You're a stupid lecturer!
OMG I hate studying for INAC.


Firstly, the questions that come out are stupid, redundant, unimportant yet given SUCH A HIGH WEIGHTAGE OF MARKS FART. FART FART FART.

Secondly, in your notes, you listed 4 and 5 errors for 2 different methods respectively. At the end of your notes, your revision question was;

List 6 errors involved in the preparation of volumetric solutions by each of these methods:
a)The Direct method
b)The serial dilution method

WTF YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT DIRECT METHOD. wtf is a direct method? The 2 methods previously mentioned in your notes is "Errors involved in preparing stock solution" and "Errors involved in dilution" (AND this is after I corrected your English)

I AM GOING TO ASSUME that "Errors involved in preparing stock solution" is the DIRECT FARTING METHOD you were talking about.


STILL, you want me to list 6 errors for EACH METHOD? WHEN YOU ONLY GAVE LESS THAN 6 WTF WTF WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? Are you retarded? Did someone stab you in the brain?
OMG HOW CAN YOU EARN SO MUCH MONEY AS A LECTURER WHEN YOU SUCK BALLS.


I am so pissed off studying.
Hopeless.
I HATE polytechnics. YOU HEAR ME? YES. Poly is full of SHITHEADS. Shoudve gone to a JC.


FML.



Angry,
Elle.

Labels: Angry Bombs, Bitch-mode, Elle, Hissy Fit, Insanity, School, The Queen

You guys are damn stupid.


Seriously.


You take 3 hours to produce work that I can produce in 10 mins.
YOU SUCK!
Hahahaha

I don't even care what you think about me now because,
you have got it in your stupid little heads that you have done ENOUGH!
Or maybe, done more than you should have!


PUHLEASE


Who is the one chasing for compilations?
Cass. Me.
Who is the one re-organising your work?
Cass. Me.
Who is the one who stay up the entire night with me to produce a DECENT presentation?
Cass
Who is the one telling you what to do?
Cass
Who is the one who teach you what to do?
Cass. Me.
Who is the one researching on your part, because your slides are the shit.
Cass. Me.
Who are the ones who even CARE what is going on in the stupid project?
US. CASS.ME. JUST US. 2 PERSONS TO DO A 5 PERSON WORK LOAD AND YOU MAKE IT HARDER FOR US.

WHY IS IT YOU GUYS ARE SO STUPID?!

Don't know how to think for yourself is it?


Stupid!
Stupid like siao!
I don't know what you are doing here!
Drop out of school please!

You say you spent your time researching.
BULLSHIT!
I research faster than you!
You must be an idiot, or I must be a genius!
Hahaha! you are at least 875433685585 times stupider than me!
How come I can find so much info, YOU CANNOT?

Useless brainless creatures who have the nerve to act self-righteous and give attitude! Eff you! Go and die! Still want to talk about how other people so lousy at project work, WHY DON'T YOU LOOK AT YORUSELVES.

The only ones that are producing is me and Cass. And not only we are not appreciated, it is not even acknowledged! You guys firmly DONT BELIEVE that we have been covering your asses! YOU BURDENS! you make life so difficult for us!
DOING OURSELVES WOULD BE 99999999 times simpler!

You brainless imbeciles!
Don't give me that attitude that you are so stressed oh poor you, you got so many things, awww
YOU THINK WHAT?
We're supposed to accommodate to you is it?

If you know you're busy, DO THE WORK WHEN YOURE FREE.
Don't give excuses!
Even if I MYSELF am a last minute person, I ACTUALLY DO IT LAST MINUTE. I DONT GO TO SLEEP, ASSHOLES. I'LL STAY UP THE ENTIRE NIGHT IF I HAVE TOO.

CB.

All talk no action. Act as if you all damn good. You ask me whether I'm free on this date this time, and I haven't even replied you yet, you sms me again that it's confirmed, meet here at this time.

CRAZY AH.

MY OPINION DONT MATTER LAH.

So I must come down only when you're free la?

YOU THINK WHAT?
I YOUR DOG IS IT?
I'M NOT YOUR DOG, CB.

Eff you all!
You lazy idiots!
You lazy unproductive idiots!

Spend 3 hours doing project of which 20 mins is doing the actual project while 2 hours 40 mins is spent on facebook, or facebook games, or chatting or whatever useless shit you idiots do!

It's either you guys are damn useless and lazy, that you put in so little effort, or you guys are really stupid such that you take 3 hours to produce a lump of SHIT.

Pick one!



I DON'T WANNA DO PROJECTS WITH YOU GUYS ANYMORE.
Effing idiots!
Next time, if got project,
split the work between the 3 of you.
Once you're done, me and Cass will salvage your shit.

You stupid burdens.

Labels: Hissy Fit

I'm now lying in bed feeling woozy with a wet towel on my forehead and neck in an attempt to bring down the fever I am currently and unfortunately stuck with. (Go away, flu bug! Go away!)

Ryan thinks I have Swine Flu- CHOY! No one in Singapore has Swine Flu. It takes forever to reach Singapore. Like movies and shows and awesome entertainment things etc etc.

I was helping Cass out for FYP, which is a total ***** really, someone kept changing-

(sorry, medication made me fall asleep so I'm continuing this post at 1.12pm 21 May)

-anyway, as I was saying.

Someone kept changing the RPM and the temperature of our incubator. I'm so sick of censoring myself. I mean, I actually stopped using vulgarities. To the extent that I'm actually shocked when people use the F word. But today, my throbbing brain says Fuck you all, I'm gonna use Fuck all I want because it gives me an immature satisfaction of using an ugly word to describe ugly things.


So as I was saying. I was helping Cass out for FYP. I felt sick in the morning and the feeling was just deteriorating. By INAC, I was completely off.

And LC was unhappy. Because I couldn't help much. Amazing isn't it? To think that I scolded LC last year for not contributing to the project. And now I'm stuck as his lab partner and he is the one now frustrated with me.

Good thing I don't keep grudges for long. As annoying as he may be, I'm actually capable of being normal around him. We talk when we see each other. And I even had lunch with him once! For an entireeee hourrr. zomg. amazing.

Here's the list of irritating things.


#1

LC refuses to cooperate. He gets experiment results, calculates and refuses to share his knowledge. Thankfully, I got my own brains despite the fever so I proceeded to do the questions that I know how to, and attempt to trade answers with him for questions I don't know how to do. Realising that I am actually attempting to contribute, he only shares answers with me but ignores our other lab partner.

Either he's racist, or, he thinks she's damn useless. So, Idk. Anyway, we completed the experiment, and my other lab partner clearly having her worksheet empty because she has no idea what's going on since LC is not sharing anything with her, I helped her anyway. I think LC isn't too happy with that but whatever.


#2

I went over to do FYP and my fever went up. Eventhough it was a relatively warm day, I wore my hoodie over my long sleeved top and still felt freezingly cold. I was shivering in the lab but strangely I could feel heat radiating from my face.

I helped Cass with FYP and regrettably slowly too, but seriously I really couldn't take it, if I had my way, I would've cabbed home already.

An hour later, my fever shot up. I felt so cold, I felt like I was in Antartica. Cass was obviously pissed with me, but I was too delirious to care. I did things slowly with extra effort not to spill things. Because my hands were unsteady. Cass was late for Heroes Seminar, so was I, but I decided I really really couldn't take it.


#3

Cass rushed off to the seminar leaving me to clean up. I really badly wanted to just leave an hour ago. By now, I felt like dying. I carried the four bottles down to the other lab to incubate and the students there kept staring at me as if I got leprosy.

FUCK YOU.

FUCK ALL OF YOU WHO CHANGED THE RPM AND TEMPERATURE. FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU STUPID JUNIORS WHO DONT KNOW SHIT.

I taped the broken handle as an improvisation. And burning thighs from squatting was equally painful as the muscle aches I keep having. My thigh would suddenly hurt, a short sharp pain. Then my calves. Or sometimes my back. Or arms. Tsk.


#4

After I cabbed home, mum scolded me for being sick. See. Sick also get scolded. Wahlao. She said I didn't take care of myself. What rubbish. Nvm. She's just concerned. She then took my temperature. It was 42 degrees celsius. I couldn't move at all in bed. I couldn't open my eyes. And all I remembered was seeing Mama freak out. She rushed to get wet towels and sponged me. One on my forehead. The other under my neck. She gave me panadol and let me sleep. By now it's 5 pm.


#6

I woke up at 9pm. Mum fed me porridge. She told me I had to bathe. To bring down the ridiculously high fever. I realised I couldn't walk so I had to lean on Mama. And at 18 years old. Mama had to bathe me like I'm a baby. how humiliating. I had to sit on a chair in the bathroom while I showered. And the water was so fecking cold. Mama helped me change and put me into bed.


#7

My fever wasn't 40 degress plus anymore but it didnt subside. it remained hovering between 38.9 to 39.9 . I was shivering the entire night. It was so so so cold. I remembered how I feel better when I shiver because it made me slightly warmer. But also hated shivering because any movements hurt my head excruciatingly so. Mama stayed up the entire night to sponge me.


#8

I woke up at 11am. I realised I was in bed since 5pm last night. I needed to see a doctor. I went to Sengkang Polyclinic and doctor gave me tonnes of medicine. He said I just got a very bad case of flu. Gave me a course of antibiotics that I must finish. I hate medicine. And medicine means you have to swallow. My sorethroat was so bad I didn't wanna talk. I didn't wanna sneeze or cough or retch because it was so fucking painful. Doctor gave me lozenges and a gargle for my throat.


#9

Mama received a call regarding a certain someone who is going through a divorce and something happened to that someone that makes me very very angry. I hate people. No wonder my ambition when I was a kid was to be a vet. Animals are so much less retarded sometimes.


#10

I texted Cass earlier in the day to remind her to submit the Genomic Report. I was reminded by LC that the dateline was that day. Cass texts late at night telling me she's out and asks me to submit it. I got online and checked and realised the dateline was at 5pm. I submitted it via email to the lecturer anyway. FML.


#11

For the life of me, I don't understand why but my fever shot up again. Doctor says if it's bacteria and not virus infected flu, the fever would shoot up and down. It would go down because of the Panadol then later go up again.


#12

I began developing this excruciating pain in my head. Everytime I get up from lying down, or stand up from sitting, the entire back of my head would burst into sudden sharp pain. I would stop and just stand there with my hands over my head. Mum and Dad would look worriedly at me. Then I continue walking slowly.


#13

After medication, I slept again till morning. Fever went down to 38. Fluctuate between 38 and 39 so I was occasionally feeling good and bad. Thankfully it's not 40 so in general I was feeling better. Sorethroat was not recovering. Headaches kept coming more often and more painful each time. I am on 6 hourly Panadol. 8 hourly amoxylin + lozenges + cough syrup. I refuse to take the runny nose medicine because I have NO RUNNY NOSE. stupid doctor. Make me pay for something I don't need.


#14

Cass once again is pissed at me for not going to school again. She has to do FYP alone again. Which initially, I was already feeling very bad about it. But everytime she texts, she makes me feel guilty. which I don't appreciate. for the life of me I don't understand how you can be angry at someone who didn't ask to be sick.
And I am genuinely sick right now.

I don't know which one is gonna explode now. my artery or my brains. my eyes exploded last week. tsk.

Labels: Angry Bombs, Bitch-mode, Elle, Hissy Fit, Mum, Questionable, School, The Queen

The more I read Alfred's blog post, the more irritated I get.

Not only is he completely blind to whatever I'm saying, he still thinks he's in the right?

I'm wrong? Is it? I'm wrong?

Okay, I'm horrendously evil. I extract myself from this stupid petty fight.


You want to be angry with me? Go ahead, I'm not gonna bother wasting my energy being angry at something so stupid.



Yes Alfred, you're the only one who failed two modules. Yes Alfred, you're the only one whose parents are being asses. Yes Alfred, you so poor thing, have to be so independent, support yourself and your school fees.

SO POOR THING. POOR YOU AWWWWW.


I mean, ***** probably feels so much better than you, she's supporting herself AND her family while her father was retrenched and struggling to help the family pay the bills.

Oh, **** feels awesome too, when her parents are currently going through a divorce.


And ***** is gonna be alright because his father has a mistress.
Wow, you have no idea how many people I know who have families breaking apart. Really. But it's personal so obviously, I'm not gonna start listing them.


How bout the countless others who lost a loved one? or loved ones?



You want pity is it? Huh Alfred? Is the only thing youre gonna do is resign to your bad luck and horrible life, and not do anything about it? Is your life that horrible that you can't see anything at all that you could possibly be happy about? Possibly appreciate?



Btw, I have never. Pangseh-ed anyone, for Hokes. The only one time I pangseh-ed you, I told you the reason why already. And everytime I go out with Hokes, it's because he booked me, ensuring that I have no prior plans with any one of you first. And if I need to emergency pangseh Hokes for any of you, I would. And he would definitely understand. But just that SHORT ONE WEEK. One week. 7 days. Just because I prioritize him first, does not mean I don't have an hour or 2 to spare for you at all. And after that one week, I am so bloody available?! So I don't see the issue of me ditching friends for boyfriend kinda shit coming up. Because eventhough I did say "I'm gonna spend every waking moment with Hokes." I would never abandon you when youre in a crisis. If you believed i meant that literally, then I shall say with gusto,

You are a fucking idiot! HAHA!

So JUST BECAUSE I GET EXCITED TO MEET HOKES and just because I don't jump around when I've plans with you guys, does not make me a hypocrite.



You know damn well that if you needed me, I'd be there for you. Don't be so wishy washy. Say things CLEARLY.

Need examples?

"Khalisah, I need to talk to you. Yes. Now."


"Khalisah are you free now? I need to talk to you. Can I call you? Or you call me?"


"Khalisah, I feel like shit. Get back to me asap."



If something is not alright DON'T ACT AS IF IT IS. IF YOU ACT AS IF IT IS then I will assume it's too personal to talk about it so I WONT ASK YOU IF YOURE ALRIGHT. I don't like to probe. It makes me feel like a kepo.

I'm not a psychic, and I may not know what's the right thing to do all the time. But I try my best to at least be there for you. If you won't tell me, how would I know?


Lastly, I don't know why I must justify myself. If I wanna pon lesson I pon lah. Why cannot? At least I did my assignment. At least I bothered. At least I have an attitude to want to do well. YOU don't. That's the difference between us. You just give up. Just like that. I have an issue with your attitude. Attitude.

And to think I forgot all about being angry at you for making me wait 2 hours for you. You're being kinda selfish, don't you think?



My advice.
Go read your own blog.
LISTEN TO YOURSELF.

And listen to how retarded you sound.

Wake up.

Labels: Bitch-mode, Elle, Hissy Fit, Of Hokums and Honeystars, School, The Queen

I am so so ****ing annoyed right now.


And I refuse to talk to Alfred until he gets over himself.



For God's sake, since I refuse to talk to you until you actually grow up, here's a not-so-little message on my humble blog.

GET OVER YOURSELF.


You were late. For school. By an hour. While I highly doubt it's possible that could be an hour late when you left the house early/on time. But let's give you the benefit of the doubt. Let's say you DID left the house EARLY, let's say the traffic was RIDICULOUSLY HORRIBLE, and the bus is UNBEARABLY SLOW, and you were, in all honesty, an hour late.

Isn't it completely idiotic, to reach school, and then decide to return home JUST BECAUSE you're an hour late and the lecturer might actually say something about it and you just don't wanna listen to it. You could have a productive 2 hour lesson out of the 3 hour prac lesson.

But just because Dr F is gonna say what, 2-3 lines at most? You're gonna miss the entire lesson. I'm sorry but I find it completely idiotic to waste your time like that.

STOP LETTING YOUR EMOTIONS RULE YOUR LIFE.


I once did, and look where it got me? I ****ed up my life. At least I actually make an effort to fix it. You don't even bother trying. I hate unambitious people.


I said the things I said to you to WAKE YOU UP. Stop thinking you're the most important person in the world. Stop making mountains out of molehills.

Let me quote your oh so victimized text message.


"Right. lik you are acting lik a 19? you just said e worst thing you can say to your fren.your fren who had e worst holiday yet stayed strong to cheer you up to tolerate with your hokes frenzy.your bloody fren who you think is childish and redundant."


What pisses me of is how you assume I think you're childish and redundant.

Do I think you're behaving childishly now?

Yes.


Do I think you're redundant?

No. I have never thought my friends redundant. Close or distant, all my friends played a role in my life to shape me into who I am today. Putting words into my mouth eh, dear friend?



YOU had the worst holiday? Really now. HAD YOU CONSULTED ME regarding Her I might actually get your head outta the clouds long enough for you to stop taking action on impulse. Now look, at the mess you got yourself into. GET OVER IT. BGR issues are small issues. Yes they strike close to the heart but STOP MAKING IT YOUR ENTIRE WORLD.


Regarding Hokes, I think you're being unfair to me. You know how much time I have left with Hokes. You know why I focus my time with him because you have more opportunities than him to meet me, see me, talk to me.


I say these things not to spitefully hurt you. YES, I'm pissed at you, but this is the brutal honest painful truth. Here I am trying to HELP YOU but how can I help you WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN BOTHER TRYING HELPING YOURSELF.

I see no effort made whatsoever.


You stayed strong to cheer me up and tolerate my hokes frenzy? You know it's just a SMALL THING, what makes you think I would forgo YOUR ISSUES just because I'm suddenly crazy over Hokes? You didn't even bother TRYING to tell me about your issues. You speak as if I rattle on and on about Hokes non-stop.


PUH-LEASE.


YOU HAD MANY OPPORTUNITIES TO SHARE IT WITH ME. IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO, I RESPECT YOUR ****ing DECISION SO DON'T ACT AS IF I WASN'T BEING YOUR FRIEND.

You could have asked me out ANY DAY, you didn't.
The only day I rejected you to go out with Hokes was because we only had a week left with each other. And also because I just lan-ed with you and Hokes the other day to try cheer you up.

You could have called me ANY TIME, you didn't.
Want me to check my call log?


You could have msn-ed me ANY TIME, I'm online almost every other night.
But when you did, you didn't even come close to telling me.

I rattle on and on about Hokes is it? That I don't even give you ANY OPPORTUNITY AT ALL TO OPEN UP TO ME? PLEASE LA, THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT HOKES REGARDLESS OF MY LOVE FOR HIM.


Stop acting victimized. GET your act together. Here I am trying to help you and you think I happily happily kick you deeper into the mud when you're down? WAKE UP, ALFRED. THERE ARE THINGS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR MOODS.



How dare you act self-righteous? As if you're the only one going through one of your lowest points in life.


You did not see me breakdown when Ryan gave me the ultimatum. You did not see me breakdown when my mother told me I was ruining her life, ruining her family as if I'm not part of the family.
You did not see me struggling to sleep.
You did not see me rejecting Lexapro.
You did not see me trying to get myself in the right state of mind.

Don't act as if you're so wonderful a friend that you've been there for me all along.


I understand depression. I've been there. It's addictive. It makes you feel good about your misery. It makes you feel alone, like no one understands you. It makes you come up with excuses and makes you BELIEVE in your own excuses. You've seen me there, done that. I've said depression makes you stupid.

SO don't let something stupid like depression ruin your life too.



Everytime you feel down, and upset or depressed about your life, just remember someone else out there has it worse.

Your problems are NOTHING, compared to some people out there. You CAN get over these problems so stop happily wallow in your misery and start doing something about it.


Sure, I skip school too. Sure, I sleep in lectures. But AT LEAST I have the attitude to WANT to accomplish something. I don't see that in you at all.
It annoys me.


I've yet to slap you for making me wait for 2 ****ing hours yesterday.





Get out of the abyss of self-pity. Help me help you. I'm not gonna bitch about you being irritating to other people and ignore you totally. I'm here if you want help. Just make an effort to reach out to it.

Labels: Bitch-mode, Elle, Hissy Fit, Morning Madness, School, The Queen

Okay, I've decided to move my personal issues away from this blog :) This blog shall be a happier one :)




-17425
I may create another blog if I can be bothered. ask me.

Labels: Elle, Emo Nemo, Hissy Fit, Insanity, Questionable, Random Mandoms, The Queen, Weird Shiz

The school sent to letters to inform my parents of my debarment.

Ah.

They flipped.



Sigh.


Dad cut off all my electricity. I have to bathe in cold water AGAIN. For a night, I slept without a fan nor aircon nor air ventilation. IT WAS HOT AS HELL ugh. Everything I've worked for has been undone. Parents filled with disappointment.

Dad says he's not gonna pay for my school fees again.

Sigh.

Is this what you want? Huh? All because I didn't suck up to you? Everyone tells me not to worry because you have a reputation of favouring girls over boys. They tell me you're a perverted old bastard, the boys resent your favouritism. But they tell me not to worry, caz I'm a girl! But I'm not like other girls, who ask you alot of questions, who try to get on your good side. I don't bother. I treat everyone the same. You don't like that do you? Is it because I don't reciprocate?

They tell me that usually the system would try as hard as possible not to debar me. They tell me that all I need to do is send an appeal and they'll let me continue. It's not a big deal anyway. And I have medical reason.

But no! you tell me you can't accept it because I went to the doctor after the debarment. Not before! If I went before, you would have accepted it. I told you I didn't know. I told you I didn't realise it was serious. I told you that depressive disorder is a prolonged disorder. The symptoms don't last a day or two, it takes several months to manifest. I told you that that is proof for all the absence before the debarment.

But you still said the same damn thing. You can't accept medical proof after the debarment was made. What a load of crock. What a load of bullshit.
See?
I told you I had issues at home, but no, because of your stupid resentment against me, you tore my life apart.

Dad stopped talking to me AGAIN. We were good. We were improving. We were talking and joking and LAUGHING again.

AND YOU HAD TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME?
THE ONE THING THAT I YEARN FOR, MY PARENTS' APPROVAL, THEIR AFFECTION.

I love joking and laughing and teasing them.
I love that things, though unresolved, are stabilizing.

BUT YOU JUST HAD TO DESTROY THAT.

You selfish son of a dog.
I hate you.

I hope you die, lonely and unloved in an old folks' home. I hope everyone forgets you. I hope you are miserable, and yearn love but will never ever in your pathetic life ever receive any love or display of affection what so ever.

I hate you.
I hate you for taking this away from me.
I hate you for being selfish.
I hate you for being unreasonable and biased.
I hate you for destroying my future.
I hate you for doing all of these to me.



Fortunately, I expected it. I worried like crazy. It was eating me inside out. Then I faced the music. I was miserable so miserable. But I got over it. I deserved it I guess, I saw it coming. I'm doing the best I can now.
Thanks to Cass and Hokes for being there for me. I think I'm lucky to have met Hokes through Cass. He's super nice really, trying to cheer me up with Cookie Monster on webcam, dancing at AC Campfire eventhough I totally forgot the dance I learnt = dancing FAIL. Haha. And for telling me the most kickass awesome bedtime story everrr I swear it was so entertaining, at 1 am when I was having trouble sleeping in the heat and lack of air ventilation and me being afraid to open the windows and doors because I'm scared of the dark but I braved myself and did it anyway.

Lmao, Cass, Jefri, Ryan, Hokes and I were in the story involving Royalty and kingdoms, and Jellyfishes armed with Corals with deadly Neurotoxins BAHAHAHAHAHA
Does this sound familiar? Hahahaha BIF project can go and dieee really.


But thanks, everyone, I'm happy now. I'm at ease. I'm no longer taking the pills and I'm not as stressed out. I'm relaxed! And I'm trying to work as hard as I can. I am taking time off to unwind with my friends, and I am ok :)

I am NO LONGER depressed, my symptoms went away.
So I'm okay :)

And I shall be happy :)
At least Mum's still talking to me, so yes, I shall be happy :)
I shall strive to improve things at home and outside.
And
I shall
be happy :)


Thank you :)


-15963
This is us - our lives are weaved into each other. Just like our interlocking fingers.
-Jacob Chew
:) See? I used your quote, Cobby!

Labels: Bitch-mode, Elle, Hissy Fit, Mum, Quote, School, The Queen

I am sick.
I am coughing until my abdominal muscles hurt.
Until my throat is sore, I think I taste blood.
My nose is constantly blocked, I can't breathe.
My voice is now manly, a stark contrast to my previously high pitched voice.
I have headaches, the ones you get when you have a fever.
I am weak.


And.

I am officially tired of being sick.


I am SICK and TIRED of the headaches.
I am sick and tired of the lethargy.

I WANT TO JUMP AROUND, I want to do things, I want to have bundles of energy, limitless amount of energy to spare.

I want to be able to focus on my studies, I want to...

I want so many things, but who says we get what we want all the time?




I saw the counsellor last week.
A bloody waste of time.
A
bloody
waste
of
time.


Do not PRETEND to understand me when I know you don't.
You don't know what I want.
How can you pretend you know what I want, when I don't know what I want exactly?
I want things to be okay, but what is okay?
All I know for sure is what I don't want.

I talked to the freaking counsellor for AN HOUR. And I thought, hey, a counsellor, might as well make use of it. I don't wanna be one of those shallow people. I want to be open minded. So yes, I poured my heart and soul to you. My deepest darkest secrets that some of my closest friends don't even know.

And after it all,
you
don't
even
understand me.


YOU SUCK SO BAD.
I AM NEVER GOING FOR COUNSELLING AGAIN.

The doctor at the polyclinic, the one who diagnosed that I have depression.
HE UNDERSTOOD ME BETTER.
I almost cried because I knew he understands, and I don't want him to. Because he's a doctor. Not a psychiatrist. He referred me to a psychiatrist but I don't want to go because I don't have the money and I can't ask my parents because THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT I'M GOING THROUGH WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH.

I'm screwed up. Okay? I admit.
I am a self-destructive dysfunctional person.
I cannot think logically anymore.
The doctor says depression does that.
SCREW DEPRESSION


FROM NOW ON I AM NOT EFFING DEPRESSED.
I LOVE MY LIFE.
I LOVE MYSELF.
I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND MY FAMILY.

I don't pick at flaws, caz flaws are OKAY.
Everyone has flaws. I AM TOLERANT of flaws, I will ACCEPT YOU FLAWS AND ALL.
AND I WILL STOP FREAKING CRYING LIKE A GODDAMNED BABY.



I WILL stick to my resolutions. I WILL stick to my principles, stick to my goals.
Depression is retarded.
I always thought that people going through depression are stupid caz, awww youre so sad awww your life suck awwww you might as well die AWWWW TOO BAD. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE HAVING IT WORSE THAN YOU OUT THERE SO SUCK IT UP AND STOP BEING A PANSY.

And then now
I know why
they are retarded
caz depression is a mental retardation disorder.
depression makes you stupid
so now
I'm a retard.
be nice to me.

I'm not gonna be retarded anymore.
I am going to be FINE.

My lecturer can go and die.
"Oh it's quite serious you know. You should go get help. Bla bla bla. It's not too expensive."

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MONEY HUH?
I am in DEBT.
And I cannot let my parents KNOW.
Why?


Because I am not throwing away what I have been working for MY ENTIRE LIFE just because I'm going through this retarded disorder.


Depressive disorder my ass.

STOP DEBARRING ME.



I turn up for lessons now.
And I've started studying.
I know I'm inconsistent but when I am truly working and trying hard, CUT ME SOME SLACK AND COOPERATE WILL YA?
You are so not helping me by DEBARRING ME.


I understand my parents too well.
Only too well.
You don't think I've not tried reasoning with them? Like proper rational adults?
You can't reason with them unless you want to turn their whole world upside down.
And eventhough I hate hate hate so much what they are doing, I know they do it because they love me.
And because of that, I can never truly hate them.
And because of that..
I cannot bear to hurt them.


No matter how much you tell me it's for the better.
No matter how much it's healthier for me, for them, for my life, and their life.

I cannot do anything, that would hurt them.


Last Christmas, I tested their limits.
They hurt of course. It hurt me that they hurt.
but they're better now.
And I can't complain.



Now this issue, lies with me. With my principles. My moral values.
It's just me. Me with the retarded brain.


I'm fine now.
I'm improving.
I've stopped dating.
The guys I go out with are purely friends. And they are good friends.
I'm sorry to say I'm not close to much girls in poly except for Cass Lee.
Other girls in my clique include Sharon and Abigail.
But I'm not as close to them.
There are just some people that you feel alright to open up to and others, uncomfortable with.

I don't know.
I just don't have that many girls around me.
I have guys around me because guys are horny buggers. They like girls. So obviously, they don't mind hanging out with me.
But after that, we came to a mutual agreement.
That we will only be friends and that's it.

And that's okay.
And they happen to be good friends.

So yes, I know alot of guys, because the guys approach me. If girls approached me, I'm equally nice and friendly.
Like, in Ambassadors.
There are tonnes of awesome girls.
Ning and her fellow Year 1 gang.
Joyce and Joyce both from Ambassadors and French.
XiangWei and Hannah, my a.l. and L.
Tsk, psh, I'm okay with practically all the girls in Ambassadors.

I'm okay with the girls in my course.
I got to know a new girl, in my lab.
She's repeating a module with Eugene.
I talked to Eugene once in lab because he was my lab partner.
We hit off hilariously.
That was ages ago.
And.
Only recently have I started talking to her.
Girls are just slower and less receptive of me.
And it's normal BECAUSE THEY'RE GIRLS.
No matter how open I am to girls, I am just less approachable to them.

(This is my theory. If you have another theory, please enlighten me, so I can LEARN)



And of course, the girls that understand me, I cherish them like crazy.
I love them to bits.
I love my friends to bits.
Even though I know friends come and go.
I can't help it?
I just love all of you, even when I find you guys sometimes retarded or your flaws irks me, or you can be immature or childish.
No matter what negative opinion I have of any of my friends (because your mind can't help but judge, it's whether you act on it), I love you all the same.

I know it's hard to believe.
you might think I'm stupid this way,
but that's just the way retarded me works.

I love my friends to bits
no matter how crazy you guys drive me.

Like the way I love my parents,
no matter how much I say I hate them,
no matter how crazy they drive me too.


I just.. cherish relationships in my life.
Suuuure I pretend to be some brave strong jaded girl, like I can just drop friends if I think you're not worthy to be considered a friend,
but
I actually take very long to get over it.


On the outside, I pretend to be over it,
but
I secretly think about it every night.


It took me a year and a half to get over Hidayah.
And
to be completely honest
when she talks to me on msn
it still hurts
till now.


I'm so sorry, but
..

I'm sorry.


I'm sorry everyone.


I'm sorry for being so weird.
I really wish I wasn't.
I have my own ideals in my head.

Bear with me.

I've begun to mellow down. No clubbing since that time, no drinking, I still to this day am proud to say I don't smoke, no boys, I know my heart now, no rebelling against teachers, no rebelling against parents,

I'm fixing myself.
One step at a time.


Bear with me.


I love you.




-15670
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
-Mark Twain

Labels: Chat Log, Elle, Emo Nemo, Hissy Fit, Mum, Questionable, Quote, School, The Queen

So great.

Lemme update yous.




I have been debarred from one of my modules for my poor attendance.
And close to being debarred from the rest.
I told them I can't wake up. I seriously can't.
DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SEVERITY OF MY INCAPABILITY OF WAKING UP?

I cannot wake up.
Simple.
My radio alarm would be loud enough to wake the entire family at 6 am, until they got up and started walking around disoriented before banging on my door to tell me to shut the damned thing, and I WOULD BE COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS.

I put my handphone, with the loudest and noisiest metal song I have, set with vibration and all, to wake me up EVENTHOUGH I have my loudass radio alarm already.
But no, I sleep through like the dead, even with my phone ringing and buzzing on my face, with my mum banging on the door, with the radio alarm blaring away.

I.
Cannot.
Wake.
Up.


Until my eyes decides to open.


WHICH part of that do you not understand?



I missed so many lessons because I sleep nonstop and only wake up at like 12 or 1. And stumble my way to school. And sometimes, school ends at 3 pm so why in the world would I go to school for 30 mins of lessons? (I take 1.5 hours to get to school)



I went to the first doctor-
ugh
i dont even feel like typing or blogging now
iwannasleep
andit's only 9.11pm
tsk



UGH i have to do this or my blog will die.im so tired bodoh.


ANYWAY

I went with best fwen to a private doctor. He told me that I am an insomniac.
And now my brain is entering a compensatory state. Which is why I suddenly sleep so much.
And how I should NEVER sleep in the day while he is resetting my (insert scientific name) in my brain. He gave me some pills, anxiety pills, and told me to take one type every morning and one type every night.


AND IT COST ME 70 BUCKS.
ARE YOU CRAZY I DONT HAVE 70 BUCKS.
Now I owe best fwen 70 bucks because she helped me pay for it.

I WOULD SO SCREAM VULGARITIES RIGHT NOW IF NOT FOR MY NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS.



stupid expensive anxiety pills.
I dont even see how I'm in a state of anxiety.
Am I anxious, people?
Huh?
AM I?
I'm so pissed.



So, I asked him for a letter to verify that I do have an existing sleeping disorder, good lord SURE I LIED ABOUT IT.
NO REALLY,
I actually have a good night's sleep everynight, I just don't come for classes because I love being a rebel and failing is my ultimate goal in life.

GIVE ME A BREAK GOOD LORD.

and the doctor refuses to write one because he says it's dangerous and can be used against me in the court of law.
Like.
okay.
whatever.


He gave me 3 days MC and wrote Sleep Disorder in it. I was satisfied.
My lecturer wasn't.
"I need a letter of verification bla bla bla"
OH WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEEEEEEEEEED GOD

Debarment is a stupid assed policy,
IF I DONT WANNA COME TO SCHOOL AND IM STILL SMART ENOUGH TO PASS MY EXAMS THEN YOU SHOULD LEAVEEE MEEEE ALONEEEEE.
I'm the one paying you money for my education right? SO WHY IS MY ATTENDANCE A BIG FAT ISSUE RAWR.


So, he tells me to go see a polyclinic, it's cheaper (but I generally have bad impression of GPs in polyclinics, because they are always so uncaring. meh)
And okay so I went there,
waited for HOURS,
wasted more money.


And the doctor was surprisingly nice and creepy too.
He stares at me and smile. Without saying anything.
HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M A FREAK.
And when I tell him stuff, he looks at me as if he could see deep into my soul and I was so uncomfortable around him.

It got so bad that when I was done talking and he's still staring at me, I went,"What???"
And all he did was smiled and wrote a whole lot of shit into my file of which I couldn't decipher because his handwriting was so illegible(why is this typical of doctors?) it looked like he was writing in Tamil.

And he was so hesitant about asking me questions too.
I think, he's like afraid of me.
Like if he says the most dangerous words ," You. Are. Suffering. From. Depression."
I'll turn into a nasty green hulk and eat him.

-.-


And so I told him abit of my family problems, because he's a doctor not a shrink (AND OMG I AM FORCED TO SEE A COUNSELLOR IN SCHOOL WTFWTFWTFTWF I SO TOTALLY OBJECT)

He even asked me if my lecturer was interested in me.
WHAT THE FORK SPOON KNIFE?
and I'm like "Ew? No?!"
And he asked, "How old is your lecturer?"
and i was like," I have no idea, he's old?"
LAWL people LAWL.

He keeps going hmmm..
and looking at me, weirdly, like observing me.
Sometimes, it's like the way best fwen looks at me when she thinks I'm acting like a nutcase.


OKAY FINE, BEST FWEN, YOU WIN.
I'm suffering from depression
WOOO I'm one of those emo morons, tsk.


And and and he said he would write a letter to my lecturer to tell him what he thinks, but he won't verify the sleeping disorder.
LIKE
OH MY GOD.


IF YOU AGREE WITH ME THAT I HAVE ISSUES SLEEPING AND WAKING UP WHY CANT YOU BLOODY WRITE THE DAMN LETTER PUT ME OUTTA MY MISERY SO I WONT GET SO IRRITATED ABOUT BEING DEBARRED MAKING MY LIFE WITH MY PARENTS ALL THE MORE HORRIBLE.


Here's what the nice but creepy doctor wrote.
(Yes, I opened the envelope and read it eventhough it's for my lecturer. Bite me.)


"...she has symptoms of poor appetite, lethargy, somnolence (?) and anieclonia(?). she is most likely to have depressive disorder. We have offered her a referral to the psychiatrist but due to financial difficulties, she has declined it. It seems that her depression stems from problems @ home. When asked for more details, she declined to revealmore. Please feel free to let us know how else to help Khalisah."

(I tried my best to decipher his handwriting)

The doctor also tells me not to take those anxiety pills, because I don't look anxious to him.
But, maybe that's because I already took one in the morning.
And he was like,"Don't take la... This is for anxiety..."

And essentially, he never really did help me much solve my issues.
GRREEAAATTT.


But he was actually very nice.
So nice that he makes me wanna cry.
And I almost cried again when I talked to him.
To that he said,"What's that?"
"What's what?"
"Are those tears?"
"NOOOOOoooo...?"

And he just smiled and stared and nodded his head and wrote more shit into my file.


>:(


I don't know how to get rid the crying in public syndrome.
I cried at the brownie stall when Ryan was being an ass in his texts, and when James Morrison was playing on the speakers.
Nobody saw me though, I ran to the toilet to do my make up.

Hehe I'm so pro.


I also cried in front of Sam and Raphael and Sean, embarrassing as hell. I can't stand it, I cried after reading this really sad article in NP tribune.

I cried when I told my lecturer about my issues with my family.

I almost cried in the bus and train.
I almost cried when I feel so alone.


And everytime the urge to cry comes, I would feel tremendous shock and disgust.


BECAUSE I AM NOT A CRY IN PUBLIC PERSON
ew
ew
ew
ew
ew
ew
ew
ew
ew



you cannot believe how much I am so ugh-ing about the way I am now.



So I pretty much wasted alot of time, money and energy.
And my life
is crumbling
like a cookie.
wheeeee.




-15491
I join Facebook groups for their funky names. If you start a group with the previous sentence, I will sue you.

Labels: Chat Log, Elle, Emo Nemo, Hissy Fit, Questionable, School, The Queen

It was the worst Christmas ever.
And the worst 2 weeks of my life.

Like honestly, I cannot think of a time that was worse than this.

But surprisingly.
I don't feel that depressed.
This song is kinda fitting with my mood.



Combat Baby - Metric

we used to leave the blue lights on and there was a beat
ever since you have been gone it’s all caffeine-free
and faux punk fatigues
said it all before
they try to kick it, their feet fall asleep
yet no harm done no
none of them want to fight me

combat baby come back baby
fight off the lethargy
don’t go quietly
combat baby
said you would never give up easy
combat baby come back

get back in town I wanna paint it black
I wanna get around
easy living crowd so flat
said it all before
they try to kick it, their feet fall asleep
I want to be wrong but
No one here wants to fight me like you do

combat baby come back baby
fight off the lethargy
don’t go quietly
combat baby
said you were never gonna give up easy
combat baby come back

I try to be so nice
Compromise
Who gets it good?
Every mighty mild seventies child
Every mighty mild seventies child
Beats me

Do do doo do do doo do do doo doo do doo(x2)

Combat baby come back baby
Combat baby come back
Bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye baby
Combat baby come back

how I miss your ranting
do you miss my all time lows




It's a strange out of body feeling. Maybe I'll blog about what happened. Maybe I won't. All I know is that everything is fucking up around me, and I can't feel a thing. Except a pang of sadness. But nothing more.



I have been very bitchy to guys adding me on msn and they want to meet up and those typical shit. Lawl. Erm, oops? Here is one of the conversations to amuse you.



Session Start: Monday, 29 December, 2008

i hate you. (me@hotmail.com)
breaking mortal bonds (the_idiot@hotmail.com)
(emails have been changed to protect the privacy of parties involved)

(12:56 AM) breaking mortal:
hey
i was wondering

(12:56 AM) i hate you.:
?

(12:56 AM) breaking mortal:
yea getting there
if u were there!
haha no la
i was wondering if ud could meet up tomorrow
well at least u won b meeting someone u hate

(12:59 AM) i hate you.:
will be busy tmr

(12:59 AM) breaking mortal:
ok how abt tuesday

(1:00 AM) i hate you.:
dont think im comfortable with meeting up.

(1:00 AM) breaking mortal:
r u sure
u don seem to have thought this through
ok this is final one time offer... how abt wednesday

(1:01 AM) i hate you.:
dont have to. i'm instinctive. and no.

(1:01 AM) breaking mortal:
whahaha
well k im gonna give u a few days for ur instincts to recover........
all the best....

(1:02 AM) i hate you.:
oh well.

(1:02 AM) breaking mortal:
haha
im logging off! u sure u don wanna change ur mind

(1:05 AM) i hate you.:
dont see why should i

(1:05 AM) breaking mortal:
well......
ahhhh
ok fine ill give u ur few days to recover
b
y
e
k i know shy
why*
im just like this
impossibly nice guy that u'll go home smiling and thinking... "man this world still has hope'
other than that i cant say.... ma mum told me to be humble
sorry

(1:18 AM) i hate you.:
that's. the most retardedly cheesy desperate last min feeble attempt to save god knows what, i've ever heard

(1:18 AM) breaking mortal:
what!!!
ok u need
more
than i few
days
that is the most sincere light hearted good natured attempt to cure u that ur gonna get
anyway i heard ip man is damn good
if ma sis watched a kung fu film and loved it
it has to be really good
u feel like watching it?
i got the show downloaded
i cud send it to u

(1:22 AM) i hate you.:
ok, i am going through shit in my life. and currently? i dont care what people think about me. because i already have my social circles who loves me. so i'll be honest here, and borderline bitchy. i'm a stranger, you met on the net. you dont even know me. and youre coming off as desperate, ans your pick line? needs lotsa work. i dont know what youre trying to do, and i honestly? dont really care. why should i? i just fell out with a boy* and i clearly have brains enough to know which personality i like. currently, you are not it.

*(content altered for personal reasons)

(1:22 AM) breaking mortal:
im not desperate
im attached too.....!!!
well sort of just had a temp break up too!!!
wow
same

(1:23 AM) i hate you.:
that's even more retarded

(1:23 AM) breaking mortal:
u now while ma gf takes time to think about things

(1:23 AM) i hate you.:
ok. so why so you wanna meet up with me?
*do

(1:24 AM) breaking mortal:
well i thought.. in the meantime, well y not just some gal out treat her to a movie and have dinner or something and make someone happy... and maself too maybe....

(1:25 AM) i hate you.:
not. interested.

(1:25 AM) breaking mortal:
take a girl out i meant
okay
its just an interesting one time meet.... if u change ur mind just sms me at ********
eh sorry its ********
i meant
********
ok la all are not ma numbers
but seriously
in sorry meant
ur nicks have been telling a bad story now just tonight
i really thought ud have laughed at least once throughout all this
did expect to tick u off instead
ok slamat tinggal..... and life's big.....
er than
anyone
just curious
u reli didn't laugh at all???? not even once?
or smile?

(1:29 AM) i hate you.:
nope.

(1:29 AM) breaking mortal:
man i suck

(1:29 AM) i hate you.:
amazing, isnt it?

(1:29 AM) breaking mortal:
ya
geez
i need to improve my sense of humour
u must b in a really bad mood

(1:30 AM) i hate you.:
perhaps. actually no, i'm in an average mood.

(1:30 AM) breaking mortal:
okay then.... hope to catch u in a better than average mood..... while ma supposed like partner does her thinking still
hahaha
chao

(1:31 AM) i hate you.:
bye.




So mean :S



-15037
No such thing as too much love.

Labels: Bitch-mode, Chat Log, Elle, Hissy Fit, Music, The Queen

I am so flustered and all over the place now, it's a wonder my face isn't fully covered in stress pimples.
Several small little volcanoes of mother effing pimples are saying HELLO WORLD! and pissing me off greatly.

6 days to the start of my common tests, people. That's less than a week. I AM SCREWED.


No, seriously, whatever happened to my resolutions?


Meh, time is zooming past in this semester and it's scaring me :( *whimpers* But nevertheless, I will not go down without a fight. YOU HEAR ME?! I WILL NOT GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT.

Rawr.


Once again, I apologize for my previous post.
I HATE RANTING, because it's totally not classy, but I can't help it D; It's a satisfying outlet.

I threaded my brows and as much as I tried to hide it from my parents, they are not blind, so finally, after what? 3? 4 days? They realised that I have sexy brows now, and they flipped, because no, Muslims ain't allowed to thread their brows, but I'm never one to follow the rules to begin with, am I?


Now, I don't have a problem with getting into trouble or being scolded etc. But it's what my mother says when she nags that really gets under my skin. It just emphasizes her stupidity and narrow-mindedness so much so that it makes me ashamed to be associated with her, let alone related.

I do not want to quote her in my blog here because I am embarrassed- yes people, it is that bad- embarrassed that she is my mother and the source of rubbish sprouted was from her mouth.

The title of this blog post pretty much gives you a gist of the nonsense she said.





Facebook is also evil. It is addictive and evil. Evil evil evil.
I have been facebooking, WHEN I WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO. I was supposed to be on hiatus. From blogging too! GAAAAAHHHHH epic fail :(

But I still think facebook pwns all others like what, Tagged? Multiply... FRIENDSTER which lags like nobody's business and MySpace (confuses the brain juice outta me). Whoever thinks otherwise, I will bite you. Actually, no not really.





I have been a little more productive today than the days from the start of this semester till yesterday, because I actually did my laundry and printed my notes. Couldn't really begin proper studying though. My inefficiency frustrates me. I am half done with cleaning my room, which makes my den so much more habitable, thankfully, and thus, a clean room = a more conducive place to accomplish things like work perhaps.

And now it's time to sleep, before my eye bags worsen and get bigger than my already tiny eyes or something.
Oh the shame.






-14480
To do that would mean, not merely to be defeated, but to acknowledge defeat-- and the difference between these two things is what keeps the world going.
-Upton Sinclair
The Jungle

Labels: Elle, Hissy Fit, Mum, Questionable, Religion, School, The Queen

I have a mother.
To push me away from Islam.



If you weren't my mother,
I'd hate you.



No, I don't "think highly of non-muslims" and try to "follow them".
I only think lowly of you and try to be the opposite.

Funny isn't it?




Stop looking down on others. There's nothing admirable in you to be proud of.






-14438
everything I am now, is your doing

Labels: Elle, Hissy Fit, Mum, Religion, The Queen