helloooo people, if I can live with your ideals, get over mineee. And stop misinterpreting!

Come on, I am not turning into a robot. If ever, I'll most likely be more empathetic! Stop being the "mature" people thinking awww this girl is trying to be different when she's actually the same. Really, lame mentality.

Like I've replied an angry person's email, I KNOW I'm not the only one in this world facing shit OH MY GOD PLEASE GET OVER YOURSELVES THAT YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME. Goodness? This is life, at some point of time, at some aspects in life, SOMEONE will have it worse than you at something. So I cannot be sad over my predicament? It's not as if I'm not getting over it? I am! Why are you guys so clogged up in your brains that you must stick to your ideals and your principles only? Be open minded, accept that people are different, people think differently. If I can accept you for who you are, then stop being a bitch to me?


For all the harping about "look at yourself" don't look at others, the entire point of the post is that I HAVE. I want to STOP JUDGING (don't you read? I really do question your intelligence now) I want to be a GOOD PERSON and it's okay that there are people with flaws! I do my best to be a better person everyday, and that is what counts. I appreciate things that are done for me and if I don't or forget to, and you find it offensive, TELL ME LIKE HOW I TELL YOU. And if you don't find an issue with it, then be happy that you made me happy! Stop playing these stupid childish games!


Like I've said countless times, I judge people. you judge people. EVERYONE will form impressions in their minds about people but ACTION IS KEY. I want to STOP acting on my judgments and I hope that the world would see the same. That though you judge, you are open-minded enough to give the person the benefit of the doubt, that they might change or actually have an amazing trait lurking beneath the nonsense that you've not seen.


I will not be friends with ANYONE. Understand? No 50% no 60% and all that bs. Goodness me. I respond to your actions(good or bad, if you are a bad person, I AM SURE I WILL RESPOND POSITIVELY TO YOUR 1% GOOD ACTION I am pretty sure you're human not satan), and I WILL BE a friend, in terms of action. I will not stand by and watch you fall or deliberately ruin your life or be heartless or be a robot. I am NOT pushing people away you retards! PEOPLE LIKE YOU make me want to push people away but I DONT. It is precisely that humans are all greys and not black and white, that's why I am a friend to everyone. Whether you take drugs, or stole a car, or bitch about people, or cheat on your lover, or are selfish, or have sex with anyone, even animals, I. Don't. Care.

What I don't want is to call you MY FRIEND. Because people like you, have to harp on it like crraaaaazzzaaayyy. I would have a relationship with you YES, it's impossible to not have a relationship with someone unless you've never met the person. Just the KIND of relationship, it would not be friendship. It would be purely based on actions on the spot.


And with regards to my exclusive few, I love you and I don't give a shit what you think about me even though I'm feeling abit of retardation from all of you. I DONT CARE. I dont care if you don't love me anymore, I don't care if you do. I love you because I love you and I do things because I love you FULLSTOP.

I don't expect anything from you SO DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING FROM MEEEEEE BETCHEZ. I am already being the best person I possibly can, yes I make mistakes and I accept my mistakes and rectify them if I knew them and knew how.

I would not be making up theories if I don't abide to them myself. SERIOUSLY, I'm not an idiot. And I don't IMPOSEEEEE my theories on you. Okay? So please get over yourselves and your ideals because it's starting to look like you think you're the better person and your theories are the only right theories and I can't have mine.

Of course my theories can have holes poked if I don't explain it well(and theories are theories not facts), I can't, it's hard for me to express myself in words, I don't have that gift, but why don't you open up your mind a little and try to see it from how I'm seeing it, because I DO KNOW HOW YOU SEE IT and I understand WHY you see it that way and I ACCEPT IT that you want to believe in it.


Like flipping religion, I can see why Christians love Jesus to death and Buddhists believe in karma and bla bla bla. It's not that I don't read up about it, I know! You've told me all about your flipping religion! And I see where you're coming from and I accept it, I just choose not to believe in it!


I don't want nouns to express how I feel about you, unless it's something like family (DNA will kick your ass trying to deny it)or boyfriend or girlfriend (THERE IS SOMETHING WRONGGG with your r/s if you don't want a status because these are steps before marriage, BEFORE FAMILY, the commitment needs to be there)

But friends? The commitment DOES NOT need to be there. There is no ties. You're speaking up for me Jacob, like the rest of you. There is no ties. ONLY LOVE. Friends does not equal love! LOVE IS LOVEEE. Because I have you in my personal regard, because I LOVE YOU, I WILL be there for you I WILL have a commitment to YOU. okay? And it is not easy to love someone so NO I DO NOT LOVE EVERYONE. (And if you don't love your family and boyfriend or girlfriend then it sucks to be you)

So NOOOOO god I just don't believe in friends, get over it, if I don't love you, TOO BADDD I am sure someone else does (You still have family you whiny ass) and if I do, WOW GOOD FOR YOU. one more person in your life loves you, don't you feel loveddddd?


Basically I will be the same person my actions are the same, IF you had not known and read this post, YOU WOULD FIND NO SIGNIFICANT CHANGE IN ME, the only thing that has changed is my PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE. so why are you finding an ISSUEEEEE with me?
I am THIS sort of person, a person who analyses things and I do it because I find it important, you have your own set of things important to you and I have mind.
I find it important because it defines my purpose and how I feel and perceive about life, the journey that I AM TAKINGGG NOT YOUUUU LALALA HELLO HELLO WAKE UP. STOP SHAKING ME CAZ I AM AWAKE.


Look at the gazillion people in my life whom I call friends. Really, wont you find it more offensive that I consider an insignificant person friends and you friends when youre more significant to me?
So what I do, I do, because I care in some way but to hell with friends. I do it not because "it's what friends should do." screw that okay? Everything I do MEANS something, and in your point of view you would call it "friendship"

I don't. Okay? I call it love. Personal regard. Whatever. Different people, different degree of regard. GET OVER ITTTT.

Stop trying to show me that I am wrong and yet tell me at the same time "there is no right and wrong" YOU look who's doing the judging. hypocritical bunch of shits leh all of you! wahlao! Must bombard me for what I believe in? I am so disappointed in all of you! haha and I don't really care if you're disappointed in me or son't want to be friends with me. like everything else in life, I can live with it and I can move on. Just because I can, does not mean I am a robot and you are such wonderful empathetic human beings. Fuck off.

NOW, I want to talk about my day hahahaha. Hmm I watched Detroit Metal City, the first few episodes of the anime and OMG SO FUNNAYYY HAHAHAHA-

eh wait, I forget to tell Jacob I love him too eventhough he always think he's better than me and everyone and drive me crazy. See? I told you. I love means I love forever AIYO LEAVE ME ALONE LAH. No "friends" to love me also never mind. My family does and hopefully a future husband to have a family with. TADA! Happiness. Hehehehahaha.-

OKAY continue. Anyway remember Singapore Idol? the third season (latest one) there was this dude in long blonde hair and costume and face painting I JUST WATCHED DETROIT METAL CITY SO NOW THEN I REALISED WHO KRAUSER IS HAHAHAHAHA

You see, in Detroit Metal City, Krauser is this crazy metal screamo guy, lead singer of a screamo metal band. BUT this guy accidentally joined that band, he thought it would be a lovey dovey meaningful soft melodious tunes kinda band. BECAUSE HE IS ACTUALLY that kinda of person! But the sad thing is that he is good at being metal screamo and his love songs SUCKSSSS. Hahahaha! And everytime the anime shows him trying to sing love songs he looks soooo retarded and gay and mushy BAHAHAHA

So, my point is, Krauser on SG Idol I SALUTE YOUUUU. The irony is BEAUTIFULLL how you dress like that and purposely sing a love song hahahaha THE JUDGES ARE STUPID. Your voice isn't that bad and you should make it through and they should appreciate the irony. But sadly, eventhough the judges are immersed in the MEDIA industry, they don't know the existence of KRAUSER, shame on you! Aiyah, I think the judges are retarded to begin with so whatever.

(Hate Dick Lee. He's a dick hehehehehe and Florence is really a Lian. Don't know anything but act like know everything. Ken is arrogant and think he so damn good. BUT I respect that occasionally his comments are professional and made sense. Other than that, I think all three judges are RUDE and purposely try to mock and diss people because they think they are so funny and give entertainment value. Disgusting. Even American Idol isn't mean please.Singaporeans really over do things.)

And then I recently I also watched Survivor (just the last episode because I cannot be bothered with TV) AND OMG ASS TO THE MAX RUSSEL SHOULD HAVE WON. I was so upset, Russel was so upset UGHHH people are just sore losers and sometimes need to OPEN UP THEIR MINDS and see that the bad people have good in them and that eventhough russel betrayed everyone like siao and lie and deceive and manipulate and use people? HE DID IT FOR THE GAME. It is how you play the game! And they should stop taking it personally and give him the win because HE deserves it! Jaison is stupid because he said in real like "you would hate the Russel and you wouldnt want to let him win" OMG YOU CHILDISH BRAT IN REAL LIFE, YOUR PRIZE IS DEATH.
Idiot.

You die, you go to heaven or hell. So the point of the game of Life, is to do good things, live a purposeful life and ENJOY THE JOURNEY. In survivor, SCREW THE JOURNEY ONLY 1 MONTH WHAT, and you get a million dollars! Doesn't mean that Russel is a bad person! He just know what to do in the game! Wahlao! hate sore losers and people who take it personally. I AM SO UPSET FOR RUSSELLLLLL :( Russel I am officially your number 1 fan because I APPRECIATE THAT HOW YOU PLAYED THE GAME WAS AN ART MAN. WOOOAAHHH
hahahahahaha

shiz man my post is very long and I have chores to do but I really don't feel like doing them. I feel like eating. RAWR. I really feel like eating.SIGHZ it seems I am gaining weight even thought I cut down on my food.WTHHHH. And I have been exercising (though not as often as I want to)sigghhhh not enough! Must do more! RAWR.

Hokes is my favouritest boy in the world. That's why he's my boyfriend. Not the other way around. Yay! It seems I still cant wear that halter dress. Sad. I want to make custard tarts. Without growing fat. maybe give some to my aunts, cousins and hokes' family too. Hmm. I would give Jacob too. But he would never meet me. And Ryan but he's overseas. And other people but they are angry with me. TOO BAD. no yummy tarts for you! until you want to talk to me. because actually i am ok. HAHA. contradictory. Im ok if youre ok. OK! my mama is being annoying but I love my papa like crazy suddenly caz I thought he almost died. Sigh, it's so cute when your parents show you they love you. SEE. NO MATTER WHAT MUST RESPECT YOUR PARENTS. even if they are wrong and retarded. omg I really feel like eating tarts. See? this is how my train of thought travels.

I am weird.

Labels: Angry Bombs, Brother, Elle, fweedom, HELLO, Insanity, Jacob, Mum, Of Hokums and Honeystars, Questionable, Religion, ryan pwns asses, The Anarchist, The King, The Queen, Weird Shiz

Holy turds I haven't been updating my blog in ages. Haven't talked to Ryan and Jacob in ages too. Awww the spaces between us are wider! Even I've been neglecting Hokes (sorry dear) just get caught up in things and well it's just taxing to finish everything in the weekdays just so I can have the weekends untouched and for Hokes and only Hokes. I really do love spending the entire day uninterrupted with him :)

So really, I would prefer anything else to just be slot on a weekday tyvm :)

Time flies and gosh it's 2 weeks to common tests. SHITS. Serious lack of time now. It seems I cannot decide whether I want to be alone in school or not. People (or person in fact) have been sticking to me in lectures and leeching off my reputation and I DON'T LIKE. I hate being used but then again, work needs to be done and I need help, so I cannot be a loner as much as I would like to be.

WAI DONT PEOPLE UNDERSTAND?


So okay, everyone else is being cooperative (goooood gooooood very gooooooood!!!) they established a nice "hi-bye" relationship with me, which I like caz I don't really wanna "talk and have fun" with you in lectures. I actually wanna listen and be in my own little world. SO IT'S GOOD! Thank you rest-of-the-world! But this particular person keeps sms-ing me whether I'll be going for lectures and basically stalking me because he wants to sit with me in lectures so he won't look like a loser. I RESENT THAT HELLO. Firstly, your reputation is bad. Nobody likes you and you sticking with me? It makes people think that the only friends I have, is you. And you like that because my reputation is well, I'm not popular, but people certainly know me. so... NO, you aint rolling with me boy.

But then again, I don't mind actually, I mean I'll be your friend, if you are a person worth being friends with, I would. But since you are just using my reputation? I'm gonna play your game. AINT GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN BITCH. So, from being indifferent to my reputation, since you do care, I'm gonna care and make sure you don't get what you want (and destroy my rep at the same time)

Plus, you are disgusting. Stop staring at my boobs! SPEAK TO THE FACE! the fat face but face nonetheless!

Besides all of that, this particular person is being less repulsive (if that is even possible) this year, he's been reading psychology/self-help books AND NOT UNDERSTANDING IT because his English sucks but have been discussing it with me (and I like this kinda stuff) so I'll explain them to him. I. Am. Such. A. Nice. Person.
Lmao, and no I'm not being conceited. I'm trying to make myself believe in that so that I'll actually turn out to be a nice person! Get it? Hahhaahaha.


My mum's friends are so annoying and wonderful and annoying AND NOT FAIR they keep buying her stuff, like bags and clothes and it's so wtf-ing. I do not understand the concept of it all(?????) but well this is how the dice rolled for her so okay. One of her friends wanted to give her a Guess bag (FOR GOD'S SAKE GIVE MEEEE) and told her if she didn't like it, she can give it to me! (PLEASE HATE IT PLEASEEE) hahahaha I guess God is compensating her for having such a horrid daughter. Sorry mum. But it is afterall my life. But hey! I'm doing my best to make you happy!

Mum has like what? 5 bags given as gifts from her friends? and countless clothes and scarves. RAWR. Sorry, I don't have sincere friends that would give me gifts because they have too much money and because they love me. The friends who do love me mostly dont have too much money.

I'm still wondering what I'm supposed to do with 21.
Oh if you don't know what 21 is. Here you go.


Mission name: 21
Objectives: Live your life.


So basically at 21, I'm gonna stop letting mum force me to do things. Of course I want to be an air stewardess but... I don't see it happening without mum disowning me. Sigh... what a depressing topic.
Anyway! basically my plan is that at 21, I'll begin this transition where I'll do things without asking her permission, but merely informing her in advance what I'm gonna do.


WHICH IS BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS BTW PPL! I'm not a prisoner afterall! So I'll begin like going out as and when I like. (I predict a huge fight will explode from this) But I will persevere and CONDITION her to get used to me LIVING MY LIFE. I will stay over at people's house as and when I want to (don't worry, I respect my parents enough to make sure they're either family or close girlfriends) I will keep my curfew at 12 midnight. And I will go overseas with my friends and no one can stop me. NO ONE. OKAY?

I want to live, really live before I'm tied down with responsibilities like a stable job and a family (like children and all that) I lived my life for you all these while! It's time to live for ME. I'm so sorry that our ideals clash and our lifestyles are vastly different but it doesn't give you any right to puppet me!


yay!
I will go through with this, I want this so bad and I love my parents (grudgingly) I do, so I want them to be happy but I MUST TEACH THEM TO BE HAPPY WITH ME. With the real me...



Anyway, CHRISTMAS IS AROUND THE CORNERRRRR!!! So exciting, but yeah yeah I know as a Muslim you're not supposed to celebrate this stuffs. Aww. But I don't believe in it doesn't mean I can't enjoy the festive feel, right..? I'm not doing traditional stuffs, I don't give presents and eat turkey and all that jazz so it's alright right?
TOTALLY LOVEEEE the decoration and lights and it feels so magical and fantasy like ooooohhh, the atmosphere is nais. :D but man life is such a bitch how they celebrate christmas and chinese new year on a much grander scale. DAMN YOUS. so unfair! If Deepavali is the festival of lights YOU SHOULD HAVE MORE LIGHTS EVERYWHERE THAN CHRISTMAS!!! I can totally think up a good mood and atmosphere for Deepavali. And Hari Raya? Go traditional! DAMNNN we have such good cultures STOP WESTERNIZING IT'S SO GAY AND WANNABE-ISH so embarrassing!

But well Singapore is LIKE THAT, damn retarded I still can't make up my mind whether to migrate or not, I love the country but the people? DAMNNNN. Hahaha

Wow, my ideal Christmas would be bright beautiful decorations, especially a giant christmas tree, warm fireplace AND IT WILL BE SNOWING OUTSIDE HOW MAGICALLL IT MAKES YOU WANNA BELIEVE IN SANTAAAAA but santa doesnt exist so no I don't believe in santa, nor christmas DOESNT MAKE IT ANYLESS EXCITING!

It's about setting the mood! Man, maybe I should be an events planner! Hahahaha ok maybe not >.>

And ew I'm blabbing too much!



Ughhhh gotta document my life down, words are so important to me. It can make or break a legend, words live forever if there is someone to read it! (and understand it) so despite having a life and being busy, I shall make an effort to pen down my thoughts on a more regular basis. Till next time! Be nice!

Labels: Elle, HELLO, Insanity, Mum, Of Hokums and Honeystars, Random Mandoms, Religion, ryan pwns asses, School, The Queen, Weird Shiz

Lady Gaga's Paparazzi is suddenly speaking to me in volumes. Hahaha I watched her music video and loved it. She's so weird. Recently watched an interview and the interviewer asked her about her love life. She shooked her head and went," Nope. No nah-uh." and when he tried to probe deeper, she looked around and said," Can we just stick to my music? Please?"

Hahaha THANK YOU thank for being so painfully honest. Even though it calls for awkward situations but like her, I've also learned from life, screw awkward situations. Even if I am put in one, no one will make me feel awkward without my consent!

Had a conversation about this with Cass Lee recently and we regret holding back in our lives. Now we say what we mean and mean what we say and god I feel liberated. It feels good to not care what people think about you. And more often than not, being honest equals less complications which is just the way I like it.


I mean look. It's true now I'm all antisocial not hanging out with people and I deliberately keep to myself and don't indulge in small talk to "make friends" and it's perfectly alright.

:)

I'm not gonna pretend I know you very well. I'm not gonna pretend I know many people and are close to many people. I'm not gonna pretend I'm popular and well loved.
I KNOW I'm not such a hideous person that everyone hates me. I KNOW I get along fine with alot of people. I KNOW people might get irritated with me and it's okay.

I mean, this image thing is getting too out of hand. It's like high school. All this politics and sticking with friends and pretending you're close to someone and what what what whaaaaat?

Hahahaha. If everyone hated me right now I think I would embrace it with open arms caz I love myself so much right now, dammit ryan, your influence is too strong! Ryan is a narcissist by the way :)


The people I love should know by now I love yous even though I don't consistently express it. I'm shy like that. The people I'm not close to, or just casual friends with, I'm perfectly fine with you too.

I think everyone actually appreciates me being solo in lab because I KNOW you don't really wanna talk to me. You, like me, just wanna do your FYP in routined peace and it actually feels good. You don't have to crack your heads to think of what to say in a feeble attempt at small talks. GOD I AM SO CONSIDERATE EVERYONE LOVE ME NOW.

HAHAHAHA EW I AM SO UP MYSELF EW RYAN EW EW EEEEEEEEEWWW this is your doing :D


I feel like I'm less dependant on friends now. I've become more introverted. Somehow friends became such a shallow word. I cannot refer to anyone I know as friends, because to me, a friend is... well a friend. Like really you've been a true friend kinda friend. But it feels kinda cold to call you an acquaintance haha but you know what I mean. I finally understood my 3rd aunt too. I don't need friends actually. It's not a need. I mean, many people can be your "friend". Your cousin can be your friend. Your relatives, siblings anyone in your family can be a friend. So... friends. Friends come and go and some people are good ones and some suck at being friends.

I think it's the thought that counts? If you look carefully in your life, alot of your friends actually take advantage of you. You may feel like that person is so important to you but they may not feel the same way back. I used to love my friends to death. Everyone whether we're close or not. I appreciate them. Now I don't. Because they don't. So when you need me, I'll be there for you, it's the most human thing to do. But if I lose you? I can live with it.

It's not that I don't cherish friendship anymore. I do. And I will put in effort to maintain all my (real) friendships. It's just that I have come to terms with and accept that there is a possibility where the day comes when we're no longer friends and I'm able to move on and live with it. Like someone once told me, Friends come and go. It doesn't mean I don't give a rat's ass about friendships anymore you know? There's a difference. I hope none of you will misunderstand and I hope it won't change the state of our current friendship.

And also, this introverted-don't-talk-to-people thing? It's a phase or mood or whatever name you'd like to give it. It'll pass and suddenly I feel like partying and being a social butterfly again. Actually, if you put me in a situation where I HAVE to socialise, I think I'd still do a decent job at it. It's just that given a choice, I like to do my work in peace :D And not wander around, sit next to a random and ask how's your FYP going along. Or ask people to have dinner with me caz I'm bored or something like that that I used to do.


Haha I see my posts have been rather long and wordy. It's a mood really (:

Labels: Elle, fweedom, Music, ryan pwns asses, School, The Queen, Weird Shiz

I just want to eat something. Or sleep.


But I can't caz I gotta wait till 12 midnight to take my meds.



Rawr?


Okay I guess since I haven't been blogging, I should finish this post proper. Well see, the reason I haven't been blogging is because I don't feel the need to. Amazing isn't it? I always thought it was an outlet, one of the more essential outlets in my life because if I don't blow off steam here, I'd morph into one of the most crazy bitch this planet has ever seen.

I guess I'm changing again? Haha I don't come online often, and when I do I don't feel like talking to anyone. And if I've got something on my chest I need to vomit out, there's Hokes who's perpetually asking me regarding my well-being so how not to tell the lovely boy? Well, actually I do enjoy talking to him, I don't know how he puts up with me, really I don't because while I was being such a bitch, I even annoyed myself.

I'm lucky :D

Let's see, today started off crappy. First thing in the morning a bird shat on my arm. It was warm. Awesome. Warm white poop dripping down my right arm and people around were sniggering and holding their laughter. GLAAAAD I MADE YOUR DAAAAY.

So I had to wipe it off with paper since I didn't bring any tissue, and walked all the way to the train station's toilet before I can wash my arm.
Oh god talk about gross.


What a bad mannered bird. You shouldn't poop so inconsiderately. Look at hamsters, they know how to poop in a corner. You wouldn't like someone pooping on you would you?



On a less disgusting note, recently went over to Hoke's godsis's place. Apparently, his family has alot of these family gatherings which I find very nice and wish my family had more of these. I think we used to but my parents kinda screwed relations in my family. Ah well. Maybe it was me. I don't know. I love all of you, you know? Sigh. Even though I don't know how to express it properly.

ANYWAYS, Hokes and his bros and cousins went to the room to play Wii and omg it was hilarious. I've never laughed to hard in ages. :D I was afraid to intrude on family time, you know how people tend to be more comfortable with their own family rather than outsiders but I learned from life that if you try, they'll try too and I think everyone got along just fine :D

The most epic Wii moment was when we were playing this mini game called B.R.U.S.H. by some bunny game and you're supposed to move the controller according to the actions on screen.

Like you move up and down when it's a toothbrush to brush your teeth.
Left and right for a razor to shave your chin.


EPIC MOMENT: I moved up and down when I saw a razor (accident! I swear!) and my bunny started razoring his teeeth hahahahahaha with sparks flying hahahaha omg I swear I laughed so hard I couldn't play the rest of the game properly xD


Went to Island Creamery for dessert and MMMMMMM YUMMEHZ. I talked more to Hokes' brothers more in a day than I have in the entire 6 months I've known them. And they seriously crack me up.

SAW CASS NGGGGG ♥ who was with her classmates, gave her a hug but left caz the family split into 2 groups, adult and kids and kids corner were at MacDs where Hokes' 2nd bro was feasting. Conversations includes Mac and Microsoft debate which is something I have no stand on at the moment.

(I can't judge caz I've never used a Mac- and you need to be a regular user before you can properly judge)

Oh oh and Hokes' nieces are uber adorableeeee. I kept stealing them and carrying the younger one (I seriously had to control myself from raining her with hugs and kisses) the older one seems friendly with me now, she constantly try to get my attention WHICH I LOVE caz she always ignore me the previous times I've seen her.

Hahahaha I like his family alrdy. I need to thank so many of them I'm losing count. They were awfully nice and welcoming and awwww :')



Oh did I mention we tried to cook pasta for lunch that day? And kinda failed caz it tasted weird and funny but still alright, we finished up our meal and Hokes' 2nd bro went for seconds HAHA yeah his bro ate our cooking hahahahahaha epicccc.


:) Wii is officially the coolest thing on earth according to me. :D I'm so gonna save up for one in future :D:D And omg can someone please please please buy me Season 1-6 of Grey's Anatomy so I can sit and eat chips and go on a Grey's marathon. That would be awesome shit.


I MISS HOKES the dodo is in armyyyy and I won't see him till Sundayyyy gaaaaayyy. Ryan has been keeping me company with random heartwarming short emails and texts and our occasional go-crazy-and-retardedly-random conversations at night when I actually bother coming online. Other than that, Hokes and seeing Cass Lee for FYP, that's the only human connection I get apart from my family.


Told you I'm antisocial.
I'm pretty much alone these days, but I'm not lonely. I kinda like it. I was lonely once. It was at night and I was emo (as usual, I'm always emo at night) but Ry cheered me up :) That was also when I was PMS-ing.

I'm actually quite contented with life, despite irritating Singaporeans, FYP, tutoring and stuffs that has kept me from enjoying my hols. But yeah, life is boring, slow, monotonous, routine-d and uneventful save for random things like Hokes' family gathering, I'm not worrying.

I think I've accepted that I screwed up my life and now the only thing you can do is make the best of it. And I am, and enjoying it too. I hope this feeling lasts caz the next time I PMS I'm gonna ruin it all and feel like shit again.

And wow. This is a pretty long post. Not bad.
:)

Labels: Babies, DVD, Elle, Insanity, Of Hokums and Honeystars, Random Mandoms, ryan pwns asses, School, The Queen, Weird Shiz

I guess the more simpler things in life are usually quite complicated.

Agree?

Labels: ryan pwns asses

So, I don't exactly get why people go on msn to only set their status as 'away' and leave the computer there for days.

Hmm, people are weird.

And, katie aka kt aka grrrrrrrrfriend aka elle aka tan tan aka khalisah is playing FFRRRRRR aka FRAWRHHHHH. And so...below is a little snippet of our conversation that gave me inspiration to blog.

kt says (12:50 AM):
YOU WANTED MY ATTENSHUNNNN
HAHAAHA
where are you? says (12:50 AM):
i know. and youre still not giving me enough of it
kt says (12:52 AM):
wtffff
I WILL BITEEEEE YOUUUU
where are you? says (12:53 AM):
but youre not
I WANT LOADS LOADS BUCKET LOADSSS OF ATTENTION
kt says (12:54 AM):
RYAN WOOOOW
YOU LOOK AWESOMEEEEE

And so apparently according to her that's considered as giving 'attention'.
Wow.

Labels: Elle, ryan pwns asses, Weird Shiz

Just taking a little break from the heavy workload!

Unfortch, I can't embed the video to blogger :(

Labels: Audiogasm, Music, ryan pwns asses

Hate the world. Hate yourself for hating the world.





I have not been tweeting or blogging.
I know.


I've lost the urge to pen anything down. Totally lost it. All I do is lay awake at night thinking. Muse to myself. Come up with theories about life. Wonder why I bother.
I have no mood for any songs, cept those that make me cry. I'm not even talking about sad songs. I'm talking about songs that literally makes you cry. Well, literally makes me cry.

There's a corner of your heart just for me.
I would pack my bags, just to stay in the corner of your heart.
Just to stay in the corner of your heart.

I cried.



I am so beyond the world ridiculous.


I am confused. I think nobody understands me. I think I am very easy to understand. Why do you not understand me? I make the most sense in the world. Ryan understands me. I think. At least he makes me think he understands me. It doesn't matter.
Hokes understands me. I think. I fear I would never find anyone quite like him. Not even close.
Sometimes, I'm glad no one understands me. Sometimes, when people say," I understand." I want to scream. No you don't. You don't. If you did, you'd be feeling what I'm feeling. The gravity of the situation. You don't understand.
The same whirl of emotions would engulf you as it did me.
You don't understand.

Maybe you do understand. But you don't care enough. Because it's not you. So which is it?

You've just witnessed another failed attempt at another one of my theories.



This is different.
This is something Starbucks can't cure.
Something walking in the fields with the wind can't blow away. Probably would worsen my state of mind.
I think I'm bipolar.
Yeah right.
I'm just female. Ruled by hormones. I wonder what I'm like without those hormones. I probably wouldn't be me. But does that mean hormones = me?
WTF AM I ON ABOUT?

O_O



I don't know what I want. Just like everybody else.
No.
No I'm different.
I don't how to get what I want.


Just like everybody else.
No.
I'm no different.




Love (maybe),
Elle

Labels: Elle, Of Hokums and Honeystars, Random Mandoms, ryan pwns asses, The Queen

i hate you.

i know.

this is how much i love you.

i hate you.

this is sucha 'deep' post.

i bet none of you can even understand what the shit im trying to say.


HELLO TO THE NEW SKIN. GO GO GO GO GO JELLO FATFACE! YOU ROCKKKK.
its preettaaaayyyy.

Labels: Elle, ryan pwns asses

I'm listening to Ingrid Michaelson and emo-ing. I know not why, but this feeling seems to always resurface at night when I'm alone. I used to be much too immersed in conversations with Ryan and Jacob and such, those msn regulars. And when slowly they left, I had Hokes to tell me bedtime stories or have deep intense 7 hr conversations about life, religion, philosophy and all random things.

Now,
I feel so alone.

And it's nobody fault, really. I'm an independent girl. I'm just not an emotionally strong person, as Jacob pointed out. And usually, I'm okay being by myself. Just not at night. I really should try to get over this. I am a girl, who is seriously lacking faith.

Faith in everything really.

Religion.
Love.
People.


I'm just a walking cause of disappointment to everyone around me.

I disappointed my parents. Friends. Ryan. Jacob.
And my gut tells me I'm gonna disappoint Hokes. Like everyone else. Eh. Actually I already have disappointed him. Hah.
Disappointing people must be my niche.


I'm a tangled mess of contradictions. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Is that the popular quote? Correct me if I'm wrong.
If that quote is true, then what's the point of me having good intentions all the time?



I don't know why, but everytime Hokes talks about religion to me a wave of anxiety engulfs me. I mean, it's good that he'd like to know more about the religion but, I'm deathly afraid. I don't want people to believe in something just because I do.
I want them to believe in it because that's what they want. That's what they believe in. And has nothing to do with me.

I think, I'm secretly afraid, that Hokes will learn about the religion, understand it, but is unable to believe in it.
I cannot.
I just.
Cannot.
I cannot accept you if you don't share my beliefs.

I'm sorry. I choose religion over love. If one day, should I disappoint you too, let this at least be clear. Oh god, why am I crying? Haha, sheesh ever the emokid me.

Religion is like, principles. Strong strong principles which I use to govern and live my life by. Though time and time again I go against my own principles and shame myself, it is nevertheless a part woven into the fabrics of my existence and will never go away.

In case you haven't already realised, I don't particularly like myself. And I don't like that fact too, it means I have low self-esteem. But I don't. And I try and try to be the best I possibly can, but I keep letting myself and everyone down. Okay, I'll try harder.


I shall start with prayers.
I shall work towards not missing prayers. I shall begin praying again. I hope God can help guide me back. Back to the place where I started from. So I can begin everything anew.

After prayers, I shall rectify my diet. Then, perhaps, one day, I can love myself enough to rectify my sense of dressing.



I want to be a good friend. But I don't really know how. I don't know the right things to do at the right times. But I do know that I want to help yous. Just tell me how.

It's funny, how I'm so old already, yet I'm still trying to find myself. Find who I really want to be. And to think I tell people to just be yourself. I should practice what I preach. Unfortunately, easier said than done.



Recently, I rediscovered why I love my religion.
What a joy! I feel happy. And sad at the same time. And yet that glimmer of hope inside my cold black heart bathes me with such warmth it makes me shudder.
It must be the way Uztaz Zulkeflee puts things into perspective. He has a way about him. He's probably the one who moved countless converts' hearts. Like my Dad. Dad said he learnt from this man before he even converted. And Dad also said that Uztaz Zulkeflee understands the problems of the converts more than the converts could themselves.


I really like him. He's a dear old man. His voice is strained, because he recovered from a massive stroke two years ago. He moves slowly, but he has such a cheerful face. Constantly smiling. And such kind kind eyes. He makes you feel so comfortable about him.

Here are his teachings that I found very enlightening.


The 7 Significant Verses of The Quran

1)Surat At-Tawbah 9:15

Say:"Nothing will happen to us except what Allah has decreed for us; He is our protector" and on Allah let the Believers put their trust.

We must believe that both good and bad things come from God. And trust in God whatever he throws you. So if God has decreed that you won't die yet, then no matter what negative things happen, you still won't die yet. Only God can control such matters.

Good things and bad things are both tests. While bad things are testing for your patience and faith in God, good things tests for your gratitude (syukur)

Conditions of Syukur
1) acknowledge who gives you the favour : God
2) value God's favour to mankind (even the small things)
3) use whatever favour God has given you in a way that pleases him



My personal musings: I think it's wonderful. It teaches you to be appreciative about everything. Uztaz Zulkeflee gave an example that relates to his life. When he was down with stroke and was bedridden, people came to him and pitied him. But he laughed and said, "No! It is you whom I pity! For while God tests me on my patience, God is testing you on your gratitude (syukur)" And surely, being grateful is much harder no? :) So I really should stop wallowing in emo nemoness :)


I'm afraid I'll have to continue the teachings some other time because it's 1 am and I need sleep caz class starts early tmr. Haha, and I've stopped being emo. I think it's a combination of re-reading the teachings of the Uztaz and Ryan talking to me :)

Labels: Chat Log, Elle, Emo Nemo, Of Hokums and Honeystars, Questionable, Quote, Religion, ryan pwns asses, The Queen

If you feel like running today
You know I’d understand
You don’t but you long

It’s easier to get away
When on the other hand
You know I’m not much better without you
I’m like your victim and all that you need is an alibi
Its one thing about you
I don’t wanna make you cry

Damn girl
Dry your eyes
You stole my heart and then you kicked it aside
No girl you can’t see
When he’s inside you know there’s no room for me

If you can take a chance
Find you that better man
A life seize from your quick disease
You’re giving all my loving away
Tell me to understand
Cuz you know
I’m not much better without you
Ill press your lips and I taste everyone that you’ve had tonight
Its one thing about you
I don’t wanna taste tonight

Damn girl
Dry your eyes
You stole my heart and then you kicked it aside
No girl you can’t see
When he’s inside you know there’s no room for me
And I used to think that I was all you would need

If you feel like running today you know I’d understand.

Labels: Music, ryan pwns asses, The King

The door was always open
But still not nearly enough to let me in
and my eyes are wide awake,
And i can see you clearly, but you don't stand out one bit.
I was always loud enough just for you to hear me
You never caught the wind
Now watch me break
Breakdown this time, this time again

But I don't know the way out of this mess
No, I don't know the way out of this mess
And if you would've seen me at my best
Would it have changed anything at all?

And I'm still waiting for a sign
Or just a win-win situation
Can I hear it one more time?
Without the sound of devastation setting in

Your initial reply hit me undercover
When I lost my head to it
It was out of its time, it was undiscovered
When you let me in
Oh, won't you let me in?

Labels: Music, ryan pwns asses, The King

say smail's male really fast.


and i mean it


SUPER FASTTTTTT.


bahahahha.

Labels: Random Mandoms, ryan pwns asses, The King

:)

Labels: Random Mandoms, ryan pwns asses, The King

So today I announce the birth of the Pao Finder.

It is now 11:50pm.

I name Elle, the half dim sum, half ondeh Pao Finder.

Half Dim Sum?

Half Chinese.

Duh.

Half Ondeh?

Uh well thats the only malay-ish term i know of so hah that came to mind first.

So yes Half ondeh...

Half Malay.

Ah doh.

And Pao Finder?

Well she's good at finding fake charwhatevershit paos.

Although, secretly I think she ate real charshit paos without knowing.

Now we all know why, her pao tasted tasty.

Mmm.

Asian.

Labels: Random Mandoms, ryan pwns asses, The King, The Pao Finder

your transparencies are infectious?

something something effortless?

feels like we could be best friends?

something something?

everything you thought you would be?

something...something?

I NEED THE LYRICSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.


ITS CALIFORNIA ON MY MINDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

Labels: Music, ryan pwns asses, The King

its 7:37am in the morning and i'm up.

if jacob's the anarchist and elle's the king....

does that mean i have no choice but to settle with the status of queen? o_O you guys are full of shit.

and it would be funny if jacob was "dream".

because jacob is not like jacob.

and jacob does not sound like jacob anymore.

anddd im not mia-ing or whatever you call that...

i'm just bussyyyy.

BTW exams are over. fucking overrr.

and hi elle. hi jacob.

Labels: ryan pwns asses