I am sick.
I am coughing until my abdominal muscles hurt.
Until my throat is sore, I think I taste blood.
My nose is constantly blocked, I can't breathe.
My voice is now manly, a stark contrast to my previously high pitched voice.
I have headaches, the ones you get when you have a fever.
I am weak.


And.

I am officially tired of being sick.


I am SICK and TIRED of the headaches.
I am sick and tired of the lethargy.

I WANT TO JUMP AROUND, I want to do things, I want to have bundles of energy, limitless amount of energy to spare.

I want to be able to focus on my studies, I want to...

I want so many things, but who says we get what we want all the time?




I saw the counsellor last week.
A bloody waste of time.
A
bloody
waste
of
time.


Do not PRETEND to understand me when I know you don't.
You don't know what I want.
How can you pretend you know what I want, when I don't know what I want exactly?
I want things to be okay, but what is okay?
All I know for sure is what I don't want.

I talked to the freaking counsellor for AN HOUR. And I thought, hey, a counsellor, might as well make use of it. I don't wanna be one of those shallow people. I want to be open minded. So yes, I poured my heart and soul to you. My deepest darkest secrets that some of my closest friends don't even know.

And after it all,
you
don't
even
understand me.


YOU SUCK SO BAD.
I AM NEVER GOING FOR COUNSELLING AGAIN.

The doctor at the polyclinic, the one who diagnosed that I have depression.
HE UNDERSTOOD ME BETTER.
I almost cried because I knew he understands, and I don't want him to. Because he's a doctor. Not a psychiatrist. He referred me to a psychiatrist but I don't want to go because I don't have the money and I can't ask my parents because THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT I'M GOING THROUGH WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH.

I'm screwed up. Okay? I admit.
I am a self-destructive dysfunctional person.
I cannot think logically anymore.
The doctor says depression does that.
SCREW DEPRESSION


FROM NOW ON I AM NOT EFFING DEPRESSED.
I LOVE MY LIFE.
I LOVE MYSELF.
I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND MY FAMILY.

I don't pick at flaws, caz flaws are OKAY.
Everyone has flaws. I AM TOLERANT of flaws, I will ACCEPT YOU FLAWS AND ALL.
AND I WILL STOP FREAKING CRYING LIKE A GODDAMNED BABY.



I WILL stick to my resolutions. I WILL stick to my principles, stick to my goals.
Depression is retarded.
I always thought that people going through depression are stupid caz, awww youre so sad awww your life suck awwww you might as well die AWWWW TOO BAD. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE HAVING IT WORSE THAN YOU OUT THERE SO SUCK IT UP AND STOP BEING A PANSY.

And then now
I know why
they are retarded
caz depression is a mental retardation disorder.
depression makes you stupid
so now
I'm a retard.
be nice to me.

I'm not gonna be retarded anymore.
I am going to be FINE.

My lecturer can go and die.
"Oh it's quite serious you know. You should go get help. Bla bla bla. It's not too expensive."

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MONEY HUH?
I am in DEBT.
And I cannot let my parents KNOW.
Why?


Because I am not throwing away what I have been working for MY ENTIRE LIFE just because I'm going through this retarded disorder.


Depressive disorder my ass.

STOP DEBARRING ME.



I turn up for lessons now.
And I've started studying.
I know I'm inconsistent but when I am truly working and trying hard, CUT ME SOME SLACK AND COOPERATE WILL YA?
You are so not helping me by DEBARRING ME.


I understand my parents too well.
Only too well.
You don't think I've not tried reasoning with them? Like proper rational adults?
You can't reason with them unless you want to turn their whole world upside down.
And eventhough I hate hate hate so much what they are doing, I know they do it because they love me.
And because of that, I can never truly hate them.
And because of that..
I cannot bear to hurt them.


No matter how much you tell me it's for the better.
No matter how much it's healthier for me, for them, for my life, and their life.

I cannot do anything, that would hurt them.


Last Christmas, I tested their limits.
They hurt of course. It hurt me that they hurt.
but they're better now.
And I can't complain.



Now this issue, lies with me. With my principles. My moral values.
It's just me. Me with the retarded brain.


I'm fine now.
I'm improving.
I've stopped dating.
The guys I go out with are purely friends. And they are good friends.
I'm sorry to say I'm not close to much girls in poly except for Cass Lee.
Other girls in my clique include Sharon and Abigail.
But I'm not as close to them.
There are just some people that you feel alright to open up to and others, uncomfortable with.

I don't know.
I just don't have that many girls around me.
I have guys around me because guys are horny buggers. They like girls. So obviously, they don't mind hanging out with me.
But after that, we came to a mutual agreement.
That we will only be friends and that's it.

And that's okay.
And they happen to be good friends.

So yes, I know alot of guys, because the guys approach me. If girls approached me, I'm equally nice and friendly.
Like, in Ambassadors.
There are tonnes of awesome girls.
Ning and her fellow Year 1 gang.
Joyce and Joyce both from Ambassadors and French.
XiangWei and Hannah, my a.l. and L.
Tsk, psh, I'm okay with practically all the girls in Ambassadors.

I'm okay with the girls in my course.
I got to know a new girl, in my lab.
She's repeating a module with Eugene.
I talked to Eugene once in lab because he was my lab partner.
We hit off hilariously.
That was ages ago.
And.
Only recently have I started talking to her.
Girls are just slower and less receptive of me.
And it's normal BECAUSE THEY'RE GIRLS.
No matter how open I am to girls, I am just less approachable to them.

(This is my theory. If you have another theory, please enlighten me, so I can LEARN)



And of course, the girls that understand me, I cherish them like crazy.
I love them to bits.
I love my friends to bits.
Even though I know friends come and go.
I can't help it?
I just love all of you, even when I find you guys sometimes retarded or your flaws irks me, or you can be immature or childish.
No matter what negative opinion I have of any of my friends (because your mind can't help but judge, it's whether you act on it), I love you all the same.

I know it's hard to believe.
you might think I'm stupid this way,
but that's just the way retarded me works.

I love my friends to bits
no matter how crazy you guys drive me.

Like the way I love my parents,
no matter how much I say I hate them,
no matter how crazy they drive me too.


I just.. cherish relationships in my life.
Suuuure I pretend to be some brave strong jaded girl, like I can just drop friends if I think you're not worthy to be considered a friend,
but
I actually take very long to get over it.


On the outside, I pretend to be over it,
but
I secretly think about it every night.


It took me a year and a half to get over Hidayah.
And
to be completely honest
when she talks to me on msn
it still hurts
till now.


I'm so sorry, but
..

I'm sorry.


I'm sorry everyone.


I'm sorry for being so weird.
I really wish I wasn't.
I have my own ideals in my head.

Bear with me.

I've begun to mellow down. No clubbing since that time, no drinking, I still to this day am proud to say I don't smoke, no boys, I know my heart now, no rebelling against teachers, no rebelling against parents,

I'm fixing myself.
One step at a time.


Bear with me.


I love you.




-15670
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
-Mark Twain

Labels: Chat Log, Elle, Emo Nemo, Hissy Fit, Mum, Questionable, Quote, School, The Queen