
Thanks to Cass and Hokes for being there for me. I think I'm lucky to have met Hokes through Cass. He's super nice really, trying to cheer me up with Cookie Monster on webcam, dancing at AC Campfire eventhough I totally forgot the dance I learnt = dancing FAIL. Haha. And for telling me the most kickass awesome bedtime story everrr I swear it was so entertaining, at 1 am when I was having trouble sleeping in the heat and lack of air ventilation and me being afraid to open the windows and doors because I'm scared of the dark but I braved myself and did it anyway.

Lmao, Cass, Jefri, Ryan, Hokes and I were in the story involving Royalty and kingdoms, and Jellyfishes armed with Corals with deadly Neurotoxins BAHAHAHAHAHA
Does this sound familiar? Hahahaha BIF project can go and dieee really.


But thanks, everyone, I'm happy now. I'm at ease. I'm no longer taking the pills and I'm not as stressed out. I'm relaxed! And I'm trying to work as hard as I can. I am taking time off to unwind with my friends, and I am ok :)

I am NO LONGER depressed, my symptoms went away.
So I'm okay :)

And I shall be happy :)
At least Mum's still talking to me, so yes, I shall be happy :)
I shall strive to improve things at home and outside.
And
I shall
be happy :)


Thank you :)


-15963
This is us - our lives are weaved into each other. Just like our interlocking fingers.
-Jacob Chew
:) See? I used your quote, Cobby!

Labels: Bitch-mode, Elle, Hissy Fit, Mum, Quote, School, The Queen

I'm glad to say I'm sort of improving. I don't feel sleepy anymore just, lethargic. I can't ever get rid of the lethargy, it frustrates me to no end.
My appeal against debarment failed, much to the surprise of alot of people, who also gave me false hope, but I don't blame you, I think the lecturer is really just a bias ass#@%! I think his reason for my debarment is wholly unacceptable. I don't bear grudges but I wanna learn to keep this one.

>:\


I listened to Ryan and stopped taking the pills. And I tried psycho-ing myself into the proper state of mind (happiness is a state of mind!) I think I'm less weird, and more normal-ish, but I think I still have my hiccups of weirdity.


Recently, crashed orientation in one of the JCs lol. Something happened then that made me very uncomfortable, about myself even more so. I'll not elaborate.

My BIF project is irritating me, not only were the instructions to the project so vague, it might as well be nonexistent, but I've been hearing alot of unreasonable behavior of our lecturer from the other classes. If I receive any of that shit, the lecturer is gonna be sorry.

Not that I don't have respect for lecturers, but when you're being unreasonable and stupid, well, I don't think you deserve my respect afterall. So I will question you, in a way that would not cross the line, but in a way that would fully reflect your stupidity across the lecture, and your credibility would be questioned, thus, it would be a cascade of gargantuan shame for you, echoing across the student body.

And it would serve you right.


While I resent that my life has been turned upside down, just because of this debarment, I am determined to escape the state of anxiety. I will go zen! Like a monk, and not let worldly matters affect my inner mind.
Whatever that means.

My attachment is screwed up, I've to change classes AND semesters, I can't do Redcamp and OpenHouse next year anymore, I have to repeat the stupidest module in the world just because of something stupid, and everything is turning ugly.

I feel like I'm losing my friends. My mother, oblivious to everything has ridiculously high expectations of me, my father slogging away to pay for my ridiculously expensive school fees as well as transport fees (I RESENT THAT I HAVE TO PAY ADULT FAIR WHEN I AM A STUDENT) Idiocy is prevalent around me, and sometimes I feel like the biggest idiot, and I just can't control myself nor my life anymore as it swerves uncontrollably into the abyss of doom.

I wonder what it's like to be me. I've been someone else for so long, I don't remember what it's like to be myself anymore. While I am vain enough to care what people that matters think of me, I also am proud enough to care what I think of myself, and I don't think very highly of myself (equals low self-esteem) and that bothers me too, and therefore, it is a never ending vicious cycle.

Also, besides freaky things happening to me like the aircon being turned on FOR NO APPARENT REASON, I have been hearing freaky shrilling sounds that are consistent with the movement of my arms. And only my arms. I thought it was the bed squeaking so I bounced on it to see if it was synchronized but no! It responds to my arm moving up and down, and I thoroughly freaked out. I feel scared at night caz I feel my blankets moving so I pray and pray and I brave myself to open my eyes and it stopped. So I stopped taking the pills and everything is.. normal now. Nothing has happened so far and I'd like to keep it that way. I don't know what to do with myself really. Either my brain is going crazy, or the ghost in my room is umm. Yeah. There. Although Liza's theory of wonky electronics is plausible, but considering that sometimes the aircon doesnt read my remote when I am pressing on it several times? ah.

What I am going to do, however, is study for the two modules I have left. I am not going to bother going for lectures or practicals for my debarred module, why should I? I'm going to see his stupidassed face again anyway. I'm gonna focus and score A's and this will be my last post, as I take a hiatus to study and get my life back on track.

I must also remember to meet up with JWong before 19th Feb! HE'S LEAVING ME FOR DOWN UNDER HATE HIMMM HATE HIMM :( So yes, despite exams, I shall take a day off to torment him :) Or rather give him one last chance to torment me. After exams I shall remember to read all my unread books, to watch all the movies I missed out, to hang out with friends and go indulge in Starbucks and BE HAPPY, before the horror starts all over again, I shall play games be addicted to L4D and Halo, and omg bug Hokes to L4D with him, or alone, I just need the freaking gameeee tee hee. Wow, I'm already planning how to enjoy, but for now, I shall kill my eyes with protein sequences for BIF, and study and study and mug like I'm a natural born mugger.

I will be alright.

If everything isn't alright, I damn well will make it alright.



Wish me luck!



-15896
I know my posts are long and boring, but I'm too emo to care.


P/S:
Special thanks to Timo for your kind offer in financial help :)
Special thanks to clique for not holding it against me (I hope) and being there for me while I'm a dysfunctional self-destructive emo.
Prayers for Alfred's sis who's in labour :)
Much love to Jacob and Ryan, one emo and the other having a blast in OZland -.-

Labels: Babies, Elle, Emo Nemo, Insanity, Jacob, Mum, School, The Queen

I am sick.
I am coughing until my abdominal muscles hurt.
Until my throat is sore, I think I taste blood.
My nose is constantly blocked, I can't breathe.
My voice is now manly, a stark contrast to my previously high pitched voice.
I have headaches, the ones you get when you have a fever.
I am weak.


And.

I am officially tired of being sick.


I am SICK and TIRED of the headaches.
I am sick and tired of the lethargy.

I WANT TO JUMP AROUND, I want to do things, I want to have bundles of energy, limitless amount of energy to spare.

I want to be able to focus on my studies, I want to...

I want so many things, but who says we get what we want all the time?




I saw the counsellor last week.
A bloody waste of time.
A
bloody
waste
of
time.


Do not PRETEND to understand me when I know you don't.
You don't know what I want.
How can you pretend you know what I want, when I don't know what I want exactly?
I want things to be okay, but what is okay?
All I know for sure is what I don't want.

I talked to the freaking counsellor for AN HOUR. And I thought, hey, a counsellor, might as well make use of it. I don't wanna be one of those shallow people. I want to be open minded. So yes, I poured my heart and soul to you. My deepest darkest secrets that some of my closest friends don't even know.

And after it all,
you
don't
even
understand me.


YOU SUCK SO BAD.
I AM NEVER GOING FOR COUNSELLING AGAIN.

The doctor at the polyclinic, the one who diagnosed that I have depression.
HE UNDERSTOOD ME BETTER.
I almost cried because I knew he understands, and I don't want him to. Because he's a doctor. Not a psychiatrist. He referred me to a psychiatrist but I don't want to go because I don't have the money and I can't ask my parents because THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT I'M GOING THROUGH WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH.

I'm screwed up. Okay? I admit.
I am a self-destructive dysfunctional person.
I cannot think logically anymore.
The doctor says depression does that.
SCREW DEPRESSION


FROM NOW ON I AM NOT EFFING DEPRESSED.
I LOVE MY LIFE.
I LOVE MYSELF.
I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND MY FAMILY.

I don't pick at flaws, caz flaws are OKAY.
Everyone has flaws. I AM TOLERANT of flaws, I will ACCEPT YOU FLAWS AND ALL.
AND I WILL STOP FREAKING CRYING LIKE A GODDAMNED BABY.



I WILL stick to my resolutions. I WILL stick to my principles, stick to my goals.
Depression is retarded.
I always thought that people going through depression are stupid caz, awww youre so sad awww your life suck awwww you might as well die AWWWW TOO BAD. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE HAVING IT WORSE THAN YOU OUT THERE SO SUCK IT UP AND STOP BEING A PANSY.

And then now
I know why
they are retarded
caz depression is a mental retardation disorder.
depression makes you stupid
so now
I'm a retard.
be nice to me.

I'm not gonna be retarded anymore.
I am going to be FINE.

My lecturer can go and die.
"Oh it's quite serious you know. You should go get help. Bla bla bla. It's not too expensive."

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MONEY HUH?
I am in DEBT.
And I cannot let my parents KNOW.
Why?


Because I am not throwing away what I have been working for MY ENTIRE LIFE just because I'm going through this retarded disorder.


Depressive disorder my ass.

STOP DEBARRING ME.



I turn up for lessons now.
And I've started studying.
I know I'm inconsistent but when I am truly working and trying hard, CUT ME SOME SLACK AND COOPERATE WILL YA?
You are so not helping me by DEBARRING ME.


I understand my parents too well.
Only too well.
You don't think I've not tried reasoning with them? Like proper rational adults?
You can't reason with them unless you want to turn their whole world upside down.
And eventhough I hate hate hate so much what they are doing, I know they do it because they love me.
And because of that, I can never truly hate them.
And because of that..
I cannot bear to hurt them.


No matter how much you tell me it's for the better.
No matter how much it's healthier for me, for them, for my life, and their life.

I cannot do anything, that would hurt them.


Last Christmas, I tested their limits.
They hurt of course. It hurt me that they hurt.
but they're better now.
And I can't complain.



Now this issue, lies with me. With my principles. My moral values.
It's just me. Me with the retarded brain.


I'm fine now.
I'm improving.
I've stopped dating.
The guys I go out with are purely friends. And they are good friends.
I'm sorry to say I'm not close to much girls in poly except for Cass Lee.
Other girls in my clique include Sharon and Abigail.
But I'm not as close to them.
There are just some people that you feel alright to open up to and others, uncomfortable with.

I don't know.
I just don't have that many girls around me.
I have guys around me because guys are horny buggers. They like girls. So obviously, they don't mind hanging out with me.
But after that, we came to a mutual agreement.
That we will only be friends and that's it.

And that's okay.
And they happen to be good friends.

So yes, I know alot of guys, because the guys approach me. If girls approached me, I'm equally nice and friendly.
Like, in Ambassadors.
There are tonnes of awesome girls.
Ning and her fellow Year 1 gang.
Joyce and Joyce both from Ambassadors and French.
XiangWei and Hannah, my a.l. and L.
Tsk, psh, I'm okay with practically all the girls in Ambassadors.

I'm okay with the girls in my course.
I got to know a new girl, in my lab.
She's repeating a module with Eugene.
I talked to Eugene once in lab because he was my lab partner.
We hit off hilariously.
That was ages ago.
And.
Only recently have I started talking to her.
Girls are just slower and less receptive of me.
And it's normal BECAUSE THEY'RE GIRLS.
No matter how open I am to girls, I am just less approachable to them.

(This is my theory. If you have another theory, please enlighten me, so I can LEARN)



And of course, the girls that understand me, I cherish them like crazy.
I love them to bits.
I love my friends to bits.
Even though I know friends come and go.
I can't help it?
I just love all of you, even when I find you guys sometimes retarded or your flaws irks me, or you can be immature or childish.
No matter what negative opinion I have of any of my friends (because your mind can't help but judge, it's whether you act on it), I love you all the same.

I know it's hard to believe.
you might think I'm stupid this way,
but that's just the way retarded me works.

I love my friends to bits
no matter how crazy you guys drive me.

Like the way I love my parents,
no matter how much I say I hate them,
no matter how crazy they drive me too.


I just.. cherish relationships in my life.
Suuuure I pretend to be some brave strong jaded girl, like I can just drop friends if I think you're not worthy to be considered a friend,
but
I actually take very long to get over it.


On the outside, I pretend to be over it,
but
I secretly think about it every night.


It took me a year and a half to get over Hidayah.
And
to be completely honest
when she talks to me on msn
it still hurts
till now.


I'm so sorry, but
..

I'm sorry.


I'm sorry everyone.


I'm sorry for being so weird.
I really wish I wasn't.
I have my own ideals in my head.

Bear with me.

I've begun to mellow down. No clubbing since that time, no drinking, I still to this day am proud to say I don't smoke, no boys, I know my heart now, no rebelling against teachers, no rebelling against parents,

I'm fixing myself.
One step at a time.


Bear with me.


I love you.




-15670
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
-Mark Twain

Labels: Chat Log, Elle, Emo Nemo, Hissy Fit, Mum, Questionable, Quote, School, The Queen

I am so flustered and all over the place now, it's a wonder my face isn't fully covered in stress pimples.
Several small little volcanoes of mother effing pimples are saying HELLO WORLD! and pissing me off greatly.

6 days to the start of my common tests, people. That's less than a week. I AM SCREWED.


No, seriously, whatever happened to my resolutions?


Meh, time is zooming past in this semester and it's scaring me :( *whimpers* But nevertheless, I will not go down without a fight. YOU HEAR ME?! I WILL NOT GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT.

Rawr.


Once again, I apologize for my previous post.
I HATE RANTING, because it's totally not classy, but I can't help it D; It's a satisfying outlet.

I threaded my brows and as much as I tried to hide it from my parents, they are not blind, so finally, after what? 3? 4 days? They realised that I have sexy brows now, and they flipped, because no, Muslims ain't allowed to thread their brows, but I'm never one to follow the rules to begin with, am I?


Now, I don't have a problem with getting into trouble or being scolded etc. But it's what my mother says when she nags that really gets under my skin. It just emphasizes her stupidity and narrow-mindedness so much so that it makes me ashamed to be associated with her, let alone related.

I do not want to quote her in my blog here because I am embarrassed- yes people, it is that bad- embarrassed that she is my mother and the source of rubbish sprouted was from her mouth.

The title of this blog post pretty much gives you a gist of the nonsense she said.





Facebook is also evil. It is addictive and evil. Evil evil evil.
I have been facebooking, WHEN I WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO. I was supposed to be on hiatus. From blogging too! GAAAAAHHHHH epic fail :(

But I still think facebook pwns all others like what, Tagged? Multiply... FRIENDSTER which lags like nobody's business and MySpace (confuses the brain juice outta me). Whoever thinks otherwise, I will bite you. Actually, no not really.





I have been a little more productive today than the days from the start of this semester till yesterday, because I actually did my laundry and printed my notes. Couldn't really begin proper studying though. My inefficiency frustrates me. I am half done with cleaning my room, which makes my den so much more habitable, thankfully, and thus, a clean room = a more conducive place to accomplish things like work perhaps.

And now it's time to sleep, before my eye bags worsen and get bigger than my already tiny eyes or something.
Oh the shame.






-14480
To do that would mean, not merely to be defeated, but to acknowledge defeat-- and the difference between these two things is what keeps the world going.
-Upton Sinclair
The Jungle

Labels: Elle, Hissy Fit, Mum, Questionable, Religion, School, The Queen

I have a mother.
To push me away from Islam.



If you weren't my mother,
I'd hate you.



No, I don't "think highly of non-muslims" and try to "follow them".
I only think lowly of you and try to be the opposite.

Funny isn't it?




Stop looking down on others. There's nothing admirable in you to be proud of.






-14438
everything I am now, is your doing

Labels: Elle, Hissy Fit, Mum, Religion, The Queen