I remember when Hokes first introduced this vid to me. Every time anyone (including Hokes) says "You!" I'd scream "I WANNA TAKE YOU TO THE GAY BAAAAAR!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
instead of writing a few lines to comment on it online like everyone else, I HAVE TO WRITE AN 800 - 1000 WORD ESSAY AHHHH FUCK YOUUU I AM FEEELING SOOOOO FUCKING ANGSTYYYY (or maybe because the fever damaged my brain already so now I'm like siao) BUT FUCK YOU FEVERRRRRRRR AHHHH!!
I AM ALREADY SOOOO BUMMED OUTTTT I actually looked forward to the Heroes Seminar really, I thought it sounded interesting, BUT AH FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKK
ESSAY OMG WLE WLE WAH LAO EHHHHHH.
And my headache is getting worse and worse It's so painful OUCHHHHH OUCHHH DAMMIT OUCHHH It's a sharp pain like someone is taking a stick and poking my brain matter PAINFULL OKAY? STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT'S SO FUCKING PAINFUL STOPPPPP
I want to cry.
5 Things I'm gonna start cursing
#1
Genomic dateline. Fuck You! Why 5pm?! 5pm is a stupid time! And the percentage for the report and presentation is so high! I handed in late, plus rushy project HOW TO GET MY A LIKE THAT?! Fuck you!
#2
40 degree fever flu bug. Fuck you! You think I so free is it?! I skipped work and school because of you! DIE YOU MUTHA FECKING SON OF A GODDAYUM JACK. I'm gonna eat my medicine and feel sadistic satisfaction of you stupid bacteria dying in my body. And if my brain really is permanently damaged from your stupid 42 degree fever, FUCK YOU. FUUCK FUCK FUCK YOU.
#3
*****. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU. You stupid stupid assed lecturer go baack to whatever country you came from! You lazy PIG. I hope you get swine flu from your country and DIE. Fuck you! You made my life miserable last year, still wanna make it equally miserable this year?! YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE TIMETABLE OR NOT? HOW CAN FYP PARTNERS HAVE DIFFERENT FYP SLOTS YOU BODOH FAT SWINE. I HATE YOU. Still email I've been absent WHEN I HAVE BEEN ATTENDING CLASES you idiot chee bye babi buta! I HAVE BEEN IN CLASS YOU BODOH. I GOT MC FOR YESTERDAY SO SHUDDUP LA KANINA.
#4
My brain. Fuck you! Why are you getting stupider by the year?! I used to be so smart! Now look at my grades! Fuck you! So stupid already! If the 42 degree fever damaged you, I don't know how much more stupidity of myself I can take! Fuck you! Fuck Fuckkkkkk youuu.
#5
Randoms. (only to those who fit these descriptions. some fits only part of description) Stop judging me! WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THE AMOUNT OF EFFORT I PUT IN? My planner is like the awesomest thing on earth now! WHY DO YOU KEEP THINKING I AM LAZY. I AM NOT LAZY FUCK YOU. FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU. I DO MY WORK OKAY. I'm so sorry I'm stupid! Or forgetful! Or just not good enough! I'm sorry I'm not from China or anywhere else and mug and get straight As! I'M SORRY THAT THERE ARE THINGS ABOUT ME THAT ARE JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. THIS WEEKEND I AM GOING TO DO TWO THINGS. SPEND TIME WITH HOKES AND STUDY. Or do Fyp also if need be. But fuck you! I'm sick of knowing I'm disappointing you or whatever! DONT JUDGE ME. I DONT JUDGE YOU.
I cooked my brains.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I'm now lying in bed feeling woozy with a wet towel on my forehead and neck in an attempt to bring down the fever I am currently and unfortunately stuck with. (Go away, flu bug! Go away!)
Ryan thinks I have Swine Flu- CHOY! No one in Singapore has Swine Flu. It takes forever to reach Singapore. Like movies and shows and awesome entertainment things etc etc.
I was helping Cass out for FYP, which is a total ***** really, someone kept changing-
(sorry, medication made me fall asleep so I'm continuing this post at 1.12pm 21 May)
-anyway, as I was saying.
Someone kept changing the RPM and the temperature of our incubator. I'm so sick of censoring myself. I mean, I actually stopped using vulgarities. To the extent that I'm actually shocked when people use the F word. But today, my throbbing brain says Fuck you all, I'm gonna use Fuck all I want because it gives me an immature satisfaction of using an ugly word to describe ugly things.
So as I was saying. I was helping Cass out for FYP. I felt sick in the morning and the feeling was just deteriorating. By INAC, I was completely off.
And LC was unhappy. Because I couldn't help much. Amazing isn't it? To think that I scolded LC last year for not contributing to the project. And now I'm stuck as his lab partner and he is the one now frustrated with me.
Good thing I don't keep grudges for long. As annoying as he may be, I'm actually capable of being normal around him. We talk when we see each other. And I even had lunch with him once! For an entireeee hourrr. zomg. amazing.
Here's the list of irritating things.
#1
LC refuses to cooperate. He gets experiment results, calculates and refuses to share his knowledge. Thankfully, I got my own brains despite the fever so I proceeded to do the questions that I know how to, and attempt to trade answers with him for questions I don't know how to do. Realising that I am actually attempting to contribute, he only shares answers with me but ignores our other lab partner.
Either he's racist, or, he thinks she's damn useless. So, Idk. Anyway, we completed the experiment, and my other lab partner clearly having her worksheet empty because she has no idea what's going on since LC is not sharing anything with her, I helped her anyway. I think LC isn't too happy with that but whatever.
#2
I went over to do FYP and my fever went up. Eventhough it was a relatively warm day, I wore my hoodie over my long sleeved top and still felt freezingly cold. I was shivering in the lab but strangely I could feel heat radiating from my face.
I helped Cass with FYP and regrettably slowly too, but seriously I really couldn't take it, if I had my way, I would've cabbed home already.
An hour later, my fever shot up. I felt so cold, I felt like I was in Antartica. Cass was obviously pissed with me, but I was too delirious to care. I did things slowly with extra effort not to spill things. Because my hands were unsteady. Cass was late for Heroes Seminar, so was I, but I decided I really really couldn't take it.
#3
Cass rushed off to the seminar leaving me to clean up. I really badly wanted to just leave an hour ago. By now, I felt like dying. I carried the four bottles down to the other lab to incubate and the students there kept staring at me as if I got leprosy.
FUCK YOU.
FUCK ALL OF YOU WHO CHANGED THE RPM AND TEMPERATURE. FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU STUPID JUNIORS WHO DONT KNOW SHIT.
I taped the broken handle as an improvisation. And burning thighs from squatting was equally painful as the muscle aches I keep having. My thigh would suddenly hurt, a short sharp pain. Then my calves. Or sometimes my back. Or arms. Tsk.
#4
After I cabbed home, mum scolded me for being sick. See. Sick also get scolded. Wahlao. She said I didn't take care of myself. What rubbish. Nvm. She's just concerned. She then took my temperature. It was 42 degrees celsius. I couldn't move at all in bed. I couldn't open my eyes. And all I remembered was seeing Mama freak out. She rushed to get wet towels and sponged me. One on my forehead. The other under my neck. She gave me panadol and let me sleep. By now it's 5 pm.
#6
I woke up at 9pm. Mum fed me porridge. She told me I had to bathe. To bring down the ridiculously high fever. I realised I couldn't walk so I had to lean on Mama. And at 18 years old. Mama had to bathe me like I'm a baby. how humiliating. I had to sit on a chair in the bathroom while I showered. And the water was so fecking cold. Mama helped me change and put me into bed.
#7
My fever wasn't 40 degress plus anymore but it didnt subside. it remained hovering between 38.9 to 39.9 . I was shivering the entire night. It was so so so cold. I remembered how I feel better when I shiver because it made me slightly warmer. But also hated shivering because any movements hurt my head excruciatingly so. Mama stayed up the entire night to sponge me.
#8
I woke up at 11am. I realised I was in bed since 5pm last night. I needed to see a doctor. I went to Sengkang Polyclinic and doctor gave me tonnes of medicine. He said I just got a very bad case of flu. Gave me a course of antibiotics that I must finish. I hate medicine. And medicine means you have to swallow. My sorethroat was so bad I didn't wanna talk. I didn't wanna sneeze or cough or retch because it was so fucking painful. Doctor gave me lozenges and a gargle for my throat.
#9
Mama received a call regarding a certain someone who is going through a divorce and something happened to that someone that makes me very very angry. I hate people. No wonder my ambition when I was a kid was to be a vet. Animals are so much less retarded sometimes.
#10
I texted Cass earlier in the day to remind her to submit the Genomic Report. I was reminded by LC that the dateline was that day. Cass texts late at night telling me she's out and asks me to submit it. I got online and checked and realised the dateline was at 5pm. I submitted it via email to the lecturer anyway. FML.
#11
For the life of me, I don't understand why but my fever shot up again. Doctor says if it's bacteria and not virus infected flu, the fever would shoot up and down. It would go down because of the Panadol then later go up again.
#12
I began developing this excruciating pain in my head. Everytime I get up from lying down, or stand up from sitting, the entire back of my head would burst into sudden sharp pain. I would stop and just stand there with my hands over my head. Mum and Dad would look worriedly at me. Then I continue walking slowly.
#13
After medication, I slept again till morning. Fever went down to 38. Fluctuate between 38 and 39 so I was occasionally feeling good and bad. Thankfully it's not 40 so in general I was feeling better. Sorethroat was not recovering. Headaches kept coming more often and more painful each time. I am on 6 hourly Panadol. 8 hourly amoxylin + lozenges + cough syrup. I refuse to take the runny nose medicine because I have NO RUNNY NOSE. stupid doctor. Make me pay for something I don't need.
#14
Cass once again is pissed at me for not going to school again. She has to do FYP alone again. Which initially, I was already feeling very bad about it. But everytime she texts, she makes me feel guilty. which I don't appreciate. for the life of me I don't understand how you can be angry at someone who didn't ask to be sick. And I am genuinely sick right now.
I don't know which one is gonna explode now. my artery or my brains. my eyes exploded last week. tsk.
I know I haven't been updating. I'm sorry. I've been swamped with assignments after assignments and projects after projects. And FYP! It eats alot of my time and by the time I'm back home, all I want to do is... nothing. Common tests is in 2 weeks. I need to get As. I want to. Please.
I am ridiculously busy that I don't even have time for my FYP! Which is troubling because FYP is number one on my priority list. Unfortunately, the school is stupid to put FYP slots that aren't in sync with my project partner's slot. And our project requires us to work together. Tada! We had very little time for FYP to begin with. In addition, lab closes at 5pm everyday. Grrreaaatt.
I'm snuggled up in bed with hot milk tea, and I'm making an effort to blog despite my hectic schedule. I think blogging is therapeutic. My stress threshold is much higher when I empty my head of excessive musings onto the blog. It's like having a reflection session. Makes me think. And unthink.
Monday -9am to 11am classes. -12pm onwards, work @ Prudential. Tuesday -8am to 3pm classes. -3pm onwards, FYP. Wednesday -9am to 1pm, work @ Prudential -2pm to 5pm classes. Thursday -10am to 3pm classes. -3pm to 4pm, FYP -5.30pm to 7pm, giving tuition. Friday -10am to 5pm classes. Saturday -11am to 12.30pm, giving tuition. -1.30pm to 6pm, Hokes quality time. -8pm to 11pm, Sat night religious classes. Sunday -11am to 12.30pm, giving tuition. -12.30pm onwards stay at home. rest day/ family day.
So, as you can see. I'm really quite pathetic :( And look! Only 4.5 hrs with Hokes every week! Don't use him as an excuse as to why I'm not available kay?! I'm available in the eveninggsss! I think it's just as well Hokes is in the army. I'm so busy I'd just end up neglecting him. And I know most of you get to see your bf/gf everyday or every other day so shush! Let me whine a little!
:D
I'm not bummed out that I don't see Hokes everyday though. The first 2 weeks was tough, because before that it was the holidays, and I'm so used to meeting him almost everyday. Like 3-5 times per week? And God, 2.5 weeks really feels like forever! But now I get to see him every weekend, so I'm fine :) I've got 2 of his tshirts! So his scent is keeping me company everynight yayyy. Though I'm a little worried about how he's coping in field camp. 6 days in the jungle. Eating food rations. Sleeping on cold hard ground. Aiyo, I think he's gonna lose weight. (Surprisingly he didn't lose weight during the first 2 weeks! yay!) Awww, don't lose weeeeiightt leh hokes. :( Aiyo aiyo the poor dear :(
Tsk, I miss him. Lmao. Weekends are excitinggggg hehehehehehehehe!
Lmao.
Tomorrow would be my first day on the new job @ Prudential. It's kinda worrying. Because I'm currently the only one working on the project so the pressure is on me, and if I don't get at least 15 people to turn up for the conference then well... I'm screwed. What a thoroughly humiliating possibility. :( I'm so nervous lmao. Okay okay, relax kt. You can do itttt :)
I'm going to bed now :) So I can wake up bright an early for work tmr. Goodnight!
Because I've fallen so far away from the place where I started from.
Monday, May 4, 2009
I'm listening to Ingrid Michaelson and emo-ing. I know not why, but this feeling seems to always resurface at night when I'm alone. I used to be much too immersed in conversations with Ryan and Jacob and such, those msn regulars. And when slowly they left, I had Hokes to tell me bedtime stories or have deep intense 7 hr conversations about life, religion, philosophy and all random things.
Now, I feel so alone.
And it's nobody fault, really. I'm an independent girl. I'm just not an emotionally strong person, as Jacob pointed out. And usually, I'm okay being by myself. Just not at night. I really should try to get over this. I am a girl, who is seriously lacking faith.
Faith in everything really.
Religion. Love. People.
I'm just a walking cause of disappointment to everyone around me.
I disappointed my parents. Friends. Ryan. Jacob. And my gut tells me I'm gonna disappoint Hokes. Like everyone else. Eh. Actually I already have disappointed him. Hah. Disappointing people must be my niche.
I'm a tangled mess of contradictions. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Is that the popular quote? Correct me if I'm wrong. If that quote is true, then what's the point of me having good intentions all the time?
I don't know why, but everytime Hokes talks about religion to me a wave of anxiety engulfs me. I mean, it's good that he'd like to know more about the religion but, I'm deathly afraid. I don't want people to believe in something just because I do. I want them to believe in it because that's what they want. That's what they believe in. And has nothing to do with me.
I think, I'm secretly afraid, that Hokes will learn about the religion, understand it, but is unable to believe in it. I cannot. I just. Cannot. I cannot accept you if you don't share my beliefs.
I'm sorry. I choose religion over love. If one day, should I disappoint you too, let this at least be clear. Oh god, why am I crying? Haha, sheesh ever the emokid me.
Religion is like, principles. Strong strong principles which I use to govern and live my life by. Though time and time again I go against my own principles and shame myself, it is nevertheless a part woven into the fabrics of my existence and will never go away.
In case you haven't already realised, I don't particularly like myself. And I don't like that fact too, it means I have low self-esteem. But I don't. And I try and try to be the best I possibly can, but I keep letting myself and everyone down. Okay, I'll try harder.
I shall start with prayers. I shall work towards not missing prayers. I shall begin praying again. I hope God can help guide me back. Back to the place where I started from. So I can begin everything anew.
After prayers, I shall rectify my diet. Then, perhaps, one day, I can love myself enough to rectify my sense of dressing.
I want to be a good friend. But I don't really know how. I don't know the right things to do at the right times. But I do know that I want to help yous. Just tell me how.
It's funny, how I'm so old already, yet I'm still trying to find myself. Find who I really want to be. And to think I tell people to just be yourself. I should practice what I preach. Unfortunately, easier said than done.
Recently, I rediscovered why I love my religion. What a joy! I feel happy. And sad at the same time. And yet that glimmer of hope inside my cold black heart bathes me with such warmth it makes me shudder. It must be the way Uztaz Zulkeflee puts things into perspective. He has a way about him. He's probably the one who moved countless converts' hearts. Like my Dad. Dad said he learnt from this man before he even converted. And Dad also said that Uztaz Zulkeflee understands the problems of the converts more than the converts could themselves.
I really like him. He's a dear old man. His voice is strained, because he recovered from a massive stroke two years ago. He moves slowly, but he has such a cheerful face. Constantly smiling. And such kind kind eyes. He makes you feel so comfortable about him.
Here are his teachings that I found very enlightening.
The 7 Significant Verses of The Quran
1)Surat At-Tawbah 9:15
Say:"Nothing will happen to us except what Allah has decreed for us; He is our protector" and on Allah let the Believers put their trust.
We must believe that both good and bad things come from God. And trust in God whatever he throws you. So if God has decreed that you won't die yet, then no matter what negative things happen, you still won't die yet. Only God can control such matters.
Good things and bad things are both tests. While bad things are testing for your patience and faith in God, good things tests for your gratitude (syukur)
Conditions of Syukur 1) acknowledge who gives you the favour : God 2) value God's favour to mankind (even the small things) 3) use whatever favour God has given you in a way that pleases him
My personal musings: I think it's wonderful. It teaches you to be appreciative about everything. Uztaz Zulkeflee gave an example that relates to his life. When he was down with stroke and was bedridden, people came to him and pitied him. But he laughed and said, "No! It is you whom I pity! For while God tests me on my patience, God is testing you on your gratitude (syukur)" And surely, being grateful is much harder no? :) So I really should stop wallowing in emo nemoness :)
I'm afraid I'll have to continue the teachings some other time because it's 1 am and I need sleep caz class starts early tmr. Haha, and I've stopped being emo. I think it's a combination of re-reading the teachings of the Uztaz and Ryan talking to me :)
haha she's stealing my pretty letter writing pads and writing letters randomly to random people and watching awesome songs on youtube by Andy McKee and Antoine Dufour and I'm letting her listen to PaperBag's songs and she's waiting for Sleeping Beauty to be done streaming so we can watch it (YES, we are in Disney Mood) I have OneRepublic on iTunes and we're singing along to it while she's on her phone with her BF, while mine is in the JUNGLEEEEE this very moment, I hope he's okay :/
Spent the last 3 days with Hokes, yay! :) I have a huge reserve of happy juice to last me till next week :) So I think I'll be fine :) :)
Okay. I think I lost my mood to blog. Heh. I shall blog about philosophical musings and religion in my next post. :) I like Uztaz Zulkeflee. :) He's the guy whom my Dad learnt from before he converted. I shall blog about him nexttt.
3 persons. 1 blog. Elle, Ryan, Jacob.
I do not have split personality.
Ry and Jacob are real people and to differentiate between our posts, do look at the labels below each post.
Labels:
Elle= The Queen
Jacob= The Anarchist
Ryan= The King
