*cassandra… buy me tickets to the il divo concert? please? says: gushhhhhhhhh guys are such assesssssssss i wish i were lesbiannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn hahahhaa or a guy
kt says: hahaha cannot. later jefri die
*cassandra… buy me tickets to the il divo concert? please? says: lol.
kt says: or become gay
*cassandra… buy me tickets to the il divo concert? please? says: i told him i wish iw ere a guy then he said cannot, then he wouldnt be able to be w me. so i said its okay. he can be gay then he said no!
kt says: hahahaha
*cassandra… buy me tickets to the il divo concert? please? says: oh em geee hahaha then i whacked him. xDD he’s not supposed to say no! LOL he’s supposed to say he would be gay for me. hahahahhahahahahahhahaha
kt says: hahaha “i would be gay for you my love” HAHA JINX
*cassandra… buy me tickets to the il divo concert? please? says: HAHAHAH OMG YOU READ MY MIND HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
Because I've fallen so far away from the place where I started from.
Monday, May 4, 2009
I'm listening to Ingrid Michaelson and emo-ing. I know not why, but this feeling seems to always resurface at night when I'm alone. I used to be much too immersed in conversations with Ryan and Jacob and such, those msn regulars. And when slowly they left, I had Hokes to tell me bedtime stories or have deep intense 7 hr conversations about life, religion, philosophy and all random things.
Now, I feel so alone.
And it's nobody fault, really. I'm an independent girl. I'm just not an emotionally strong person, as Jacob pointed out. And usually, I'm okay being by myself. Just not at night. I really should try to get over this. I am a girl, who is seriously lacking faith.
Faith in everything really.
Religion. Love. People.
I'm just a walking cause of disappointment to everyone around me.
I disappointed my parents. Friends. Ryan. Jacob. And my gut tells me I'm gonna disappoint Hokes. Like everyone else. Eh. Actually I already have disappointed him. Hah. Disappointing people must be my niche.
I'm a tangled mess of contradictions. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Is that the popular quote? Correct me if I'm wrong. If that quote is true, then what's the point of me having good intentions all the time?
I don't know why, but everytime Hokes talks about religion to me a wave of anxiety engulfs me. I mean, it's good that he'd like to know more about the religion but, I'm deathly afraid. I don't want people to believe in something just because I do. I want them to believe in it because that's what they want. That's what they believe in. And has nothing to do with me.
I think, I'm secretly afraid, that Hokes will learn about the religion, understand it, but is unable to believe in it. I cannot. I just. Cannot. I cannot accept you if you don't share my beliefs.
I'm sorry. I choose religion over love. If one day, should I disappoint you too, let this at least be clear. Oh god, why am I crying? Haha, sheesh ever the emokid me.
Religion is like, principles. Strong strong principles which I use to govern and live my life by. Though time and time again I go against my own principles and shame myself, it is nevertheless a part woven into the fabrics of my existence and will never go away.
In case you haven't already realised, I don't particularly like myself. And I don't like that fact too, it means I have low self-esteem. But I don't. And I try and try to be the best I possibly can, but I keep letting myself and everyone down. Okay, I'll try harder.
I shall start with prayers. I shall work towards not missing prayers. I shall begin praying again. I hope God can help guide me back. Back to the place where I started from. So I can begin everything anew.
After prayers, I shall rectify my diet. Then, perhaps, one day, I can love myself enough to rectify my sense of dressing.
I want to be a good friend. But I don't really know how. I don't know the right things to do at the right times. But I do know that I want to help yous. Just tell me how.
It's funny, how I'm so old already, yet I'm still trying to find myself. Find who I really want to be. And to think I tell people to just be yourself. I should practice what I preach. Unfortunately, easier said than done.
Recently, I rediscovered why I love my religion. What a joy! I feel happy. And sad at the same time. And yet that glimmer of hope inside my cold black heart bathes me with such warmth it makes me shudder. It must be the way Uztaz Zulkeflee puts things into perspective. He has a way about him. He's probably the one who moved countless converts' hearts. Like my Dad. Dad said he learnt from this man before he even converted. And Dad also said that Uztaz Zulkeflee understands the problems of the converts more than the converts could themselves.
I really like him. He's a dear old man. His voice is strained, because he recovered from a massive stroke two years ago. He moves slowly, but he has such a cheerful face. Constantly smiling. And such kind kind eyes. He makes you feel so comfortable about him.
Here are his teachings that I found very enlightening.
The 7 Significant Verses of The Quran
1)Surat At-Tawbah 9:15
Say:"Nothing will happen to us except what Allah has decreed for us; He is our protector" and on Allah let the Believers put their trust.
We must believe that both good and bad things come from God. And trust in God whatever he throws you. So if God has decreed that you won't die yet, then no matter what negative things happen, you still won't die yet. Only God can control such matters.
Good things and bad things are both tests. While bad things are testing for your patience and faith in God, good things tests for your gratitude (syukur)
Conditions of Syukur 1) acknowledge who gives you the favour : God 2) value God's favour to mankind (even the small things) 3) use whatever favour God has given you in a way that pleases him
My personal musings: I think it's wonderful. It teaches you to be appreciative about everything. Uztaz Zulkeflee gave an example that relates to his life. When he was down with stroke and was bedridden, people came to him and pitied him. But he laughed and said, "No! It is you whom I pity! For while God tests me on my patience, God is testing you on your gratitude (syukur)" And surely, being grateful is much harder no? :) So I really should stop wallowing in emo nemoness :)
I'm afraid I'll have to continue the teachings some other time because it's 1 am and I need sleep caz class starts early tmr. Haha, and I've stopped being emo. I think it's a combination of re-reading the teachings of the Uztaz and Ryan talking to me :)
I know it's a Wednesday but I really have no mood to blog.
Until now! haha!
So, anyway, on Monday, I woke up reeeeaaall early to go all the way down to Hokes' place. I had breakfast with him and his parents, of which they paid for my meal (how nice! I must remember to pay hokes back) They then drove me down to the SAF jetty thingy where we're to take a ferry to Tekong!
And his parents are sooo awesome, they gave me a coupon to join them!
SO, I went onboard the ferry, we saw Hokes' waterpolo friend WHO ALSO LOOKS HILARIOUS BALD hahahahaha seriously xD
We arrived on Pulau Tekong and we gotta split up so Hokes and the other boys had to settle administrative issues (like uniform sizes and bunk rooms and all that jazz) while me and Hokes' parents were given a tour around Tekong.
I was kinda afraid to be left alone with his parents, caz I've never been alone with them before, but my worries were unfounded caz they were awfully nice and I feel surprisingly comfortable with them. We boarded the bus, and this army dude starting talking and he kept assuring us that our sons will be fine and the facilities are awesome and they will be comfortable and even more safe here under the awesome supervision of the army dudes ah whatever. I know you're gonna give poor Hokes hell. hahahaha IT'S OKAY. HE WILL LEARN HOW TO BE A MAN. suuuuure hahaha stupid.
We saw the bunks and the canteen and the training grounds and it really looks like a school. It looks like Crescent HAHA the colours are like beigey like in crescent. Now I have the impression that army is like a more horrible version of OBS with shitty instructors and you wake up at 4.30 am every day.
The food there is supposedly better today since the family is here, but it's still below average tasting. I can't imagine the food when we're not there. I bet it taste shitty hehehe TOO BAD. Hokes, you have to learn to stop being picky. Please don't lose weight. Sigh, I like you just the way you are now.
We went to the auditorium and sat in comfy seats and air-condition. Listened to the most boring speech in the world about how awesome army is and what they're gonna do and their purpose and whatnots I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER IT NOW maybe that's their real intention hahaha.
Then they had to take the oath.
Which is FREAKING FUNNY I LAUGHED OUT LOUD.
dude in-charge: Repeat after me. 'I'.
boys: I.
dude in-charge: 'NRIC number' boys: (verbal vomit. everyone says their IC number at the same time hahahahaha)
dude in-charge: 'name'.
boys: (more verbal vomit hahahahahahaha) dude in-charge: 'will swear to protect bla bla bla'
boys: will swear to protect blabblabla
Hahahahahaha
So we had a final lunch with the boys before they had to line up and march to their bunks and I gave Hokes a final goodbye kiss and hug sighhh.
Hokes: Mee, Pa, take care of yourselves k? (turns to me) You take care of yourself too k?
Mamee and Pa: Mmm.(nods)
Hokes: Mee, take care of her for me k?
Mamee: NO. I THROW HER AWAY.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Pa:
Hokes:
Mamee: Of course I take care of her lah! Aiyo. Then what? I throw her away ah?
Me: HAHAHAAHHAHAA
Pa:
Hokes:
Mamee: You ah.
Hokes: Okok you take care of youself too k? Bye bye!
Lmao seriously, I can make a comedy out of the conversations I hear.
His parents are seriously adorable, I feel like they're my own parents really. Pa was always all today very hot, must drink more water and so I'd drink water from the bottle. And Mee (Hokes calls his parents Pa and Mee. Mee as in from Mummy. you know. ah whatevs hahaha) would call me young lady at first, telling me to be careful and watch my step when we're boarding/alighting the ferry or bus or when we're walking down the stairs. Then she took to calling me dear and asked me if there's any food I wanna get, joking with me about army dudes hahaha she once thought that this army dude fully uniformed with green and black face paint and all was a statue! and she almost poked his face AHAHAHAAH and then she started laughing to herself when she realised it was a real man lmao didn't I say they were adorable?
While Mee was away talking to the whoever it is in charge of Hokes' company, I sat down in the canteen with Pa and we constantly had funny conversations. (I found them funny and cute actually) Pa would ask me about my school and course and universities and what Hokes applied to, and it would lead to me asking him about Hokes' brothers. We talked about PK and SL (the brothers) and what course PK was in and how I'm in the same year as his cousin and seeing as we're all from NP too.
Then during the talk about army equipment and uniform, Pa asked me if I've ever been on the Tekong tour and asked me if I had a brother and I said yeah but he's younger and Pa would tell me how my bro would go through this too and how good it is for him but we ended up talking about SL(the first brother) in army previously and how PK is going into army soon (the second brother) I don't think I've ever heard his Dad talked so much before, he's always a quiet looking man hahahaha. Maybe I ask too many questions? Or he likes talking about his sons. HE'S ADORABLE DID I MENTION THAT? hahahaha omg i'm so weird.
After hokes left, in the ferry on the way back to Sg, Mee offered me some sour preserved peaches and they're yummy. All of us were so tired, walking around Tekong and IT WAS SO HOT. Blardy.
We walked back to the car, me chatting with Mee abit about fishing and then they drove me to Habourfront MRT station.
I was sleepy in the car so I stoned alot looking out the window, generally missing Hokes to bits.
Then, I overheard this really funny conversation between his parents. It's in English mixed with dialect and Mandarin. But they were mostly speaking in dialect or smth. Or maybe it's justt Mandarin but my ear got problem hahaha.
Mee: (was talking about PK for awhile. PK couldnt make it today. was relief teaching) You know, PK almost make one of his students cry you know?
Pa: Hmm.
Mee: Tsk that PK ah. At least he can control his students. Got discipline. Sumore he very big-sized.
Pa:
Mee: Wah... Song Loo cannot man. He sure cannot one.
Pa:
Mee: But PK can la. If Hoe Khoon... Aiya Hoe Khoon ah. Cannot make it lah. Hoe Khoon will go and play with the kids already.
HAHAHAHAHAHA OMG I found that so hilarious I was grinning in the backseat hahahaha.
So they dropped me off outside Vivo and I thanked them and promised to drop by their shop soon to pass them something (HEHE DONT TELL YOU WHAT) And I slept in the train all the way home.
I miss you chubby bunny! I've been spamming him with smses all day so he can read them all at night, I know he'll be too tired to call and talk to me or it would be lights out and he cant call caz if the sarge walking around. So sms spam is nice :) I'm an awesome girlfriend hahaha riiiight. On the ferry, before he left for army, I gave him my whistle necklace thingy. It's a small wooden less-than-an-inch-long rectangular whistle with black and silver design and my name on it. I had it made last year. It has a thick and long black string around and Hokes wanted it, so I gave it to him to keep him company in army :)
I also gave him my ugly alumni card with my face on it, caz he wanted a picture of me and I forgot to print one. We didnt think of it earlier :( Hokes gave me his blue ezlink card with his retarded sec 1 face on it HAHAHAHA the exact same hairstyle he has now. awwwwww :)
Mee thinks his botak hairstyle now is adorable, so geram you know, he looks like when he was younger last time hahahaha.
Before he left, Hokes also gave me the t-shirt he wore the night before. It has his scent on it :) And I keep breathing in the scent sighh, he smells good :) But the scent is fadingggg :(
I think I just screwed up my life even more with the BCHEM paper. Ah shucks. Ah. Shucks. Please kill me.
Anyway a bazillion things has happened, alot of which I don't wanna talk about less I go crazy again but yes. I've been weird AGAIN, but hey, I'm improving. I think I must have been frustrating a whole bunch of people with my low self-esteem so okok, I'll.. well. Dammit, I'm so sorry but I set damn high standards for myself and I'm not fulfilling them so..
:(
A teensy bit of juicy gossip. I've been seeing a certain someone. And that certain someone knows the existence of this blog. And I kinda feel weird. Lmao. Shuddup. We'll see.
Studying is not working out for me, I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT L4D I'm sorry, this is how random my train of thought is. But shuddup, I never got to touch the damned game till recently and dammit I suck hahahaha frikken noob BUT I so wanna play it until I'm not as noob as I so am now xD
Joshua Wong has left for Aus and I HATE HIM SO, hahaha but I got him, in my opinion, the most apt and awesome birthday/ farewell-see-you-in-a-coupla-years gift. I'm sure he loves it too :D
Recently, I attempted to study at Lido, saw Sam Power, had an awkward conversation, bid farewell, had Starbucks' Frapp just to realise a white guy was staring at me. He walked past several times, and as we made eye contact, he'd give a small smile. So I returned the smile, a small and almost unnoticeable one and carried on with my own nonsense, memorizing the structures of 20 amino acids.
Then, Weird White Guy (WWG) spoke to me. He was standing a little behind me with his arms crossed.
"I realized a lot of Singaporeans like to study in cafes. Why's that?"
"Umm, I don't know. I like Starbucks. Starbucks makes me happy."
"But wouldn't it be better to study at home?"
"I can't study at home, it's more distracting."
"Isn't studying here more distracting? The noise and all?" he gestures to the screen playing movie trailers softly behind me.
"Umm, well, home's my comfort zone, so I can't be in my comfort zone. My bed is really distracting, I'd fall asleep and eat and walk around doing nothing."
"Your what?"
"My bed."
"Oh your bed."
(Is my bloody accent that hard to understand?)
Then, realising that the conversation isn't gonna end anytime soon, and that it's kinda weird talking to him while I'm sitting down and looking up to him looming over me, I gave him a fork in the road.
"Would you like to have a seat?"
"Oh sure."
And WWG sat down across me. You know, he really should've said something like awww nah, I was just passing by. I'll not bother you now, good luck with your studies! But no. So he started chatting with me in the weirdest white guy accent. It was definitely not American nor British nor Australian nor Irish. Because I can recognise those accents somewhat.
So okay. He started telling me how he can't do Chemistry, how he stole a test paper and sold it for fifty bucks, how he took drugs, meth in fact, to stay up all night several days consecutively to study.
And all I could come up with as a response was,"Well, Starbucks kinda keeps me awake."
We talked about how weird Singapore's education system is, and he wanted me to show him what I'm studying so I took out my 20 amino acid structures and gave it to him. He stares at it.
While chatting with him, I was texting Hokes and my last text msg to Hokes was "There's a weird white guy talking to me now. Ah." Or something along those lines. And I was feeling quite awkward. Am I supposed to continue studying? Caz that would be kinda rude. And chatting with him would just prove his point about studying at cafes are more distracting because of white guys like him. Lmao. He said that I swear, and he gave me a very amused smile.
I grinned and shrugged.
Dammit lah. Hahahahaha.
AND THEN MY HERO CAME, yayyy, Hokes the idiot, surprised me. I thought he was still at home but no! He secretly came down without telling to surprise me, which he kinda failed caz I saw him and he wasn't able to come up behind me and shock me to death or something.
So I went all," EH HIIIII! What are you doing here?!"
And Hokes noticed me and grinned and sat beside me.
WWG suddenly had a change in attitude, he completely ignored me, chatted to Hokes about ipods, and then left without saying goodbye to me. Asshole.
I hope you can only find Creative stores around you rude bugger! I hope you never find the Apple store! NEVAH!
Lmao, but I was very glad to see Hokes. And that sweet little thing started helping memorise BCHEM and even wrote for me lists of things I should remember, WHEN I SHOULD BE THE ONE WRITING THOSE DOWN lmao, awwww.
(I wonder if you've guessed it yet)
He's been doing this alot, that scheming boy, lying to me that he's still at home, then turn up unannounced at macs yesterday where I was having lunch with the usual gang. We then went to a LAN shop and played L4D and finished the entire thing, it was fun, hilarious, and dammit, best fwen was better than me!
Then Best Fwen's BF came along, and all four of us were playing and omg sho fun. We had dinner, and ah, it felt like a, ah. Should I just say it? Ah. So many things has happened. Man. This blog is so outdated.
ok...
it's been like this.
met hokes at cny. crashed ac orientation. hokes asked me out on vday, that bodoh. i rejected M who also asked me out on vday, and i think M is an idiot(I find some people very immature even though they're so old). i spend some time with hokes. i went out with bff to play with horses AND THEY ARE SHO BEAUTIFULL i smelt like hay. i changed and went on a double date with bff and her bf and me with hokes. watched slumdog millionaire. damn sick parts, ouchies my eyes. but good movie. i agree with bff that double dates are gay. but hey, try new things lorz. i met up with jwong to pass him his present. jwong gave hokes immunity to my sluttiness. damn you. and recently, after L4D-ing with best fwen and her bf and hokes, we went to dinner and it felt like a second double date. lmao-ness.
I'm so glad I don't update my blog too often. Having a small circle of readers is so my cup of tea. So yesza! Now you know. And well, I don't know what to do about it, or how's this gonna turn out, but I'm doing my best, I'm being better,I have my weirdity and even though I threw him a whole lot of shit about me, I don't know what's wrong with him, What's wrong with you, Hokes?! Are you blind?! Maybe he's only seen me being my weird self that he can't tell when I'm normal and when I'm not lmao lmao lmao ness.
I miss ryan like crazy I haven't been talking to him much and Jacob too. But ah. Sigh.
Okok, now that all's updated, I'm gonna study. Again.
-16421 never lose your childish innocence -Under The Tuscan Sun
A little bug came to me to say hello, you're sick now.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I am sick. I am coughing until my abdominal muscles hurt. Until my throat is sore, I think I taste blood. My nose is constantly blocked, I can't breathe. My voice is now manly, a stark contrast to my previously high pitched voice. I have headaches, the ones you get when you have a fever. I am weak.
And.
I am officially tired of being sick.
I am SICK and TIRED of the headaches. I am sick and tired of the lethargy.
I WANT TO JUMP AROUND, I want to do things, I want to have bundles of energy, limitless amount of energy to spare.
I want to be able to focus on my studies, I want to...
I want so many things, but who says we get what we want all the time?
I saw the counsellor last week. A bloody waste of time. A bloody waste of time.
Do not PRETEND to understand me when I know you don't. You don't know what I want. How can you pretend you know what I want, when I don't know what I want exactly? I want things to be okay, but what is okay? All I know for sure is what I don't want.
I talked to the freaking counsellor for AN HOUR. And I thought, hey, a counsellor, might as well make use of it. I don't wanna be one of those shallow people. I want to be open minded. So yes, I poured my heart and soul to you. My deepest darkest secrets that some of my closest friends don't even know.
And after it all, you don't even understand me.
YOU SUCK SO BAD. I AM NEVER GOING FOR COUNSELLING AGAIN.
The doctor at the polyclinic, the one who diagnosed that I have depression. HE UNDERSTOOD ME BETTER. I almost cried because I knew he understands, and I don't want him to. Because he's a doctor. Not a psychiatrist. He referred me to a psychiatrist but I don't want to go because I don't have the money and I can't ask my parents because THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT I'M GOING THROUGH WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH.
I'm screwed up. Okay? I admit. I am a self-destructive dysfunctional person. I cannot think logically anymore. The doctor says depression does that. SCREW DEPRESSION
FROM NOW ON I AM NOT EFFING DEPRESSED. I LOVE MY LIFE. I LOVE MYSELF. I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND MY FAMILY.
I don't pick at flaws, caz flaws are OKAY. Everyone has flaws. I AM TOLERANT of flaws, I will ACCEPT YOU FLAWS AND ALL. AND I WILL STOP FREAKING CRYING LIKE A GODDAMNED BABY.
I WILL stick to my resolutions. I WILL stick to my principles, stick to my goals. Depression is retarded. I always thought that people going through depression are stupid caz, awww youre so sad awww your life suck awwww you might as well die AWWWW TOO BAD. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE HAVING IT WORSE THAN YOU OUT THERE SO SUCK IT UP AND STOP BEING A PANSY.
And then now I know why they are retarded caz depression is a mental retardation disorder. depression makes you stupid so now I'm a retard. be nice to me.
I'm not gonna be retarded anymore. I am going to be FINE.
My lecturer can go and die. "Oh it's quite serious you know. You should go get help. Bla bla bla. It's not too expensive."
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MONEY HUH? I am in DEBT. And I cannot let my parents KNOW. Why?
Because I am not throwing away what I have been working for MY ENTIRE LIFE just because I'm going through this retarded disorder.
Depressive disorder my ass.
STOP DEBARRING ME.
I turn up for lessons now. And I've started studying. I know I'm inconsistent but when I am truly working and trying hard, CUT ME SOME SLACK AND COOPERATE WILL YA? You are so not helping me by DEBARRING ME.
I understand my parents too well. Only too well. You don't think I've not tried reasoning with them? Like proper rational adults? You can't reason with them unless you want to turn their whole world upside down. And eventhough I hate hate hate so much what they are doing, I know they do it because they love me. And because of that, I can never truly hate them. And because of that.. I cannot bear to hurt them.
No matter how much you tell me it's for the better. No matter how much it's healthier for me, for them, for my life, and their life.
I cannot do anything, that would hurt them.
Last Christmas, I tested their limits. They hurt of course. It hurt me that they hurt. but they're better now. And I can't complain.
Now this issue, lies with me. With my principles. My moral values. It's just me. Me with the retarded brain.
I'm fine now. I'm improving. I've stopped dating. The guys I go out with are purely friends. And they are good friends. I'm sorry to say I'm not close to much girls in poly except for Cass Lee. Other girls in my clique include Sharon and Abigail. But I'm not as close to them. There are just some people that you feel alright to open up to and others, uncomfortable with.
I don't know. I just don't have that many girls around me. I have guys around me because guys are horny buggers. They like girls. So obviously, they don't mind hanging out with me. But after that, we came to a mutual agreement. That we will only be friends and that's it.
And that's okay. And they happen to be good friends.
So yes, I know alot of guys, because the guys approach me. If girls approached me, I'm equally nice and friendly. Like, in Ambassadors. There are tonnes of awesome girls. Ning and her fellow Year 1 gang. Joyce and Joyce both from Ambassadors and French. XiangWei and Hannah, my a.l. and L. Tsk, psh, I'm okay with practically all the girls in Ambassadors.
I'm okay with the girls in my course. I got to know a new girl, in my lab. She's repeating a module with Eugene. I talked to Eugene once in lab because he was my lab partner. We hit off hilariously. That was ages ago. And. Only recently have I started talking to her. Girls are just slower and less receptive of me. And it's normal BECAUSE THEY'RE GIRLS. No matter how open I am to girls, I am just less approachable to them.
(This is my theory. If you have another theory, please enlighten me, so I can LEARN)
And of course, the girls that understand me, I cherish them like crazy. I love them to bits. I love my friends to bits. Even though I know friends come and go. I can't help it? I just love all of you, even when I find you guys sometimes retarded or your flaws irks me, or you can be immature or childish. No matter what negative opinion I have of any of my friends (because your mind can't help but judge, it's whether you act on it), I love you all the same.
I know it's hard to believe. you might think I'm stupid this way, but that's just the way retarded me works.
I love my friends to bits no matter how crazy you guys drive me.
Like the way I love my parents, no matter how much I say I hate them, no matter how crazy they drive me too.
I just.. cherish relationships in my life. Suuuure I pretend to be some brave strong jaded girl, like I can just drop friends if I think you're not worthy to be considered a friend, but I actually take very long to get over it.
On the outside, I pretend to be over it, but I secretly think about it every night.
It took me a year and a half to get over Hidayah. And to be completely honest when she talks to me on msn it still hurts till now.
I'm so sorry, but ..
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry everyone.
I'm sorry for being so weird. I really wish I wasn't. I have my own ideals in my head.
Bear with me.
I've begun to mellow down. No clubbing since that time, no drinking, I still to this day am proud to say I don't smoke, no boys, I know my heart now, no rebelling against teachers, no rebelling against parents,
I'm fixing myself. One step at a time.
Bear with me.
I love you.
-15670 Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. -Mark Twain
I have been debarred from one of my modules for my poor attendance. And close to being debarred from the rest. I told them I can't wake up. I seriously can't. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SEVERITY OF MY INCAPABILITY OF WAKING UP?
I cannot wake up. Simple. My radio alarm would be loud enough to wake the entire family at 6 am, until they got up and started walking around disoriented before banging on my door to tell me to shut the damned thing, and I WOULD BE COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS.
I put my handphone, with the loudest and noisiest metal song I have, set with vibration and all, to wake me up EVENTHOUGH I have my loudass radio alarm already. But no, I sleep through like the dead, even with my phone ringing and buzzing on my face, with my mum banging on the door, with the radio alarm blaring away.
I. Cannot. Wake. Up.
Until my eyes decides to open.
WHICH part of that do you not understand?
I missed so many lessons because I sleep nonstop and only wake up at like 12 or 1. And stumble my way to school. And sometimes, school ends at 3 pm so why in the world would I go to school for 30 mins of lessons? (I take 1.5 hours to get to school)
I went to the first doctor- ugh i dont even feel like typing or blogging now iwannasleep andit's only 9.11pm tsk
UGH i have to do this or my blog will die.im so tired bodoh.
ANYWAY
I went with best fwen to a private doctor. He told me that I am an insomniac. And now my brain is entering a compensatory state. Which is why I suddenly sleep so much. And how I should NEVER sleep in the day while he is resetting my (insert scientific name) in my brain. He gave me some pills, anxiety pills, and told me to take one type every morning and one type every night.
AND IT COST ME 70 BUCKS. ARE YOU CRAZY I DONT HAVE 70 BUCKS. Now I owe best fwen 70 bucks because she helped me pay for it.
I WOULD SO SCREAM VULGARITIES RIGHT NOW IF NOT FOR MY NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS.
stupid expensive anxiety pills. I dont even see how I'm in a state of anxiety. Am I anxious, people? Huh? AM I? I'm so pissed.
So, I asked him for a letter to verify that I do have an existing sleeping disorder, good lord SURE I LIED ABOUT IT. NO REALLY, I actually have a good night's sleep everynight, I just don't come for classes because I love being a rebel and failing is my ultimate goal in life.
GIVE ME A BREAK GOOD LORD.
and the doctor refuses to write one because he says it's dangerous and can be used against me in the court of law. Like. okay. whatever.
He gave me 3 days MC and wrote Sleep Disorder in it. I was satisfied. My lecturer wasn't. "I need a letter of verification bla bla bla" OH WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEEEEEEEEEED GOD
Debarment is a stupid assed policy, IF I DONT WANNA COME TO SCHOOL AND IM STILL SMART ENOUGH TO PASS MY EXAMS THEN YOU SHOULD LEAVEEE MEEEE ALONEEEEE. I'm the one paying you money for my education right? SO WHY IS MY ATTENDANCE A BIG FAT ISSUE RAWR.
So, he tells me to go see a polyclinic, it's cheaper (but I generally have bad impression of GPs in polyclinics, because they are always so uncaring. meh) And okay so I went there, waited for HOURS, wasted more money.
And the doctor was surprisingly nice and creepy too. He stares at me and smile. Without saying anything. HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M A FREAK. And when I tell him stuff, he looks at me as if he could see deep into my soul and I was so uncomfortable around him.
It got so bad that when I was done talking and he's still staring at me, I went,"What???" And all he did was smiled and wrote a whole lot of shit into my file of which I couldn't decipher because his handwriting was so illegible(why is this typical of doctors?) it looked like he was writing in Tamil.
And he was so hesitant about asking me questions too. I think, he's like afraid of me. Like if he says the most dangerous words ," You. Are. Suffering. From. Depression." I'll turn into a nasty green hulk and eat him.
-.-
And so I told him abit of my family problems, because he's a doctor not a shrink (AND OMG I AM FORCED TO SEE A COUNSELLOR IN SCHOOL WTFWTFWTFTWF I SO TOTALLY OBJECT)
He even asked me if my lecturer was interested in me. WHAT THE FORK SPOON KNIFE? and I'm like "Ew? No?!" And he asked, "How old is your lecturer?" and i was like," I have no idea, he's old?" LAWL people LAWL.
He keeps going hmmm.. and looking at me, weirdly, like observing me. Sometimes, it's like the way best fwen looks at me when she thinks I'm acting like a nutcase.
OKAY FINE, BEST FWEN, YOU WIN. I'm suffering from depression WOOO I'm one of those emo morons, tsk.
And and and he said he would write a letter to my lecturer to tell him what he thinks, but he won't verify the sleeping disorder. LIKE OH MY GOD.
IF YOU AGREE WITH ME THAT I HAVE ISSUES SLEEPING AND WAKING UP WHY CANT YOU BLOODY WRITE THE DAMN LETTER PUT ME OUTTA MY MISERY SO I WONT GET SO IRRITATED ABOUT BEING DEBARRED MAKING MY LIFE WITH MY PARENTS ALL THE MORE HORRIBLE.
Here's what the nice but creepy doctor wrote. (Yes, I opened the envelope and read it eventhough it's for my lecturer. Bite me.)
"...she has symptoms of poor appetite, lethargy, somnolence (?) and anieclonia(?). she is most likely to have depressive disorder. We have offered her a referral to the psychiatrist but due to financial difficulties, she has declined it. It seems that her depression stems from problems @ home. When asked for more details, she declined to revealmore. Please feel free to let us know how else to help Khalisah."
(I tried my best to decipher his handwriting)
The doctor also tells me not to take those anxiety pills, because I don't look anxious to him. But, maybe that's because I already took one in the morning. And he was like,"Don't take la... This is for anxiety..."
And essentially, he never really did help me much solve my issues. GRREEAAATTT.
But he was actually very nice. So nice that he makes me wanna cry. And I almost cried again when I talked to him. To that he said,"What's that?" "What's what?" "Are those tears?" "NOOOOOoooo...?"
And he just smiled and stared and nodded his head and wrote more shit into my file.
>:(
I don't know how to get rid the crying in public syndrome. I cried at the brownie stall when Ryan was being an ass in his texts, and when James Morrison was playing on the speakers. Nobody saw me though, I ran to the toilet to do my make up.
Hehe I'm so pro.
I also cried in front of Sam and Raphael and Sean, embarrassing as hell. I can't stand it, I cried after reading this really sad article in NP tribune.
I cried when I told my lecturer about my issues with my family.
I almost cried in the bus and train. I almost cried when I feel so alone.
And everytime the urge to cry comes, I would feel tremendous shock and disgust.
BECAUSE I AM NOT A CRY IN PUBLIC PERSON ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew
you cannot believe how much I am so ugh-ing about the way I am now.
So I pretty much wasted alot of time, money and energy. And my life is crumbling like a cookie. wheeeee.
-15491 I join Facebook groups for their funky names. If you start a group with the previous sentence, I will sue you.
Khalisah Tan has officially gone idle on me a million bajillion times. Fell asleep hugging her laptop too. And now, I get jibberish from her. What's next, woman?
we used to leave the blue lights on and there was a beat ever since you have been gone it’s all caffeine-free and faux punk fatigues said it all before they try to kick it, their feet fall asleep yet no harm done no none of them want to fight me
combat baby come back baby fight off the lethargy don’t go quietly combat baby said you would never give up easy combat baby come back
get back in town I wanna paint it black I wanna get around easy living crowd so flat said it all before they try to kick it, their feet fall asleep I want to be wrong but No one here wants to fight me like you do
combat baby come back baby fight off the lethargy don’t go quietly combat baby said you were never gonna give up easy combat baby come back
I try to be so nice Compromise Who gets it good? Every mighty mild seventies child Every mighty mild seventies child Beats me
Do do doo do do doo do do doo doo do doo(x2)
Combat baby come back baby Combat baby come back Bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye baby Combat baby come back
how I miss your ranting do you miss my all time lows
It's a strange out of body feeling. Maybe I'll blog about what happened. Maybe I won't. All I know is that everything is fucking up around me, and I can't feel a thing. Except a pang of sadness. But nothing more.
I have been very bitchy to guys adding me on msn and they want to meet up and those typical shit. Lawl. Erm, oops? Here is one of the conversations to amuse you.
Session Start: Monday, 29 December, 2008
i hate you.(me@hotmail.com) breaking mortal bonds(the_idiot@hotmail.com) (emails have been changed to protect the privacy of parties involved)
(12:56 AM) breaking mortal: hey i was wondering
(12:56 AM) i hate you.: ?
(12:56 AM) breaking mortal: yea getting there if u were there! haha no la i was wondering if ud could meet up tomorrow well at least u won b meeting someone u hate
(12:59 AM) i hate you.: will be busy tmr
(12:59 AM) breaking mortal: ok how abt tuesday
(1:00 AM) i hate you.: dont think im comfortable with meeting up.
(1:00 AM) breaking mortal: r u sure u don seem to have thought this through ok this is final one time offer... how abt wednesday
(1:01 AM) i hate you.: dont have to. i'm instinctive. and no.
(1:01 AM) breaking mortal: whahaha well k im gonna give u a few days for ur instincts to recover........ all the best....
(1:02 AM) i hate you.: oh well.
(1:02 AM) breaking mortal: haha im logging off! u sure u don wanna change ur mind
(1:05 AM) i hate you.: dont see why should i
(1:05 AM) breaking mortal: well...... ahhhh ok fine ill give u ur few days to recover b y e k i know shy why* im just like this impossibly nice guy that u'll go home smiling and thinking... "man this world still has hope' other than that i cant say.... ma mum told me to be humble sorry
(1:18 AM) i hate you.: that's. the most retardedly cheesy desperate last min feeble attempt to save god knows what, i've ever heard
(1:18 AM) breaking mortal: what!!! ok u need more than i few days that is the most sincere light hearted good natured attempt to cure u that ur gonna get anyway i heard ip man is damn good if ma sis watched a kung fu film and loved it it has to be really good u feel like watching it? i got the show downloaded i cud send it to u
(1:22 AM) i hate you.: ok, i am going through shit in my life. and currently? i dont care what people think about me. because i already have my social circles who loves me. so i'll be honest here, and borderline bitchy. i'm a stranger, you met on the net. you dont even know me. and youre coming off as desperate, ans your pick line? needs lotsa work. i dont know what youre trying to do, and i honestly? dont really care. why should i? i just fell out with a boy* and i clearly have brains enough to know which personality i like. currently, you are not it.
*(content altered for personal reasons)
(1:22 AM) breaking mortal: im not desperate im attached too.....!!! well sort of just had a temp break up too!!! wow same
(1:23 AM) i hate you.: that's even more retarded
(1:23 AM) breaking mortal: u now while ma gf takes time to think about things
(1:23 AM) i hate you.: ok. so why so you wanna meet up with me? *do
(1:24 AM) breaking mortal: well i thought.. in the meantime, well y not just some gal out treat her to a movie and have dinner or something and make someone happy... and maself too maybe....
(1:25 AM) i hate you.: not. interested.
(1:25 AM) breaking mortal: take a girl out i meant okay its just an interesting one time meet.... if u change ur mind just sms me at ******** eh sorry its ******** i meant ******** ok la all are not ma numbers but seriously in sorry meant ur nicks have been telling a bad story now just tonight i really thought ud have laughed at least once throughout all this did expect to tick u off instead ok slamat tinggal..... and life's big..... er than anyone just curious u reli didn't laugh at all???? not even once? or smile?
(1:29 AM) i hate you.: nope.
(1:29 AM) breaking mortal: man i suck
(1:29 AM) i hate you.: amazing, isnt it?
(1:29 AM) breaking mortal: ya geez i need to improve my sense of humour u must b in a really bad mood
(1:30 AM) i hate you.: perhaps. actually no, i'm in an average mood.
(1:30 AM) breaking mortal: okay then.... hope to catch u in a better than average mood..... while ma supposed like partner does her thinking still hahaha chao
"Omg Alfred, the baby in Cassandra's house is soooooo cuteee!" I said to Alfred in an abrupt change of subject.
"Huh, what baby?"
"The baby they're babysitting. So adorableeee, but he is forever speaking to me in Chinese!"
>:(
"Because that's the only language he knows!!" exclaimed Cassandra.
"Yesss I know, but I don't understand Chinese! It's so difficult to talk to him."
"He knows English what! And you still understand abit of his Chinese."
"Just because you know a few words in English doesn't mean you know the languageeee."
"He knows so many words, please! He knows 'triangle'... 'square'... 'diamond'-"
"Then you want me to what? Speak to him like, 'Triangle square square diamond'? What kinda conversation is that?"
Alfred bursts into laughter. Laughing so hard, no sound was emitted. Cassandra laughs too. Lag reaction time was 2 seconds, I think she was in temporal shock. My lag reaction time was 5 seconds, because I didn't intend for it to be funny. I only found it funny after they started laughing uncontrollably.
"Hahahahahahaha I can't-" Alfred gasps for air,"I can't believe I heard that hahahahaha."
"Hahahaha shut upppp!"
"Hahahaha I am so blogging about this tonight hahahahaha!"
-14678 It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it. But it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
i dont know why i keep asking that maybe cos i want people to miss me
(1:15 AM)Alaine:
haha most times i dont care if people do, but it feels nice when they do and i didnt catch your previous messages
(1:16 AM) Dream:
awww i was just saying that im a straight forward person too
(1:16 AM) Dream:
and i dont care if i offend anyone when i tell them what kinda person they are but usually their assholes if not i wont say anything at all
(1:16 AM)Alaine:
oh
(1:18 AM)Alaine:
and if like my friend whines about her bf being this this this. i'd just say "dump him". and umm, basically i reject people more often than not :/ so yeah, i let things deflect off me, and i cant be bothered about most stuff, except for people who matter in my life
(1:18 AM) Dream:
oh
(1:19 AM) Dream:
i usually just try to ask about what happened lol i guess, i like to analyse things
(1:20 AM) Dream:
i like to care about people and all, i want to care for someone
(1:21 AM) Dream:
but i wish that person would do the same lol omg sorry, im very random just feeling emo tonight
(1:22 AM)Alaine:
haha it's alright
(1:22 AM)Alaine:
i mean i dont like putting up with shit i dont deserve so, i'd just... dump them?
(1:22 AM) Dream:
i dont deserve such a life
(1:23 AM) Dream:
but i cant do anything about it i tried but, its not in my contorl
(1:23 AM)Alaine:
i dont believe in that
(1:23 AM) Dream:
control*
(1:23 AM)Alaine:
haha
(1:23 AM) Dream:
like, it depends on the other people all i can do is just say
(1:24 AM)Alaine:
i believe that if i want something strongly enough, i damn well make it happen
(1:24 AM) Dream:
good that you can do that i can think it say it but lol it takes 2 hands to clap
(1:24 AM)Alaine:
you dont believe it
(1:24 AM) Dream:
well, most of the time
(1:25 AM)Alaine:
you have to believe it
(1:25 AM) Dream:
hmm i'll try but you gotta try and find yourself cos, it seems you dont know yourself
(1:25 AM)Alaine:
you dont try, you do that's what i do.
(1:25 AM) Dream:
i like to strike deals
(1:25 AM)Alaine:
hahaa i believe at 18 years alot *old
(1:25 AM) Dream:
well, i like to say try so i dont make any promises
(1:26 AM)Alaine:
it's a phase in life where everyone's searching for themselves so that's what i'm doing
(1:26 AM)Alaine:
and it's not a promise it's a goal never be half hearted
(1:26 AM) Dream:
i love you lol i mean i like the way you talk i dunno suddenly space out and said it LOL
(1:26 AM)Alaine:
haha
(1:27 AM) Dream:
you know you've just inspired me
(1:27 AM)Alaine:
i grow up learning to be independent. so i need strength in myself
(1:27 AM) Dream:
when you said, its a goal, never be half hearted i grew up like that too but i could never think about myself
(1:28 AM) Dream:
i always thought about others first and never myself and now, i feel so alone
(1:28 AM) Dream:
i feel like i want to be cared for like how i cared for others
(1:28 AM)Alaine:
hmm the way i see it
(1:28 AM)Alaine:
i have to be strong myself first, before i can be strong for others
(1:29 AM) Dream:
well
(1:29 AM)Alaine:
so if people shoot me, i'm unaffected. if someone shoots my friend, i bite theuir heads off xD
(1:29 AM) Dream:
i guess it was the opposite for me oh well then that is the same duh lo isnt everyone like that? i mean well
(1:30 AM) Dream:
i have so few friends i cant bear losing one and i just wish bad things happened to me not my friends but also, i just wish they'd never happen at all
(1:30 AM) Dream:
i dont know what i want!!! god...
(1:30 AM)Alaine:
i think things happen to everyone but it's how you see it that matters
(1:31 AM) Dream:
ive never met anyone like you
(1:31 AM)Alaine:
no?
(1:31 AM) Dream:
my friends always said i was charismatic but man... lol you've inspired me me like haha
(1:32 AM)Alaine:
hahaha i have? it's just the principles i develop, and like to stick to
(1:32 AM) Dream:
same always blame myself not others
(1:32 AM) Dream:
stupid principle eh
(1:33 AM) Dream:
but i think people always blame others when its their fault they like the blaming game i just like to say, its my fault and i dunno why
(1:33 AM) Dream:
im stupid
(1:33 AM)Alaine:
lol you shouldnt be like that the blame game shouldnt even be played
(1:33 AM) Dream:
am i like, too nice?
(1:34 AM)Alaine:
i like to think, that when something goes wrong, it's not a matter of whose fault, it's what you're gonna do to fix it?
(1:34 AM) Dream:
yea so i blame myself and i fix it
(1:34 AM)Alaine:
haha i dont blame myself i just fix it.
(1:34 AM) Dream:
people always start blaming each other well you can lol
(1:34 AM) Dream:
but people like to blame each other so i just take responsibilty
(1:35 AM)Alaine:
i dont i tell everyone to shut up, and tell them what to do to fix it
(1:35 AM)Alaine:
>.> i'm bossy when i want things done
(1:35 AM) Dream:
same here i used to be the coach of my gaming team
(1:35 AM) Dream:
when we used to play for singapore
(1:36 AM) Dream:
they said i always thought out of the box
(1:36 AM) Dream:
but i had a problem thinking in it
(1:36 AM)Alaine:
lmao no common sense? xD
(1:36 AM) Dream:
haha got abit
(1:36 AM) Dream:
but sometimes also dont have cos when we play the game we gotta think of new tactics everytime
(1:37 AM) Dream:
and try to figure out our enemy's playing style during the game one day we should meet up
(1:37 AM) Dream:
i need somemore self esteem talks from you LOL
(1:37 AM)Alaine:
hahaha
(1:38 AM)Alaine:
i used to have low self-esteem but i'm way better now xd
(1:38 AM) Dream:
i always give my friends these kinda talks even though i have low self esteem its like
(1:38 AM) Dream:
i can give advice to others, but never make use of it on myself
(1:38 AM)Alaine:
you dont follow what you preach? haha
(1:38 AM) Dream:
yea i think thats quite common isnt it?
(1:38 AM)Alaine:
yup, but if you do, it's more impactful isnt it?
(1:39 AM) Dream:
yea i know i'll try lol
(1:39 AM)Alaine:
you will
(1:40 AM) Dream:
(1:41 AM) Dream:
i like talking to you even more now haha
(1:41 AM) Dream:
well, you're the only person i talk to now anyways lol
(1:41 AM) Dream:
i usually just play games till you come online
(1:42 AM)Alaine:
haha i dont approach people on msn i just wait for ppl to talk to me >.>
(1:42 AM) Dream:
well i used to do that but lol people dont talk to me anymore
(1:42 AM) Dream:
people in NS usually get this i think unless they just dont need me nowadays
(1:43 AM)Alaine:
haha you shouldnt be bothered if people dont need you
(1:43 AM) Dream:
well i want people to want me my family doesnt want m
(1:43 AM) Dream:
me* my parents blame me for the divorce by the time im 21 i gotta move out of the house
(1:43 AM) Dream:
my lucky brother and sister sigh my life is screwed up
(1:44 AM) Dream:
but i guess things are getting better now that i've met you haha i dont know i feel a lil less, stressed and emo talking to you
(1:45 AM)Alaine:
haha that's good what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger
(1:45 AM) Dream:
thats my line!
(1:46 AM)Alaine:
and youve got lotsa things gunning for you that never really did kill you you shouldve been stronger than me by now
(1:46 AM) Dream:
well maybe i am just that i always get emo
(1:47 AM)Alaine:
haha i hatebeing emo i cant think clearly i like to be practical
(1:48 AM) Dream:
well but we all get emo once in awhile
(1:48 AM)Alaine:
haha yeah and when i do, i get frustrated with myself
(1:48 AM) Dream:
so do i but i always ask myself questions lol like, why me and like, why cant the world be a better place for everyone
(1:48 AM) Dream:
sometimes i scold god but then i say sorry again
(1:49 AM) Dream:
hehe im sure he knows im sorry
(1:50 AM) Dream:
my birthday's coming up
(1:50 AM)Alaine:
haha i ask different questions >.> i feel like all the nonsense i have to go through, are tests from god. and when i emo, and close to giving up, it's like failing the test or something >.> i dunno, im weird like that
(1:50 AM) Dream:
do you wanna snailmail me anything? hehe
(1:50 AM)Alaine:
haha i dont mind
(1:50 AM) Dream:
well, what you're saying is true i used to ask myself those questions lol
(1:51 AM) Dream:
but now i ask myself new questions i guess so like, do you want my address?
(1:51 AM) Dream:
or do you wanna meet up and pass me something yippeeeee lol presents!!!
(1:51 AM) Dream:
i forgot to tell you, i rarely get presents its always like, 50 bucks from my family members
(1:52 AM) Dream:
my friends just treat me to a movie or food but it doesnt mean u must give me anything you can even send an email! but i like snailmail!!!
(1:52 AM)Alaine:
hahaha
(1:52 AM) Dream:
i think im high
(1:52 AM)Alaine:
okok when's your birthday?
(1:52 AM) Dream:
6th of december
(1:54 AM)Alaine:
haha okay, address. i'll send you a really pretty card
(1:54 AM) Dream:
OOOOOOOOOooooooooo lol got your pen and paper? or do you want me to send you an sms?
(1:54 AM)Alaine:
haha you can sms me the addy
(1:54 AM) Dream:
haha
(1:55 AM) Dream:
tell me when you send it lol so i can check my mailbox everyday
(1:55 AM) Dream:
its gonna be my first letter from a friend! haha
(1:55 AM)Alaine:
haha okok
(1:56 AM) Dream:
okay, im high lol i need to go to bed got a psychiatric appointment tmr morning at 9am lol goodnight!!!
(1:56 AM)Alaine:
hahaha alright, i have to be up for schh too
(1:56 AM) Dream:
if you wake up before 8
(1:57 AM) Dream:
you could gimme a call lol
(1:57 AM) Dream:
okay nvm dont want you to think im using you just scared i never wake up lol goodnight talk to you tmr!!!
3 persons. 1 blog. Elle, Ryan, Jacob.
I do not have split personality.
Ry and Jacob are real people and to differentiate between our posts, do look at the labels below each post.
Labels:
Elle= The Queen
Jacob= The Anarchist
Ryan= The King
