helloooo people, if I can live with your ideals, get over mineee. And stop misinterpreting!
Come on, I am not turning into a robot. If ever, I'll most likely be more empathetic! Stop being the "mature" people thinking awww this girl is trying to be different when she's actually the same. Really, lame mentality.
Like I've replied an angry person's email, I KNOW I'm not the only one in this world facing shit OH MY GOD PLEASE GET OVER YOURSELVES THAT YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME. Goodness? This is life, at some point of time, at some aspects in life, SOMEONE will have it worse than you at something. So I cannot be sad over my predicament? It's not as if I'm not getting over it? I am! Why are you guys so clogged up in your brains that you must stick to your ideals and your principles only? Be open minded, accept that people are different, people think differently. If I can accept you for who you are, then stop being a bitch to me?
For all the harping about "look at yourself" don't look at others, the entire point of the post is that I HAVE. I want to STOP JUDGING (don't you read? I really do question your intelligence now) I want to be a GOOD PERSON and it's okay that there are people with flaws! I do my best to be a better person everyday, and that is what counts. I appreciate things that are done for me and if I don't or forget to, and you find it offensive, TELL ME LIKE HOW I TELL YOU. And if you don't find an issue with it, then be happy that you made me happy! Stop playing these stupid childish games!
Like I've said countless times, I judge people. you judge people. EVERYONE will form impressions in their minds about people but ACTION IS KEY. I want to STOP acting on my judgments and I hope that the world would see the same. That though you judge, you are open-minded enough to give the person the benefit of the doubt, that they might change or actually have an amazing trait lurking beneath the nonsense that you've not seen.
I will not be friends with ANYONE. Understand? No 50% no 60% and all that bs. Goodness me. I respond to your actions(good or bad, if you are a bad person, I AM SURE I WILL RESPOND POSITIVELY TO YOUR 1% GOOD ACTION I am pretty sure you're human not satan), and I WILL BE a friend, in terms of action. I will not stand by and watch you fall or deliberately ruin your life or be heartless or be a robot. I am NOT pushing people away you retards! PEOPLE LIKE YOU make me want to push people away but I DONT. It is precisely that humans are all greys and not black and white, that's why I am a friend to everyone. Whether you take drugs, or stole a car, or bitch about people, or cheat on your lover, or are selfish, or have sex with anyone, even animals, I. Don't. Care.
What I don't want is to call you MY FRIEND. Because people like you, have to harp on it like crraaaaazzzaaayyy. I would have a relationship with you YES, it's impossible to not have a relationship with someone unless you've never met the person. Just the KIND of relationship, it would not be friendship. It would be purely based on actions on the spot.
And with regards to my exclusive few, I love you and I don't give a shit what you think about me even though I'm feeling abit of retardation from all of you. I DONT CARE. I dont care if you don't love me anymore, I don't care if you do. I love you because I love you and I do things because I love you FULLSTOP.
I don't expect anything from you SO DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING FROM MEEEEEE BETCHEZ. I am already being the best person I possibly can, yes I make mistakes and I accept my mistakes and rectify them if I knew them and knew how.
I would not be making up theories if I don't abide to them myself. SERIOUSLY, I'm not an idiot. And I don't IMPOSEEEEE my theories on you. Okay? So please get over yourselves and your ideals because it's starting to look like you think you're the better person and your theories are the only right theories and I can't have mine.
Of course my theories can have holes poked if I don't explain it well(and theories are theories not facts), I can't, it's hard for me to express myself in words, I don't have that gift, but why don't you open up your mind a little and try to see it from how I'm seeing it, because I DO KNOW HOW YOU SEE IT and I understand WHY you see it that way and I ACCEPT IT that you want to believe in it.
Like flipping religion, I can see why Christians love Jesus to death and Buddhists believe in karma and bla bla bla. It's not that I don't read up about it, I know! You've told me all about your flipping religion! And I see where you're coming from and I accept it, I just choose not to believe in it!
I don't want nouns to express how I feel about you, unless it's something like family (DNA will kick your ass trying to deny it)or boyfriend or girlfriend (THERE IS SOMETHING WRONGGG with your r/s if you don't want a status because these are steps before marriage, BEFORE FAMILY, the commitment needs to be there)
But friends? The commitment DOES NOT need to be there. There is no ties. You're speaking up for me Jacob, like the rest of you. There is no ties. ONLY LOVE. Friends does not equal love! LOVE IS LOVEEE. Because I have you in my personal regard, because I LOVE YOU, I WILL be there for you I WILL have a commitment to YOU. okay? And it is not easy to love someone so NO I DO NOT LOVE EVERYONE. (And if you don't love your family and boyfriend or girlfriend then it sucks to be you)
So NOOOOO god I just don't believe in friends, get over it, if I don't love you, TOO BADDD I am sure someone else does (You still have family you whiny ass) and if I do, WOW GOOD FOR YOU. one more person in your life loves you, don't you feel loveddddd?
Basically I will be the same person my actions are the same, IF you had not known and read this post, YOU WOULD FIND NO SIGNIFICANT CHANGE IN ME, the only thing that has changed is my PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE. so why are you finding an ISSUEEEEE with me? I am THIS sort of person, a person who analyses things and I do it because I find it important, you have your own set of things important to you and I have mind. I find it important because it defines my purpose and how I feel and perceive about life, the journey that I AM TAKINGGG NOT YOUUUU LALALA HELLO HELLO WAKE UP. STOP SHAKING ME CAZ I AM AWAKE.
Look at the gazillion people in my life whom I call friends. Really, wont you find it more offensive that I consider an insignificant person friends and you friends when youre more significant to me? So what I do, I do, because I care in some way but to hell with friends. I do it not because "it's what friends should do." screw that okay? Everything I do MEANS something, and in your point of view you would call it "friendship"
I don't. Okay? I call it love. Personal regard. Whatever. Different people, different degree of regard. GET OVER ITTTT.
Stop trying to show me that I am wrong and yet tell me at the same time "there is no right and wrong" YOU look who's doing the judging. hypocritical bunch of shits leh all of you! wahlao! Must bombard me for what I believe in? I am so disappointed in all of you! haha and I don't really care if you're disappointed in me or son't want to be friends with me. like everything else in life, I can live with it and I can move on. Just because I can, does not mean I am a robot and you are such wonderful empathetic human beings. Fuck off.
NOW, I want to talk about my day hahahaha. Hmm I watched Detroit Metal City, the first few episodes of the anime and OMG SO FUNNAYYY HAHAHAHA-
eh wait, I forget to tell Jacob I love him too eventhough he always think he's better than me and everyone and drive me crazy. See? I told you. I love means I love forever AIYO LEAVE ME ALONE LAH. No "friends" to love me also never mind. My family does and hopefully a future husband to have a family with. TADA! Happiness. Hehehehahaha.-
OKAY continue. Anyway remember Singapore Idol? the third season (latest one) there was this dude in long blonde hair and costume and face painting I JUST WATCHED DETROIT METAL CITY SO NOW THEN I REALISED WHO KRAUSER IS HAHAHAHAHA
You see, in Detroit Metal City, Krauser is this crazy metal screamo guy, lead singer of a screamo metal band. BUT this guy accidentally joined that band, he thought it would be a lovey dovey meaningful soft melodious tunes kinda band. BECAUSE HE IS ACTUALLY that kinda of person! But the sad thing is that he is good at being metal screamo and his love songs SUCKSSSS. Hahahaha! And everytime the anime shows him trying to sing love songs he looks soooo retarded and gay and mushy BAHAHAHA
So, my point is, Krauser on SG Idol I SALUTE YOUUUU. The irony is BEAUTIFULLL how you dress like that and purposely sing a love song hahahaha THE JUDGES ARE STUPID. Your voice isn't that bad and you should make it through and they should appreciate the irony. But sadly, eventhough the judges are immersed in the MEDIA industry, they don't know the existence of KRAUSER, shame on you! Aiyah, I think the judges are retarded to begin with so whatever.
(Hate Dick Lee. He's a dick hehehehehe and Florence is really a Lian. Don't know anything but act like know everything. Ken is arrogant and think he so damn good. BUT I respect that occasionally his comments are professional and made sense. Other than that, I think all three judges are RUDE and purposely try to mock and diss people because they think they are so funny and give entertainment value. Disgusting. Even American Idol isn't mean please.Singaporeans really over do things.)
And then I recently I also watched Survivor (just the last episode because I cannot be bothered with TV) AND OMG ASS TO THE MAX RUSSEL SHOULD HAVE WON. I was so upset, Russel was so upset UGHHH people are just sore losers and sometimes need to OPEN UP THEIR MINDS and see that the bad people have good in them and that eventhough russel betrayed everyone like siao and lie and deceive and manipulate and use people? HE DID IT FOR THE GAME. It is how you play the game! And they should stop taking it personally and give him the win because HE deserves it! Jaison is stupid because he said in real like "you would hate the Russel and you wouldnt want to let him win" OMG YOU CHILDISH BRAT IN REAL LIFE, YOUR PRIZE IS DEATH. Idiot.
You die, you go to heaven or hell. So the point of the game of Life, is to do good things, live a purposeful life and ENJOY THE JOURNEY. In survivor, SCREW THE JOURNEY ONLY 1 MONTH WHAT, and you get a million dollars! Doesn't mean that Russel is a bad person! He just know what to do in the game! Wahlao! hate sore losers and people who take it personally. I AM SO UPSET FOR RUSSELLLLLL :( Russel I am officially your number 1 fan because I APPRECIATE THAT HOW YOU PLAYED THE GAME WAS AN ART MAN. WOOOAAHHH hahahahahaha
shiz man my post is very long and I have chores to do but I really don't feel like doing them. I feel like eating. RAWR. I really feel like eating.SIGHZ it seems I am gaining weight even thought I cut down on my food.WTHHHH. And I have been exercising (though not as often as I want to)sigghhhh not enough! Must do more! RAWR.
Hokes is my favouritest boy in the world. That's why he's my boyfriend. Not the other way around. Yay! It seems I still cant wear that halter dress. Sad. I want to make custard tarts. Without growing fat. maybe give some to my aunts, cousins and hokes' family too. Hmm. I would give Jacob too. But he would never meet me. And Ryan but he's overseas. And other people but they are angry with me. TOO BAD. no yummy tarts for you! until you want to talk to me. because actually i am ok. HAHA. contradictory. Im ok if youre ok. OK! my mama is being annoying but I love my papa like crazy suddenly caz I thought he almost died. Sigh, it's so cute when your parents show you they love you. SEE. NO MATTER WHAT MUST RESPECT YOUR PARENTS. even if they are wrong and retarded. omg I really feel like eating tarts. See? this is how my train of thought travels.
Friends. The word itself is bullshit. There are no such things as friends. "Friends" is a word made up by man to believe that he is not alone in this world. He is wrong and he is wrong.
He is never alone in this world. It is bullshit. Everyone will experience life. And on this planet, life means eventually meeting more than one human being (Or animal. Up to you). Thus, you are never alone you ignorant person you.
According to the dictionary.com this is its definition:
–noun 1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. 2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony. 3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe? 4. a member of the same nation, party, etc. 5. (initial capital letter) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.
I believe this affection/emotional attachment/regard is temporary. I feel that if you spend alot of time with someone (and that person must be at least a nice person) you will overtime develop an affection/liking with said person.
It's inevitable! So, wherever you go, you will (if you reach out and communicate) have friends!
There's a saying, "Strangers are just friends you don't know yet."
HOW TRUE! And how absolutely rubbish! The significance in the word "friends" have been totally and utterly lost. Or maybe, it was never there to begin with! We just made it up to make ourselves feel good because we have "friends". We have alot people who give a shit about us. We have alot of "friends". Which is why it's natural for someone to yearn for popularity and fame.
My theory is, in this world, there are no friends. There are good people and bad people.
Good people are considerate and kind by nature. They will help anyone in need and they are nice to all(even if it's only in the beginning). Until someone does something to make them dislike you, their niceties to you would severely decrease (but they would never murder you or anything of the sort). And if it's truly unbearable, they will just stay away from you, occasionally indulging in discussing your bad qualities to someone they trust the conversation with.
And bad people only care about themselves. Or are serial killers. Or are manipulative dictators. Period.
So all good people will eventually be "friends" as man have coined it, and bad people will take advantage of you, step on you, bring you down, manipulate you, just so he/she will rise above you.
And people who scream, "No! I do have friends! Real friends!" You are all deluded and are a part of the Friends Fan Club. Similar to people who are in love with love. Except that love exists and friends do not. That's why they're "in love" and not "in a fan club". Though infatuated people are often misled into believing it is love.
So the reason why friends come and go is because people come and go. If you tell me you've been friends with a person since childhood and that's an example of friends forever, you are mistaken. It's only because the person has not left. Which is why he/she is still "friends" with you. Get it?
Friends are people whom you are comfortable with that are created out of circumstance. You meet them, you know them, you befriend them. Once they're out of touch, they do not think about you everyday. No one in their right mind would. They only remember you when they remember you and they will be more willing to help out people they're currently more close to. Their "new friends".
Which is why I think it's bullshit. How unfair it is for someone to be biased like that? I do not like these people. I do not approve of what these "friends" do. I would rather you treat everyone around you equally. So if I'm not your "friend", you would not help out me at all? That is a very bad trait to have. I hate people with this trait.
I would cherish a good person more than a "friend". Well, obviously! I do not believe in friends! So if you are a good person, I will love you. And if you're a bad person, but you are my "friend", I hope you know where you stand in my life now.
*cassandra… buy me tickets to the il divo concert? please? says: gushhhhhhhhh guys are such assesssssssss i wish i were lesbiannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn hahahhaa or a guy
kt says: hahaha cannot. later jefri die
*cassandra… buy me tickets to the il divo concert? please? says: lol.
kt says: or become gay
*cassandra… buy me tickets to the il divo concert? please? says: i told him i wish iw ere a guy then he said cannot, then he wouldnt be able to be w me. so i said its okay. he can be gay then he said no!
kt says: hahahaha
*cassandra… buy me tickets to the il divo concert? please? says: oh em geee hahaha then i whacked him. xDD he’s not supposed to say no! LOL he’s supposed to say he would be gay for me. hahahahhahahahahahhahaha
kt says: hahaha “i would be gay for you my love” HAHA JINX
*cassandra… buy me tickets to the il divo concert? please? says: HAHAHAH OMG YOU READ MY MIND HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
#1 How I'm such a Beeyatch. Inspired by my brother when I asked him what I should blog about.
Beeyatch(n):An unpleasant, rude girl.
1) When I was in the bus. I saw Fauzi and Shaun. I said hi. They said, Why don't you have a seat (refers to window seat in front). A woman was sitting next to that seat (aisle seat). I said, DONT WANT. I DONT WANNA CLIMB OVER MOUNT EVEREST. She looked up at me, smiled apologetically, and moved in.
:O BEEYATCH!
2) I make racist jokes to my brother about his dark skin colour everyday. He finds it so funny, he can't help laughing along.
:O BEEYATCH!
3) I scold people in the lab loudly but indirectly for being slobs. "WHO THE HELL NEVER REFILL PIPETTE TIPS HUH? LIKE NEVER DO LAB BEFORE LIKE THAT WAH LAO."
:O BEEYATCH!
4) When someone hit my leg accidentally with his shopping bags, I apologised. When he just ignored me, I screamed," YOU HIT PEOPLE LEG THEN NEVER APOLOGISE!" Much to the shock of Hokes and the people around me. The D-bag walked away ignoring me. (to be fair, my leg hurt a hell alot)
:O BEEYATCH!
5) I did all of these things without feeling bad for being a beeyatch.
:O
ENOUGH, I shall now mend my ways. PATIENCE is once again key.
I'm now lying in bed feeling woozy with a wet towel on my forehead and neck in an attempt to bring down the fever I am currently and unfortunately stuck with. (Go away, flu bug! Go away!)
Ryan thinks I have Swine Flu- CHOY! No one in Singapore has Swine Flu. It takes forever to reach Singapore. Like movies and shows and awesome entertainment things etc etc.
I was helping Cass out for FYP, which is a total ***** really, someone kept changing-
(sorry, medication made me fall asleep so I'm continuing this post at 1.12pm 21 May)
-anyway, as I was saying.
Someone kept changing the RPM and the temperature of our incubator. I'm so sick of censoring myself. I mean, I actually stopped using vulgarities. To the extent that I'm actually shocked when people use the F word. But today, my throbbing brain says Fuck you all, I'm gonna use Fuck all I want because it gives me an immature satisfaction of using an ugly word to describe ugly things.
So as I was saying. I was helping Cass out for FYP. I felt sick in the morning and the feeling was just deteriorating. By INAC, I was completely off.
And LC was unhappy. Because I couldn't help much. Amazing isn't it? To think that I scolded LC last year for not contributing to the project. And now I'm stuck as his lab partner and he is the one now frustrated with me.
Good thing I don't keep grudges for long. As annoying as he may be, I'm actually capable of being normal around him. We talk when we see each other. And I even had lunch with him once! For an entireeee hourrr. zomg. amazing.
Here's the list of irritating things.
#1
LC refuses to cooperate. He gets experiment results, calculates and refuses to share his knowledge. Thankfully, I got my own brains despite the fever so I proceeded to do the questions that I know how to, and attempt to trade answers with him for questions I don't know how to do. Realising that I am actually attempting to contribute, he only shares answers with me but ignores our other lab partner.
Either he's racist, or, he thinks she's damn useless. So, Idk. Anyway, we completed the experiment, and my other lab partner clearly having her worksheet empty because she has no idea what's going on since LC is not sharing anything with her, I helped her anyway. I think LC isn't too happy with that but whatever.
#2
I went over to do FYP and my fever went up. Eventhough it was a relatively warm day, I wore my hoodie over my long sleeved top and still felt freezingly cold. I was shivering in the lab but strangely I could feel heat radiating from my face.
I helped Cass with FYP and regrettably slowly too, but seriously I really couldn't take it, if I had my way, I would've cabbed home already.
An hour later, my fever shot up. I felt so cold, I felt like I was in Antartica. Cass was obviously pissed with me, but I was too delirious to care. I did things slowly with extra effort not to spill things. Because my hands were unsteady. Cass was late for Heroes Seminar, so was I, but I decided I really really couldn't take it.
#3
Cass rushed off to the seminar leaving me to clean up. I really badly wanted to just leave an hour ago. By now, I felt like dying. I carried the four bottles down to the other lab to incubate and the students there kept staring at me as if I got leprosy.
FUCK YOU.
FUCK ALL OF YOU WHO CHANGED THE RPM AND TEMPERATURE. FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU STUPID JUNIORS WHO DONT KNOW SHIT.
I taped the broken handle as an improvisation. And burning thighs from squatting was equally painful as the muscle aches I keep having. My thigh would suddenly hurt, a short sharp pain. Then my calves. Or sometimes my back. Or arms. Tsk.
#4
After I cabbed home, mum scolded me for being sick. See. Sick also get scolded. Wahlao. She said I didn't take care of myself. What rubbish. Nvm. She's just concerned. She then took my temperature. It was 42 degrees celsius. I couldn't move at all in bed. I couldn't open my eyes. And all I remembered was seeing Mama freak out. She rushed to get wet towels and sponged me. One on my forehead. The other under my neck. She gave me panadol and let me sleep. By now it's 5 pm.
#6
I woke up at 9pm. Mum fed me porridge. She told me I had to bathe. To bring down the ridiculously high fever. I realised I couldn't walk so I had to lean on Mama. And at 18 years old. Mama had to bathe me like I'm a baby. how humiliating. I had to sit on a chair in the bathroom while I showered. And the water was so fecking cold. Mama helped me change and put me into bed.
#7
My fever wasn't 40 degress plus anymore but it didnt subside. it remained hovering between 38.9 to 39.9 . I was shivering the entire night. It was so so so cold. I remembered how I feel better when I shiver because it made me slightly warmer. But also hated shivering because any movements hurt my head excruciatingly so. Mama stayed up the entire night to sponge me.
#8
I woke up at 11am. I realised I was in bed since 5pm last night. I needed to see a doctor. I went to Sengkang Polyclinic and doctor gave me tonnes of medicine. He said I just got a very bad case of flu. Gave me a course of antibiotics that I must finish. I hate medicine. And medicine means you have to swallow. My sorethroat was so bad I didn't wanna talk. I didn't wanna sneeze or cough or retch because it was so fucking painful. Doctor gave me lozenges and a gargle for my throat.
#9
Mama received a call regarding a certain someone who is going through a divorce and something happened to that someone that makes me very very angry. I hate people. No wonder my ambition when I was a kid was to be a vet. Animals are so much less retarded sometimes.
#10
I texted Cass earlier in the day to remind her to submit the Genomic Report. I was reminded by LC that the dateline was that day. Cass texts late at night telling me she's out and asks me to submit it. I got online and checked and realised the dateline was at 5pm. I submitted it via email to the lecturer anyway. FML.
#11
For the life of me, I don't understand why but my fever shot up again. Doctor says if it's bacteria and not virus infected flu, the fever would shoot up and down. It would go down because of the Panadol then later go up again.
#12
I began developing this excruciating pain in my head. Everytime I get up from lying down, or stand up from sitting, the entire back of my head would burst into sudden sharp pain. I would stop and just stand there with my hands over my head. Mum and Dad would look worriedly at me. Then I continue walking slowly.
#13
After medication, I slept again till morning. Fever went down to 38. Fluctuate between 38 and 39 so I was occasionally feeling good and bad. Thankfully it's not 40 so in general I was feeling better. Sorethroat was not recovering. Headaches kept coming more often and more painful each time. I am on 6 hourly Panadol. 8 hourly amoxylin + lozenges + cough syrup. I refuse to take the runny nose medicine because I have NO RUNNY NOSE. stupid doctor. Make me pay for something I don't need.
#14
Cass once again is pissed at me for not going to school again. She has to do FYP alone again. Which initially, I was already feeling very bad about it. But everytime she texts, she makes me feel guilty. which I don't appreciate. for the life of me I don't understand how you can be angry at someone who didn't ask to be sick. And I am genuinely sick right now.
I don't know which one is gonna explode now. my artery or my brains. my eyes exploded last week. tsk.
Because I've fallen so far away from the place where I started from.
Monday, May 4, 2009
I'm listening to Ingrid Michaelson and emo-ing. I know not why, but this feeling seems to always resurface at night when I'm alone. I used to be much too immersed in conversations with Ryan and Jacob and such, those msn regulars. And when slowly they left, I had Hokes to tell me bedtime stories or have deep intense 7 hr conversations about life, religion, philosophy and all random things.
Now, I feel so alone.
And it's nobody fault, really. I'm an independent girl. I'm just not an emotionally strong person, as Jacob pointed out. And usually, I'm okay being by myself. Just not at night. I really should try to get over this. I am a girl, who is seriously lacking faith.
Faith in everything really.
Religion. Love. People.
I'm just a walking cause of disappointment to everyone around me.
I disappointed my parents. Friends. Ryan. Jacob. And my gut tells me I'm gonna disappoint Hokes. Like everyone else. Eh. Actually I already have disappointed him. Hah. Disappointing people must be my niche.
I'm a tangled mess of contradictions. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Is that the popular quote? Correct me if I'm wrong. If that quote is true, then what's the point of me having good intentions all the time?
I don't know why, but everytime Hokes talks about religion to me a wave of anxiety engulfs me. I mean, it's good that he'd like to know more about the religion but, I'm deathly afraid. I don't want people to believe in something just because I do. I want them to believe in it because that's what they want. That's what they believe in. And has nothing to do with me.
I think, I'm secretly afraid, that Hokes will learn about the religion, understand it, but is unable to believe in it. I cannot. I just. Cannot. I cannot accept you if you don't share my beliefs.
I'm sorry. I choose religion over love. If one day, should I disappoint you too, let this at least be clear. Oh god, why am I crying? Haha, sheesh ever the emokid me.
Religion is like, principles. Strong strong principles which I use to govern and live my life by. Though time and time again I go against my own principles and shame myself, it is nevertheless a part woven into the fabrics of my existence and will never go away.
In case you haven't already realised, I don't particularly like myself. And I don't like that fact too, it means I have low self-esteem. But I don't. And I try and try to be the best I possibly can, but I keep letting myself and everyone down. Okay, I'll try harder.
I shall start with prayers. I shall work towards not missing prayers. I shall begin praying again. I hope God can help guide me back. Back to the place where I started from. So I can begin everything anew.
After prayers, I shall rectify my diet. Then, perhaps, one day, I can love myself enough to rectify my sense of dressing.
I want to be a good friend. But I don't really know how. I don't know the right things to do at the right times. But I do know that I want to help yous. Just tell me how.
It's funny, how I'm so old already, yet I'm still trying to find myself. Find who I really want to be. And to think I tell people to just be yourself. I should practice what I preach. Unfortunately, easier said than done.
Recently, I rediscovered why I love my religion. What a joy! I feel happy. And sad at the same time. And yet that glimmer of hope inside my cold black heart bathes me with such warmth it makes me shudder. It must be the way Uztaz Zulkeflee puts things into perspective. He has a way about him. He's probably the one who moved countless converts' hearts. Like my Dad. Dad said he learnt from this man before he even converted. And Dad also said that Uztaz Zulkeflee understands the problems of the converts more than the converts could themselves.
I really like him. He's a dear old man. His voice is strained, because he recovered from a massive stroke two years ago. He moves slowly, but he has such a cheerful face. Constantly smiling. And such kind kind eyes. He makes you feel so comfortable about him.
Here are his teachings that I found very enlightening.
The 7 Significant Verses of The Quran
1)Surat At-Tawbah 9:15
Say:"Nothing will happen to us except what Allah has decreed for us; He is our protector" and on Allah let the Believers put their trust.
We must believe that both good and bad things come from God. And trust in God whatever he throws you. So if God has decreed that you won't die yet, then no matter what negative things happen, you still won't die yet. Only God can control such matters.
Good things and bad things are both tests. While bad things are testing for your patience and faith in God, good things tests for your gratitude (syukur)
Conditions of Syukur 1) acknowledge who gives you the favour : God 2) value God's favour to mankind (even the small things) 3) use whatever favour God has given you in a way that pleases him
My personal musings: I think it's wonderful. It teaches you to be appreciative about everything. Uztaz Zulkeflee gave an example that relates to his life. When he was down with stroke and was bedridden, people came to him and pitied him. But he laughed and said, "No! It is you whom I pity! For while God tests me on my patience, God is testing you on your gratitude (syukur)" And surely, being grateful is much harder no? :) So I really should stop wallowing in emo nemoness :)
I'm afraid I'll have to continue the teachings some other time because it's 1 am and I need sleep caz class starts early tmr. Haha, and I've stopped being emo. I think it's a combination of re-reading the teachings of the Uztaz and Ryan talking to me :)
haha she's stealing my pretty letter writing pads and writing letters randomly to random people and watching awesome songs on youtube by Andy McKee and Antoine Dufour and I'm letting her listen to PaperBag's songs and she's waiting for Sleeping Beauty to be done streaming so we can watch it (YES, we are in Disney Mood) I have OneRepublic on iTunes and we're singing along to it while she's on her phone with her BF, while mine is in the JUNGLEEEEE this very moment, I hope he's okay :/
Spent the last 3 days with Hokes, yay! :) I have a huge reserve of happy juice to last me till next week :) So I think I'll be fine :) :)
Okay. I think I lost my mood to blog. Heh. I shall blog about philosophical musings and religion in my next post. :) I like Uztaz Zulkeflee. :) He's the guy whom my Dad learnt from before he converted. I shall blog about him nexttt.
I kill myself to make everything perfect for you. Umm.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Strangely, I feel so at peace now!
Hahahaha
I've had dinner. I'm chatting with Jwong.
I don't know why I'm in such a good mood. Well not really good mood. Just feel so... serene.
cookies starbucks movies stolen kisses long talks cuddles bedtime stories tshirts to breathe your scent in deep reminiscence early morning naps nature walks breakfast sets jokes laughter endless staring tickles teasing I don't walk right not like I used to there's a jump in my step as I rush to see you I could be happy here as long as you're near to me as long as you're close to me now that I'm alright as I'm trying I can help you out just to keep things right I'll be what you need goodbye apathy so goodbye apathy
I know I haven't been blogging. I'm sorry, I've been real busy with FYP and Hokes is going into army ON MONDAY SO I WILL SPEND EVERY WAKING MOMENT WITH HIM, and yes I will ditch all of you for more time with Honeystar.
I woke up this morning with a funny taste in my head. Spackled some butter over my whole grain bread. Something tastes different, maybe it's my tongue. Something tastes different, suddenly I'm not so young.
I'm just a stranger, even to myself. A re-arranger of the proverbial bookshelf. Don't be a fool girl, tell him you love him. Don't be a fool girl, you're not above him.
I never thought I could love anyone but myself. Now I know I can't love anyone but you. You make me think that maybe I won't die alone. Maybe I won't die alone.
Kiss the boys as they walk by, call me their baby. But little do they know, I'm just a maybe. Maybe my baby will be the one to leave me sore. Maybe my baby will settle the score.
I never thought I could love anyone but myself. Now I know I can't love anyone but you. You make me think that maybe I won't die alone. Maybe I won't die alone.
What have I become? Something soft and really quite dumb. Because I've fallen, oh, 'cuz I've fall-fallen, oh 'cuz I've fall-fall-fallen So far away from the place where I started from.
I never thought I could love anyone. I never thought I could love anyone. I never thought I could love anyone, But you, but you, but you, but you, but you But you make me think that maybe I won't die alone. Maybe I won't die alone.
I had the pillow over my eyes to block the glare of the ceiling light. The fan was blowing straight at me, my bolster on top of me and my laptop left beside me on the bed, not yet switched off.
My dad came in and saw me. He called out my name. I remain unresponsive. He lift the pillow from my eyes and the glare made me squint. "Khalisah, go turn off your laptop and sleep. Turn off the lights. Don't leave your laptop on like that, later catch fire then burn. Okay? Go sleep."
I flopped around in bed some more until I decided to get up. Dad had left the room. Groggily, I got out of bed and went to my parent's bedroom. I saw Dad sitting at the edge of the bed watching television. Mum was reading the Quran on the floor.
I talked to Dad abit. Then, I went back to my room and lay in bed. Covered the pillow with my eyes and hugged the sheets against my bolster. I stoned for a few mins and heard a quiet beep. I thought nothing of it.
Then I heard a different sort of airflow. It couldn't be the aircon, I didn't switch it on. My fan was blowing at my legs. I felt the temperature of the air colder against my legs. I frowned. Strange. I flopped my legs up and down. The air definitely felt cooler. Reluctantly, I lifted the pillow from my eyes to look at the aircon above me.
It was most definitely on.
I frowned again. I wondered if Dad switched the aircon on for me so I can sleep. Strange. If he did, he would've turned off the lights and fan too. And I would've heard him while stoning. Maybe I really fell asleep when I thought I was stoning.
I went out of my room and back to Dad's. To my dismay, he was still sitting at the same position and Mum too. Didn't look like he moved at all, let alone switched the aircon on for me. I asked Dad. He said, nope. I asked him if Mum did. He said, nope.
"Then who switched my aircon on?" "Ooo..."Dad turned to look at me, his mouth an O. "Hah. Cool I have a very caring ghost in my room."
"Don't anyhow say, later really got."
"Kakak, you pray then you scared for what? As long as you pray it's okay," Mum said, pausing from her Quran recitations.
"Aiyah you accidentally switch it on is it?"
"Noooooo my aircon remote is behind my TV!"
"I said already, if you pray then you don't need to be scared what, go pray go pray, you huh," Mum interrupted again.
I kept quiet. I haven't exactly been a good muslim. I then asked Dad if my bro did it. He said he doesn't know, and that I should go ask him. And I did. I left the room and asked my brother. At first he shook his head. So I thought, maybe he switched my aircon accidentally when he switched his one in his room on. Who knows, the remote could work through walls perhaps. So I asked my bro if he did. He wouldn't give me a straight answer. He turned his head round and round. I asked him again. He answered, 5 hours ago.
I gave up but I doubt he did because I went to my brother's room and it felt cold like the aircon had been on for awhile and not just switched on 5 mins ago. I went back to my room and checked my aircon remote. It was on. Which means my aircon was switched on using my aircon remote.
WHICH WAS NOT DONE SO BY ME.
It was creepy as hell and I was disturbed. I turned my fan off and started mulling to myself.
2 hours ago I was googling Anxiety and Anxiety meds and Lexapro, the pills the doctor prescribed. They were linked to depressive disorders(what the other doctor diagnosed) and it was somewhat an anti-depressant. I was bummed. Dammit, I've been taking anti-depressants.
I wondered if my brain went crazy and maybe I actually really did switch the aircon on myself. I wondered if the pills had side-effects that made my brain crazy. I wondered if there was a ghost. I wondered if the ghost was nice, because it kindly switched the aircon on for me. I wondered if it's evil, if it wants me to sleep and not pray. I wondered if I was crazy again.
I should feel scared, but I'm relaxed in my room now. I wondered if the pills made me incapable of feeling much. So I can't feel fear. Or anxiety. That's what the pills are for right? I wondered if the pills also made me unable to be sufficiently angry at my brother when he was irritating me before. I wondered if I should continue taking the pills.
A little bug came to me to say hello, you're sick now.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I am sick. I am coughing until my abdominal muscles hurt. Until my throat is sore, I think I taste blood. My nose is constantly blocked, I can't breathe. My voice is now manly, a stark contrast to my previously high pitched voice. I have headaches, the ones you get when you have a fever. I am weak.
And.
I am officially tired of being sick.
I am SICK and TIRED of the headaches. I am sick and tired of the lethargy.
I WANT TO JUMP AROUND, I want to do things, I want to have bundles of energy, limitless amount of energy to spare.
I want to be able to focus on my studies, I want to...
I want so many things, but who says we get what we want all the time?
I saw the counsellor last week. A bloody waste of time. A bloody waste of time.
Do not PRETEND to understand me when I know you don't. You don't know what I want. How can you pretend you know what I want, when I don't know what I want exactly? I want things to be okay, but what is okay? All I know for sure is what I don't want.
I talked to the freaking counsellor for AN HOUR. And I thought, hey, a counsellor, might as well make use of it. I don't wanna be one of those shallow people. I want to be open minded. So yes, I poured my heart and soul to you. My deepest darkest secrets that some of my closest friends don't even know.
And after it all, you don't even understand me.
YOU SUCK SO BAD. I AM NEVER GOING FOR COUNSELLING AGAIN.
The doctor at the polyclinic, the one who diagnosed that I have depression. HE UNDERSTOOD ME BETTER. I almost cried because I knew he understands, and I don't want him to. Because he's a doctor. Not a psychiatrist. He referred me to a psychiatrist but I don't want to go because I don't have the money and I can't ask my parents because THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT I'M GOING THROUGH WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH.
I'm screwed up. Okay? I admit. I am a self-destructive dysfunctional person. I cannot think logically anymore. The doctor says depression does that. SCREW DEPRESSION
FROM NOW ON I AM NOT EFFING DEPRESSED. I LOVE MY LIFE. I LOVE MYSELF. I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND MY FAMILY.
I don't pick at flaws, caz flaws are OKAY. Everyone has flaws. I AM TOLERANT of flaws, I will ACCEPT YOU FLAWS AND ALL. AND I WILL STOP FREAKING CRYING LIKE A GODDAMNED BABY.
I WILL stick to my resolutions. I WILL stick to my principles, stick to my goals. Depression is retarded. I always thought that people going through depression are stupid caz, awww youre so sad awww your life suck awwww you might as well die AWWWW TOO BAD. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE HAVING IT WORSE THAN YOU OUT THERE SO SUCK IT UP AND STOP BEING A PANSY.
And then now I know why they are retarded caz depression is a mental retardation disorder. depression makes you stupid so now I'm a retard. be nice to me.
I'm not gonna be retarded anymore. I am going to be FINE.
My lecturer can go and die. "Oh it's quite serious you know. You should go get help. Bla bla bla. It's not too expensive."
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MONEY HUH? I am in DEBT. And I cannot let my parents KNOW. Why?
Because I am not throwing away what I have been working for MY ENTIRE LIFE just because I'm going through this retarded disorder.
Depressive disorder my ass.
STOP DEBARRING ME.
I turn up for lessons now. And I've started studying. I know I'm inconsistent but when I am truly working and trying hard, CUT ME SOME SLACK AND COOPERATE WILL YA? You are so not helping me by DEBARRING ME.
I understand my parents too well. Only too well. You don't think I've not tried reasoning with them? Like proper rational adults? You can't reason with them unless you want to turn their whole world upside down. And eventhough I hate hate hate so much what they are doing, I know they do it because they love me. And because of that, I can never truly hate them. And because of that.. I cannot bear to hurt them.
No matter how much you tell me it's for the better. No matter how much it's healthier for me, for them, for my life, and their life.
I cannot do anything, that would hurt them.
Last Christmas, I tested their limits. They hurt of course. It hurt me that they hurt. but they're better now. And I can't complain.
Now this issue, lies with me. With my principles. My moral values. It's just me. Me with the retarded brain.
I'm fine now. I'm improving. I've stopped dating. The guys I go out with are purely friends. And they are good friends. I'm sorry to say I'm not close to much girls in poly except for Cass Lee. Other girls in my clique include Sharon and Abigail. But I'm not as close to them. There are just some people that you feel alright to open up to and others, uncomfortable with.
I don't know. I just don't have that many girls around me. I have guys around me because guys are horny buggers. They like girls. So obviously, they don't mind hanging out with me. But after that, we came to a mutual agreement. That we will only be friends and that's it.
And that's okay. And they happen to be good friends.
So yes, I know alot of guys, because the guys approach me. If girls approached me, I'm equally nice and friendly. Like, in Ambassadors. There are tonnes of awesome girls. Ning and her fellow Year 1 gang. Joyce and Joyce both from Ambassadors and French. XiangWei and Hannah, my a.l. and L. Tsk, psh, I'm okay with practically all the girls in Ambassadors.
I'm okay with the girls in my course. I got to know a new girl, in my lab. She's repeating a module with Eugene. I talked to Eugene once in lab because he was my lab partner. We hit off hilariously. That was ages ago. And. Only recently have I started talking to her. Girls are just slower and less receptive of me. And it's normal BECAUSE THEY'RE GIRLS. No matter how open I am to girls, I am just less approachable to them.
(This is my theory. If you have another theory, please enlighten me, so I can LEARN)
And of course, the girls that understand me, I cherish them like crazy. I love them to bits. I love my friends to bits. Even though I know friends come and go. I can't help it? I just love all of you, even when I find you guys sometimes retarded or your flaws irks me, or you can be immature or childish. No matter what negative opinion I have of any of my friends (because your mind can't help but judge, it's whether you act on it), I love you all the same.
I know it's hard to believe. you might think I'm stupid this way, but that's just the way retarded me works.
I love my friends to bits no matter how crazy you guys drive me.
Like the way I love my parents, no matter how much I say I hate them, no matter how crazy they drive me too.
I just.. cherish relationships in my life. Suuuure I pretend to be some brave strong jaded girl, like I can just drop friends if I think you're not worthy to be considered a friend, but I actually take very long to get over it.
On the outside, I pretend to be over it, but I secretly think about it every night.
It took me a year and a half to get over Hidayah. And to be completely honest when she talks to me on msn it still hurts till now.
I'm so sorry, but ..
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry everyone.
I'm sorry for being so weird. I really wish I wasn't. I have my own ideals in my head.
Bear with me.
I've begun to mellow down. No clubbing since that time, no drinking, I still to this day am proud to say I don't smoke, no boys, I know my heart now, no rebelling against teachers, no rebelling against parents,
I'm fixing myself. One step at a time.
Bear with me.
I love you.
-15670 Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. -Mark Twain
I have been debarred from one of my modules for my poor attendance. And close to being debarred from the rest. I told them I can't wake up. I seriously can't. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SEVERITY OF MY INCAPABILITY OF WAKING UP?
I cannot wake up. Simple. My radio alarm would be loud enough to wake the entire family at 6 am, until they got up and started walking around disoriented before banging on my door to tell me to shut the damned thing, and I WOULD BE COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS.
I put my handphone, with the loudest and noisiest metal song I have, set with vibration and all, to wake me up EVENTHOUGH I have my loudass radio alarm already. But no, I sleep through like the dead, even with my phone ringing and buzzing on my face, with my mum banging on the door, with the radio alarm blaring away.
I. Cannot. Wake. Up.
Until my eyes decides to open.
WHICH part of that do you not understand?
I missed so many lessons because I sleep nonstop and only wake up at like 12 or 1. And stumble my way to school. And sometimes, school ends at 3 pm so why in the world would I go to school for 30 mins of lessons? (I take 1.5 hours to get to school)
I went to the first doctor- ugh i dont even feel like typing or blogging now iwannasleep andit's only 9.11pm tsk
UGH i have to do this or my blog will die.im so tired bodoh.
ANYWAY
I went with best fwen to a private doctor. He told me that I am an insomniac. And now my brain is entering a compensatory state. Which is why I suddenly sleep so much. And how I should NEVER sleep in the day while he is resetting my (insert scientific name) in my brain. He gave me some pills, anxiety pills, and told me to take one type every morning and one type every night.
AND IT COST ME 70 BUCKS. ARE YOU CRAZY I DONT HAVE 70 BUCKS. Now I owe best fwen 70 bucks because she helped me pay for it.
I WOULD SO SCREAM VULGARITIES RIGHT NOW IF NOT FOR MY NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS.
stupid expensive anxiety pills. I dont even see how I'm in a state of anxiety. Am I anxious, people? Huh? AM I? I'm so pissed.
So, I asked him for a letter to verify that I do have an existing sleeping disorder, good lord SURE I LIED ABOUT IT. NO REALLY, I actually have a good night's sleep everynight, I just don't come for classes because I love being a rebel and failing is my ultimate goal in life.
GIVE ME A BREAK GOOD LORD.
and the doctor refuses to write one because he says it's dangerous and can be used against me in the court of law. Like. okay. whatever.
He gave me 3 days MC and wrote Sleep Disorder in it. I was satisfied. My lecturer wasn't. "I need a letter of verification bla bla bla" OH WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEEEEEEEEEED GOD
Debarment is a stupid assed policy, IF I DONT WANNA COME TO SCHOOL AND IM STILL SMART ENOUGH TO PASS MY EXAMS THEN YOU SHOULD LEAVEEE MEEEE ALONEEEEE. I'm the one paying you money for my education right? SO WHY IS MY ATTENDANCE A BIG FAT ISSUE RAWR.
So, he tells me to go see a polyclinic, it's cheaper (but I generally have bad impression of GPs in polyclinics, because they are always so uncaring. meh) And okay so I went there, waited for HOURS, wasted more money.
And the doctor was surprisingly nice and creepy too. He stares at me and smile. Without saying anything. HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M A FREAK. And when I tell him stuff, he looks at me as if he could see deep into my soul and I was so uncomfortable around him.
It got so bad that when I was done talking and he's still staring at me, I went,"What???" And all he did was smiled and wrote a whole lot of shit into my file of which I couldn't decipher because his handwriting was so illegible(why is this typical of doctors?) it looked like he was writing in Tamil.
And he was so hesitant about asking me questions too. I think, he's like afraid of me. Like if he says the most dangerous words ," You. Are. Suffering. From. Depression." I'll turn into a nasty green hulk and eat him.
-.-
And so I told him abit of my family problems, because he's a doctor not a shrink (AND OMG I AM FORCED TO SEE A COUNSELLOR IN SCHOOL WTFWTFWTFTWF I SO TOTALLY OBJECT)
He even asked me if my lecturer was interested in me. WHAT THE FORK SPOON KNIFE? and I'm like "Ew? No?!" And he asked, "How old is your lecturer?" and i was like," I have no idea, he's old?" LAWL people LAWL.
He keeps going hmmm.. and looking at me, weirdly, like observing me. Sometimes, it's like the way best fwen looks at me when she thinks I'm acting like a nutcase.
OKAY FINE, BEST FWEN, YOU WIN. I'm suffering from depression WOOO I'm one of those emo morons, tsk.
And and and he said he would write a letter to my lecturer to tell him what he thinks, but he won't verify the sleeping disorder. LIKE OH MY GOD.
IF YOU AGREE WITH ME THAT I HAVE ISSUES SLEEPING AND WAKING UP WHY CANT YOU BLOODY WRITE THE DAMN LETTER PUT ME OUTTA MY MISERY SO I WONT GET SO IRRITATED ABOUT BEING DEBARRED MAKING MY LIFE WITH MY PARENTS ALL THE MORE HORRIBLE.
Here's what the nice but creepy doctor wrote. (Yes, I opened the envelope and read it eventhough it's for my lecturer. Bite me.)
"...she has symptoms of poor appetite, lethargy, somnolence (?) and anieclonia(?). she is most likely to have depressive disorder. We have offered her a referral to the psychiatrist but due to financial difficulties, she has declined it. It seems that her depression stems from problems @ home. When asked for more details, she declined to revealmore. Please feel free to let us know how else to help Khalisah."
(I tried my best to decipher his handwriting)
The doctor also tells me not to take those anxiety pills, because I don't look anxious to him. But, maybe that's because I already took one in the morning. And he was like,"Don't take la... This is for anxiety..."
And essentially, he never really did help me much solve my issues. GRREEAAATTT.
But he was actually very nice. So nice that he makes me wanna cry. And I almost cried again when I talked to him. To that he said,"What's that?" "What's what?" "Are those tears?" "NOOOOOoooo...?"
And he just smiled and stared and nodded his head and wrote more shit into my file.
>:(
I don't know how to get rid the crying in public syndrome. I cried at the brownie stall when Ryan was being an ass in his texts, and when James Morrison was playing on the speakers. Nobody saw me though, I ran to the toilet to do my make up.
Hehe I'm so pro.
I also cried in front of Sam and Raphael and Sean, embarrassing as hell. I can't stand it, I cried after reading this really sad article in NP tribune.
I cried when I told my lecturer about my issues with my family.
I almost cried in the bus and train. I almost cried when I feel so alone.
And everytime the urge to cry comes, I would feel tremendous shock and disgust.
BECAUSE I AM NOT A CRY IN PUBLIC PERSON ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew
you cannot believe how much I am so ugh-ing about the way I am now.
So I pretty much wasted alot of time, money and energy. And my life is crumbling like a cookie. wheeeee.
-15491 I join Facebook groups for their funky names. If you start a group with the previous sentence, I will sue you.
I am so flustered and all over the place now, it's a wonder my face isn't fully covered in stress pimples. Several small little volcanoes of mother effing pimples are saying HELLO WORLD! and pissing me off greatly.
6 days to the start of my common tests, people. That's less than a week. I AM SCREWED.
No, seriously, whatever happened to my resolutions?
Meh, time is zooming past in this semester and it's scaring me :( *whimpers* But nevertheless, I will not go down without a fight. YOU HEAR ME?! I WILL NOT GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT.
Rawr.
Once again, I apologize for my previous post. I HATE RANTING, because it's totally not classy, but I can't help it D; It's a satisfying outlet.
I threaded my brows and as much as I tried to hide it from my parents, they are not blind, so finally, after what? 3? 4 days? They realised that I have sexy brows now, and they flipped, because no, Muslims ain't allowed to thread their brows, but I'm never one to follow the rules to begin with, am I?
Now, I don't have a problem with getting into trouble or being scolded etc. But it's what my mother says when she nags that really gets under my skin. It just emphasizes her stupidity and narrow-mindedness so much so that it makes me ashamed to be associated with her, let alone related.
I do not want to quote her in my blog here because I am embarrassed- yes people, it is that bad- embarrassed that she is my mother and the source of rubbish sprouted was from her mouth.
The title of this blog post pretty much gives you a gist of the nonsense she said.
Facebook is also evil. It is addictive and evil. Evil evil evil. I have been facebooking, WHEN I WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO. I was supposed to be on hiatus. From blogging too! GAAAAAHHHHH epic fail :(
But I still think facebook pwns all others like what, Tagged? Multiply... FRIENDSTER which lags like nobody's business and MySpace (confuses the brain juice outta me). Whoever thinks otherwise, I will bite you. Actually, no not really.
I have been a little more productive today than the days from the start of this semester till yesterday, because I actually did my laundry and printed my notes. Couldn't really begin proper studying though. My inefficiency frustrates me. I am half done with cleaning my room, which makes my den so much more habitable, thankfully, and thus, a clean room = a more conducive place to accomplish things like work perhaps.
And now it's time to sleep, before my eye bags worsen and get bigger than my already tiny eyes or something. Oh the shame.
-14480 To do that would mean, not merely to be defeated, but to acknowledge defeat-- and the difference between these two things is what keeps the world going. -Upton Sinclair The Jungle
There are times in life where one will think to one self, "Why is this the way it is?" Or "Why is this called what it is?" Questions that baffle the mind, questions that you think will make you sound stupid to another person if you ask. Questions such as why is the sky blue? (Don't come over to my house for dinner if you know the answer.) We accept things the way they are without knowing how they work because we grew up with it. Be it a version one or an upgrade. But still every once in a while, when the light hits you just right, and the clouds are full and fluffy, and the moon is almost the shape of an egg, the question pops into your brain. It is the curiosity that becomes a squatter and finds shelter at the back of your brain which then leads to the formation of a cyst because of the poor hygiene squatters have, unless you find the answer. Finding the answer will give you a boot full of pride in yourself and a sense of "I think I've got smarter :D" especially when you figure it out yourself. And I had one of those moments today.
I have an online friend who has a fascination with my butt. My friend is a girl, so that makes things less weird, and more kinky. Heard of the term "friends with benefits?" Well we are sort of like that, but not really. "Friends with benefits" implies sex. But our benefits are strictly restricted to molestation. A lot of *pinches butt* happens in our online conversations. And it got me thinking, why do butts have cheeks? Or why are they called butt cheeks? Nothing of the facial cheeks resembles that of a butt. Unless you're ugly, thus the term "butt ugly". But people better than ugly would know what I'm talking about. Our facial cheeks don't form a facial crack like our butt cheeks do, nor do they make flapping noises when air passes through the crack because you sneezed. Bubble fart sneeze, that's what it's called. So why do our facial cheeks have to share their name with our butt? I figured the answer from all the pinching. See when you pinch or slap a butt cheek (both actions that can be used on facial cheeks), it turns red like your butt is blushing. Blushing? What else blushes? Facial cheeks!
So witnesses, I leave you with this piece of insight. If you are butt ugly, you probably can bubble fart sneeze.
-not emo LOL (in reference to elle's part 1 and part 2 post)
3 persons. 1 blog. Elle, Ryan, Jacob.
I do not have split personality.
Ry and Jacob are real people and to differentiate between our posts, do look at the labels below each post.
Labels:
Elle= The Queen
Jacob= The Anarchist
Ryan= The King
