Eventhough there are people out there who disagree with me regarding my theory, it makes me happy. I feel relieved that someone is fighting for this. But as jaded as I feel, there are exceptions.

I met up with Jtan for Starbucks. We were feeling a little off. I guess we needed it. We both kinda talked about this.

People are angry with it I know, my bad for dissing people's opinions. Whether I think it's a fanclub or not, I should just learn to accept people's opinions. It's a trait I'm trying to change.

But I just feel that, they're lucky? Or they just have a lot of faith. I myself told Jon Ho the other day point blank that I don't consider him a friend. Because it's a term used too loosely and I only have a few people in my life that I love. For those selected few, I'm willing to use it, though people abuse it much too many times.


Some people are lucky. They don't feel the betrayal. Or the superficiality. Or just the ugly things in life that lurks beneath every pretty thing. Maybe they're lucky they do have many friends that are good people.
Some people are strong. They believe in it and go all the way.


Then am I not lucky? Am I not strong? What do you do when your friends use you. What do you do when your friends leave you without looking back. What do you do when your friends aren't sincere in their friendship all along? Why does your husband sleep with your best friend? If love was a higher level of friendship, one that includes intimacy, why does divorce rates increase anyway? What do you do when your friends expect things from you. What happens when they don't appreciate the shit you do for them. I mean, if you step back and look at people. Really look. They don't need you. And you don't really need them.

I feel worn out, how do you maintain a faith in people, when you realised the friendship is based on all the wrong reasons? An attachment with people. You can go through so much shit with them and still have them not give a shit about you. Is it just me? Is it just how the dice rolled for me? That almost everyone isn't real. Except for that small select few. Then again, you cannot say. Only time will tell right? I'm young. How can I ever tell people will stick?

How do you feel if you've been a friend to people, done things for them, but they would rather do things for someone else. And not because that someone else was a better friend. Maybe he/she is prettier. Or more popular. Funnier. Richer. Fascinating.

Haven't you ever felt that way?

I'm sure at least one other person in the world did.

The people I love, I love. With hesitation. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for them to disappear like everyone else. Already I feel so bummed Cas is going to Oz. I don't even wanna think about it. I just don't want to expect anything from people. I guess most of them like it. And still expect things from me. Expect my tolerance. Expect me to overlook things. "Oh I can treat her like shit, it's alright, we're friends!"

I want to demand a line to be drawn. I want to demand that you should never stoop to that level! But I don't want to expect things from people so I don't.


Which is why I still think it's a fan club. I still think it's a delusion. Look at the people falling out of love. They go "oh it's an infatuation. I got too caught up in it." Sometimes when you're in the situation, you can't see it. Maybe in the future, when you look back you can. But it's so hard to see it. People fall for it so many times. In love. In friendships. How can you ever tell that you're not deluded?

Isn't it best to just stop throwing yourself recklessly in it? It doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. I can just live with the acceptance, that people come and go. And when people leave, it's time. It doesn't mean I won't do all that I can. It doesn't mean that I don't give a shit. It just means I stop feeling so betrayed and hurt and angry. I stop being pissed off with the world.

I should be flipping Buddha. Detach myself from all worldly desires. Only then true happiness is achieved. Buddha preached it. Islam preached it. I shan't talk about the other religions. I only approve of true Buddhism and Islam. But Buddhism doesn't have a God so... there you go.

And I agree it with it. They also preached that it doesn't mean you can't enjoy life. Enjoy people and relationships. It doesn't mean you can't love people. Instead, they encouraged it. To make the best of it.

So why the misunderstanding? Do you feel you've done more for me than I've done for you? Do you feel obligated to love me? Be friends with me just because of what we've been through? I don't want that. People already hate their families because of the obligation love ties you with. I don't expect that. I understand that my family is different and they expect it from me. And you've seen how it made me despair. But I've accepted it. That there are bigger things. And it's alright.

I want to be a good person. I want to help everyone out equally. Even if you're across the world, and I don't know you, I want to comfort you. If your home is destroyed, I want to help you fix it.

I want to, I genuinely want to but I can't, so I just do what I can with the people around me. Why can't people do that too? Why can't people be nice? Stop judging? Stop being rude? Stop being selfish?

Just because I want to do things for everyone doesn't mean I love you less. Do you need me to love you more than everyone else because you do for me? Doesn't that make you feel like shit?

The select few of people I love I'm trying k? I'm doing what I can to spend time with you. To do things for you simply because I want you to be happy. I want to do it because I want to and not because you expect it out of me. I want the world to be void of one-sidedness. If you do things, just because you want someone to be happy, why would you feel it's one-sided? Like me? Why did I feel so upset. Because I loved that person and that person didn't love me. That's why. And I will move on and love what's left. So stop worrying that I love you less okay?

That I don't appreciate you or think you're a "friend". I just stopped believing in that term. But I never gave up on love. If you are upset about this, thank you. But don't be. There is no cause. If you are not, then carry on with your life. Because it doesn't concern you and because you don't care about me.

And it's alright.